51. Lips

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

I wait for Anthony to get out of the shower.

Anthony decided to let me sleep over. I smell like smoke and booze and I wouldn't want my dad to freak out. Dad was cool with me sleeping here so that's great.

Anthony and I left the club early and took a cab home.

Anthony insisted on sleeping on the floor because 'I'm the guest'. His bed smells sweet like him. It makes me feel all warm inside. I really think Anthony is a great friend. Possibly the best friend I've ever had. He listens to me and he cares about me. And he's, like, super talented and that inspires me to work hard too. I wonder what Anthony likes about me. I'm like the total opposite of him.

The bathroom door swings open and Anthony steps into the room. I chuckle when I see his golden silk PJ's.

"I don't know why I expected you to wear anything other than this. You even sleep in style."

"Honey, I am style."

I laugh again.

He smiles at me and I realize he's not wearing makeup. It's not like his makeup is usually so over the top but he definitely looks more natural now.

"You look good without makeup." I say without thinking. It's only after I've said it that I realize how it sounds.

Anthony smiles and then he looks away kind of awkwardly.

"I mean, you know, you look different. And it suits you. You know, not that I'm like.. trying to.. You know.." I'm such a tool.

I rub my hands over my face.

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's cool."

I look up from my hands and notice Anthony is blushing.

We hear a knock on the door.

"Come in." Anthony says.

Would you look at that? Someone who knows how to knock. My family can't relate.

The door swings open and in comes a woman with caramel blonde hair and brown eyes.

"Mom, I didn't even hear you come in." Anthony says.

"I didn't even hear you tell me about your sleepover." Anthony's mom eyes me with excitement.

"H-hi." I say awkwardly.

"Mom, this is my friend Chase. Chase, my mom." Anthony says.

"This is Chase?" Ant's mom smiles, her eyes gleaming.

"Yep." Anthony answers awkwardly.

I get up. "It's nice to meet you, miss Desusa." I say politely.

"Oh my gosh, call me Pam!" She inches forward and pulls me into a hug. I'm kind of surprised. I laugh nervously and wrap my arms around her.

She pulls away and holds me by my shoulders.

"You seem like such a good kid. And you're so handsome! Or.. what's the word these days.. poppin?"

"MOM, PLEASE!" Anthony shrieks.

"What? We're bonding!"

"No, you're scarring him! Please just go! Tell dad not to come in, okay?"

She sighs and lets go of me.

"Alright, I'll go." She sighs. She seems genuinely sad that she has to leave.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Mom..."

"Be safe."

"MOM!"

She closes the door with an evil snicker.

Anthony curls up in a ball of shame.

"Wow... I thought my parents were bad." I laugh.

"Please just drop it."

"I've never seen you this embarrassed. It's kind of interesting, actually." I laugh.

He shakes his head while sitting down on the mattress on the floor.

"You seriously don't have to do that. This is your bed!"

"And you're my guest!"

I sigh and crawl under the covers.

I don't think either of us has the intention to sleep anytime soon so Anthony keeps the nightlight on.

I lean on the edge of the bed to be closer to him.

"So.. how did you like the club?" Anthony asks.

"It was.. a lot." I chuckle. "I felt like I totally didn't belong there."

"I could tell."

"Was it that obvious?"

"Yep." Anthony laughs.

We're both quiet for a while. Anthony turns away from me.

"What did you think of me? On stage?" He asks.

I see Anthony on stage in my mind again. Taking over the entire club with his energy and stage presence.

"I thought you were amazing." I say in awe.

"I didn't expect you to say that." His voice is softer than usual. He sounds happy, though.

"I guess there really isn't anything you can't do."

"Well.. there is something."

"Like what?"

"I'm.. well, I'm not too good with feelings. I like feeling strong and in control. I don't like extreme emotions to rule me. I always push them away and ignore them and in the end.. Nothing ever happens."

He turns around and faces me again.

"I was into this guy a few years ago. I was really into him but I didn't tell him. I pretended not to care about him to keep my composure. He moved away and I never saw him again. And you know what my friend told me? He had a crush on me and he was convinced I hated his guts."

I can't help but laugh at that.

"That's not funny!"

"I kind of understand him. You are super intimidating."

"What? I'm totally approachable."

I snort. "Yeah, you totally looked approachable on stage tonight."

"Well, that's different!"

