Chapter Twenty-Eight

She was upset and panicky. That was all I was getting from her. The upset I could live with, she was upset all the time. I wanted to leave the mountain and help her every time she felt it but the panic made me grit my teeth against the urge to go and help her, to figure out what was causing the panic and fix it. I dodged another brutal punch aimed for my head, my breathing harsh. My head was in two places at once. I needed to focus on the fight but Shey was in the back of my mind, her panic demanding my attention.

I ducked and swung out my leg, toppling one of my opponents. I whirled around, throwing several punches in the other's direction. He grunted as he dodged them. He was a larger shifter, a bit slower to move than me but he hit a lot harder. I dodged the wide swing at my head but as I spun out of his reach I had a rather large fist greet my face. The pain was instant and I was thrown into the mud by the force of it. I winced, my cheek was throbbing and there was a familiar ringing in my ears. I shoved up off of the ground and shook my head as I righted myself, wiping the mud off my face.

"Again." I held up my arms. This was for Shey. This was for her and would always be for her. The two males nodded and got into position. I ignored the pain of my cheek as we started circling. The larger of the two males didn't waste any time in attacking me. I dodged his punches quickly, moving around in the slightly muddy ground. I turned sharply as the second male started his attacks.

I dodged them both before striking out and slamming my fist off of the first one's ribs. He wheezed at the impact and I used it to my advantage to throw several punches at him. Most of them hit their mark and he fell to the mud. I whirled around and staggered slightly as another wave of panic washed over me. The other male took advantage and slammed his fist into my face, sending me sprawling. I lay in the cold mud for a moment before I slowly got to my feet. I wiped the mud from my face and ignored the painful throbbing of my jaw.

"Again." I watched as the other male pulled his partner to his feet. The one I had punched in the ribs shook his head as he held his side where I punched him.

"Broke a rib." He wheezed it out, smiling at me through the dirt caking his face. He was more than likely proud of the injury, mountains shifters prided themselves on strength and not leaving battle without injury.

"Sorry." I nodded at him and he laughed loudly before he coughed, wheezing in pain as the motions more than likely hurt like a bitch.

"It's nothing but I'll sit out this round. Jacks can keep you busy enough." He moved off the training field and I turned to the male named Jacks.

He gave me a wide grin, "You can take a beating, lowlander." He sounded impressed and I nodded, ignoring the dizziness that came with the action. I probably had a bit of a concussion. We circled each other and I narrowed my eyes before I advanced, throwing a kick to his side he had to drop his defence to block. I took the opportunity and threw out my fist. He leaned back, the blow glancing off his chin, he retaliated with a sharp jab to my ribs. I grunted as it hit but threw another punch at him.

The next few minutes were spend ducking, dodging, and trading blows until another wave of panic slammed into me. My heart clenched and once again I had a fist slamming into my face sending me sprawling into the mud. I went up onto my hands and knees, trying to ignore the swirling in my head and sudden nauseous dizziness I was currently feeling. "Again." The words it croaked out as I got back to my feet, trying to shake off the sudden vertigo I felt. Jacks looked at me but shrugged as he put his hands up as if to say it was my call and he wasn't going to argue with it.

Mountain shifters loved a fight and they didn't particularly care where it came from. We met again, slipping in the mud slightly as we traded blows. "Have you been out here all morning?" Azrael's voice was demanding but I ignored him as I blocked another heavy punch. Both of us were starting to get winded.

"Since seven." I grunted it out as I gave Jacks three good jabs to his ribs. He retaliated with a blow that would have dropped me if I hadn't jumped backwards.

"Since seven? I'm surprised your face isn't mush yet." His tone turned mocking and I ignored him as I tried to focus on the fight. Jacks battered at my defences and I grunted in pain each time I deflected one of his punches, a staggering amount of fear laced panic flooded me from the bond to Shey. My defence faltered and he struck me hard, my head snapped back and I dropped, breathing heavily. I closed my eyes trying to get the ringing in my ears to stop. That had been on hell of a punch. I had to give it to Jacks.

I groaned as I rolled over and pushed myself to my knees. "Again." I went to stand up but the dizziness had me falling back into the mud.

"I think you've had enough." Azrael had a contemplative edge to his voice and I spat on the ground, trying to get the taste of my blood out of my mouth. I had to push myself. I had to keep going because it had been two months and I was barely making any progress in balancing my wolf and I. We were still at odds and I needed to continue to try and fix it.

I staggered to my feet and shook my head, trying to straighten my vision. "Again." I looked at Jacks but he remained relaxed. Azrael was his Alpha and I was simply someone passing through. I needed the fight. I needed to get beaten down so my wolf and I could come back together. I needed to do right by her.

