39. How to break the healed hearts

I have been suffocating in my own brokenness for so long. You are the breath of fresh air I have always waited for, yet have never known. - Logan.

~~~

39. How to break the healed hearts

(Alexandra)

Alexandra and Stella sat in the overwhelming silence as they stared at the pregnancy kit in front of them, as if it was about to explode any moment now. Their eyes were glued to the words written across the plastic kit -- it was so harmless a word, yet it was also the sword staring straight at them.

Stella was twitching her fingers as she avoided looking at it and then inevitably her eyes would be drawn back to it. Like it was a magnet.

Alex's heart was a mess. She couldn't stop looking. It was as if her eyes were glued.

And she was so very afraid, so very angry.

She knew what it meant. It meant more Logan. It meant more pain of seeing him on daily basis and she could not...

She was a coward that way.

Of course, without interacting with him frequently, she could put his memories to rest, in a kind place in her heart. A place that wouldn't feel like twisting knife permanently stuck inside.

As years passed, he would mayeb fade into a sepia. This fond photograph people took out once in a while to look at, to reminisce. To feel the pang of nostalgia, but never the pang of hurt.

But seeing him over and over again, it would keep those memories in bright, vivid flash of colors. He would forever stay as the knife in her heart.

She didn't want that. She hadn't wanted this.

Alex didn't know why this happened to her. Alex had even used the pills Stella once told she was also using and she used it regularly, because she knew the end was coming. And she didn't want anything to happen in between.She hadn't wanted to bring a soul into this broken world, in this broken way.

So...

Why did this happen to me? Why me?

"Maybe it is a false positive?" Stella asked as she licked her lips. A drop of sweat drifted down her forehead and she wiped it away.

Alex chuckled wryly.

"Oh, I am sure it is not. Things like that don't happen to me." She said as she pushed the thing with one finger with a scrunched nose. "I used your damn pills."

"Maybe you forgot?"

"I don't remember ever forgetting it."

"Hmm." Stella mused. "What happened happened. So what are we going to do now?" Stella asked as she blinked harder and harder. Alex shook her head as she noticed her best friend's crazy eyes.

"No matter how hard you blink, it is not going to read anything other than positive. So, stop blinking, Stells."

"Do you want to keep it?" Stella hesitated for a bit as she asked it.

Alex felt a strange twitch in her stomach. The answer didn't come instinctively, didn't come in a snap. And it made her guilty.

Do I want this baby?

If I don't want it... Then what?

But I could never hurt a baby, could I?

"I don't know. I know I don't want to hurt it, but... I also don't want it to hurt me. I am scared, Stella. So scared. And I feel so selfish, so heartless to think like this. I feel guilty and bothered that I am thinking these things. But... I can't not stop these thoughts popping around inside me and-"

"It is okay, babe, to feel selfish once in a while. You are scared and it is okay to think anything you want to think."

"I just feel guilty to even think about this baby like... Like it is a bomb or something."

"I know. You are afraid because you just had your heart broken and you are carrying that man's baby, the man you are trying to unlove. So it is okay."

"I don't know if-"

"You can unlove him?" Stella finished her sentence with a frown.

"Yes. I don't think I will ever stop loving him. Maybe I am not made for unloving someone. Him. A part of him will forever be with me, Stella, those little bits of him he had unknowingly given to me and a part of me will always be with him. Even if he didn't love, he had given me everything, Stella. Everything. He had taught me how to stay strong, taught me how selfless he could be for a friend. Taught me courage and weakness can coexist. Taught me not every mask is worn in the intention of tricking others. Some are just for protecting yourself.

"He taught me that confidence can't ever interfere with kindness and generosity. He made me realize there is a much, much bigger world for me, if I just dared. He showed me everything my dad hadn't. And that is the sad truth. So I can never stop loving him. Maybe the pain will not be as new, as raw as years go. It will heal and form a scab and the skin will stop being so pink and broken and throbbing. But stop loving him? I don't think so." Alex rubbed her eyes.

And if I am going to see him always, the pain will stay pink and raw and throbbing. The skin will keep peeling off and there will be no time for the scabs to form.

Oh God! What am I going to do?!

Stella sighed as she bit her lips, a thoughtful look crossing her eyes.

"You don't deserve to live without him."

