Love to Lust to Love

Jan peered over my shoulder and rested her hand on my back. “It’s real nice, Dev.”

I nodded. The perfect ring. How could she say no?

“I’m glad you like it.” The woman said. “Much better than those plain rings, don’t you think?”

“She’s not a plain girl.” I said with a small smile.

“She really isn’t.” Jan said. “She turned this girl around lickety split. Used to sleep with anything that moved. It was insane. She’d ditch me at the bar for some girl and I—”

“Would spend the night staring at Luce like a sad puppy without a home.” I mumbled.

The woman chuckled quietly. “Best friends I see. So, this girl is really something special?”

I nodded. “One of the best things in my life.”

“I wish you luck.” She smiled. “Now, what size do you need this to be?”

I was walking away with a ring in my jacket pocket and butterflies in my stomach. I could feel it bouncing against my hip as I walked.

“So, when do you want to do this?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. After Thanksgiving.”

“That’s in a week. How far after Thanksgiving?”

I thought about it for a minute. “Christmas?”

“You gonna wrap it up or something?” Jan asked, seeming disappointed in that idea.

I thought about it for a long while, and then smiled. “I’ve got an idea.”

“What is it?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll tell Luce.”

“So? I’ll probably tell her you’re going to propose.”

“You can’t do that either.”

“Why not?”

“I need it to be a secret until I get her parents’ permission.”

“What do you mean permission?” Jan scoffed. “You never ask permission for anything, you just do it.”

“I want to do this right. I need to. She deserves the best, and I know I’m not that, but I’m going to try and get as close as I can to being that for her.”

“What did she do to you that first time you slept with her?” Jan said with a laugh.

“Changed my world.”

“What, is she that great?”

I laughed too and said, “The best, but that’s not it. It’s just her. There’s something about her.”

“She’s your person.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I rolled my eyes and Jan’s insanity again.

“She’s the one.”

“No such thing.”

“Really? You wanna do this again? I say you’re going to find someone you can’t get out of your head, and you do. I say you’ll fall in love. You do. I say you’ll get married. You do. She’s the one, she’s the love of your life. She found you when you needed her and there’s no one else out there for you but her. You’re one of the few who finds their person, and I predicted it the whole time.”

“I don’t think your word is the be all end all. You can be wrong sometimes.”

Jan has this smirk on her face. “When have I been wrong?”

“When you said Luce doesn’t have feelings for you. She’s waiting for you to grow some balls and ask her out.”

“If she likes me, why doesn’t she say anything?”

“She wants you to realize that you’re being an idiot. Confidence makes or breaks you, so just go and ask her out already. I’m asking Sara to marry me. You can ask Luce to go on a date. I took your advice, right? You can take mine.”

“You really didn’t. In fact, you kind of got forced into everything and ended up doing what I said to do on your own.” I could tell Jan was trying to get out of it.

“Just do it Jan, what’s she going to do? Say no? We’ll still be able to go to the bar, you’ll still be able to moon over her. Honestly, it’ll be fine. We can drink away your sorrows later, but we can’t do that if you don’t actually do something about it.”

Jan looked stunned and stopped walking. “So, I should go for it, even if she says no?”

“Of course you should! I mean, she’s not going to say no, but how can you expect to move on either way without asking? You’ll forever just stand there, rejecting poor souls and mooning over Luce for forever! Ask her tonight.” I finished.

Jan nodded slowly. “Maybe.”

“We’ll get you drunk first.” I added, knowing she’d need some liquid courage.

“Yeah.” She mumbled and we continued walking.

We were downtown, just wanderings around. I needed time to think and talk to Jan about it all. They were already putting Christmas lights up on the trees and the Starbucks’ on every corner were all selling their peppermint drinks again. Seattle: Starbucks land. There was at least one on every corner, and unlike most cities where you smelled piss and saw used condoms on the street, you smelled coffee and saw trashcans filled with Starbucks cups. Seattle’s Best was around too, but it didn’t stand a chance against Starbucks. Littering may as well have been punishable by the death penalty around here, at least socially, so was using diesel. Washington was good about that, we cared about the environment. We were a bunch of tree huggers, but we really embraced that part of us.

