050

The bike stopped in front of a big house I was not familiar of. It had a huge gate made of wood and lined with black metal strips. Outside, the house looked humongous compared to its neighbors. It stood out as its white color beamed even brighter under the sun's rays, and a portion of the interior was visible with the huge glass pane that allowed natural light to illuminate the inside of the house.

"Come in", Tawan said as he opened the gate and entered with his bike.

I followed after, and had an even more detailed visual of the abode. Upon entering, there's a stoned path that will take you to the actual house. The entirety of the floor except the stoned path to the house was a garden, so beautiful it looked like it was meticulously being taken care of. There were different kinds of plants, both flowering and non-flowering that were planted on the wet, loam soil. As I walked towards the house, I developed a more detailed view of the interior of the house.

Though the wall I saw outside was white, the colors inside where a mixture of brown and green, a very earthy vibe emanating from the walls and fixtures inside. When Tawan opened the glass door that led to the actual house, I was greeted by the warm feeling that filled the whole area. The lights were closed, but the abundance of windows and open spaces were enough to properly light the whole place. A big wooden couch with green cushions is situated at the center of the living room, and the four corners were decorated with Chinese Evergreens that were already too big. The leaves had dried as well, so I thought that it was already a long time since they were watered. And walking through the place, I noticed how it was eerily quiet. It was a big house and felt warm because the sun could pass through easily, but if it were a walled house, it would look and feel haunted. In one of the wall mounts where picture frames were placed, I saw a photo of as a kid next to a man that looked the same as the man in the hospital, and a woman I was not familiar with. She looked beautiful though, and contrary to the cold and joyless face that the man wore, she smiled very widely and warm too, just like Tawan.

"Anything I could get for you? water, tea, milk?", Tawan said as he guided me to the couch.

"I'm fine. It looks empty though, are your parents not around?", I asked as I sat on the couch.

"Nah, they're gone most of the time because of work. The only time I get to see my dad is when he's summoned at school for something bad that I did. He was at the hospital, but after giving me an earful, he left already."

I couldn't trace a bit of bitterness or melancholy in his words. He spoke so calmly that I got the feeling he was already used to the set up where he basically lives alone in such a huge house. With the way he talked about it the day it rained on the rooftop, I already knew he was not in good terms with his dad. However, I didn't expect that they were that distant with each other.

"How about your stepmom then?"

"They're business partners, and usually wherever he goes, she goes with him. The one time she answered your call was the only time both of them were actually home."

He didn't ask me to stop asking questions, but I knew he didn't want to talk about it anymore. Remembering their argument at the hospital, I suddenly felt guilty of breaking up with him when he's at a state where what he needs the most is a companion.

We sat for a couple of minutes until Tawan stood up and reached his hand out to me.

"Come, I'll show you something."

I took his hand and we walked towards the staircase that led to the second floor of the house. As we took the stairs, I looked at the pictures that hung on the wall. They were pictures of Tawan as a kid, witch each stair representing a year in his life. His baby pictures were so adorable, all smiles and completely innocent.

"I didn't know you had a phase where you had long hair.", I said as I saw a picture of his grade school self with shoulder length hair.

He turned around and gave me a menacing look, but giggled right after.

"Stop looking at them, it's embarrassing."

I didn't listen but instead went on looking at the pictures. The first few frames were all his pictures where he smiled, but as we ascended, the smiles started turning into expressionless faces. The pictures of him during his teenage years were all cold and impassive, entirely different from when he was a kid. I recalled his story on losing his mom at an early age and how his relationship with his father was no good, and thought that he must have had a rough time growing up in a household without a mom and an estranged father.

We reached the second floor and he guided me to a room just a turn from the staircase. Tawan twisted the knob and the door opened, revealing a neatly arranged room. A huge bed caught my eye the moment the door opened. It was a shade of dark blue, and it was so big it could fit probably three average weighing people. The wall adjacent to the bed was painted blue as well, and it had no other ornament hanging in it. From the door, a glass door that led to a balcony could be seen.

I stepped in and saw a few more details of his room. It looked like a typical eighteen year old boy's room, not much to see and very simple yet cozy. Opposite to his bed was the wall were various pictures were clipped to a thread. There was a table that was placed on the corner of the room where his laptop and camera where placed. Other than that, the room was empty.

"Welcome to my room, you can sit on the mattress.", He said as he went to the glass door and opened it. The warm breeze from outside entered the room and the scent of the city lingered on all four corners. I took my time and roamed my eyes around the entirety of the room. It seemed bare, except for the wall opposite to the bed where many pictures hung. It was a lot, and was close to covering the whole surface.

Since there was nothing else to look at, I decided to look at the pictures that were on the wall. I stood up and walked towards it and glanced at the photographs that he took. It was a collection of many photos, both of people, foods, and landscapes. His love of photography was embodied in every single piece of picture that hung on the wall, and it was evident that he took each photo with utmost technicality.

