19. Human

-Finley pov-

"The moon looks really pretty tonight,"

I sigh as I draw back the curtains of his hospital room's large window to reveal the beautiful full moon above a dark skyline with London's city lights blaring back at me.

"We should go see it. You could use the fresh air," I suggest Kaeden and he takes a small breath. Still in pain from his double mastectomy and chest reconstruction. Small drains hang from his sides beneath a tight binder, keeping his surgical wounds compressed.

"You know I can't leave the hospital yet. I get out tomorrow anyway." He moans, lifting his left wrist to show the bright pink band below his hospital bracelet, symbolizing he was a suicide risk.

"Well if I bring you up to the roof are you going to jump off?" I ask, thinking of retracting my offer. He looks at me and narrows his eyes.

"Was that a suicide joke?" He asks with a small huff.

"No, I'm being serious," I go into his wardrobe and grab one of my baggy zip-up hoodies.

"You're not connected to the monitors anymore and this isn't the pediatric unit with cameras and mics. Come on Kae," He puts his phone down and raises his dark brows in disbelief.

"Finley, how are we going to get out of here? There's 24-hour security. I can't leave this room without a therapist and I can't even lift my arms." he keeps coming up with excuses, but I refuse to take them as I toss the sweater his way.

"Here, just try to look normal. I'll be right back,"

I leave the room and come back fifteen minutes later with a white doctors coat and uniformed scrubs I had stolen from Mari's locker.

"Ready?" I ask the pale, zombie-like figure sitting up in bed.

"Hmm, Fin I don't even think I can walk that far," He groans without looking at me, but slowly inches off the bed anyway. I offer my arm, which he willingly accepts before seeing the coat and checking me out.

"Why hello there. Are you my new doctor? Because you're certainly an improvement from the last one, if you know what I mean," Kaeden smirks and I fight the urge to kiss him right then and there.

"Ahem, why yes. Dr. Grayson at your service," I nod and he chuckles a little before we start walking. I check first to make sure the hallway was clear and the nurses were busy gossiping about something.

"Alright it looks like we're all set," I whisper and we quietly walk out of his room, giving extra care to make sure we don't draw attention to ourselves. I take a step away from him to make sure I look like a concerned doctor guiding a patient instead of a loving boyfriend going for a walk with him.

We make it around the corner before going through a set of double doors. I glance over to check on Kaeden, he had the hood of the sweater up, covering most of his face. The long sleeves covered not only his bandaged wrist and hospital bands but his hands altogether.

I wanted to ask if he was alright, but I couldn't talk to him without drawing attention just yet as we walk past reception. Reading my mind, he gently squeezes my arm to reassure me and continues to waddle alongside me. I guide us to the staircase when a voice calls out.

"Halt!"

A chill goes down my spine.

Were we really caught this early?

I briefly check over my shoulder to see a nurse coming straight for us. Quickening the pace I try to walk faster, but Kaeden was slow as Canadian maple syrup so there was nothing I could do as the nurse calls out again.

"Hey! You!"

A man in front of us starts to bolt and the nurse pushes past me to run after him.

"Not gonna lie, I was shitting my pants for a second there," Kaeden says with a sigh of relief.

"You better not. it's bad enough I have to clean your drains," I add to get a weak punch in the side as a result and Kaeden's painful growl. He stops to heal as we reach the maintenance staircase.

"Fuck you, Ow that hurt me more than you," He groans as he catches his breath.

"Kaeden, seeing you in pain hurts me," I say sarcastically and he almost hits me again but thinks twice about it and retreats.

"I hate you, no one asked you to be here," He says and lets go of me, choosing to hold the railing instead.

I stick my hands in my newfound white coat pockets, feeling like maybe I should switch careers just for the confidence boost as I slowly walk beside him.

"You feel a lot of things for me but I know hate isn't one of them," I taunt him and he blushes slightly.

"You got me there," He says with a smile that causes me to pause.

This man is adorable and he can take my sarcasm?

