Chapter Twenty-Nine

Two and a Half Months Later

I rocked gently back and forth in the rocking chair, I looked at the phone resting on my rather obnoxious belly. The video was facing me but the speaker was pressed against the significant bump. A large thump from my belly nearly had the phone falling off and I quickly settled it back into place.

I scowled at my belly slightly. "You think I'm lying, Heidi, but I will shut Gramma's video off if you do it again!" I tapped my fingers in warning along the bottom of my belly where I could feel the kicker's head. Little Miss' mama was in no mood to deal with antics, I was already stressed out enough. I smoothed my hand along the bump, feeling her move. I smirked. Not even born and already listening to her mama. I turned my gaze back to the muffled video and smiled softly at it.

Lily was reading a Dr. Suess book, Fox in Sox. I knew each video off by heart. There were over a hundred we had found hidden in Richard's old laptop when I had been up searching for old baby things. When Lily had learned she had Alzheimer's she had made it her goal to leave something for Luka's children. She had found and read all of Benjamin, Derek, and Luka's favourite bedtime books on camera. A small gesture for the grandchildren she had been aware she would most likely never meet.

Fox in Sox had been Luka's favourite and it was a current favourite as well. I watched as she showed the pictures and read each tongue twister without having to look at the page. I could only imagine how often Luka had wanted to book to be read to him for her to know the rhymes by heart. How often he would have grabbed the book and crawled into her lap for her to read it. There was a smaller thump and the phone jumped again.

"Heidi Abigail!" I snatched the phone up before it had a chance to hit the floor where I wouldn't be able to pick it up. I patted my belly and heaved myself out the rocking chair. I listened to Lily's soft voice for a moment, basking in the feeling of having her close before I turned the video off and set the phone on the small end table Norah had picked up for my at a flea market. There was a harder kick that made me hiccup. Someone wasn't happy. "Don't be petulant, Heidi. I warned you. Can't you behave for the day?" I stretched with a wince, my back was sore but I was looking like I was at six and a half months at only five. There was a smaller kick that caused another hiccup. "Heidi, don't be starting that!" She was a pest. There was a small thump that seemed almost disgruntled from lower in my belly and I rubbed it soothingly with a small sigh.

"Amelia, I know your sister is trying to pin this on you. No worries. Mama knows not to fall for her tricks." Luka was getting doubly murdered. One murder for each little surprise I had found at my first ultrasound appointment. He didn't just have enough guts to knock me up. He had enough to do it twice. "I am going to kill your father." There was a flurry of kicks that made me wince as one of them booted my bladder. "Easy!" I shuffled around the room as their kicking settled down.

Once they had done their tantrum, I set about straightening the already straight room, the need to keep it perfect was nearly obsessive. The room was filled with my own scent, no other lingered. My wolf and I preferred it that way. No one was allowed in the den we had put together for the babies. That had been a weird urge. I had wandered frantically around the house until I had found the walk-in closet in Luka's room. I had it half ripped apart before Michael had found me.

I had begun 'nesting' as Gamgam called it. I was trying to build a den for my pups. Somewhere my wolf and I could keep them safe. The walk in closet was decently sized and I had already started its destruction so I had it converted into a nursery. I had been agitated the entire time as people walked in and out of it. We didn't want anyone in the den.

Then the realization had hit me that I was preparing a den for babies and I started freaking out again. Ainsley had to come and calm me down, she was one of the only ones my wolf and I trusted in our sanctuary. Very few people was allowed in our room and none were allowed in the nursery. It fucking pissed us off to no end when people had to come and put furniture in it. Thankfully that was all done and no one had been in there for a month and a half.

"Shey?" Ainsley's voice came from further into the bedroom and I sighed. I had been found.

"Yah?" I moved towards the door, ignoring how my back twinged. I pulled open the nursery room doors and stepped out of it, closing them firmly behind me. Ainsley was shifting on her bare feet, she was wearing a light blue dress that matched her eyes.

"You okay?" She looked me up and down and I rubbed my belly self-consciously. I had been hiding and she knew it.

"They were acting up." It was a lie I knew she would catch. Ainsley knew me too well to let little lies about my emotional state slide.

"You okay?" She gave me a look and I inhaled deeply, trying to use the tactics Amber had shown me to use. I had to focus on the emotion after I inhaled, express it and then exhale. Something about equating expressing my emotions to release.

