Chapter 9: Thoughts Of The Past

Soap POV

I lay silently in bed, staring at the roof, Already put Maddison to bed, and cleaned the house. I let out a loud sigh, closing my eyes, So why can't I sleep? I sit up, looking around my room. Even though I've cleaned up, it still seems messy and unorganized. I wasn't always like this, I didn't use to notice these things.

I stand, walking quietly over to my only window, Quiet, don't make too much noise. I peek out the broken blinds, I want to call the street quiet, but it's filled with nothing but loud cars and drunk people making their way home. The street is dark, but adjacent to my window is a yellow streetlight.

Since I've moved into my apartment, each night, it flickers, getting dimmer each day. Just under it is a worn bench, facing towards the park, it saddens me to look at it. Sometimes I wish it would just.. Disappear.

WHOOOOOO FLASHBACK TIMEEEE

I walk around the city, bright signs, yelling everywhere, party like. My friends are nowhere to be seen, I can find them later. I walk into a shop, not too loud, shop workers cleaning up. "Why'd they choose this street for a block party? Each bastard that walks in here, is either black out drunk or only wants to use the bathroom" A worker says.

I walk up to the counter, leaning over it, examining the worker. Short woman, long dark hair, and what looks to be a guns and roses tattoo they're trying to hide with a turtleneck. "Which am I?" I ask, looking back to the worker with a smile. They smirk, looking me over.

"A drunkard, but I might be confusing it with your.." Their eyes look me up and down "Scottish, counterparts" They say. I chuckle at their comment, "You seem fun, when do you get off?" I ask. The dark haired woman looks to their co-worker, they shrug waving her off, "Now" She says, with a devilish smile.

What happened that night would've been unforgettable, unfortunately she was right, I was drunk. A night filled with whiskey filled kisses, and words that neither of us meant. I didn't see her after that night, and nor should I had, it was one time at a party, and I was intoxicated looking for my friends.

I had a steady job, great friends, and the freedom to do whatever my eyes led me to. Until the call, the one call that changed things, not only for me but everything around me. So I dropped everything, got married, and made the plan to raise our child. No, our Maddison.

Getting to know her while she was pregnant was... A challenge, she was harsh, but I stayed by her. Things were great! Except for the yelling, cursing, and throwing things. But it's fine, I just needed to not slam doors closed, or walk around too loud, or say things that didn't make sense!

I've worked on myself, so I could be a better dad to my daughter. Along with working on my  noise levels, she's also brought up things that my friends do. Going out every night to just get drunk, that's not something a dad would do, it's true that I miss hanging out with them, but anything to be a better father.

One day, after Lydia and I came back from taking baby Maddison to the park, and I think we all were all in much need of a nap. Maddison was only a couple months old, so I would carry the baby bag while Lydia would carry the carrier. "So who I just met was... Who again?" I ask, following her into the baby room.

I place the bag down, "Other moms I met at the store, honestly I don't even know their names" Lydia says, stretching. "It'd be nice to have other parent friends, no?" I say, she rolls her eyes, placing her hands at her sides. Maddison starts to wake up from her nap, starting to babble.

Lydia lets out a groan, "Back on the clock" she says, she bends down picking up Maddison. As soon as she's in her arms, she starts to scream and cry, So much for a nap. "Oh no shhhh don't cry, please don't cry" Lydia says, trying to sooth Maddison. She just cries harder, I offer my hands, "Let me calm her" I suggest.

"It's fine I got this, she always cries when I hold her, maybe I can get her to get use to it" Lydia says, starting to slowly sway. I put my arms at my sides, Well she said she had it. I watch as Lydia starts to plead, begging Maddison to just consider the thought of stopping. After two minutes of our ears being destroyed I walk over, "Ok maybe we can try this getting use to you thing after her nap, hand her over" I say.

Lydia steps back, "No I can do this" She says, "You've been trying for a minute now, let me do it and I can show you how" I offer. "I know how to be a mom and I don't need your help" Lydia says. She turns away from me, the way she said it was... Strange, as if she was trying to convince herself that she was indeed, a good mom and not just some hopeless woman who got stuck with a baby.

I step back in shock, Maddison slowly starts to calm down, Lydia starts to kiss her face, smiling. "Right, sorry" I say quietly, exiting the room, I didn't pay her weird words any mind. Time would pass, and a few days after Maddison's 2nd birthday, I started to notice things, weird things. Being in a relationship, we can talk through things, she would often tell me things that she didn't like, so I could try for a change.

"Hey Lydia?" I say, walking into the house behind her. She walks into the kitchen, making herself a glass of water, "Yeah?" she responds. I look around, Maddison runs into the next room. "I just wanted to talk, cause I've been noticing some things and I don't know if it's just me overreacting or it's something I should worry about" I say.

She stops, turning to me, "What did you notice?" She asks, her tone shifts a bit. Almost as if she's expecting a  certain answer from me, "You know Ben? Best man at our wedding, Ben?" I say. She takes a sip of her drink, turning around, "I know of him, yeah" She replies.

"I didn't know you guys liked each other, but I kinda started to notice you guys are going out together? What's that about?" I ask. She's quiet for a few seconds, turning towards me, setting her glass on the counter. "I can't grow to like your friends, Johnny?" She says with a smile.

I walk over, leaning down on the opposite side of the counter, "But just the two of you?" I ask. She furrows her brow, "What are you saying right now?" Lydia says, her tone slightly annoyed. "It seems like the two of you-" She quickly turns around letting out a loud groan.