"Pushing yourself isn't going to make you get better." Azrael moved in front of me, dismissing the two males with a wave.

I let my fists drop and ran my hand through my hair. "She's panicking, Azrael." The feeling was fading slightly but it was still there, an undercurrent to her emotions. Every time it flared up my heart raced and I felt an incredible urge to find her and keep her safe but I knew I would just make it worse. My wolf and I couldn't be at odds, not when we kept hurting her with it.

"And she's upset, and lonely, and sad. She's hurt and feeling angry. I know, Luka." He grabbed my shoulders, shaking me slightly. "Allowing yourself to be beat up isn't going to simply make you in balance." He let out a heavy sigh, frowning at me slightly. "Being in balance is allowing your wolf to share your body with you. He reacts with you, acts with you." Azrael's frown deepened. "I think it's time for a new angle. I quite possibly can't beat the stupid out of you." He smiled at me before wrapping his arm around my shoulder and leading me towards the large metal gate that signalled the entrance to his compound.

The shifters had been wary of me when I had first arrived but Azrael's easy attitude around me made them soften towards me a bit. They were a tight knit group, very family orientated, and it wasn't unusual to see children running between legs on the training fields. It also wasn't unusual to see parents teaching their children proper fighting forms and mock fighting with them. They instilled the need to be strong at a very early age.

I blinked and tried to ignore the pounding in my head. Now that the fighting had stopped I was feeling all of the bruises and aching muscles. I took each one as it was, I deserved it for what I had done to Shey. I deserved each sprawl in the mud, each concussion, each broken rib or dislocated joint. I deserve the pain because I had betrayed her trust. I had ruined our relationship. There was little I could do to make it better, not until I fixed myself, not until I built some semblance of balance with my wolf. I knew that if I was balanced with him there was little to no chance we would hurt her again. It was all I could give her, all I could try to do to fix what I had done. It wouldn't be enough, not in my mind, not for Shey, but it was all I could do. I could beg for forgiveness, could beg her to forgive my words and my actions but she was the type of female who wasn't swayed by pretty words.

Another small wave of panic and anger flashed through me. The emotions were diluted, a bit faded. I felt them but I had started to figure out which were mine and which were hers. They had been vivid at first, bombarding me constantly for the first month. I hadn't been able to tell my emotions from hers and Azrael had told me it was my punishment for my actions. I had claimed her in the Old Way and his disappointment had been palpable.

I staggered slightly over the uneven ground outside of the gate and Azrael helped steady me. "I think you need to stop getting punched in the head." He chuckled slightly at his own words. "Your balance is starting to go." I squinted at him, the light hurting my eyes. I was fairly certain he had more fun laughing at his own words than anyone else's. The throbbing in my skull was only getting worse but I knew I could suffer a bad headache for an hour while my body healed.

"Might knock some sense into my wolf." That was what I had been hoping. Azrael had thrown me out onto the training ground and had essentially given his warriors a free go at fighting me. Mountain shifters were a completely different breed from the 'lowlanders', as they called them. They were a lot bigger and hit a hell of a lot harder.

"Or knock your brains out." He laughed loudly and ruffled my hair, shaking my head slightly. I tried to ignore the dizziness the action caused as he dropped his arm from around my shoulder.

"Where are we going?" I focused on the ground I walked on. Even without my concussion the ground was hard to walk on. It was uneven and rocky and damn near impossible to traverse with any amount of vertigo or dizziness.

"Somewhere quiet." Azrael was leading me into the forest and I looked around, the forest in the mountains seemed a bit more unwelcoming than the forests in Fortis.

"Wanting to get rid of me?" I quirked an eyebrow slightly and stumbled as my foot found a hidden dip in the rocky ground.

Azrael caught my arm before I could fall completely and I muttered a thank you. "No. Wanting to try something different." He seemed a bit distracted as he let my arm go, his gaze was off into the trees and I nudged him.

"Throwing me off a cliff?" I smiled at him and he smirked as he rolled his eyes.

"Don't give me any ideas." He chuckled as he directed me to change direction. We moved in silence and another small wave of fear rolled off me that was quickly followed by panic. My muscles clenched with the urge to run to her, to find her and protect her from whatever was causing her intense emotions. Whatever it was that was causing her to panic seemed to be repetitive and random. It took a few minutes for the panic to subsided and I let out a deep breath.

"Shey's really panicking. It's coming in waves. She's scared too." I frowned, I didn't know what to say to Azrael. I didn't know how to explain how much her panic was driving me insane.

