35. You, me and everyone else

One day you will regret letting me go, but I won't be there that day! - Alexandra.

~~~

35. You, me and everyone else

(Alexandra)

The kiss tasted bitter and salty. Her tears. His anger. He did not pull away, though, maybe because he still lusted after her.

Even when he hated her!

This was all new to Alex. Lust without love. Hatred mixed with desire.

She was still a beginner when it came to love and Logan wasn't exactly a great teacher. He was a very bad, very arrogant and hurtful teacher. And that made her a bad student.

He didn't love her. He just wanted her, because she was good in his bed.

That thought was like a violent shake. She pulled back from him even when she didn't want to. But she couldn't want him anymore.

This shit was finally done. It had to be.

"Goodbye Logan. I hope I never see you again." She whispered almost to herself, but the thought of it, the thought of never seeing him again was so painful it almost physically hurt her.

She turned away from him as she wiped her eyes, but the tears kept falling, as if they didn't know how to stop. She blinked rapidly and walked away.

She was afraid that if she waited, she would beg him to let her stay with him. After all this, she couldn't do that to herself. If she stayed, if he accepted, it would give him all the power in that relationship and she didn't want that kind of relationship.

What kind of relationship would that even be? She, in one side, giving and giving. And he on the other, just watching.

She couldn't beg. She couldn't live like that.

Even when everything had fallen apart in her life, even when she had to run away and stay in a dank motel with creepy men watching her every move like a hawk, she never begged.

After she lost her dad and her wealth and everything her father earned and built, she only had one thing then.

Her pride. Her self-esteem.

She would gladly give up her pride if it meant Logan could see how she had loved, but she couldn't destroy her self-esteem.

It would annihilate her and then she would become someone else. Someone even she couldn't recognize. What life would that be? Living as a stranger, looking at a stranger in all your mirrors?

She would rather take a life without Logan.

It was her fault that she had hold onto hope. It was her fault that she had wanted to believe it. To trust it. Trust everything Eliza and Emma had said. she should have said no. she was the one to blame.

"Alex." Eliza looked concerned as she saw Alex leaving. "Alex, wait." She called out.

Alex wiped her eyes and refused to turn back to look at Eliza. She hated feeling weak, feeling like her whole world was collapsing. But Logan wasn't her whole world. He had never even been a solid part of her world.

He had always been a temporary rest house in her long, troublesome journey. He has given her happiness and home for a short while, but she had always known she had to leave when the stay was over. Now she had to continue on in her journey without him. Alone.

"Alex, please. Just wait." This time Alex couldn't pretend that she hadn't heard Eliza.

She wasn't angry with Eliza, but she couldn't face her like this. With her puffy red eyes and battered heart and pride.

It was demeaning and painful. Distressing.

"Please, Eliza, I need to go. I don't-I can't-" She said as she looked at Eliza.

"I am so sorry, baby, I am so sorry I did this to you." Her eyes were sad as she looked at Alex.

"Stop. You didn't. You didn't do anything. I wanted to stay. I wanted, I needed to try once more. Now I won't ever have to wonder, ever have to think about what if I have tried again. Now I can actually-" Alex wiped her eyes and shook her head. '"I need to go. Please."

"Let me drive you, Alex. You are in no condition to drive alone and I can-"

"No, no." Alex said almost vehemently. "I need to be alone." Alex said as she pulled her gown up and stepped out into the cold and freezing night.

The chilly air swept past her skin, leaving cold burns on its trail. She had forgotten her coat inside and she didn't want to go back in and face all those faces.

She looked around for the valet.

The whole place looked like fairytale, with all those small golden lights strung to the tree, but it almost felt like a nightmare. Her nightmare.

"Here is your key, ma'am. Do you want me to call someone?" The kindly valet asked as he looked at her.

"I am really not drunk. Don't worry." Alex said with a small smile.

This kind of kindness, the small act of generosity towards a stranger, maybe that was what kept the world from actual destruction.

"Are you alright ma'am? Did anyone hurt you?"