There were pictures of mountain ranges, flowers wet from being watered, children playing under the rain, and other random subjects that entail various stories in each frame. However, the first few pictures that he took were all black and white. The landscapes, people, and all the other subjects were shot in grayscale, emitting a rather gloomy impression to my eyes. I walked slowly as I looked at the pictures, and suddenly saw a picture of myself. It was colored and vibrant, different from the first photos that I had seen. I thought it was only a single photo of me, but beside it was another, and beside it was also me. They were not recent though, and if my memory served me right, they were long before I even met Tawan at the bus that morning.

There was a picture of me drinking my milkshake at the cafe, but it was the summer before senior year, and I had not met him that time yet. Another one beside it was also me, walking along Chiang Mai. If I'm not mistaken, it was the day I went for my regular check up. The long chain of my photos continued until the very end of the wall, all taken before we even met. My mind was both perplexed and shocked at the sight of the photos, my heart beating so fast I felt like it was a ticking time bob waiting to collapse.

"You may not know it yet, but I met you before already."

Tawan said behind me. He saw me looking at my own pictures, and walked towards me. When he reached my position and held my hand, taking one of the pictures that hung on the wall. It was my picture from my check up.

"The first I laid my eyes on you was at a hospital. I didn't know what you did back then as I only saw you at the exit, but I was there to treat my injuries from a fight."

He smiled as he looked at the picture, and he talked as if the memory still rests in his mind very freshly like it happened just yesterday.

"Since then, I couldn't bring myself to stop thinking of you, and I searched the entirety of Chiang Mai just to see you again."

He then clipped back the photo, and brushed his fingers at the wall. And there I saw it, pictures of me from all the moments we shared together. There was a picture of me eating at the pink cafe, at Jay Fai's diner, the rooftop, and basically all of the locations where we went. They were all taken candidly, and I was completely unaware of what he did. It occurred to me that all the times he wasn't talking to me and his eyes were glued only to his phone, it was all because he secretly took photos of me.

What shocked me the most was a picture of me at the bus on the first day of school. It was the first time we'd met and there I was on the wall, my image showing myself with my earphones on as I looked at the outside view. It was not as beautiful as the others as it seemed blurry, maybe because he took it in a hurry so I won't found out, but seeing how our story unfolded after that day, that picture told the best story of all.

"As I searched for you, I saw the beauty of Chiang Mai. My lenses that back then only captured black and white turned into a colorful imagery that I only appreciated after seeing you that day. And in every picture that I took, there was you in it. In every snap of my camera, my heart develops slowly, like a photo in a dark room meticulously prepared to come up with the best image. Before I knew it, I was already catching feelings for the boy I had no idea who, except for his face."

I still couldn't process what he was talking about as I was both shocked with the pictures that hung on the wall and his words. Slowly it made sense to me, how his dad talked about him asking for a transfer of schools and how he begged for it. It made sense to me, but my heart was still unsure if it was on the same page with my mind.

"Still, like a photographer I was distant. No matter how many times I've taken your pictures, they were all in secrecy and meters apart."

Suddenly his face frowns, and his smile becomes a wistful face in an instant.

"The life I had before meeting you, it was very displeasing. Even I was tired of living it. I got into fights everyday, wake up and sleep in to an earful from my father--I was miserable. And although meeting you gave me an ounce of hope, I couldn't bring myself to narrow the distance between us as I had nothing to offer, nothing but a heart that can love."

His eyes were getting watery as he looked at me, and he held both of my hands as he pressed them into his chest. It was not beating fast, but rather calm and serene. Moments after, the tears that for so long he sheltered in his eyes became too heavy that it finally poured. He was sobbing uncontrollably, his head bowed down as his tears dropped into my palms that were still in his chest. He felt weak standing right in front of me, but not the kind of weakness that equated to being frail. He was weak in a sense that he was submitting himself to the truth.

"I..I loved you before you even realized that you love me, New. I loved you even before our eyes met at the bus, and I've loved you even before I knew of your cancer. In all these photos, you were the subject. That's because my eyes can only see you, and the rest is a vague sight. I'm unsure of all things, but not of my feelings for you."

Talking in between his sobs, his genuine love for me echoed on all four corners of the room. Before I knew it, I was already shedding tears too. I was oblivious of the fact that the shining boy I saw that day at the bus had long been admiring me, and knowing it at a moment where my body was physically deteriorating, I suddenly felt like I was relieved of the pain.

He loved me long before I even loved him.

It was a realization that I had the moment we pulled each other into an embrace. He loved me first before I could even realize my feelings, and here I thought I was the one madly in love. Through his lenses, he looked at me as he maintained his distance, fearing that I might not be able to handle his weight. He loved me without a doubt, and yet I was the one doubtful if he'd stay with me even when I go bald. It hit me as we stood in front of the wall of my photos, that Tawan really was my sun, and I was negligent of that fact.