30. Rejections and heart breaks

Some love stories are destined to be. Some stories are fated to never be- Alexandra.

~~~

30. Rejections and heart breaks

(Alexandra)

"I love you." She murmured again, her fight leaving her system. Now there was only this urgency to take flight and never turn back.

Tell me something. She thought as she looked up at him.

He stood there, still as a statue as her body shook like the last leaf on a stormy night. It was so cold. Her whole body was so freaking cold, but it was good for her heart. It numbed the pain ripping through it. The cold kept it working.

She hugged herself as if she couldn't bear the mark of his frozen eyes on her body. There was nothing there, nothing she hoped to see --and she knew it would be like this and that was why she never dared to say her feelings out loud.

His eyes were mostly aloof, but then she knew what it meant. He looked away as if seeing her hurt him. Maybe he was feeling sympathetic for her. Maybe it was pity.

And the thought of his pity ambushed her. This was why she didn't -- wouldn't tell him. Because she knew this would come and her world would come crashing down her head.

Rejection. It smelled like burning logs and woods. Burning hopes and dreams. It reeked of despair and desolation. Of disinterest.

Her despair. His disinterest.

Her head was spinning and her eyes were blurry. She wanted to sit down, but she stood in front of him, heart in her eyes as silent tears drifted down her cheeks. She was fast to wipe them away, but he did not see it. He didn't see her anymore.

He was staring somewhere above her head, refusing to look her in the eyes. Coward. He looked guilty and ashamed. But she didn't want guilt. Or shame. Or pity.

She wanted him to love her back. Just love her like a man loved a woman. Not lust, or desire.

She had thought she would be okay with lust, but she was so wrong.

Though he wanted her, desired her, he never loved her. She knew it, didn't she? She was the fool here and God forbid, if Logan Adrian Forte ever made a fool out of himself.

"Wh-what?" He stuttered after a while and Alex couldn't help the chuckle as he scratched at his stubbled chin.

She prayed for strength. Hoped that she would come away from this. She could. She was strong enough.

But not now. Now, she needed time to mourn the definite loss, defined rejection. This wasn't just in her head anymore, now there was no space for hopes and dreams and what ifs.

Now everything was solid and squashed. Everyone of her dreams she dared to dream even amid the hopelessness. Even in the chaos.

"I love you, Logan. Tell me something back. Anything." He stared at her as if she had two heads and four horns.

"I can't, I mean- I don't-" His voice was weak, but she heard it loud and clear.

Get it. He doesn't love you.

She knew that long before he said it, but somewhere deep inside, she had hoped. And she had prayed.

She kept believing that there might just be something between them. But no, it was all in her mind.

It was all just a fairytale in the jungle of her fantasy. It was all good and hopeful in the pages of her imaginary stories, but reality was nothing like that. Reality was a broken, dismembered puzzle of Cinderella and Rapunzel and every other fairytale princesses who ever got her prince and happy ending. Lucky girls in lucky stories. Real life wasn't always lucky or fair.

There was nothing here for her, not anymore. This wasn't her home -- he couldn't be her home. Not after it became like this - frozen and frigid.

Her heart ached and she was the reason her heart was hurting like someone was just peeling layer after layer of its muscle until it was pooled with red, red blood. She was the only one to blame. No one else.

Not even Logan. He was clear about the lines they shouldn't cross. Especially the emotional ones. He was okay with crossing physical ones, because, he was a guy and it probably would have meant nothing to guys like him.

I told you, didn't I, you stupid heart, to not fall for this man? I told you that it would only end in rejection and heartbreak, from the very first day. But you didn't listen. You didn't.

But how could she not fall for him?

Of course, she knew about the inevitable end, but she just chose to love him through it all.

How could she not? Even when they were not made to be together, he was made for her.

Their love story was only ever one-sided and pathetic. No. It wasn't their love story. Her love story. Only hers. She was the only one here in love.

He didn't love her back.

This here was real. This here was everything she had seen in her nightmares and woke up crying and shaking and drenched in sweat and praying would never come alive.

