18. | none can describe

E T H A N

"Apparently we've been forced into a double date by our best friends. Can't say I'm complaining though. I'll pick you up at 5pm on Monday." I read the message out loud, pronouncing every word slowly. As I'm clenching my jaw, I try to take in the words on the screen from an unknown person.

Now, who the hell is this? And why would Lexi do such thing?

Even the idea of Brooklyn agreeing to a date bothers me tremendously, let alone her going and maybe even having a good time. I don't care if that makes me selfish or toxic, I genuinely don't want another member of the male species to be her source of happiness.

I know scumbag Reed has something for her too, it's obvious. It annoys me but it doesn't make me worry at all. He doesn't stand a chance.

Brooklyn starts coughing after I've read the message out loud and covers her mouth with her hand. My eyes fall upon it and I think back to a minute ago when I was slowly rubbing the back of her hand. The moment I felt something I'm sure I haven't felt before.

Normally, girls don't have any effect on me. Sure, I always felt sexually attracted to them, but once I got what I wanted, I didn't crave any other intellectual depth in them. I know I was an asshole for that, but I justified it by telling myself they knew what they were getting into. They knew I didn't do relationships. I didn't want any of that. Commitment was everything I'd ran away from.

That was until Brooklyn.

I hate to admit it, but Brooklyn makes me feel things. I hate it because it makes me extremely vulnerable. Do I let her in, completely? Do I show her all of my ugly sides? Will she like me through all that?

It's not that Brooklyn is worth more than any of those other girls. They all have the same values and should all be appreciated. However, the Ethan from years ago just didn't see that.

I finally understand how I should have treated them, but didn't. All because of my own insecurities.

The worst part was that I didn't only upset the girls. My mom was always so disappointed in me, telling me I should treat women with more respect, like how I'd want my mother and sister to be treated. At the time, I'd shrug it off, not realizing how much my family was worth. I did love them, but not enough.

A fish doesn't get the importance of water until it's out of it, like my grandmother would always tell me.

I didn't see how much my mother loved me through it all. She put up with all of my shit, and I thought I was the one taking care of them. Now that I've had three years to review myself, I realize how wrong I was.

When Brooklyn came in here, I felt myself changing even more. I don't think she's aware of it, yet. At first, she just seemed so nice, too nice to me and all the other detainees. We weren't just clients, we were human beings of value to her and she tried to help us.

It was almost like she saw the light in the darkness, the pretty in all of my ugly. She looked so fragile and maybe even naïve. Now, after everything we've already been through in just a few months, I realize I've underestimated her and what she can handle. Though, I was worried.

The day I started worrying I knew something had changed. I haven't worried about anyone other than my mother and my little sister but with Brooklyn, change came.

I don't show her that side often, I keep it all inside of me, try to cover that soft side of me in the best way I can: acting like a total ass. I'm pretty sure I annoy her with my cockiness but I enjoy her company and I enjoy seeing her laugh. The way she tries so hard to laugh with her mouth closed, the little crinkles that form around her eyes which shut completely and the dimple that appears on her left cheek. I love the thought that I can get that kind of a reaction out of her. That I can be a reason for her to smile through all her pain.

I know there are a million words but none can describe the way this girl makes me feel.

My brain is telling me I shouldn't, I can't, but my heart choses to feel.

I don't know what exactly yet but I know for sure that it is something, and just the thought of it got me addicted, addicted to her.

Fucking hell, why does Reed keep interrupting every single conversation Brooklyn and I manage the have? All I want to do, is punch him in the face, repeatedly. If Brooklyn only knew the kind of person he really is.

He looks like the innocent kind of guy, the type that girls swoon over and can introduce to their parents. But hell no, he's far from it. It's all just a mask to hide the ugliness of his soul and I'm glad Brooklyn hasn't fallen for it, yet. Cause if she does, I won't be able to stop myself from telling her, everything.

When the time is right, she'll know the truth. If I tell her Reed's involvement, she'll keep seeing the images of the situation, her mother, in her mind. I don't want to do that to her. Even though she thinks she can handle it, she isn't ready for any of it. I'll try my best to keep her out of it, for as long as I can. I don't have to, but I want to protect her. The more she knows, the more people will want to silence her, for good.

Funny how with all the shit we have going on, I'm stressed out by an idiot texting her for a blind double date.

She glances over at me while nervously chewing her lip. She always does that. She's so pure, it physically pains my heart. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Who the hell is this?" I ask tonelessly and slide the phone back to her over the desk. I glare at her as I try to not make it too obvious I'm struggling with a way to cope with this in the right way.

"Tell him that—," I begin.

Don't say it. Don't go there.

"Tell him you're taken." I mumble, totally ignoring the logical thinking side of my brain.

Her eyes quickly dart up to mine as if in a shock. She doesn't speak at all, just stares at me with her mouth slightly open. I bet she's overthinking right now, she always does. Another thing about her that I enjoy way too much.

"Tell him that." I continue, tapping my fingers on the wood. I notice she's kind of hesitating but then she slowly reaches out her hand and picks up her phone from the desk. I stare at her every movement.

God, what the hell is this girl doing to me?

