32. 14.

Chase.

✙ ☠ ✙

It's a very sunny day today. I'm lying in bed staring outside through the window. I'm supposed to tell everyone about me and Sky today. I'm really nervous. I feel like Loren will definitely hate me after that. I don't even understand why I did it! I mean, yes I liked him. Yes, he looks like a god. But at the same time he was my sister's boyfriend! I was fourteen but I wasn't stupid. I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway. And Sky.. I understand how he could do it. I finally understand how it meant nothing to him. He just had no connection to sex. It had no meaning to him because of what happened to him. And somehow that makes it better. To know that it wasn't my fault. I hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't my under-performing.. At that time he was just trying to survive. He wasn't really living. I hate how all this shit had to happen for me to be able to understand that.

I just never would've guessed. I never would've guessed that Sky had been sexually abused. He always seemed so sexually liberated. He always seemed so careless and free. It's funny how you never know what someone's going through from the outside. "You wouldn't want to be me.." He'd said. Now it all makes sense.

How am I going to tell them after yesterday?

I hear a knock on my door.

"Come in!"

The door creaks open.

"Chase?" It's Loren.

I turn to her.

She joins me on the bed.

"I feel really bad for getting so mad at you during Rose's christening. I didn't know.. about you. About what happened but still I should've tried harder.." Her eyes are puffy. She's been crying all night. "I know I haven't been a great sister to you.."

I hug her. "Loren.." That's not her fault. I haven't been a good brother either.

"I'm gonna do better, I promise. Everything's gonna get better." She pulls away and grants me a smile.

I'm at a loss for words.

I'm just about to make everything worse.

She kisses my cheek and leaves the room. Guilt eats away at me.

× × ×

I'm sitting on the couch next to the window in the living room, watching out for Sky's car anxiously. He said he'd come in the morning. It's nine A.M. I tap my foot. Dad's in the kitchen cooking breakfast and Loren's upstairs taking a shower.

"I'm going grocery shopping." My mom says quietly, not making eye contact with anyone as she leaves the house.

It's like a punch in the gut how she doesn't respond to anything anymore. She's so cold and distant now. Dad's always watching me. Loren's smiling like everything's okay.

My family's falling apart and it's my fault.

And I'm about to make it worse.

I grab my phone.

Chase: i dont think i should tell them

Chase: i mean i dont want to tell them

Chase: lets not tell then

Chase: them*

I anxiously wait for Sky to reply. I've been so stressed lately. I've been craving weed like crazy. But my dad's always monitoring me and I'm not allowed to go to school yet. What's also strange is that I got my clothes back from the hospital and the bag of pills I remember buying from Alex is gone now. I wonder who took it.

"Chase, everything okay?"

"Fine, dad."

I stare at my phone again.

Sky: we'll do whatever feels right for you

Sky: ill be there soon.

I sigh of relief.

"Who are you texting?" Dad asks.

"No one." I say defensively.

"You're constantly staring down at that thing. Tell me who you're texting." His tone becomes angrier.

What the hell is his problem?

"It's him isn't it? That Kev? Give me your phone." His voice is shaking with anger.

"Dad!" I protest.

He rips it out of my hand and reads the texts on the screen. He frowns.

"What's this about?" Dad holds my phone up.

"Why are you reading my private conversations?!" I snap.

"Because I'm your father! Now answer the question!" He screams so loud it hurts.

I look away. "It.. We were just..we were talking about.."  There's nothing that would explain the secrecy. There's no lies left to tell.

I stare out the window.

"Chase, I've had is up to here with your lying. Tell me the truth." His voice is low and threatening.

I cover my face and try to keep myself from crying. My hands are shaking.

"What's going on?" He asks.

I shake my head. "Please just let it go."

"Enough with the secrets! Tell me now!" Dad demands.

I try to collect myself to say this. I sniff and wipe away my tears.

I look up at dad. "You have to promise not to get mad."

Now he looks offended as if he never gets mad.

"Of course I won't get mad. I just want to understand." He looks so exhausted and hopeless. Like he's about to fall apart. I'm sure this will be the final blow.

