9. Masculinity

-kaeden pov-

I yawn as I watch practice go on as usual below the booth. Tizzy gets into a tizzy when she sees her star pupil's swollen eye and Maisie refuses to acknowledge him.

Thankfully I had locked the booth door to protect Finley from her wrath. I couldn't understand why she was being so petty about it, shit happens.

If anything I should be the petty one but no, Kaeden is the mature one, he's the one who lets things go.

I look over to check on the little devil himself to see him curled up in the corner near the vent where warm air was blasting through.

He uses his sweater as a pillow and shivers a little before going back to his quiet snores. I stand up and carefully drape my sweater over his body.

He looks uncomfortable in the fetal position, but there wasn't anything I could do about that. With nothing else to do, I get down on my knees in front of him.

I had never been this close to Finley before, or anyone for that matter. Watching his deep slumber made me slightly jealous considering I could never sleep with my high anxiety. His long black hair curls in gentle waves surrounding covering parts of his face.

Without thinking twice, I gently push his silky hair to the side, discovering the bright red mark on his cheek. Examining it to see if it would turn purple, I touch the soft delicate skin surrounding the outer rim, I could nearly feel my heart pounding outside my chest.

"Lei?" He quietly moans his ex-boyfriend's name and I pull my hand back, terrified by just how creepy I was being.

"Sorry Fin, I was just looking at your bruise, I swear," I stutter only to discover he was just talking in his sleep.

I let out a small sigh of relief and just sit back. Exhausted just by looking at him, I lay down on the other side of the vent on the soft carpet. With the warm air just gracing the left side of my face, I feel like I'm being lulled to sleep by the gentle sounds from my friends arguing in the distance and Finley's small breaths.

Closing my eyes to accept the pitch black darkness for a short nap.

The sound of a piano going off in the distance wakes me up and I open my eyes to feel something wrapped around my waist. I tilt my head down to catch Finley's hand rested on my stomach, underneath my shirt. With a small groan, the hand moves down to my waist before quickly jutting back.

"Ah! Kae! I'm so sorry I thought you were someone else," He groans as he sits up and rubs his eyes.

"What is that?" I ask and he pulls his phone out of his pocket.

"It's my alarm. I set it for a half hour before I fell asleep," He yawns and stops the piano ringing with the flick of his thumb.

"Oh," I catch the contagious yawn before sitting up and looking out towards the stage, but everyone in the house was long gone.

"Well, it looks like it's just the two of us now," I sigh. Finley comes up beside me and rubs his eyes.

"Mmm, yeah I guess so, see you later," He pats me on the back before turning and walking out the door, without bothering to wait for me.

But it's not like I was a person worth waiting for anyway.

"Kaeden! Kaeden sweetheart come on! You can't stay in there all day!" Cassie calls through my bedroom door as I curl up, unmoving. The room was spinning and I could hardly move.

"Go away Mom!" I groan and can hear her footsteps march away. I love Cassie, but sometimes she was so close to us that it was like living with a real adoptive mother I always wanted yet never asked for.

There's a small click from the doorknob and I look over to see Cassie had unlocked the door and marched in without asking. I yank the covers over my head only to have them slowly peeled away as she hovers over me.

"Kaeden it's like two in the afternoon and we have rehearsal soon. You're not usually like this, are you okay?" She asks with such genuine concern that I peel the covers back just a bit.

"Kae, you look pale and sick, what are your symptoms?" She asks as she puts down a small tray of food for me and presses the back of her hand to my forehead.

"I just got...I got that period thing," I groan, feeling the shame for the first time in nearly a year since I started testosterone.

"Oh, sweetheart, these things happen sometimes but it's not the end of the world. It doesn't make you less of a man." She tries to reassure me as she rubs my shoulder.

"I just want to be alone," I sigh into the pillow and she goes to stand.

"Okay, I have to go to class but text me if you need anything," She offers and I give her a thumbs up before she closes the door to my room behind her.

Groaning in a small ball of self pity under the warm sheets with a small heating pad while watching The Fosters, there's a soft knock on the door and peek my head up.

"Who is it?" I groan as I sit up and stretch.

"It's Fin," His voice scares the shit out of me as I leap in the air and try to hide the heating pad while brushing the crumbs of my bed. Trying to make the fact I've been laying in bed all day doing nothing a little less obvious.

"Kaeden?" he calls out with another knock and I get up, turning in a small circles of panic before opening the door. He looks me up and down and his jaw drops, great.

"Hey? Are you feeling okay? You weren't at practice," He asks as he takes a step into my room for the first time.

"No, I was really sick this morning so I've just been nursing it off by staying in bed." I yawn and he closes the door behind him.

"Well that's good, you could use a break from running around looking like your head's been cut off or something," he smirks and sits down on the edge of my bed. Feeling a small twinge of pain from a cramp come on, I sit down on the other side and lay down on my back, facing the ceiling.