"I'm completely freaking out." I exhaled loudly and looked at her with wide eyes. It was baby shower day. I had tried to put it off, throwing every wrench into the plans that I could but the pack memebers were relentless. I understood it, their need to make sure their pack's future was celebrated but I didn't have to like it.

"That's okay. I can understand. There are too many people around for me to handle and I've been hiding in my room." She walked over and hugged me, I leaned into the embrace, resting my cheek on her shoulder and brushing my nose on her neck. Her light spring scent with a hint of cinnamon was like my security blanket. "Inhale the worries and exhale the acknowledgement." We were both walking and talking therapy books but I did as she instructed. Inhaling as I thought of the many worries weighing me down and exhaling with the thought that it was okay for them to be there.

"Better?" She let me go and smiled at me as I nodded. I hated to admit it but Amber's stupid little routines helped. I hated them but I understood that they were helping. I didn't want to be the type of mother that was unable to express my emotion to my children. I wanted to feel everything for them and I certainly didn't want to teach them any bad habits, like compartmentalizing their emotions for an illusion of strength. "Okay. So how are they today?" She glanced at me, keeping her posture submissive and non-threatening as she waited for permission. I nodded at her and she pressed her hands to my round belly. Delight radiated off of her as the twins kicked at her hands. Amelia was a little more vigorous in her kicking but she quite enjoyed Ainsley's soft energy and touch.

Even as young as they were my wolf and I were able to tell them apart. Amelia was a softer soul, my wolf referred to her as 'her moon' while Heidi's more energetic and brash soul was 'her sun'. I found them to be apt descriptions of the twins. They were my sun and my moon. I rubbed the top of my belly. I was getting used to the idea of them being in there but that didn't stop me from panicking when I realized I was growing life forms inside of me. They were growing and changing, my organs being shoved to the side to accommodate their growing bulk.

I must have had a look on my face because Ainsley grabbed my hand and squeezed it rhythmically as she hummed that comforting low tone. I breathed in and out, forcing the panic back. Panic did nothing, it was the one emotion Amber said I could push away. Mainly because I had many panic attacks and if I could calm down by pushing it away then it was fine. Besides everyone freaked out over me panicking with the pregnancy. Gamgam told me they could come out with four arms or three eyes if I wasn't careful. Which had caused a panic attack and a round of laughing apologies from the older shifter. She thought she was hilarious. She wasn't.

Pregnancy was stressful and for someone who wasn't prepared for it, it was fucking terrifying. Many females knew for years they wanted children before having them. They had accepted it, processed it, and were ready for the children to enter their lives. I had under three months to come to terms with that fact I would be a parent. I never thought about kids. Babies freaked me out and the idea of pregnancy was alien to me. Having another person growing inside of you was a thought that always freaked me out, now it was my current reality. I was coping with it as I learned to accept that they would be a part of my life.

"Gamgam wants to see you before you head to town." Ainsley smiled at me and grabbed my hand. I groaned at the reminder. I had to head up to the mines to drop off some paperwork and to invite the shifters to the supper Gamgam had planned for the shower. It was a huge affair. Jovan and his mate were coming, all of Jace's pack was attending, and all of the shifters from Fortis would be there. Over a hundred people in total and the thought made me want to hide under my covers and hope it would go away.

"What about?" I let her lead me towards the door with a sigh.

"More than likely your appetite and to make sure you are okay. You've been in here for a few hours." There was no judgment to her tone and I was thankful that Ainsley shared my unease for large functions. I wasn't used to large amount of people and my wolf detested it.

"How's couple's therapy going?" I needed to distract myself and talking about Ainsley's and Sombro's relationship was always a good topic to do just that. Much to Ainsley's dislike, I was sure. Ainsley had made it a requirement to their bond. I knew Sombro had simply accepted it without really thinking about it and they had a few setbacks in the past two months. I was happy because I hadn't really wanted to play counsellor when Amber was still available. Although she had been training May in how to handle such things. May would more than likely be our therapist and counsellor after Amber returned to Oblitus with her mate.

"Samuel is still coming to terms with my childhood." Ainsley said it slowly and I nodded. He had blown up when Ainsley had told him about the abuse and neglect she had suffered at the hands of her father. He was still having troubles understanding why and held quite a bit of secondhand anger for her situation.