"I had.. I had sex with Sky." I say quietly.

My dad just stands there. Frozen.

I look up at him.

"I swear, that guy never learns. How could he do this to Aron? And with Loren.." He looks so puzzled.

More tears rush down my face.

"You don't understand, dad. It was before.. When he was with.. with Loren."

He's even more confused. "With Loren.. but that was.." He looks into my eyes.

"You mean when she was pregnant, right? They weren't together—"

"Before." I sob.

"YOU MEAN WHEN YOU WERE FOURTEEN?!" He screams. He's absolutely furious now.

I flinch and look out the window.

"You said you wouldn't get mad!" I wipe my tears.

"Answer me, Chase!" He roars.

I nod. "Yeah."

"Oh my God."

I turn to face him.

He covers his mouth. "I let that guy into my house.." He mutters to himself.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"That's rape, Chase! He raped you!" He screams.

Loren comes down the stairs. "What's going on?" She looks so worried.

We both go quiet. Loren. She'll hate me. She'll hate me now.

"Tell me!" She demands.

"Sky.. is not who we thought he was. He raped Chase when he was fourteen." Steven says, shaking his head like he doesn't want to believe it.

Loren's eyes fill with tears and confusion.

"Dad! It wasn't like that!" I say.

I look at Loren. "I'm really sorry.. I shouldn't have done that.."

"No.." She covers her face.

"He didn't force me to do anything!" I scream at dad.

"That doesn't matter! You were only fourteen! You were a fucking kid! How could he do this!"

Why don't they understand that it wasn't like that? He never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to. And if I had told him to stop he would've! But I didn't want him to. I wanted everything that happened that night to happen! Why can't they see that? Why is the only thing they see my age?

I look out the window. I watch Sky's car pull up on the pavement. My dad sees it too. He looks so angry. He's bright red. I'm scared.

"Dad!" I cry.

"Stay inside." Dad orders.

"Please don't do this!" I beg him.

"I said: stay inside."

Sky.

✙ ☠ ✙

I'm about to take the steps up to the front door when it swings open. Steven and Loren walk out.

"Hey!" I say.

They don't respond. It's only now that I see their facial expressions. They look furious.

Why do they seem so mad at me?

"I kept trying to figure it out." Steven says. "Why he was so attached to you. Why you guys were so close. I thought he just looked up to you or maybe had a little crush.. But that didn't explain you. Why you're always around. Why he tells you things he should be telling me. Now I finally know." His voice is low and his eyes filled with anger.

And as he says this, it clicks in my head.

"He told you."

I've never seen Steven mad, let alone mad at me. It's terrifying and heartbreaking. There are no other words for it: hate.

"You raped my son." He slowly walks forward. I take a step back.

"What?" His words cut into me like a knife. How could he think that?

"He was only fourteen. He was a child and you just took advantage of him."

"It wasn't.." My voice begins to shake. My body heats up with shame. My heart pounds out of my chest. "It wasn't like that.." I say quietly.

"It wasn't?!" He takes threatening step forward. I take another step back.

"I don't care what he told you. He was a child. He was barely even in high school! I let you into my house! I let you near my kids and that's my mistake. But the shit you have done.."

Loren's standing by the door. Arms crossed. Pain all over her face.

"First you break my daughter's heart. Then you get her pregnant. Now this." The way he's looking at me. It's like he's ready to punch me.

"Please just let me explain!"

"I don't want your explanations!" He lunges forward to hit me but Loren holds him back.

"Dad! Stop! Stop! Just go inside." She pulls him back.

He tries to compose himself. There is nothing but hate and fury in his eyes. "You're a monster." He says before going inside.

Loren follows. I grab her arm. "Loren, please!"

She jerks her arm away and stares at me. Her eyes look cold. "You're not welcome here anymore." With that, she turns around and walks into the house.

She slams the door in my face.

Chase watches me from the window near the door, his eyes filled with tears. He mouths 'I'm sorry.' just before his dad closes the curtain.