"Nah, I don't, but he doesn't deserve to be forced into living with me. So I have accepted this. I know the consequences and yet, I was stupid enough to fall for him... "

Stella shook her head. "Hmm... What you feel for Logan, I have never felt this. Sometimes, I feel . qha mistake when I married Adam. I was too young and he was-he was rich and I hadn't been rich in so long and -"

¹

"You are not a gold-digger, you idiot. So what if you don't love like I love Logan? I am sure you love Adam in your own way. It is just a different kind of love. That doesn't mean it is any less."

"Different kind of love. Maybe you will learn to love someone else differently, as well."

"Yes. Maybe I can learn to love someone else, too, but yes, I also know it will never be the same way I loved Logan."

"But it would not mean it would be any less." Stella said with a stubborn look in her eyes. "First love is always special, Alex and he is your first love. So? Who knows. Maybe one day you will find your person. And you will feel like... Whoa there!"

"Yeah." Alex nodded, just to console her friend, but she was sure that wouldn't happen to her. She wasn't that lucky.

Of course, she believed that she would stop hurting so much whenever she thought of Logan. She believed that day would come.

As Stella said, she might come to love another man, a different kind of love, but it would never match anything to how she felt for Logan.

Her whoa there! was and would always be Logan. And it was such a pity it was that way, too.

Because her whoa there! was not ready to be anyone's love.

A friend maybe. A best friend any one could have asked for. But nothing more.

"Are we calling Logan?" Stella asked when she saw Alex picking her phone.

"No. Doctor first. Baby daddy second." Alex said.

"So?"

"We will be fine, Stells. I have you and many good friends who care for me and the baby will have all of you plus its daddy. I am sure Logan will want to be a part in the baby's life. So.. We will be fine. Fine." Alex said, assuring herself, mostly as she picked up her bag and locked the door.

We will be fine, baby!

*

**

(Logan)

Eliza didn't know, neither did Emma. Logan had tried to cajole the details out of them, but it looked like they really didn't know about Alex anymore than he did.

Emma told him about the time Alex had called her the other day to inform her that she would not be coming to work at her house anymore.

Eliza went as far as accusing him of being the reason for why Alex hadn't called her. Logan nodded to her without any response and walked away. If she was angry, so be it. He didn't have time to listen to her barbs right now.

He needed to find his wife. His best friend. And his love.

It was strange, she could be all that, but it was also easily plausible that she was all that. She was amazing. Refreshing. So... There was no wonder she had become an integral part of his life.

He did call Alexandra, but she didn't attend the call when he called her. It rang and rang until it went to voicemail.

He had already wasted so much of their days by being a stubborn fool and he didn't want to waste anymore time without saying to her that he indeed loved her. That he was a fool not to accept or admit it.

But he couldn't find her no matter how hard he tried. It was like she had vanished or something.

It was almost impossible to not do anything, to wait for her to either pick up the phone or someone else to tell him where she was.

Neither didn't happen for 24 hours and 27 minutes and then as if Alex could hear him screaming inside, she called.

He was surprised that she had called. She hadn't called him in so long.

He placed the book over the sticky notes --her sticky notes-- and the letter he had been reading since morning, as he picked up the phone.

If only I can kiss her through the phone. He thought as he cleared his throat.

"Hey." He said. He wanted to say more, he wanted to hug her and kiss her until he could memorize every pane of her body, remember every scent. Until she was printed on his skin, until he was suffused with her scent.

God. I miss you. I am a fool, fool to have wasted all those precious days.

"I need to talk to you." She said in a voice that was so alien to him.

"You can come here." He almost wanted to say 'our home' but as Barbara had told, he needed to see her face when he told her he loved her. He wanted to see the shock and surprise and he hoped she wouldn't be too angry to feel the happiness.

Because, he wanted to see her happiness, as well. Something in her transformed whenever she became happy. It was like a light was switched on inside her and it reflected in her beautiful green eyes. Those light, in turn, would light up his world. Always.

And he was an idiot to not have realized why everything about her made him happy, made him a better man. He had been so blind, and it was strange that Barbara was the one to open his eyes, but he didn't want to look that gift horse in the mouth.

He was just happy that he could finally see. Finally believe. Finally stop being so scared to do and say what he had always felt, deep, deep down.

"No. I am staying at LeBauss. I will meet you in the outdoor dining area. Okay? Evening. At five."

He wanted to say now, but he decided he didn't want to be overbearing. What is another 5 hour of waiting.

She had waited for him half an year to notice her, to notice that she loved him and he had willfully stayed blind.