We walked in silence for a while, and then Jan spoke up. “Are you sure about this? I mean, you haven’t known her long. What if something goes wrong? What if she says no?”

“You said she was the one.” I said, smiling at how I could use her words against her.

“Yeah, but I’m just saying that—”

“If she says no, then I’ll survive and I’ll stay with her if she’ll let me. If it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, but I can feel it. It will work. I don’t know why or how, I just know that it will.”

“You’re crazy.”

“I’m in love.”

“Same thing.” Jan grumbled under her breath.

“Be happy for me? You have to be, you’re my Best Man. Or Best Lady. Or something like that.”

She chuckled. “Like I thought anyone else would be. I’m in charge of your Bachelor’s Party, said so since high school. Strippers, strippers, strippers.”

I groaned. “Way to start off a marriage.”

“I know, right?” She chuckled. “Come on, your last night where you have a chance to not be with one woman forever, the strippers are less about being turned on and more about your resolve to say ‘Yep, Sara’s the one’.”

“Yeah right, strippers are about strippers.”

“That too.” She said with this huge grin.

“We should go see Caleb.”

“Invite him to the bar tonight, we can tell him then.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

I didn’t go home to see Sara that day, I didn’t think I could hide it from her. I felt like she would just see it in my eyes when I came home, and so I told her I had to go to work and work the lunch shift. In my defense, I did go to work. I didn’t work, I sat in the storage area and talked with my coworkers.

I was sitting in one of the chairs next to the woman who made spring rolls every night. P Mom was walking by when she saw her holding the ring.

“What this?” P Mom walked over, forgetting her task and leaned in to admire the ring.

“I’m asking my girlfriend to marry me.” I said proudly.

“It very nice! Very pretty.” She said, smiling at me.

I nodded. “I bought it today.”

“When you going to ask?”

“On Christmas. I have a big plan for it. I need time so I can get down to California and ask her parents and get everything ready.”

“Oh, I see. Must be exciting.”

“It is.”

Soon enough, there was a crowd of people congratulating me (though I wasn’t actually engaged yet) and complimenting the ring and all of that good stuff.

I left at around 6 and went over to the bar. Caleb and Jan were already there, Jan chalking up a pool stick and Caleb sipping a beer nervously.

“Hey Dev. You okay? Jan said you had something to tell me.”

I pulled out the velvet ring box and opened it. “I’m going to ask her to marry me.” I said with a grin. I couldn’t hold it back; my heart felt like it was going to burst.

He seemed shocked, but then his face grew into a smile. “No way.” I just nodded. “I’m getting you a beer. We need to celebrate.”

I laughed. “I haven’t asked her yet!”

“She’ll say yes.” He said with a smile and went off to the bar.

I shook my head, a smile still plastered to my face and turned to Jan. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

She nodded and took a swig of her beer, looking over at Luce with a jittery look in her eye.

I was washing my hands and the door opened. There was a time when I would have looked up to see how hot she was and if I could have a quickie right here before heading back out to the pool table. I didn’t do that now, I just thought about my plan to propose to Sara.

“Heard you’re getting married.”

I knew that voice. I looked up to see Carrie standing behind me and I just looked back down at my hands. “Maybe.”

“You really think you can be what she needs? I’ve heard about your reputation. Sleeping with girls left and right, not bothering to learn their names. You can’t change, Devon. Trust me, I know. I tried to change for you. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I did. It just doesn’t work, Dev.”

“I’m different than you.” I said as I turned off the water and grabbed some paper towels.

She sauntered up behind me and kissed my neck at my soft spot, I wondered how she remembered it or if it was just everyone’s spot. Her hands slipped around and cupped my breast through my shirt. “This isn’t different, Dev. On anyone.” She whispered in my ear.

“Get off of me.” My voice wasn’t as strong as I wanted it to be, but I felt stronger for getting the words out at all.