"No, at least not in the way you are concerned about. My husband and I, we broke up." She didn't know why she was talking to a stranger, but she felt like she would explode if she left her words and feelings bottled up. "He didn't love me and I am irrecoverably in love. You know, fate, it is kind of a bitch."

"Pardon me, ma'am, but your husband is a bastard."

Alex chuckled at him as she stepped inside her car with a wave to the man. "Yeah, he is." She said as she drove away.

Her car. It was the one Logan had bought for her. He had said she could have it as a part of her payment or something, but she had said that she would pay for it in installment, when they had agreed to stay friends.

Friends. Psh! Now we are nothing.

She thought as she drove and drove and she realized...

She had nowhere else to go.

***

(Logan)

After ten minutes, Logan could finally breathe properly and think.

God. What did I do?

He could now clearly think without anger pumping through him. Or pushing him. His anger had always been his downfall. And this time wasn't the first time. Beth had always, always asked him to check his anger and keep his words inside when he was angry. And he didn't.

And now Alex was hurt because of him. God. Her eyes filled with tears, it still sawed on his heart. He was the reason for her tears. He had never wanted to be the reason for that.

Once he had prayed that she would always smile and here he was, the sole reason for her pain.

You are a bastard. His voice scorned. You saw her cry and you didn't stop her. You just let her walk away. You watched her walk away.

He stood up from the couch and rushed out. Maybe she was still here. Maybe they could talk like sensible adults, instead of hurting each other.

I hurt her more than she hurt me. He thought and the voice in his head readily agreed.

He looked around; the party had dwindled to some people lingering here and there. Ethan was gone, but his son was still here with very few guests. There was no sign of Alex, but Logan saw Eliza walking out of the front door, a frown twisted on her lips. He hastily followed her to her car.

"Where is she? Eliza, where is she?" His voice was urgent as he looked at his sister.

"She went away. What do you want to do now? Wasn't that enough already?" Eliza scorned at him as she rummaged through her purse, looking for something.

"Alone? Did you let her go alone? Are you that stupid?" Logan glared at his sister. She wasn't in the position to drive a car. For God's sake, she was crying.

And you are the reason for that.

"What do you think I should have done? I was the one who asked her to stay and fight for you and she had agreed to all our stupid, insensitive plans. Now, here we are, again and I am also the reason she is crying. God! What have I done?"

"Did she go to your house?" Logan ignored his sister's monologue.

"She can't even look at me. I doubt that she is coming to my house anytime soon." Eliza sighed and she looked so tired. Logan almost pitied her conundrum, but he didn't have time to be sensitive about all this.

He needed to find Alex, he needed to know that she was safe. And good.

"You and Emma, you should have minded your own business. You didn't have the right to meddle in our relationship." Logan complained. "You guys are the reason for-"

"What relationship? The one conjured by your contract?" Eliza scoffed. "But you are right. We should have minded our own damn business. We really should have. Even after knowing you, we thought there is still some semblance of Beth left in you, some semblance of US. But you are Barbara's son." Eliza nodded as if it all made sense. Her eyes, those amber eyes were alert and aware. It made Logan nervous.

"What do you mean?" Logan grunted with frustration.

"You blame Barbara for making you like this, don't you?"

Eliza chuckled drily as he nodded.

"She left. And people leave. You can't blame me for-"

"I don't blame you, Logan. I blame Barbara. She is to blame, not because she left you --us-- but because she gave you her genes. You are like our birth mother, Logan. That much is proven now." Eliza shook her head with dejection. "You can not be saved. We tried. And we are sorry we tried. Now Alex is hurt."

"I am nothing like Barbara." Logan spat at his sister. She didn't back off. She stood there, tall and angry and he had never seen Eliza that angry. "And I don't need saving. I don't need you guys to save me. I am rich, powerful and I can save myself."

"You are. Rich and powerful. Yes. The way you chase after money, after success, doesn't it sound like someone you knew? She wasn't wrong to chase after money and fame, as well and you blamed her for leaving you. Us. You are doing the same thing to Alex, as well, Logan. Exactly the same." Eliza said.

"Alexandra and I, we are different. Our marriage wasn't real and I didn't leave her for money or fame, I already have enough."