"Bound to happen." I shrugged slightly as we stopped at the top of the stairs. I grabbed the banister and started my way down. Even having a big belly for over a month I still wasn't used to how badly it was starting to off balance me, not a lot but enough. Stairs freaked me out, it was stupid to freak out about, but it didn't stop me from being anxious about falling down them.

"Are you still writing your letters?" Ainsley asked it casually but I knew it was in retaliation for my own question and I stopped to look at her. After I had discovered the whoopsie called pregnancy, Amber had discovered that I couldn't exactly convey all the anger I had towards Luka constructively. She had me write letters to him. Whatever I was feeling I needed to write out. She said it would help me convey what I was feeling in a safe and none pressured manner. I hadn't appreciated it, I had hated doing it and the first few letters I wrote to him were essentially me telling him I hated his guts. However the more I wrote to him the easier it had been to put my feelings on the page. The letters had grown significantly longer and the feelings and situations I wrote about grew more detailed.

"I stopped writing about the ways I'm going to castrate him." The letters were private, a way that I allowed myself to feel close to him. I didn't want to share them because they went from me being so angry with him to me telling how terrified I was. It was too personal for others to see. I stared to walk down the stairs again.

"That's good." Ainsley sounded proud of me and she squeezed my elbow gently. I had made progress with my emotional problems. I was learning to accept that, while my mother loved me, some of what she had taught me was not good for me emotionally or mentally.

It was hard to admit that what she had done was not done in my best interest but to sate her paranoid fear that I would suffer as she did growing up. In the end it had been kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy, my childhood wasn't great and she had acted like her father at points. She never praised me unless I had worked for it. There was no time for play or foolishness. I had to work for a showing of her love for me, I had to earn it.

I didn't want that for my own little ones. I wanted to celebrate every little thing they did, whether it was making me a flower chain or drawing me a picture. I didn't want them to live in fear of failing me. It was why I had buckled down and started to actively try in my therapy. I was letting go of guilt and remorse, I was growing healthier emotionally and mentally because I wanted to be better for them. To give them a future that wasn't dragged down by my emotional burdens.

We reached the bottom of the stairs and I stiffened when I felt all the people in the house. Dominance radiated off of me in waves as my wolf paced in agitation. It was a warning to others to stay away. Without a mate to protect her and I, large crowds were an uneasy task for us. It was why I had been hiding in the den. Without Luka we didn't feel safe. Our mate was supposed to be our first and foremost defence against the world when we were vulnerable with pups in our belly. I squeezed the banister tightly, ignoring the protests of the wood. Ainsley whimpered beside me, she was more affected by the dominance than others but she simply sunk into my side, clutching at me in comfort and protection. A lower wolf seeking a higher wolf out.

"Shey. 'Nough." Michael's gruff voice made my wolf relax slightly, the dominance retreating to normal. Ezekiel's claws clicked along the tile before he rubbed his head along the bottom of my belly. I bared my teeth at him with a low warning growl and his tail went between his legs, his fur laying close to his body as he crouched down, slowly showing me his belly in submission. He knew better than to touch my belly when I was so agitated. I looked away from him and Michael gestured at me to let go of the banister. "'S 'kay. 'M here." His speech had grown marginally better over the two and a half months he had spent in human form. The day I learned about my pregnancy he had sifted, had a shower and gotten dressed before sticking to me like a barnacle.

My wolf knew he wasn't our mate but the fact he was our Beta was enough to calm some of her anxiety in crowds. He was very attentive with our need for safety and surprisingly my cravings. I stared at him for a few moments until he smiled and held out his hand. I let go of the banister and made a pinching motion with my hand over his. He opened his hand and I pouted at the single cinnamon heart he had in his palm.

"Heartburn. Not dealing with." He gave me a look as I scrunched my nose up at him before I took the single cinnamon heart and threw it into my mouth. The taste of the cinnamon candy spreading warmth across my tongue was heavenly. The spicy candies were my weakness but Michael was right. I got seriously bad heartburn if I ate too many. It made me overly cranky and I guess one to many episodes of me throwing shit at his head had actually taught him something. "Going?" He looked between Ainsley and I, his brown eyes were soft but curious.

"Gamgam wants to see me." I shrugged my shoulder as if I wasn't bothered but I was starting to feel nauseous at the thought of going into the busy kitchen.