"She has help." He shrugged. We had the conversation over and over again the first month I had been in Algus. He refused to let me contact her, telling met that it was easier to bring my wolf out if he was on edge. To be honest he seemed to be more despondent than on edge and I didn't know how to fix that either.

"But it's not me." I said it quietly. It didn't matter that she had help, I was glad that she did, but to my instincts the help had to come from me. The claimed bond was a different sort of beast. It didn't get angry with me or twist my insides into knots if something went wrong. It simply used my instincts against me, it was all it needed to do. My instinct to protect my future was its driving force.

"What do you want me to say, Luka?" He let out a heavy sigh and I shook my head. I didn't need another lecture. I didn't need him telling me that I would have to simply deal with it because I knew that. I understood that until I was balanced with my wolf, I would remain separated from Shey. It was all I could give her, I had to make myself better for her, to fix myself first, otherwise we would constantly in a horrible sort of dynamic where I hurt her repeatedly because my wolf and I couldn't find common ground.

I heave out a sigh as I slowly shook my head, "Nothing."

"I don't have a mate bond with anyone so I don't claim to be the expert but all I know is your relationship with Shey is not healthy. Mates do not treat each other like that." He let out another heavy sigh, seriousness coating his energy. "You claimed her by force because of your own imbalance. I overlooked that because of how horrified you were about it. You looked like a child who didn't know what to do and you asked me to fix you. I couldn't ignore that. I pushed back what I had witnessed and helped you. But honestly your relationship needs a lot of work, you are supposed to be a team and you two were at each other constantly from what I heard. That's not okay." There was an edge to his voice. I knew he was still disappointed in my actions, that he was holding back to help but it didn't cover the disdain he had for them.

"As I told her, you are like a brother to me. Seeing you so horrified at your own actions made me realize that I had the opportunity to help you realize what was truly wrong." He reached over and grabbed my shoulder, squeezing it slightly. "Whatever happened between you two needs to stop. You can't keep being that toxic towards each other. It's not okay or healthy. I want to help you, Luka, but you need to make a large part of this journey without me. I can't help you fix whatever is going on inside your head." He let his hand drop and silence fell for a few more moments as we wandered through the trees.

"She deserves more than me." It was the one thing I was coming to understand. I wasn't the right person for her, I did everything wrong when it came to her. I loved her. There was nothing I loved more than her but one-sided love wasn't enough to hold a relationship together. Not when that side of the love lashed out to make the other hurt because they needed others to feel it too.

"And she is stuck with you, there is no one else for her. So simply learn to be a better male. Learn what it means to hold your words, to control your anger, and be at peace with what you are. Learn to take your pain and lessen it, not target others to make them hurt just as badly as you do." Azrael was constantly surprising me. The male seemed to understand more of the world than a person thought just by looking at him. We moved out of the forest and onto a rock that jutted out of the mountain side. I could see the entirety of a valley from our position and there was something calming about the sight.

"I didn't actually think you would take me seriously." I looked at him, my head was starting to feel marginally better and his mouth twitched slightly but there was a serious look in his eyes.

"We call this the Balancing Stone. It's where our juveniles go to become in balance with themselves." At the words I stared at him incredulously.

"Why didn't I come here first?" If that was what the jutting rock meant then it made no sense not to bring me there first.

"You're older than usual, not a juvenile. I figured breaking you down to the point where you can either give up or pull yourself forward would make the Balancing Stone an easier task." The corner of his mouth twitched upwards slightly. "You had a choice when you lay in the mud. You could give up or get up. You chose to get up even knowing your body was ready to give up for you." He tilted his head, his dark eyes seemingly taking me in, assessing me intently. "Once you sit out here you have to stay until you find balance. With your body as beaten as it is, I figure you will find balance in your confusion and pain." He brought me further out onto the rock and sat me down, shoving hard against my shoulders.

"Well, I hope you do. Otherwise you are stuck out here until you do or you die." He chucked to himself and I didn't even want to ask him if he was serious or not. I probably wouldn't have gotten a straight answer from him. He took rather large amounts of amusement from fucking with me.

I could hear him walking away and I stared out into the green of the valley. It was a rather peaceful view, it was very calming to see the earth spread out below me. A breeze blew across the stone and I repressed a shiver from the chill it had. It was starting to get cold out. It was the beginning of September and I knew the trees at Fortis would have started turning colours. Probably quite similar to Ainsley's hair. I smiled a little at the thought.

I hoped she was taking care of Shey, that they had grown closer and she was someone Shey could rely on in her time of need. I closed my eyes and breathed in and out. My body hurt and I didn't know what to do. I had no clue what being in balance meant. I had always felt my wolf as separate from myself. My will was different from his instincts from the moment we had met. We had always been at odds.