Sure, he a needs some personal work but I'm not any better with my rough edges.

"Look at that sad little star out there in the middle of space all alone. I feel so bad for that star," Kae sighs as he looks out at the night sky while we lean against one of the quiet vents, sitting on the hospital roof.

I squint in the direction he was looking and find the "star" moving at high speeds.

"Kaeden, that's an airplane," I break the news to him but he shushes me.

"Shh, stop being such a downer. Let me dream," he yawns as he awkwardly sits beside me with our shoulders just touching.

"Thank you for my surgery and for taking care of me these past two weeks," He says while twirling the strings of my oversized sweatshirt.

"Stop thanking me Kaeden. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat...okay maybe I could live without the almost death part but you get it." I sigh as I look up at the moon.

I feel his hand lightly touch my back before pulling back.

"It's okay to touch me you know," I hint but there's a loud thud against the vent instead and I turn my attention back to him. His head tilts up as he closes his eyes and his face was scrunched up like he was in a lot of pain.

"Kae? Are you okay?" I ask out of concern as I sit up and turn my body towards him. He whistles out a few short breaths as if that would exorcise the pain away.

"Yeah...It just hurts to lift or stretch my arms," he explains before opening his eyes again to find my body turned to face him.

He could tell, but I was evaluating his body language as if he was a book written in an entirely different language I couldn't quite decipher just yet. However, I am willing to learn and I'm slowly learning each syllable with every word we speak.

I was never this invested in Lei when we first started dating.

He was just a series of drunken one night stands that became exclusive. Eventually, there was a swift fiery passion. But it was only a passing phase in and out between our unstable moments of abusive speech and anger. Lei was infuriating, sensual, and attractive all at once.

There were moments of peace, but they were only moments.

Like the moment of calm in the eye of the storm while the rest of the world goes to shit around you.

Then Kaeden's path meets mine and there's a sudden desire to take my time, to pay attention to every word he says, to care for his every want and need.

This feeling for Kae was steady and never-ending. I could lay down next to him and talk for hours without ever getting bored. There was no such thing as a inactive silence when we were together. We were stable and complimenting,

I like that...

I need that.

"What are you thinking about?" Kaeden asks, his forehead pressed against mine when he leans forward as if our brains touching would tell him all my innermost thoughts and feelings.

"Nothing you don't already know," I whisper back as his hands lightly press against my waist.

"I thought it hurts to lift your arms?" I ask, looking down and grabbing hold of his strong arms in shock.

"It does but I can't really help it when I have this hot doctor practically sitting on my lap with a shy look in his eyes," Kae says and pauses as if he's waiting for something. But when that something doesn't come he leans back.

"I'm jealous," He adds aloud as his thumbs draw small comforting circles.

"Of what?"

He stops when I ask and looks over towards the city below with a long-winded sigh.

"I feel like with any other person you were into, you probably would have kissed them by now," he speaks boldly as I stare him down.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. But then again, I wouldn't have taken the time to get to know them either," I admit and he laughs.

"You don't know the half of it," he mumbles under his breath and breaks eye contact.

"I know some of it, you have to give me a little credit," when he tries to drop his head to show his insecurity, I tilt his chin back up before he starts to think of building walls between us.

"I don't need to know everything about your life before. If you think it's better if I didn't, that's fine. You could wait until the day I die for all I care. I'll never see you as anything different from the annoying young man who decided to use a chainsaw underneath my balcony," I laugh and he joins me. His light laughter rings in my ears as he presses his head against my shoulder, his lips just grazing past my sensitive neck.

"First off, it was a table saw. And secondly," He pauses for a few moments with his head buried in my shoulder and I'm left waiting.

"You smell really good, you know that? I love your scent," Kaeden avoids addressing the second part and I nudge him with my head to continue. I was still going off only four hours of sleep. Unable to rest while he was in surgery and spending my time watching after him when he first came out.

"Or we can talk about something else if you want," I offer but I can feel him shaking his head, his hair tickles my shoulder as he does.