"Let's just hope you have enough money to fill your empty heart, Logan, when you become tired and old. Enough money to love you back, to take care of you, to talk back to you." Eliza sighed as if she could not bear to talk anymore. "Wait, you have money and you can buy someone to talk to you, to take care of you, maybe even love you." She shrugged as she pulled something out from her clutch.

"My heart isn't empty. Just because I can not love someone doesn't mean-" Logan started, only to be cut off by his sister again.

"You can't love someone other than yourself, and it is not a mistake." Eliza shrugged as if she had profiled him or something. "You can't keep blaming Barbara for your shortcomings. It is cowardly way out. If you can't love, be man enough to admit that. Don't keep whining about Barbara. She left us, too. She hurt dad more than she hurt any one of us and look at dad. Dad is happy and I have never seen anyone as happy as he and Beth is. So..."

Logan stayed silent. He didn't know what to say to that. Maybe his sister was right, maybe she wasn't. He didn't know anything anymore. It was all one big blimey mess.

"It is not my mistake I can't-" Eliza shook her head as he started.

"No. That is not your mistake. Your mistake, Logan, is that you wanted Alex to fall for you, even when you knew you can't love her back. You wanted her to cry and grieve and be miserable when she left you and that is the worst thing you could ever do to anyone. When you heard she was happy, what did you do, Logan?" She looked at him, eyes accusing. He looked down. "You were angry. Angry that she was happy without you. Sod the plans and whatever, if you think Alex had betrayed you, let me tell you something. You have betrayed her trust and even her friendship more than she had."

"I didn't betray her. I am sorry I can't love her but you can't-"

"You are selfish and arrogant and it is obvious that you can't love anything more than your need to be at the top, your desire for success and fame and as I said, I don't blame you. I can't. You are predisposed to be like that. Thankfully Emma and I, we got dad's DNA. It is sad you got Barbara's." It looked like pity, that emotion in her eyes. Not anger. Not hatred. Just plain pity.

Logan wanted to turn back from it. He had never liked that reaction when it was shown to him. He wasn't someone to be pitied. He was someone to be admired, respected, revered. Not pitied.

"I love you, Logan, you are my little brother and so I pray you never stop running after money, because I can't imagine how you will feel or what you will go through if you ever stop running." She shook her head as she handed a folded paper to him. "I am sorry, Logan, sorry for my part in all this."

"What is this?"

"That was Alex's letter to you when she first decided to leave you. We should have let her leave you, because it was right for her. I forced her to stay, because I thought it wasn't right for you. I am sorry we meddled. It will never happen again. And Logan, Alex will always be our friend. So we are not choosing between you and her."

"Are you insane? Nobody is asking you to choose and don't keep blathering on and on. Just tell me where she will be?"

"I don't know, but do you think I will tell you even if I know?"

"Why the hell won't you?" He spat at his sister. "What about this new apartment she was talking with Chad?" He asked.

"She hadn't still signed on the rental agreement and the old owners hadn't still left."

"Would she have gone to Chad's apartment?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. Okay? I am leaving now." She said as she stepped inside the car before she sped away. After staring at her car for a minute, he opened the letter.

He read it and for a while he couldn't comprehend it. She was planning to go away. To disappear from his life. To say a permanent goodbye. He couldn't even imagine that! Imagine that just weeks ago, she was ready to leave him completely.

Can you still blame Eliza and Emma for trying?

"Could you have lived without me, Alex? You said you loved me and yet you were planning to leave me? Barbara told me the same. Told me she has never loved anybody like she loved me, that I am her special little baby boy. She told that every day, even that day when she walked out on me." He closed his eyes as he leaned against his car and rubbed against his chest. It was hurting right there. He didn't know why.

Logan drove to Daniel's house. He did not know who else to talk to. Daniel opened the door and didn't ask anything as he walked inside.

"Come on, I have some leftover lasagna." Daniel said as he opened a box and microwaved it.

"What happened? You look like death warmed over." He asked as he pushed a glass of water towards Logan.

"Here." Logan pushed the folded letter. It was now almost worn out. Logan had read it well over twenty times in the past one hour.

"She was planning to leave me. So tell me, how can I-"

"Logan, but then she stayed."