"It's not."

Ant groans into his pillow.

"Well, in your defense, it's probably better to be too closed off than to be too open. Everyone always says I wear my heart on my sleeve and... that results to a lot of heartbreak."

"Well, I think it's brave. I wish I was like that." Anthony smiles at me.

I feel weak in the knees. Thank God I'm laying down.

I smile and hide my head in the pillow.

You know, at school he always looks super fierce. It's when he smiles that you finally see his soft side. It's beautiful.

Anthony turns off the lights.

"What are you so afraid of?" I muse.

"Rejection."

"No one would ever reject you."

"Have you seen me at school? I'm not exactly Mr. popular."

"Yeah but any gay guy would date you in a heartbeat." I say truthfully.

"Would you?" The words fly out of Anthony's mouth and pierce my skin.

I feel butterflies in my stomach and I wonder if he's serious.

I lift my head up and look down at the mattress.

The streetlights shine in through the open curtain.

I lock eyes with Anthony, feeling weird and stupid for even considering that he might be serious.

"Are you kidding?" I ask breathlessly while my heart bangs inside my chest.

He looks away. "Yeah. Duh." He chuckles.

"Oh." I turn away. "Okay."

I clutch my knees to my chest and squeeze my eyes closed.

I'm so dumb. Of course he was kidding! Why would he want to date me? There's nothing to like about me. I'm just a whiny, annoying, depressed kid.

I hadn't realized before.

But I wanted him to say he was serious.

× × ×

The next morning I'm brushing my teeth in Ant's bathroom. He's not awake yet. I wonder if I should sneak out. Last night was really awkward. He probably thinks I'm crazy.

The door squeaks open and Anthony comes in. I shoot him a quick glance in the mirror before looking away again.

"We should probably study together. Since we have a test coming up." Anthony starts brushing his teeth next to me with his pink toothbrush.

I honestly would rather go home. But that would only make it more awkward.

"Okay." I say, trying to sound casual.

After brushing my teeth I go back into Ant's bedroom and sit on the bed.

Ant walks into the room with a bunch of products in his hands.

"You're gonna use all that on your face?" There are like ten different bottles in his hands.

"On yours too. I'm teaching you about skincare."

"Oh, not this again." Been through this with Loren. It didn't work.

"It's important. You want to stay young, don't you?"

"Right now, I think I'd rather die actually." I mumble.

"Oh, come on." Anthony joins me on the bed.

"Step one: cleanser. I usually do just a micellar in the morning and a two-step at night—"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You'll get it eventually."

While Anthony rubs product after product on my skin, I find myself admiring his. His skin is a warm color and he has no imperfections.

I look into his eyes. They look light brown right now because of the sun.

His eyes meet mine for a moment. We both avert our gaze quickly.

What's the matter with me? I can't help but be nervous around him lately.

Especially now that he's sitting so close.

"I like your eyes." The words leave my mouth before I've thought them through.

"Why? They're just brown. Black even. So boring."

"They look all dark normally and in the sun they look golden. It's like a secret or something. You'd only know if you paid attention. Definitely not boring." I say quietly.

Anthony is full blown blushing now and avoiding my eyes.

It's only now that I realize that I sound SO WEIRD. AND CREEPY.

WHY AM I LIKE THIS?

"Thanks." He says quietly. "No one's said that before." He smiles at me.

My heart beats faster. I glance at him when he looks away to grab whatever product is next.

I look at his lips. They look soft. He obviously takes care of them.

"Lips." He says suddenly.

"What?!" Did he catch me staring?!

He looks kind of confused and surprised. "Um.. The next step? Lip-care?"

"Oh." I'm insane.

Anthony opens a small container. It reveals a thick glossy kind of gel. He dips his finger in it and rubs it onto my lips.

I look from his fingers to his eyes.

I don't think I've ever wanted to kiss someone this bad. In a long time anyway.

"Well, don't lick your lips!" Anthony laughs.

Was I doing that?

"Sorry."

Anthony doesn't pick up another product. He just stares at the sheets.

"I wasn't kidding." He says suddenly.

"Huh?"

"I wasn't kidding yesterday." He doesn't look at me when he says this.

"Oh." I answer stupidly.

His eyes lock with mine. For the first time since I've met him, Anthony looks unsure.

And before I know it I've pressed my lips to his.