"Finley, clearly whether I like it or not, me being trans is going to play a large role in my life. And yeah, There are a lot of people I left behind back in Canada who currently wish I was dead, but haha jokes on them cause here I am. The chosen family I have here is the only family I have left. I've been through a lot of unnecessary shit just to be the man I am today. That's all you really need to know," he says and I tilt my head down to kiss his soft cheek.

"Okay, but I meant it more like if anything ever bothers you or if I do something wrong just tell me. I'll try my best, but I can be an ignorant pain in the ass too sometimes." I mention.

Sure, there was always that fear in the back of my mind that a single touch to the wrong spot might trigger him and send him into another depression, but I could live with it. If anything it just proves that I actually do care.

Kaeden gets off my shoulder and kisses me without a second's hesitation.

The shock crashes through my body as my heart seems to leap around my chest cavity with that burning desire taking over as I close my eyes. Nearly forgetting with the suddenness of his gentle lips taking in mine.

He stops to catch his breath for a second which is lucky for him because apparently there was no air reaching my lungs anytime soon.

"Finley?"

When my name slowly rolled off his tongue I had to tell my brain to breath because I had forgotten how to.

"That's my name, don't wear it out," I add with a sarcastic smirk pretending to be this tough guy when my chest cavity was filled with strange butterflies scattering in universal directions with no sign of stopping.

He kisses me again the nerves build up until they dissipate along with all my doubts and pieces of my heartache with one fatal kiss.

He wasn't kissing me while also wanting to throttle me against a brick wall.

He wasn't trying to shove me against solid steel and force me into doing things I didn't care for.

He would never choke me with one hand until I couldn't breathe while carefully assaulting me in the other, manipulating me into thinking otherwise.

In Kaeden's arms I wasn't terrified to the point of uncontrollable quivering and violent outburst with my verbal arsenal.

The way his fingers intertwine with mine and how his soft kiss never once touched on borderline aggressive or forceful. I thought I was going to have another PTSD driven anxiety attack but his gentleness blew it away before it even had the chance to start.

He pulls away again and I slowly open my eyes to see his shining smile in the dark. His thumb moves from the edge of my chin to my bottom lip, gently wiping it with the tip.

For the first time in my life I was completely speechless and sat there like an idiot, unable to form words caught in the bottom of my throat.

"God, you are so beautiful, Fin. I'm sure a lot of people tell you that and it's stupid for me to tell you something you already know but you're so beautiful. Your energy, the light in your hazel-gray eyes, your soft compassion, your intelligence, and even your sarcastic wit. Everything that makes you Finley is beautiful." He says while looking me dead in the eyes without a hint of any bullshit in his tone.

He's right.

Countless people have complimented me and mentioned aloud that I am a beautiful man.

As if it's just common knowledge.

But no one has ever seen me as a human being and even though it was my personality that makes me truly beautiful, nevermind actually says it to my face.

Kaeden stirs some kind of emotion inside of me that I had tried to kill after I kicked Lei out.

But thinking of death only reminds me of his own and before I knew it, the roller coaster had started and I had tears in my eyes that must make me look insane.

"Kaeden," I croak as my throat finally unclogs and he listens to every syllable of every word I say. "Don't you ever, try to leave me again...not like that okay?"

My voice cracks when I saw this and his eyes open wide before he pulls me into his warm and inviting arms, even if it caused him pain.

"No Fin, I won't ever put you through this again. I promise you with everything in my power it won't happen again. I was in a really bad place but I'm better now," He says as he grips the white doctors coat with all his strength.

I could be strong for him, I had to be, but if he had died...

I don't know what I would have done.

If I had been just one second late, if Noell hadn't come home early that night, if Kaeden had never called me, he would be gone.

My throat burns as these thoughts swirl around my head causing me to weep into his shoulder and be thankful that it's his shoulder I can lean on and no one else's.

I could only pretend to be strong for so long.

*****

This chapter took so much longer than I thought but I have a job

Also wrote a new description for this book so check that out for spoilers as to the direction this book is taking.