This here was that demon hiding in her closet, underside her bed. She had felt it there, lurking, silently sneaking around, but it was finally here in front of her, staring her down.

Truth. Finally.

It was scary, yet almost liberating. It felt like maybe she could breathe again even if it hurt like hell.

"Don't say anything." She pleaded, her voice almost steady now.

"I am sorry." He looked down and shook his head. "I am sorry. I didn't- I didn't think you will-"

She wanted to laugh.

This was the one thing no woman ever wanted to hear after her confession of love. I am sorry.

"Don't be sorry." She said as she shook her head. Why was he sorry? Because she was so unlovable?

"This is- I can't-" He still couldn't form a full sentence. If it wasn't her heart he was breaking, she would probably be laughing at how Logan Forte, the one who talked his way into anything and everything was suddenly speechless. Wordless.

"You don't love me." She said with finality.

He shook his head. "It isn't that simple."

"It is. That simple."

Finally she could move on without having to second guess and dream. And hope.

"I know. You don't have to love me back just because I said I love you, Logan. Don't look so guilty. You don't have to be sorry, too. It is not your fault. This isn't part of the contract. I broke the contract, again." She didn't know how she could talk like it didn't matter, when she was breaking inside. Bit by bit. But her voice was collected, strong.

She was proud of herself. Proud of how far she had come. Once upon a time, she wouldn't have stood. She would have fled. She would have hid until it all went away.

"Please, Alex. Don't say-"

He looked like he had aged in the past ten minutes. His eyes looked tired and she was sorry, sorry that her love made him feel like this. She had never wanted to burden him with her feelings.

"Nonsense. Don't worry about the contract. I think we should just end it right here. There is only two months more, right? You can use this picture to get out of this fake marriage. This is all falling right in place." She said almost mechanically. "And I just need you to pay for the case, to Michael, that is all. I don't need more money."

"I don't want to use you as a scapegoat to get out of the contract. This isn't how it is supposed-"

She did not miss that he used Alex again.

"This is how it is supposed to be, Logan. From the very first day we met."

"I can't do-"

"Wait, why not? It is all coming together." She said as she looked at him. She wasn't afraid anymore. She wasn't afraid that she was going to cry. She wouldn't. Her love was something that would always be here even if he was gone and she wasn't ashamed of it, nor was she afraid to show it anymore.

"I believe you. I believe you wouldn't cheat on me with Leo. I am sorry for not trusting you, but- but please..."

It made her feel angry all over again.

"Now you believe me?" She scoffed. "After ripping me apart into shreds, now you believe me." She chuckled and he looked at her like she had lost it. Maybe she had. "Oh. Yes. That is hilarious."

"I didn't mean to hurt you, I don't want to hurt you."

"You never mean anything, Logan and I don't know, I don't want to fight about this with you. Not anymore."

"I just wanted to know why- you know just why you kissed him?" His face contorted as he said that. "I didn't expect you to spring this in my face like- just- I mean you lo-l-" He shrunk his nose as his bewildered eyes looked around for a way to escape.

"Love. You can't even say the word?" She smiled. "God."

"I didn't know you love me. I wouldn't have- I-"

"Don't lie about that, Logan. You know. You asked it over and over, because you wanted me to say that, don't you? You wanted me to say I love you. You wanted to hear it, because you are just that selfish. You can't help it. I know how much you can't take rejection. Even from the women you don't want and you wanted me, so...

"You wanted me to fall for you, you knew I would fall for you, when you do things like buying me that stupid table," she pointed the table with a frown. "Getting me my dream job, fighting with me for my dad's factory, making love to me in the room that smelled like wilted tulips and candles. You knew I am falling for you from every kiss you gave, ever touch I returned. You saw it. And you knew. You know I am falling when I was jealous over Stacie. So, just don't gloss it over. It won't help me. It won't hurt less. So... Like ripping a band aid- you know, it is good."

