5. | innocently confirmed it

My tense muscles finally relax after the hot water runs over my body and I let out a sigh. This has been a very tough week and I am absolutely exhausted. What exhausts me even more is the fact that this was just the first week of a few months. How am I even supposed to survive that? Just the thought of going back to that place makes me anxious, let alone when I am in there. I let out another sigh and try to enjoy the warmth of the water.

Today is Sunday, my only day off. Because of the fact that the past week was the first week of my internship, I decided on sleeping at home. This week I'll try to vary where I sleep, depending on the time of my first conversations. There's actually a department in the prison with bedrooms for the guards and my father arranged one for me, next to his spare bedroom. He sleeps there most of the time, sometimes he comes back home for a night or two. I could move out because I'm not a teen anymore but I simply do not have the money to rent a small apartment, even if I'd split it with my best friend.

Reed has been very helpful the entire week. I feel quite comfortable around him, knowing that he kind of understands me and really tries to help me function as a therapist. I truly feel like a rookie, but time will hopefully make me gain experience. That's the entire point of throwing myself into deep waters.

Kimberly has been kind, but her exaggerated enthusiasm gets on my nerves most of the time. I don't even understand how she does that. After a week of observation I've realized that there's definitely something going on between her and my father. It is so obvious; it pisses me off and confuses me at the same time. I'm not pissed at her, I'm pissed that no one's able to see through the act that my father plays every single day. He's just not a good man. Him having authority as a guard literally makes no sense to me. Not at all.

Rinsing the shampoo out of my hair, I put one hand against the shower cabin, slightly leaning into it.

I don't regret my choices of trying to help the inmates, but some of them have really been giving me a hard time without any reason. By some of them, I mainly mean the one inmate that managed to give me goosebumps all over my spine, in a bad way, within the first few minutes of our first conversation.

His name is Michael Bradshaw. He's been in the same prison for ten years now, waiting in death row for a death that seems to never come. He's in his early thirties. There are a lot of allegations against him, but the main ones are murder and many cases of rape.

Mostly, the really tough and dangerous considered criminals aren't on my list, but I ask Reed for one every now and then. I want to challenge myself and see how I'm holding up and dealing with such situations. Being ambitious always seems to pay off, but this time it has just bitten me in the ass. I could always ask Reed to never have a conversation with Michael again, but even the thought of giving up makes me feel weak.

If there's one emotion I never want to feel, it's weakness.

Even though there has been all kinds of hardship, I have talked with a lot of detainees this week and some of them were very terrifying, while others were quite okay and opened up to me a lot within such a short amount of time. I've realized that a lot of detainees do actually regret what they did and want to go home, but they are also scared to go back into society again. What if they mess up, again?

On the other hand, some detainees are proud of what they did. I have tried to talk to them, to get them to feel something, be emotional and most importantly be human, but it seems like my effort resulted into nothing. However, I will not give up on them because I know that there must be something, a little bit of humanity left. I just haven't found it, yet.

However, about Michael, I'm not so sure.

''Why would I regret doing it?'' He spat into my face during the first conversation, ''You know what I regret most? I regret getting caught.''

The smug look on his face made me sick to my stomach as he continued. ''I had a whole bunch of girls on my list. Hell, I was on my way of becoming the 21st century version of Theodore Bundy.''

That's when I realized I couldn't listen to anything coming from Michael any longer. At least not for a while until I figure out how to handle him. I called Reed in and he took Michael back to his cell.

And then there's this mysterious guy. Well, not so mysterious anymore since we've talked this week.

Three days after our first confusing and closed conversation, he told a guard named Cole, who he seems to have quite a bond with, that he wanted to have another conversation with me.

''So the mysterious Ethan finally wants to talk?'' I proudly said, trying to mask my smile as he scoffed to sit in the seat in front of me. It seemed like he got even more handsome since the last time I saw him. His blonde locks once again messy, his eyes meeting mine right away.

''Hey, I could go right back to my incredibly enjoyable cell.'' A boyish grin spread across his face, ''But the smile you're trying to suppress tells me you would rather not have me leave so quickly this time.''