As she had accused him once, he had known, deep in his gut, and yet he pretended otherwise. And he would wait for her, maybe not all his lifetime, because he wanted to be with her, NOW. He didn't want to waste another second. But yes, he could wait until she could forgive him, until she could accept him and his stupid head.

"Okay. I'll meet you there, Lex. Bye. " He said as he mournfully looked at his watch.

He heard her took in a deep breath and realized he had called her Lex.

She stayed silent for a minute before she hung up.

Five hours of looking at the boring files Tom had sent home for him to look at, Logan slammed them closed when the clock showed it was 4.

He stood up, walked to the room and picked out his red shirt with a smile as memories of the last time he wore it filled his eyes with overflowing happiness. If anyone could have seen him then, if Alex could have seen him then --utterly open and vulnerable and filled with the glow of happiness-- they would have seen how Logan loved.

Even in his own broken way, how he had loved.

He pulled on the shirt as he thought of that day.

"You look relaxed when you are wearing this shirt. Like you would love to kick a ball or tumble down the grass field. You don't look so intimidating any more."

"You have never been intimidated by me." He said as he folded his sleeves.

"True." She agreed. "And also, you look delicious. I wanna take a bite."

"You can."

"I know. But we are late for lunch at your parents' house and I -"

"They won't mind." He had coerced her into being naughty with him and she had given up finally with a chuckle.

"You are such a trouble maker, Logan. Who would have thought! Behind the stoic mask of maturity and single mindedness lived a bad boy."

"Girls love bad boys." He had winked at her with a smirk and she had nodded.

"They do." She had said before she removed the shirt from him, and they had missed the lunch, totally.

He hadn't known then, that she was talking about herself.

He shook his head with a small nostalgic smile as he combed his hair with his fingers, sprayed and he felt like a teenage guy getting ready for the first date.

His stomach was twitchy and he was as nervous as a kid getting his first kiss behind a door as he walked inside the open dining yard.

There were only few people milling about and he searched for her, and found her sitting behind a tall potted plant, her fingers folded together, a faraway look in her beautiful eyes. She looked like a sad, dejected statue.

"Alex." He said as she looked up, a thoughtful frown on her pale lips.

He wondered whether she was alright. She looked thin, pale. She had dark shadows under her eyes and it made him guilty.

She waved a hand and he sat down.

"How are you? You look so thin." He asked with a concerned frown.

"Good. Good." She said almost absently. "You?"

"Okay." He said as he filled her hungry eyes with her. God. How long had he wanted to look at her like this. With no guilt or frustration. With simply happiness and relief. "Alex, I have to- I mean, I really-"

For God's sake, get a grip, man! I love you. Is that so hard to say, you idiot? It was that voice. But strangely enough he didn't hate what it said. It had always been the truest part of himself. Even if he never chose to believe his own damn voice.

"Wait. Don't say anything now. I need to say it or I am afraid I will never say it to you. I really don't want to, but I am not that kind of woman. So... Don't interrupt me. Don't say anything until I have- I mean, just listen." She took in a deep breath. Her eyes looked nervous as they flitted away from his.

He looked at her tired face and just nodded. He could give her a lifetime. If she was just there, it was okay. And he would listen to anything she had to say. He could.

"I- I didn't... I am not sure how to explain this, but, please. Don't, don't for a moment think that this is some kind of plot, or anything like that. I don't want you, anymore."

He flinched when she said that. It was like a physical blow and he could imagine how it would have been for her when he said 'I am sorry' after she had handed her heart to him in a fragile glass platter. He had let it slip from his grasp and hurt her in the process.

He was such an ass. And he hated himself for all of those moments where he had chosen to hurt her by refusing to love her.

"I am- I don't. God, please, I-" He started only to be cut off by her. He stopped as he gave her a go on.

"No, don't interrupt." She shook her head with a tired sigh. "I just- I have practiced this a hundred time and still I don't know how to say it. I just want to say, Logan, I won't get mad with whatever you decide. It is a choice. You can decide not to-" She stopped and pressed a finger against her right eye. "I didn't expect this, Logan, so just remember I am just as shocked. Remember that this is not me manipulating into anything you didn't want."

Her face was stuck in a painful wince as she said that and he wanted to go to her and hug her to him and said sorry, over and over again until she didn't hurt anymore.

"What? What happened' He asked as he looked at her bent back and placid face.

What the hell was she talking about? He was getting more and nite worried as she talked and he couldn't still get a sense of what it was.