“You don’t want that, Dev. You’re a creature of lust, not love. You can go from love to lust, just like you did once, but you can’t go from lust to love. It doesn’t work that way. You think you love her, but you don’t. It’s lust you’re feeling Devon, just like you are now.”

“I said get off of me.” This time my voice came out harsh and cold and most importantly, it was strong. I pushed her away and whipped around to look at her. “Don’t you dare touch me. Stay away from me, from Sara, from Caleb, from everyone I love. You’re wrong, Carrie. You’re dead wrong. The feeling of you on me is like the feeling of a snake crawling over me. You aren’t what I want, even sexually. Sara is the only woman I could ever want. She’s the one woman for me, and you can’t even compare.” I snarled. “Get out of here Carrie. Find someone else to harass. I’m done with you and your antics. I’m done with everything you do.”

She seemed shocked, her eyes wide and her mouth slightly agape. Slowly, she closed her mouth and narrowed her eyes at me. “Fine Devon, but when you realize that you want more than that in your life, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She turned on her heel and walked out of the bathroom.

I turned back to the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. I felt sick to my stomach. I felt gross, dirty. Like where she had touched me there was a coating of dirt and grime.

I pumped some soap into my hand and rubbed it on my neck until it felt raw and washed it off carefully, then dried it. I unbuttoned my purple plaid shirt and threw it in the trash, leaving me in just a purple v-neck that I had been wearing beneath it. I was glad I had left my jacket with Jan, I didn’t want to get rid of that.

I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time, but didn’t feel any better. I felt like I was going to throw up.

I really felt like I was going to throw up.

I lurched into one of the bathroom stalls, fell to my knees, and vomited into the toilet.

When I was finished, I sat down on the floor with my back pressed against the wall of the stall and leaned my head back to look at the ceiling.

I must have been in there a while because Jan came in and saw me on the floor of the stall and walked over and sat down beside me. “What happened? I saw Carrie leave here in a pissy mood, I just thought you set her straight, but then you didn’t come back out.”

“She tried something on me. Kissed my neck.”

“And the shirt in the trash?”

“Touched me.”

“Whore.”

“That’s what she was trying to tell me. That I couldn’t change.”

“You’re not a whore.” Jan protested.

“I was. Slept with everything I could. Couldn’t get enough of it, I thrived off of it. What if I can’t change?”

“You did.”

“How do you know?”

“Do you think about any other girl other than Sara.”

“No, but—”

“No. And you stopped Carrie from whatever it was that was going on, and it looked like you set her straight. You love Sara. You don’t want any other girl. You don’t have to worry, Dev. You’re going to be just fine at this. You’ll be a good wife, you’ll treat her right.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know you.” She said. “I’ve known you for almost forever. I knew that that whole sex with everyone thing was just a part of your life, I knew that you’d find someone and fall madly in love, I knew that you would be cute in a relationship and loving, I knew you would need help every step of the way because you’re you, and I know that you’re going to be just fine at being married. I know you better than you know you, and you’ll just have to get used to that.” Jan said.

I didn’t say anything for a long while, I just thought about what she said. She was right, she knew me better than I knew me, I had always known that though. I swear, the woman could read minds. “We should go.” I said after a moment. “Caleb will wonder where we are. Plus, you need to ask Luce out.”

She looked at me seriously. “Tell me you believe that you’ll do just fine, and I’ll ask her out. And don’t lie to me; I know your lying face.”

I looked at her and thought about it for a few moments before I said, I believe you.”

“Good. Now come on.” She stood up and held her hand out to me. “I have something stupid to do.”

-------------------------------------------------------

So, what did you guys think?

I'm also writing Life In Color right now (forcing it out for all you loyal people), so yeah.

Also, with this book getting ready to end, I need to start thinking about my next book. I have a little thing of novel ideas, you guys go and check it out and tell me what you want to read next, and if you have some ideas, message me them and I'll add them to the ideas thing. I love hearing from you guys, especially about what you want to read because then I get to get excited about it and write it and you get to get excited about it and read it. Win win, right?

Anyways, back to work. I'll see you later today, right? Definately for Life in Color, maybe another for Cravings or Cold Front, haven't decided yet.