"Here we fucking go, you're always breathing down my neck" Lydia says. I stand, "It's not breathing down your neck, I'm just concerned that my wife might be messing around with my best friend" I say out. The room is quiet, I get an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach.

"Lydia I'm sorry for thinking that, it's just-" just as I'm finishing, she digs into the kitchen drawer. "You think I'm sleeping with with Ben? What kind of husband thinks like that?" Lydia says. I make my way to her side of the counter, "No no I'm not saying you are, it's just I've been noticing some things and I think we should-".

Lydia quickly turns, hitting me in the head with the rolling-pin, I quickly fall to the floor. "ARGH FUCK" I yell out, I put my hand on my head, the vibrations of pain flowing through my body. I start to feel a liquid on my fingers, I look to my hand, Blood...

I groan in pain, flipping myself on my back, I try to widen my eyes, my vision blurring in and out. "Ly...L..." I struggle to say, Lydia drops the rolling pin, and swoops down, putting my head in her lap. "Nononono I'm sorry baby, Johnny? Can you hear me? Y-y-you backed me into a corner and and-" Lydia says.

Her voice starts to break down, I feel wet drops fall on my face, "I-it.. argh" I can't think properly. I feel her lightly pat my face "Johnny stay awake, hello? 911? My husband is bleeding and needs help please send help" Lydia pleads on the phone.

I move my eyes to her's, the look on her face is stagnant, What is happening to me? She looks down at me, "Ok thank you" She hangs up the phone. She looks down at me on her lap, putting both of her hands on my face, leaning down towards me.

"Johnny.. I'm going to tell you this once, and only once.. You're going to drop this.. Stupid little delusional episode you're having of me cheating. It's. not. real." She stands allowing my head to drop on the  floor, I let out a quiet grunt. "Maddison! Time to go to grandmas!" Lydia says in a caring tone.

After that all there was was flashing lights, and a fast trip to the ER. Months went by quickly after the.. Incident, but it's fine, we stayed together. I mean we had a kid after all, so I stayed, after everything I stayed. The next months, she didn't even try to hide that she was having an affair. She would often get angry, but this behavior was new, she was... Violent.

It's hard to put on a happy face in public, when your wife is flirting with another man in front of you. I would try to leave, but she would always cry and beg me to stay. Saying "Please don't do this, I'm not like this, this isn't me, I don't mean to hit you, I'm sorry Johnny" Lydia screams.

I pack a duffel bag, trying not to cry from my busted lip, the pain pulsating into my head. I stay quiet continuing to pack my bag, she pulls on my arm, making me face her. "John you can't leave me, what would your mother think?" She says frantically. I point to her, "My mother is a saint, and she would've kicked my fathers ass for even thinking the thought, I'm leaving" I take my bag and walk out of the room.

"What about Maddison?" Lydia says, I stop, Maddison... I can't leave her. "I-I mean you're not going to leaves me.. *cough* her.. Leave her, are you?" Lydia says. I focus my vision on the floor, Lydia comes up behind me, starting to rub my shoulders. "Think of her.. Think of being here, being a dad, being happy with me- Us" Lydia corrects herself.

Being happy... I drop the bag, turning into Lydia's arms. Her fingers scratches the back of my head, I wrap my arms around her, lying my head into her shoulder. "I take this as you're staying?" Lydia asks, I stay quiet. She lets out a quiet chuckle, kissing my ear, "I knew you'd make the right decision".

I was... Young... And stupid, I stayed in that terrible situation for so long. Her words were just so... Addicting, that I didn't see what I was going through. I didn't see that the love she had for me was so... Conditional.. "If you loved me you would do this, if you loved me you would look the other way, if you love me you would stop talking to them, if you loved me you would only have me."

FLASHBACK OVER :]

I jolt my head up, my body sweating, I'm still leaning down on the windowsill. The streetlight turns off as the sun comes up, I stand walking into my bathroom. I splash water in my face, If you loved me, then why did you put me though that? I look at myself in the mirror, "Calm down, Johnny.. You're not in that house anymore, you can relax" I say to myself.

I hate looking at my face, how does anyone stand me? My voice is annoying and everything I do is useless. What am I doing this for? I walk into the living room, everything looks in order. I sit down in front of my bookcase, taking everything out and setting on the floor. You're not there, you can relax, I sit on the floor next to the pile, starting to sort through the items.

I hear a door close, I flinch, keeping my head continuing to sort. Just focus on your work and she won't be mad, Maddison walks to the side of me, holding a bunny stuffie that I'd given her for her 3rd birthday. She looks at me sorting, "What are you doing daddy?" Maddison asks, "Cleaning" I say.

She sits in front of me, amongst the pile of items, watching me work through it. I look up to her, "You hungry?" I ask, she shakes her head. I look back down to the pile, You're not in that house anymore.. I look back up to her. "Ok, but in an hour, I'm going to start making breakfast, deal?" I ask, holding out my hand for a shake. She holds out the arm of her stuffie, making me shake it's hand, giving me a smile.

I smile back at her, and what I assume to be her business partner, Mr. Apples. She sets him down, walking over to her bucket of things, pulling out an coloring book and a set of crayons. She places them down on the couch, starting her artistic journey. I look back down to the pile, Make your way through the pile and she won't have a reason to be mad at you.

I pick up a toy soldier, looking it over, Simon...

{I'm trying to watch season 4 of YOU, but it's not making a lot of sense. I'll try to finish it, but it's so boring. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Remember to vote to let me know you're enjoying the story!}