He always took control from me when my guards were down and I always forced him back when he attempted when they were up. We were locked in a tug of war of power. There was no balance between us. There never was. How did I find an equilibrium between him and I when one had never existed? I let out a heavy sigh.

Shey's sudden anger seared the back of my skull and I closed my eyes at it seemed to make the pounding worse. I breathed in and out, trying to ignore the throbbing of my skull and face. She was angry at something and I could only imagine it had something to do with me. I would have been more than pissed at me if I was in her shoes.

The worst part of her emotions were that when darkness fell, her anger, her fear, her panic, her happiness, and vivid emotions turned into this grey soup of loneliness and utter sadness. It kept me awake at night. Azrael had been surprised that I had been at the training field since seven but he didn't know that I had been up since four.

Sleep without Shey was impossible, having that one night where she had fallen asleep in my arms had simply showed how empty my bed had been. It just accentuated how empty my bed was now. I opened my eyes and stared out towards the horizon. I was doing this for her. It was my mantra. The words I repeated to myself over and over again when I hit the ground, when a fist collided with my face. Each cut, broken bone, bruise, torn muscle, dislocated knuckle, and injury I sustained was for her. To try and make myself a better male, someone she could trust. That was my goal but even I knew that trust had to be earned and I might never earn her trust again. She didn't have the bond to force compulsions onto her. She only had her instincts. The oppressiveness of our bond had left a deeper one in its wake. It wasn't as urgent or adaptable, it was instinctive.

There was no relying on the bond to help me. I was left simply a male that had hurt her, that had piled shit onto her instead of holding her, giving her comfort and letting her give me comfort as well. We could have been there but because of who I was, the type of male I had grown to be, that chance was gone and I had chosen to react instead of act. Shey had been the only person who had been hurt by it at first but I knew that the pack was now suffering without me.

An Alpha needed to reassure the pack when they left. I hadn't. I had simply left. My actions had consequences and it was well within the pack's rights to deny me when I returned. I just hoped they had accepted Shey as their Alpha Female, that they accepted her without pause. It would make it easier on them to have her.

I let out another sigh. There were many regrets that I held tightly. So many things that I wished I could have changed but I knew it was pointless to linger on them. Regrets could not be changed much like guilt couldn't be changed. That was another emotion that had been heavy from the bond. Shey was filled with it but it had slowly grown less over the past two and a half months. Azrael had let it slip that Amber had stayed in Fortis after the funeral to help out. I just hoped that Shey was letting the doctor help her work through everything that had happened.

She needed the support system. I had left her with a new, forcibly claimed bond and that was something brutal. I had witnessed a few days of it with Mari. Her emotions had been all over the place and her aggression has been overly prevalent. I had to avoid her until I left because her wolf hadn't much liked me hanging around. I didn't blame her or her wolf, I had given Bennett the idea after all.

I shook my head, I wasn't feeling any different from the time I had sat down. It had been a while since I had. The sun was growing closer to the horizon, letting me know I had been out for several hours already. It hadn't seemed like that long but it would have been close to it. My body wasn't as sore as when I had first sat down, letting me know that the bruises and fractures had healed fine.

I closed my eyes and looked inwards, my wold was curled up in the back of my mind. His tail over his eyes, trying to make himself look small, his own guilt was heavy. He understood that the chasm in our bond to Shey was his fault. He understood that he had ruined it when he had claimed her to make a point. I watched as he trembled at the thought, at the remembrance. There was a deep confused hurt to him. His instincts had drove him, he had done as his instincts had required of him, but he had ruined his future, our future.

He reminded me of a young pup that had been reprimanded for nipping at the human side of their parents. Confused and hurt because of the instincts and I could see how truly divided we were. He was just as alone as I was, we sat on both sides of a large divide that had only grown through the years. He sat curled up, hurting on his side and all I wanted to do was comfort him because it wasn't entirely his fault. He didn't make the divide between us on his own.

The thought jolted me with a sudden and rare clarity. The divide between us was both of our faults. I had spent so long blaming him for everything, for his anger and his inability to be controlled that I hadn't realized that it was my fault as well. I had shoved him away, caged him. I had tried to change who he was intrinsically. He had shoved against me, had tried to strong arm me into submission. We had fed off of each other, chipping a gorge between us that seemed impossible to cross now.

It's not entirely your fault. I said it as carefully as I could, I wasn't used to speaking to him. His tail flicked away from his face slightly, his dark grey eyes peering at me in confusion. It's my fault too. The tail was removed and he lifted his head, a low whine in his throat as he looked at me. I never accepted you as you were and I helped put a divide between us. It's not right. It's not natural. I want it to go away.