"Kay." He started down the hallway and I stayed close behind him, it was safer when he walked in front of me. We passed a few pack members but they only smiled at me, making no move to touch my stomach even though I knew they wanted too. I wasn't sure if it was the unpredictable aggression I had or both Michael and Ezekiel who kept them at bay.

Ainsley was still clutching at the back of my shirt and I looked over my shoulder at her, she gave me a rather shaky smile. She really couldn't handle it when my wolf's dominance radiate out of me. I gave her a small smile in return before I became aware that the kitchen door was close. I swallowed as Michael pushed it open for me and I hesitated in the doorway for a moment. The anxious agitation was like an itch under my skin and as I stood in the kitchen doorway it was only growing worse. I could hear Gamgam further into the kitchen and I looked around. Several shifters smiled and waved at me from their various stations. The twins were uncomfortable with the noises and the agitation grew worse.

I'm not coming into the kitchen. I sent it along the mindlink to Gamgam before shutting it off. Having all of the pack members in my head was something I couldn't handle for the day. They were noisy and pushy. I understood that they wanted to share their excitement but I was used to having a virtually silent head.

Gamgam moved into view and she gave me a look and I shook my head before stepping back into the hallway. My wolf relaxed slightly as we got out of the noisy area and I could feel the twins' energy relaxing as the uncomfortably loud noises quieted as Michael let the door close behind Gamgam. "You need to get over this anx-"

"I don't need to do anything, Gamgam." I snapped it out and gave her a warning look. My wolf was already riding a very thin edge and I didn't need her telling me that what I was feeling was ridiculous. "This anxiety is perfectly natural for me to feel. My wolf instinctively needs her mate to protect her while she carries pups. We don't have our mate so you don't get to tell me to get over my anxiety about large crowds." Her blue eyes narrowed slightly as she looked at me and I narrowed mine in return. I was not in a mood to play games or to tease. She looked me over carefully before slowly nodding.

"I understand and apologize, Alpha Shey." The words were enough to lower my wolf's hackles and I shuddered at the feeling it left me.

"Why did you want to see me?" I just wanted to know so I could go back to hiding in the den.

"Can't I request to see the soon to be newest set of little ones?" She looked at my belly and I narrowed my eyes, I still felt uneasy but nodded a faint permission. She smiled happily as she pressed her hands to my belly. The twins fell still and I bit back a smirk at their antics. Gamgam was the only person who they payed possum with. "I know you two are playing a game on your Gamgam but she does not appreciate it." Her words were soft but firm and each of the twins gave her hands a kick. "What are you calling them now?" Her hands retreated and I smoothed my shirt over the bump.

"Still the same. Heidi Abigail and Amelia Lily." I smiled down at the bump. Heidi for Luka's grandmother and Abigail because it had been passed down through the generations of my family. Amelia for my grandmother and Lily because I wanted a tiny piece of her to hold.

"Still think Luka would like a chance at naming them." Gamgam's tone was slightly reprimanding and I scoffed.

"You can think all you want, Gamgam, but this is his punishment for knocking me up. Besides I chose good names. They match our families." It was too late to change the names now, I had gotten used to them and the girls I was positive understood their names now.

"Petulance doesn't suit you." She gave me a look before looking at Ainsley. Her face softened considerably as she looked at the red-head and I waited patiently. "There you are, puiu meu de lup! Could you get that mate of yours to haul in some bags of potatoes from the cellar?" Ainsley nodded before walking towards the back door. "What are you wanting to eat?" Gamgam looked me over as if she could assess what I wanted to eat from my appearance alone.

"A well balanced meal that supports the growth of my unborn children." I blinked at her innocently and she let out a huff of air in irritation.

"Shey." It was clipped and I made a face.

"I can't say I want cinnamon hearts and ice cream because you get mad and I get heartburn from all the cinnamon hearts." What I craved and what the babies needed were completely different things. "Just make me something edible without butter." The smell of it made me nauseous. There was no reason for it to but it did.

"Still turns your stomach?" She frowned slightly as she stared at me and I nodded. That was another thing about pregnancy that irritated me. It changed how I perceived tastes. Things that I used to love eating I now couldn't force myself to choke down.