I could almost immediately feel a rosy shade spreading over my cheeks as Ethan's smile got wider at the sight of it. ''You just innocently confirmed it, Brooklyn.''

''Say you went back to your cell because I end up not being worth your time.'' I stated, ''What would you do in that incredibly fun cell of yours? I'm truly curious.''

He shrugged, pointing his cuffed hands towards my notebook and pencil that laid uselessly on my desk. ''I'd draw—" He paused shortly before he continued, "random things until the lights go out and we're basically forced to sleep.''

Nearly the entire conversation that afternoon, we continued to talk about the kind of drawings he makes. A few smiles, chuckles and comfortable silences here and there. It felt so natural and I'm sure we both felt it.

He still hasn't told me how he ended up in prison and asked me to not try to find out through his files because he just needs time to trust me. He told me a little more about his past, about how he's been living with only his mother since he was eight and got a little sister soon after. His mother ran away with him because his dad was an alcoholic and had business going on with the mafia.

I was and still am geniunely glad that he has atleast one positive thing going on in his life: a loving mother and a little sister.

Unlike me.

I've lost my mother three years ago. Someone had tried to steal her bag and she fought back because there was quite an amount of money in it. It wasn't money that belonged to her, it was money that she had gathered for various charities for months. She went to the bank to get it, not thinking about any possible harm since she would only have to walk to her car, which was merely a two minute walk from the bank's entrance.

The culprit had threatened her with a knife but my mom was way too brave to back off. After that, he slit her throat in the heat of the moment and ran away. By the time the ambulances had arrived, my mom had already lost too much blood and so she didn't survive.

The thing that confused everyone the most, was the fact that her murderer did not take the money. Money clearly wasn't the motivation.

I was just sixteen when it happened and I was devastated. It was emotionally too much for me, which resulted into my father sending me to Europe to stay with my grandmother for a few weeks after the funeral. I didn't want to relive the pain of losing her by constantly having to go to court and seeing news reports about the police's investigation. All I know is that there have been a few people arrested, all of them had something to do with her murder.

She was everything to me; my mother, my sister, my best friend, my inspiration and my hero. I looked up to her not just because she was a successful independent woman, but more because of her amazing personality.

After the break up with my father, everyone thought she would have a total break down but she didn't, even though my parents' separation was very complicated.

Everyone loved her because she was such a loveable person. She would do anything to help people and taught me to be like that as well.

I remember one time, about 8 years ago, I was eating a chocolate bar and a little five year old girl at the playground looked at it as if she'd never seen one. My eleven year old self ran back home, took all the chocolate bars she could find and brought them to the girl. I still remember how shocked the little girl was and how great I felt after doing that, while I had a pretty precious relationship with my chocolate bars at the time.

I also remember how my mom reacted to that. First she thought I had eaten all those bars by myself but when I told her that I gave it to a poor looking little girl, she was very proud. She was proud that I had helped someone out and I'm still trying to make her proud. She's my inspiration to keep doing this, to stay and talk with the detainees to help them out.

I smile at the thought of those memories as I finish and step out of the shower. I wrap a towel around me and walk towards my closet to pull out my comfiest pajamas.

After dressing up, I let myself fall into my warm bed. I had planned to start watching another Netflix show, but I'm tired and I could really use some sleep before tomorrow.

I stare at a picture of my mom and me on my nightstand as I involuntarily let a few tears escape my eyes. I wipe them away quickly as I pull up my blanket all the way to my chin.

''I hope I'm making you proud.'' I softly mumble as exhaustion gets the best of me, my eyes slowly fluttering close as a peaceful sleep washes over my body.

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A/N; speaking of netflix shows, which netflix show are you currently watching? i've started rewatching glee, because i could never bring myself to finish after cory monteith sadly passed away a few years ago. may he and naya rest in peace.

also, this was the last intro type and information about the past flooded chapter. from now on there will be way more dialogues and a whole lot of drama and surprises coming your way.

thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed. please don't forget to vote, share & comment, i really enjoy reading every single one of them.

— lyra b.