50. Don't be a drag, just be a Queen

Chase.

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"Why! Did you have to invite Oscar?! Really?!" I complain.

"Oscar is awesome, what's your problem?"

"He's too much! And he keeps—" I stop myself from saying something embarrassing.

"He keeps what?"

He keeps stealing you away from me, that's what.

"He's just annoying."

"You thought I was annoying and look at us now."

"Well, you basically bribed me. With pizza."

Anthony chuckles. The doorbell rings.

"Please get it."

"Ugh!" I groan.

I drag my feet to the door. I can already see Oscar's neon hair from the window.

I open the door and fake a smile.

"Hi Girlfriend!" Oscar smiles.

"Hey—"  Oscar wraps his arms around me and hugs me, wiggling us side to side.

"Is that guy still not done?" Oscar pulls away. "Antonio Desusa get your pristine butt down here!" He yells up the stairs.

How does he know he has a pristine butt? I'm so annoyed.

A while later Anthony comes down the stairs wearing the most obnoxious, bright pink glitter heels I've ever seen.

"Oh my God."

"Eeeek!" Oscar squeals. "You look so good, babe." He kisses Anthony's cheek.

I suppress the urge to pull them apart.

"What do you think?" Anthony asks. An amused smile covering his face.

"Um.. a bit much, maybe?" Not that I'd know. Anthony still hasn't told me where we're going.

"Oh, don't be a drag!" Oscar slaps my arm. Then his eyes meet with Anthony's and they start smiling at each other.

"Just be queen. Whether you're broke—"

"Or evergreen." Before I know it they're rapping a Lady Gaga song.

They're so in tune with each other. I feel kind of left out.

They keep singing while we walk over to the car.

I'm just happy I don't have to ride Anthony's death cycle right now.

All the way to wherever we're going Oscar is blasting Lady Gaga, Nicki Minaj and Britney Spears songs.

They're sitting at the front, holding hands, screaming the words to songs I don't know and I can't help but wonder what I'm doing here.

We make it to the mystery location and as I step out, I notice it's a club. But not just any club.. a gay club.

"Look at his face!" Oscar giggles.

"You're taking me to a gay club?" I say breathlessly.

"Yes! You'll finally get to experience a full submergence into the gay life."

"Well, maybe I don't want to be submerged. Maybe I'm fine the way I am."

"Girls, I've gotta go get ready. See you on stage!" Oscar kisses Anthony's and my cheek.

I shiver.

"You are just so stuck in your ways, it's time for you to experience something new. This'll be good for you!" Anthony says.

I stare into the club. There's smoke coming from inside.

"I don't know."

"Take a chance, remember?" Anthony grabs my hand and leads me inside. It's super hot in here.

If you thought Anthony's outfits were obnoxious, you haven't seen this place. There are lights coming from every direction, smoke clouding up the floor, stripper poles, a huge neon stage and not to mention, everyone is dressed in bright colored outfits. There's music blasting from every direction.

I feel so out of place.

"It's cool, right? It's so lively in here!" Anthony beams.

"Uh, yeah." I lie.

"I'll go get us some drinks." Anthony yells into my ear.

Before I get the chance to object he's out of the way.

I shouldn't drink. You know, they say there are people who are more prone to addiction. I think I'm one of them. First I got addicted to Sky and then the whole thing with drinking and drugs. I just don't think I can handle it.

I look to the dance floor and see a bunch of people making out and grinding on each other. Not just any people. Girls and girls and boys and boys. It's kind of shocking to see something like that so publicly. I wonder if I could ever be like that. 'Out and proud'. I think I'm always too conscious of what people would say.

"Here," Anthony says from behind me. I turn around and he pushes a neon blue drink into my hands.

"What is this? And how did you even get it?"

"It's a magic potion and.. I'm friends with the bartender." He winks.

I feel a tingle in my stomach. Just from a stupid, innocent wink.

"Come on, drink up. Oscar is about to go on!"

Anthony follows the mass of people walking towards the stage. I take this moment to put my drink on a random table before following him.

An electric guitar bursts from the speakers and the lights on the stage go bright red.

We hear a drum and a deep voice.

"And now... give it up for... Baby Glitter!"

Everyone starts to cheer. I look at Anthony and he seems very excited.

A drag queen enters the stage. She's wearing sky high boot-platforms, a glittery dress and her hair is super big.

I guess Oscar is coming after this person.

Baby Glitter raises a rock sign into the air and one of the songs we listened to in the car starts playing. It's then that I notice it's Oscar!

"Wait! That's..!"

Anthony smiles at me.

Oscar playbacks to the song and dances along to it. He's really performing his heart out. I could never be on stage like that. I'm kind of impressed.

Soon two back up dancers join his act and they do a synchronized dance routine.

After the song we applaud loudly and they leave the stage. The host announces another act.

"That was so cool!" I say to Anthony.

"See? I knew you would like it. Now, please excuse me. I have to get ready." He smirks.

"You're going up there?"

"Who knows?" He says mysteriously as he disappears into the crowd of people.

I wonder if Ant's gonna do drag too. I'm sure he'd be great at it. Anthony can really do anything.