"Butter, blueberries, grilled cheese, and bacon." The last two were my own personal hell. I loved grilled cheese and I loved bacon but I couldn't eat them because their smell made me nauseous. "And I have a weird craving for asparagus and salt. Lots of salt." I had a feeling that was Amelia's doing. She was more than likely running a deficiency and I made a mental note to go see Doc Howard about it.

"Okay." She nodded slowly before grasping my cheeks. "Are you okay? You were in the den for a while." She looked genuinely concerned and I inhaled deeply.

"I don't want a baby shower and I'm overwhelmed." I exhaled and Gamgam smoothed my cheekbones with her thumbs. My wolf relaxed under the motherly touch.

"Just remember to breathe. Besides you are going out of the house for a bit. Enjoy the break from the busy-ness." She smiled at me before kissing my forehead gently. She patted my cheek removed her hands from me. My wolf missed the contact almost immediately.

"I will and no killing Jovan when he gets here." I knew how much they disliked each other. I had no clue why, I loved Jovan but Gamgam despised him and I was pretty sure the feeling was mutual. I just hoped they kept it civil because I didn't want to practically waddle my pregnant ass in between them to prevent a fight.

"It's a special day. I will remain civil. If the old goat can't do the same it's not my problem." She flashed a smile at me before the retreated into the kitchen. I let out a sigh and rubbed my stomach, the twins shifted inside of me at the motion.

"Touch?" Michael shifted closer to me, his hand hovering over my bump. I nodded as I pulled up my shirt. He gave a soft smile as he simply lay his hand on the top of my belly. There was a deep sense of sadness that radiated off of him sometimes. There were a few hard thumps that jolted me slightly. I rolled my eyes at Heidi's antics. "Foot again." Michael smiled brighter at the bump and I laughed as he took his hand away, a small bump of a foot was pressed to the skin of my belly. She was getting better at it. Michael chuckled as he tapped the foot and it disappeared quickly as if the tap had tickled her.

"Amelia likes her Uncle Mike." It was what she did with him. She didn't kick him, she either pushed one foot or both feet into his hand.

Michael pulled my shirt back down and patted my belly gently. "Babies busy. Five months, starting to get cramped." He gestured at my belly and I had to agree. I was looking closer to six and a half months pregnant and I was just over my fifth month of pregnancy. Well according to the doctor I was basically at twenty three weeks gestation but the fact remained I had a little under three months of growing time left and they were already starting to lose room.

"They are going to get even more cramped and I'm going to get even bigger." I disliked the thought. I was already having back issues and my feet were starting to feel it. I hadn't gain more than the appropriate amount of weight but it was enough. I was going to gain more weight and my belly was going to become damn near impossible to walk with. I shuddered at the thought. Pregnancy still weirded me out. Just because I was pregnant and just because I was going to have children, it didn't stop it from freaking me out about it.

"Growing babies. It good. Healthy." Michael nodded at me and I scowled at him in return. Ezekiel whined at my feet and I scratched his ear.

"I know they will be healthy. I'm eating shitty food that I don't care for because they don't want me to eat bacon or grilled cheese or fucking butter." I realized I was wearing my old lady face when Michael raised an eyebrow in my direction. "Don't give me that look, Michael. I can live without the blueberries of all things but we are talking about bacon." He gave an absent minded nod before he held out his hand towards me. He opened it, two cinnamon hearts rested in his palm and my mood immediately brightened. "Oh. Thank you." I took them happily before I placed the on my tongue. I liked the burn they had, the spiciness. I hummed in contentment.

"We go now." Michael gestured down the hall and I scrunched my nose up. The cinnamon hearts were just one part of my craving.

"I want ice cream." I crossed my arms over my chest and Michael let out a heavy sigh before he gave me a look.

"We get ice cream." The defeat was nearly enough to make me feel unbearably smug but I held it back.

"Good. Then we can go." I beamed at him as I started to walk back towards the foyer. Ezekiel kept close to my side and it helped keep the still present anxiety at bay. Anxiety was okay. It was normal for my wolf and I to feel. It was something I had to constantly remind myself whenever I felt its familiar itch. We didn't have our nature intended protector and that would cause our instincts to bug out. It was allowed. No one could tell me any different because my emotions were mine and I was allowed to express them constructively.

I frowned slightly, I was still a walking, talking therapy book. Just because I needed it, didn't mean I liked the fact I kept reiterating it constantly.