I notice that she's not typing, just fidgeting with her phone in her hands. I can't help but feel a sting of disappointment at her reaction. It's not that I've asked her to date me, is that why she's reacting like this?

Does the thought of being with me freak her out?

"I mean, that just scares guys off. I'd know, you know, since I'm one myself." I wink at her, lightening up the thick atmosphere. Great way of stopping the direction this conversation would go towards if I would push harder. I'm not eager to get my heart broken without even properly being able to give it away, to her.

She lets out a light chuckle. "I'll just reply later." She puts the phone back on the desk. I feel a sting of jealousy, but choose to ignore it this time.

The remaining time we have, we talk about a variety of stuff. She tells me about her past week, I tell her about mine. I also give her some depth into my alibi and why it wasn't supported enough for my team to build the entire defense on it. I don't tell her about the evidence that weight a lot in the eyes of the jury and judge. Once again, because it would acquire me to go a little bit into depth and I'm not looking forward to talking about her mother's blood with her.

When the time is right, I will.

After an hour of smiles, laughter, serious talk and plan making, the door opens and a guard comes into view. I let out an exasperated sigh, causing Brooklyn to let out a soft giggle, and prepare myself to hear the sentence I've been hating so much lately.

"Your time is up." The guard says, "I'm bringing him away and then I'll get the next detainee."

"Until next time." She mutters, closing her notebook. I find and hold her eyes for a bit until I stand up without saying another word, following the guard out of the room.

We walk up the stairs and through the corridors towards my cell. As soon as my handcuffs are off, I walk in and drop myself on the ground, leaning my back to the side of my bed. I rub my wrists while stretching my legs, ignoring the hateful sound of my door locking.

The sound I'll hear everyday for the rest of my life.

That'll be the case if we don't manage to pull of our plan to prove my innocence.

Cole and Brooklyn are going to speak with my attorney next week. Together, they're going to try to plead for another court. That will only be accepted if they manage to gather new critical evidence for the case. The critical evidence can be received if Brooklyn manages to get Reed to talk and record it while Cole snoops around the prison, near Brooklyn's father, Ryan. There must be some kind of evidence tying him to the case as well. I'm sure of it.

Meanwhile, I'll try to call my mother this week. Not just to see how they're holding up, but to tell her about what we're working on. If she's doing alright, I'll give Brooklyn the green light to visit her. It'll be better if my mom explains more about that night, because she was and once again can be an important witness for my alibi, a huge part of the defense over all. The first court my alibi was strong, but the contradicting evidence was stronger. If we manage to get more evidence on our side, along with my alibi, we'll overpower them and make a great chance of winning.

That is of course if the governor accepts we start the trial from the beginning after entirely eliminating the verdict of the previous one.

For now, I just have to behave and stay calm while Brooklyn and Cole do their thing. I take out a few papers that I've tucked underneath my mattress and place them on my lap.

I look at some drawings I've made in these past few weeks. There are drawings of my family, my view from the little window in the corner and a bunch of daisies. They're the only flowers I can find around here.

I take out one last empty paper and start drawing what's on my mind. I end up drawing Brooklyn, since she is the one on my mind lately.

I smile at the thought of her, trying to put in as much details as I can. Her smile, dimple on the left cheek, the cute little freckles scattered on her nose and her cheeks. Her dark shoulder length hair which, I must say, always smells of peaches. Not that I'm a creep who sniffs her hair, but it just lingers in the air of places she's been.

I wish I could draw her eyes sparkly green but since I don't have any colored pencils, I decide the thought of it is enough to drive me insane.

Lost in the thought of her, I'm surprised to hear a pair of keys in front of my door. I look up to see Reed looking at me while pushing a tray of  food through the little opening in the door. I must have lost track of time, because it seems to have flown by while I was drawing.

I stand up to grab and put it on the little table next to my bed. I wait for him to leave but he doesn't. Instead, he points his finger towards the papers on my bed.

"Bring those here." He demands in a tone which makes me want to choke him right here, right now.

"The hell I am." I reply, trying to suppress my anger by letting out a swift chuckle.

"Now." He continues to test my temper even though he knows it is hanging by a thin thread.

If I didn't know better, I'd grab his arm through the opening and slam his head against the bars to teach him a little lesson. The old me would do it, thinking I'm here for a life sentence anyway so I wouldn't have anything to lose.

However, now I do have something, someone, to lose if I give up my reputation of good behavior.

Brooklyn.

I sigh and clench my fists tight, so tight that I can feel my nails cutting in my palms.

"I'm allowed to have books, papers and pencils. I haven't given you any reason to demand my stuff, so unless you've got an actual reason, leave me alone. You and I both know you're just messing with me so I act back. That way you'll finally feel better about what you did to me, right?"

That's enough to get him right where I want him. I turn around and sit down on my bed with my back to the door, grabbing the food. I let out a sigh of relief when I hear him walking away before I'd give in and do something to him.

For you Brooklyn, just for you.

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A/N; finally a look into ethan's mind, yay. hope you guys are enjoying this story <3 a lot is slowly about to unfold, try to look closely into some words and sentences i'm using and you might start to suspect some parts of the plot :p until next time,,

thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed.

please don't forget to vote & comment, i really enjoy reading every single one of them.

— lyra b.