His tail wagged slightly and he stood up on stiff legs. He staggered a bit as if his legs were asleep and I laughed at it. I shook my head and looked out at the view. I could feel my wolf moving closer to my consciousness, slinking forward inch by inch as if expecting a reprimand. I ignored my want to push him away. It felt strange having him so close to the surface, having him with me rather than separate from me. His presence was like a warm blanket that hung off my back and shoulders. He was acutely there.

It was a strange feeling and the way he whined and yipped uneasily I could tell it was strange for him as well. We stared out at the valley together, relaxing as the chasm between us began to heal. It wasn't fixed yet but it was starting to heal and that was all that mattered. I smiled slightly as I scratched the back of my neck. It felt... nice having him there.

I settled further onto the rock, taking in the little details that I didn't notice before, his vision enhancing my own. I shuddered as a strange rolling sensation crawled down my spine. I rolled my shoulders, trying to get rid of it. It faded after a few seconds and I turned my focus back to the valley. He threw an image of Shey into my mind, making me compare the beauty of our mate to that of the view as the sun slowly finished its descent and I rolled my eyes. He and I both knew which one I found more beautiful.

My wolf heard the whoosh of air before I did and a warm rush ran down my hand. Without warning my hand snapped out, catching the branch that had been swung at my head. A low growl rumbled our chest and I inhaled before realizing it was Azrael. I looked over my shoulder at him before yanking the branch from his hand and throwing it over the edge.

"I didn't think you would catch it." He sounded amused as he sat down beside me, my wolf was at ease around him. He had known Azrael for too long to be wary.

"Were you just creeping out in the woods?" I raised an eyebrow at him and he shook his head.

"Stalking out in the woods." The emphasis he placed on the word made me smirk.

"I'll be sure to warn your next mate about that little habit. Why are you out here?" I looked over at him and he was staring out into the valley.

His eyebrows were pulled low over his eyes as if he were in deep thought. "You've been out here for close to six hours. I figured I should check on you." He glanced at me, his expression lightening. "Although I thought you would have had to at least spend the night before you figured it out." He grinned at me, I wasn't sure how a person could make a smile mocking but Azrael had it down pat.

I shook my head at him. "Figured what out?" I was highly curious at to the answer he had.

"That you are just as much at fault as your wolf." He laughed loudly and I groaned as I rolled my eyes. The male gave me no credit.

"I'm not stupid." I ducked my head out of the way as he tried to mess up my mud crusted hair.

"Could have fooled me." He shove against my shoulder lightly and I shoved back.

"Very funny. Just because I'm a bit of a slow learner it doesn't make me stupid." I glanced at him and he shrugged, relaxing further in his spot as darkness started to settle over the mountain side.

"Semantics." A silence fell as we both looked over the valley we sat above. I could count four different mountain peaks in the distance. Azrael's pack controlled nearly a full peak. His territory was very coveted by the other Mountain Alphas. None were stupid enough to try and take it from him that I knew but I knew they coveted it regardless. That familiar rolling feeling crawled down my back and I rolled my shoulders to make it go away. "I see you found a semblance of balance." Azrael gestured at me and I turned my head to look at him.

"Pardon?" I frowned slightly in confusion as I tried to discern if he was serious or not.

"Are you seriously telling me you can't feel that?" He looked almost surprised and I narrowed my eyes slightly. Confusion wasn't my favourite emotion.

"Feel what?" I stared at him intently. If he didn't tell me I would have been tempted to beat it out of him. I had enough of him fucking with my mind. He took way too much glee in it.

"You are putting off a fair amount of dominance." He shook his head as if he couldn't believe I hadn't realized it and I blinked rapidly. I tried to focus on myself and became aware of the power and dominance that did radiate off of me. It wasn't extreme like Azrael's or even Jace's but it was enough to surprise me.

"Oh... that's different." I didn't really have any other words for it. As someone who never had power or dominance before, having even a small amount was a different feeling for me.

"The wolf holds the power, the human wears it as domiance. You just haven't noticed how much power your wolf holds it will grow stronger the longer you are balanced." He stood up and held out a hand that I took. He hauled me to my feet and I resisted the urge to dust off my pants. I was covered in mud so it wouldn't do anything anyway. "You passed the first test at least." I looked at him carefully and he ran a hand through his hair. "If you can react with your wolf I can teach you to act with him. The hard part is over at least." He clapped me on the back, making me stumble under the force of it. "I'd say in a few months you can return to your mate. Although I think your true battle waits there." He gave me another mocking grin and I sighed. I couldn't even get mad at him, he wasn't wrong.