"She was leaving. She was planning to completely disappear from my life, like Barbara."

"No. Not like Barbara. Alex was planning to leave because you didn't love her back, you couldn't love her back, but still she stayed. Even knowing that you didn't love her, she stayed. For you. Barbara left you all because she didn't love you enough. I don't know why you can't see the difference, Logan? Normally you would have been the first one to point all this out. To note all this. But you are a mess now."

"I don't know. Okay, she stayed and then she pretended to be happy with Chad and manipulated me into- into... I was angry, really angry, and I said some things I didn't really mean to her and she is gone now, really gone." He shook his head, looking crestfallen.

"I don't know why you keep messing this up. She is the one. The one for you. You were the only one who couldn't see it. We all saw it. Eliza and Emma tried for an intervention, because you needed it, because they thought you both deserved a happy life. But now, I don't know."

"Is she really gone? I mean, the hearing for her father's lawsuit is only two days away. Maybe she will come back."

"Of course she will come. But I don't think she will want to talk with you or anything."

"I can explain to her- I mean, I can talk to her and make her-"

"You should not make her do anything, not anymore, Logan. Just stay the hell away for a while."

"I- I was wrong and I made a mistake and I know it is all wrong, but I can't just sit and fiddle with my fingers and-"

"I know. You can't sit and fiddle, but still, stay the hell away. Okay. You have already done enough."

"Not you too, Dan. Don't tell me I am a bastard or money-chaser or whatever. Eliza had already told me all that."

"I am just asking you to stay away. Nothing more."

"Why should I?"

"Do you have the answers she wants to hear, Logan?" Daniel quirked his brows. "Tell me, Logan and maybe I will tell you you shouldn't stay away."

Logan looked down guiltily. "I don't know."

"Then stay away. If you at least considered her a friend and wants her to be happy, stay away."

***

(Alexandra)

The security guard recognized her and opened the door for her without another question.

She stopped her car and stepped down. Every step she took felt heavy, mechanical. Felt like an uphill battle. She just wanted to sit down and bawl.

She felt like a machine. She felt Robotic. As if she had lost the power and feelings in her heart and mind. As if there was only a machine in her chest that was keeping her alive by just pumping blood.

When she looked, she was shocked. She suddenly realized where she was. She hadn't realized it even when she drove all the way inside.

She did not know why she was here. She hadn't been here in a while. She did not even know if he was here or gone.

A strong gust of wind made her shiver as she walked along the rocked pavement. Hoping he was here. Hoping he wasn't here.

She didn't know what she was hoping, or why she was here.

She was a mess. A chaos.

Her teeth was beginning to chatter in the cold. The wind was vehement.

It was a cold, cold night. Cold like Logan and his unfeeling eyes.

She stared at the massive door. She didn't want to knock, she was almost sure this was a mistake.

She did not have the strength to knock. Or stand. She didn't have the strength to do anything.

After another two minutes of hesitation, she decided it was better if she did not knock.

She whirled away from the door only to be stopped by the sound of the heavy oak door opening. Her whole body went rigid.

Shit.

"Alex, what are you doing here?" Leo opened the door and stared at her.

"I don't know." Alex whispered as she looked into his familiar blue eyes. Calming blue eyes. She wished she could just burrow into him and cry her heart out. But since that kiss nothing had been same between them. She hadn't even talked to him in a while.

She stared back at him. He felt like a stranger. Not the friend she had spent months, months decorating this house, months fine tuning his songs.

"You want to come inside? It is freezing and you don't look good." He muttered as he looked down from her. She could see it in his posture, his awkwardness.

Why did he have to mess their friendship?

Why did she have to mess her and Logan's friendship?

It was all some strange and twisted plan in fate's game book. That was all Alex could think of.

"Hey?" He called her. "Coming?"

She nodded.

"Come on in then. I will get you something warm to wear and there is food in the kitchen."

She followed him inside.

___

For more fun, and some serious moments, I have created a f.a.c.e.b.o.o.k group for my books.

Fathy Light's Bookish Angels.

Hope to see you all there. Don't be a stranger. Come and say Hello!!!