After another spectacular drag performance Anthony enters the stage. He's not wearing drag. He's just wearing a more over the top version of what he always wears, including those backbreaking shoes.

I cheer him on excitedly.

He lip-syncs to 'Fashion Of His Love' by Lady Gaga and his performance skills are amazing. He's constantly making eye contact with the crowd while dancing and he seems to really feel the song.

He's at the bridge now.

"They say I need a strong man, not just a friend. But baby my search is done." He lip-syncs, making eye contact with me.

I can't help but blush..

After the performance and a loud, standing ovation I go to the bar.

I'm super thirsty.

"Can I have some water?" I ask the bartender.

"Water? On a night like this?"

"I don't drink.." I explain awkwardly.

"Smart cookie." He nods while pouring a bottle of water into a glass.

"Thanks." I take a sip.

He grants me a smile and goes to help another customer on the other side of the bar.

"Hi there." A man with a mullet and a thick beard approaches me.

"H-hi." I say awkwardly. I've never spoken to anyone at a club like this. And this guy looks kind of intimidating.

"Why are you sitting here all alone?" He smirks.

"I'm waiting for a friend." I chuckle nervously.

"You shouldn't spend your time waiting. Why don't I buy you a drink?" He grins.

Oh.

"I'm good." I say quietly. I start to feel sick.

"You sure?" He reaches out to touch my shoulder. I slap his hand away.

A few people look at me weird.

"Dude, what's your deal?" The guy looks so confused. He probably doesn't even have any bad intentions. He probably thinks I'm twenty one since I'm here. None of this is his fault.

My heart beats really fast. I turn around and run out of the club.

What was I thinking coming here? All night I've noticed how different I am from everyone here. I don't belong here. And maybe I don't belong with Anthony either. Maybe we're too different.

I sit on the side walk and put my head in my hands.

My hands are shaking and I can't seem to steady my breath.

Calm down, calm down. I tell myself.

I see Kev's face in my mind again. He smiles at me. And then I'm back on his couch and he..

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I squeeze my eyes closed.

It's all your fault. Stop crying.

Shut up!

I feel a pain in my chest. I felt it every time Sky turned me down. Every time I felt alone. Every time before I cut.

I look at my wrist. I'd rather think of anything else. I don't want to cry and I want my mind to go back to normal! My finger traces a scar under my sleeve.

"There you are!" I hear Anthony's voice from behind me.

Oh no. Not now. Please go away!

"Chase?" Anthony grabs my shoulder.

I turn away.

"What's wrong?" He asks quietly, worry coloring his tone.

Why is it that every time someone asks you that it's impossible to hold back the tears?

A tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe it away in shame.

"What happened?" He asks again.

I try to steady my breath, my voice. If I talk now it'll come out all muffled.

Anthony joins me on the sidewalk.

What happened? Kev happened. The second I think about him a new wave of tears stream down my face. Why can't I just get over it?

Anthony taps my shoulder.

When I look his way I see he's holding out a pink tissue.

A chuckle escapes my mouth.

"Why is it pink?" I take the tissue, wipe my eyes and blow my nose.

"Why not?" He says.

Such an Anthony answer.

I look out at the cars passing by.

"Let's go somewhere quiet." Anthony says as he rises to his feet.

× × ×

We're on a quiet parking lot near a highway. It's only us here.

"Now my pants are all dirty. Who sits on a sidewalk anyway?"

"Well, you did." I say.

"Because you mean more to me than limited edition Calvin Klein jeans."

"Thanks." I answer.

"No problem."

I chuckle.

I look at the cars racing by.

"Ant?"

"...Wait is that my nickname now..?"

"No one has ever called you that?" I ask.

"They call me Tony. You know, mostly cause they don't wanna refer to someone they love as an insect and all."

I chuckle at that.

"Good. Then I'm the only one that calls you Ant." I say happily.

Anthony sighs. "That's so not glamorous."

I start to chuckle as I think of something.

"What?" Anthony smiles.

"I was just thinking.. Of you as an ant. Can you imagine a teeny tiny ant with glittery heels and neon clothes?" I chuckle.

Anthony starts to laugh. "That's kind of funny."

"Imagine looking at you from outer space. They can't miss you."

I doubt you'd be able to see me from outer space, though. I look so average.

I look down at my sleeve. And for the first time in a long time I really want to tell someone about the sad things about me. The things I usually don't talk about.

"I need to tell you something."

"I'm listening." He sounds serious yet gentle.

I pull up my sleeve and show him my arm full of scars.

He doesn't look surprised. Maybe he heard the rumors at school.

"I.. I guess I have some issues." Duh. Why can't I talk like a normal person?! Come on!

"What I mean is.. I've been.. pretty depressed. It seems like every time something good happens in my life, something bad happens right after. And I guess I just don't handle it very well. I tried to take my life freshman year and this year I accidentally overdosed on some pills... It's just a fucking mess and.. You know, I get panic attacks and I keep overthinking about stupid things and then I get nervous and I rant and.." I look over at Anthony.

"Did any of that make sense to you?"

Anthony grabs my hand and grants me a warm smile.

I'm kind of surprised. I thought he might freak out like everyone at school.

"Do you think I'm weird?"

"I don't judge people, Chase. I'm just glad you're here now."