Is she dying or something? Fate wouldn't be that cruel, right?

No, she can't die on me.

His stomach was doing weird flips with each of her mysterious words. Like a puzzle.

"Just- no one will criticize you if you want to opt out. Maybe it will be-"

"Alex, I can't, for the life of me, still get what you are coming to say, and my mind is running a million miles per second and I keep imagining all these bad bad scenarios. So please, stop these prologues and just tell me."

"I am pregnant, Logan." She said in a single breath, but he could hear it all right.

It was like a bomb. Dropped directly above him. He blinked and pressed a hand to his heart.

Can I be a good father to this baby?

He couldn't believe it. God. He wanted to stop his heart from beating so loud from exhilaration.

I will be an amazing dad. I can be. I can be as good a dad as mine.

"Oh baby, I am so-"

It felt like she was a million years away from him. Her eyes were vacant as her lips muttered words he didn't want to hear.

"If you want no part in this baby's life, I will be more than glad to take care by-"

"You want me to walk away? From this? From a baby? My baby? Our baby? Do you really want that, Alex?" He asked with a pang in his heart.

She didn't want him in her life anymore. Looked like she was praying that he wouldn't want to be in the baby's life anymore than he was in hers, as well.

But how could he walk away when he wanted to see how this baby would look like the moment she told him about the baby. How his heart immediately expanded to hold in another little soul, who was the miracle of life, her and his life. Their life.

Eyes green like it's mom, little tuft of black hair like him--and she or he wouldn't have blonde hair-- holding his hand, learning to walk.

God. How he wanted to be there for all of that. And more.

He wanted to threaten her boyfriend if she was a girl. He wanted to wrestle in the mud if he was a boy.

"I just-"

"You just don't want me in your life?" He asked as he leaned back against his chair.

She didn't say anything, but the silence was answer enough for him.

"It is not that, Logan. It is just... I don't want you to feel any obligation to be in this. Again, this isn't your mistake?"

"So, how did you get pregnant? All by yourself?" He asked with a narrowed eyes. She shook her head.

"I didn't want to fight with you, Logan."

"I know. You don't want to do anything with me. But you are going to have to do with me. I am gonna be there for the baby, Alex and- I am gonna be there for you." He said as he grabbed her hand in his. She jerked up and he watched as her eyes widened in what looked like recognition. And denial.

"No." She whispered as she pulled her hand away. "You can be there for the baby, but no, not for me, Logan."

"Why not?" He grabbed her hand again and she pulled away, again. "Alex, I-"

Shit. Why can't I say it?

"Because I don't want your misplaced obligations and sense of duty. I don't want you to be there for me because you feel like you have to. I am not weak and I don't need you to look after me. So..."

"No, I am not going to be there for you because I have to. I am going to be there, because I need to, I want to. Because I love you, Lex, I love you, so damn much." He said as he looked in to her eyes.

She shook her head as her green eyes flashed with thunder. They clashed against him and his breath hissed out.

Oh, shit, it is too late!

She stood up from the chair, calmly, coolly.

"Shut up, Logan. Just shut the fuck up!"

___

Me: whoa! Didn't expect that.

Logan: *looking pale and sweaty* neither did I. I mean-

Alex: Ask him to go away, woman. That liar! 🤥 Or I will bash your head in.

Me: so violent. It is not becoming.

Alex: You want to see how violent I can become?

Logan: I think it is the hormones. It is messing up with her head.

Alex: If you open your mouth, I am going to mess your head up, pretty badly. Just go away, you two. I have enough of you two for now.

Me and Logan: 🤕

PS: Don't be confused with the new cover.😚 I am gonna check out some new ones, until I feel like whoa there... So just tell me does it feel like the cover for our story - Alex' and Logan's story. (I am kinda bummed that inkitt didn't have the option to add images. 😔)

PPS: So, there. Logan confessed in his own fashion 😲. Nothing boom-badoom, but still. He said it. And Alex is not happy with what he said! What gives? 🤔

Send me some insights. 💬 Long, long ones. They are keeping me entertained, and if you entertain me, I will be good enough to entertain you back.

PPPS (can I do that?) : Still... Read my poetry collections : 📖🔖

*sane words by an insane girl 🙈

*little bit of love and heartbreak 💔

And give my short story a try : Sketches of fate. (Just visit my profile and leaf through the new updates.)

💞 Fathy!