"Sorry, when I said sick, I meant like I've been really dizzy for some reason," I add so he doesn't worry as much.

"Oh, maybe it's dehydration or something, and you left me alone with Maisie of all people! She almost killed me today! You should have been there to see it, she literally marched up to the booth and tried to..." he stops for a second and I turn my head over to see why he had stopped.

"I'm sorry, If you're not feeling good I probably shouldn't bother you like this. I'll get going then," Finley tries to excuse himself but I grab hold of his wrist.

"No, it's alright. I don't mind," I give a small tug and he rolls his eyes.

"Fine, but if you get annoyed with me you can just tell me to get out," He reminds me and lays down on his side, facing me.

"Tell me about your day? Have you been stuck in here this whole time?" He asks and I turn my head to face him.

"Pretty much. Watched Netflix, got sick a few times, fun stuff. What about practice? How's your new boyfriend?" I ask him just out of curiosity.

Finley does a strange mixture between a laugh and a groan while gently rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"Noell is not my boyfriend. Yes, we fucked around. But it was just a one night type of thing, you know?" He explains with a small smirk.

"Besides, I think he had someone else in mind," He adds.

"Good for him, he deserves it," I sigh. Everyone deserves love, and I hope he's happy. With a loud smack, I cry out in pain.

"Ow, what the fuck was that for?" I ask as I hold my chest.

"I dunno, you got depressed all of the sudden and I didn't like it. Are you sure you don't like Noell? And what was that?" He asks for the billionth time and looks at his hand like he touches something weird.

"Well first off, you smacked me in the binder. It's bad enough I can't breathe man," I laugh and but he gives me a confused look.

"What's a binder? Like for school?" He asks, scratching the back of his head.

"No, it's like a tank top that keeps my chest flat like yours," I explain and try to smack him back only for my hand to bounce back in sharp pain. The palm of my hand felt like it was on fire from slapping what felt like a brick wall.

"Bloody hell man! Is you're chest made of steel or something?" I ask and he laughs so hard he snorts.

"No, I just do a lot of working out," he says through his sighs of laughter. I sit up and look at my hand to check if there was anything broken. At this point my phone starts to ring out like a car alarm before I hunt for it to turn it off.

"Is it time for you to wake up or something?" He asks as I get up and go to my bedside table.

"Yes Finley, because I wake up at 4 in the afternoon," I say, bending down to grab the shoebox underneath the table.

"Hey, you never know," he shrugs and I take the box to my bed.

"No, It's just time for me to take my meds is all," I sigh as I prepare the needle, inserting it into the testosterone and pulling the plunger.

"Oh, do you have diabetes or something?" He asks and I grab the alcohol swab.

"No, it's hormones and if you're not okay with needles you need to turn around. I don't need you fainting in my bed and my friends barging in," I warn and he rolls his eyes.

"I'm good, I have a lot of doctors in my family so this is nothing new," He says and I take my shirt off out of habit, forgetting about the fact I was now showing the binder because I couldn't afford top surgery.

"Oh! So that's what you were talking about," He says as he sits up and almost examines me in a sense. I ignore him in order to concentrate on injecting my hip, pulling out and covering the bleed with a small band-aid.

Throwing away the sharp in a small plastic container in the corner of the room, I grab my shirt off the floor and look up to see him still staring. Suddenly feeling self conscious, I take a pillow and throw it at him. Smacking him in the face.

"Hey, stop looking at me like I'm some freak," I narrow my eye but he just blinks a few times and stands.

"Sorry, I was just admiring you," He says as I tug my shirt back on.

"Admiring me? For what?" I ask and he comes closer.

"That binder thing looks extremely uncomfortable, you have to inject yourself with hormones, and who knows what else you have to deal with. I feel privileged to just be born with this stuff while you have to work hard for it. I feel like it shouldn't be this way. You shouldn't have to work hard for things that should have been given to you," He says and I get defensive.

"Are you saying that because I wasn't born with these things, I'm not a real man?" I ask but he quickly shakes his head, eliminating the thought.

"No Kaeden, I'm saying you're one of the strongest men I've ever met," He says with an honesty in his voice.

"Oh," He takes another step closer, but I take two steps back. There's a hurt look in his eyes as I do this but he doesn't understand. He'll never understand.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything," He quickly apologizes but I was the one being a fool, stopping in my tracks.

"No, no it's not you. Sorry. I just...I dunno," I sigh and plop back down on the bed, my hip still a little sore from the muscle injection.

"Kaeden," he says my name as he stands over me with his arms crossed.

"What," His gaze meets mine and for a second I felt my heart skip just two beats.

"I think we..." His phone starts to vibrate and he pulls it out of his pocket, his face seems to drop as he sees who it is and ignores the call.

"Shit, I have to go...I'll see you later Kae. Hope you feel better!" he calls as he runs out the door, and my heart goes with him.

I fall back onto the bed with the stupid tears building up as they do nearly every night.

He could never want me, besides he deserves better.

They all do.