"I- I am really sorry you are hurt- I just-"

"I know, Logan. I know you are sorry. I am, too and I don't regret you, regret this. I don't blame you. But please don't give me excuses." She said as she rubbed against her cheeks. Her tears were long dry, leaving itchy, dry black patches of mascara down her cheeks.

"I care about you, Alex. You know that, but I don't know. This is all so sudden. I am not prepared for it."

Oh God, I love you. Even when you say stupid things like this, I love you.

"So sudden? It is a year, Logan. It is coming for a year." She smiled. "Yeah, you care about me and I know that. I know I am your friend. So just tell me one thing! Will you keep caring about me if I go back to Leo when the contract is over? Will you keep caring if I find someone else to love?"

His eyes went to slits and a vein in his neck ticked. His jaw was so tight she wondered if it would break. He glared before he shook his head and composed his face.

The hell with you! She thought.

"I saw that, Logan. You don't want me. You don't want me to want anyone else other than you. You don't want any other man to want me. What is this Logan? So, you said it is not love. What is this, then? Who am I to you?"

"Dammit. Now, you - you are twisting it again. Don't do this. Please. I don't want to lose you. You are my best friend. And of course, I will still care if you find someone else to love."

Ok. She thought. Ok.

"Friend?" She laughed at his face. He took a step back as if he was afraid that she would hurt him or kick him. Oh, she wanted to, but she would not. "The heck with you and your friendship. I don't want to be your fucking friend-- I meant it literally. And our freaking contract is null."

Friend. She thought with a bitter smile. She didn't know she would come to hate that word so much. As she said, she didn't want to be his friend. She never wanted to be just friends.

If she walked away from him, --when she walked away--she would make sure to cut all the ties.

Blurry, indefinite lines wouldn't work with them. They would go back to making the same mistakes, following the same pattern and she knew, he would come to her and kiss her and she would give in. She would agree to be his fucking friend.

And it couldn't be like that. It shouldn't be. She couldn't do that to herself just because she was so in love with Logan. There was so much to her life than Logan and she couldn't let Logan steal all her happiness away. It would be a disservice to herself and she couldn't.

She now had to fight for her dad's company, the fight was already half way and she would probably win. She had good friends who cared for her and she would not die without him. She would just be empty.

But better be empty than feeling alone together with him. Feeling miserable.

She turned away from him.

"Don't go, Alex." She stopped, her heart in her throat.

"I mean, we can be like this. You know. Forever. This doesn't have to end. We can be best friends, and like this." He pointed between himself.

"Friends with benefits?" She nodded with a wry smile. She couldn't believe all the words pouring out of him. She couldn't believe he could be this dense.

For a smart guy, he was really, really stupid.

"Yes. Yes. This is amazing. We are doing-- I mean, it is going great, you know. So why mess this up? I mean- I do care for you and you do know how much I do. we can be--"

Oh my God. Kill me, NOW.

"Don't say friends. Not again. I am not your freaking friend, Logan. You have Daniel and Tom for that."

"You are. You are my best friend. You know that, so don't blame me for what you did. You did that, you made a mess of everything- I didn't ask for you to fall in lo-" He stopped, and looked down.

"What, go on?"

"Just-"

"Goodbye, Logan. Hope you find warmth in your reputation at night. Hope all of them --whoever they are-- love you like I did."

She shook her head and walked away. When she was inside her room, she slammed the door shut behind her back.

She did not cry.

She just opened her two bags that she brought here with her when he drove her to his house --the very first night she met him-- from the motel and started packing it with her clothes.

Goodbye, Love.

***

(Logan)

For the rest of the day, Alex didn't come out. He gulped down a glass of juice and called it lunch.

Logan didn't know what to do. He sat in his room, wondering what went wrong.

The moment you decided kissing her is the right decision, that is where it all went wrong.

They were perfect the way they were. Love was-it was all about pain and chaos and heartbreak. It was full of turmoil and tears. Why did she want that?

He didn't want that. He couldn't want that. He had went through it so early in the age. That disorder. The dismay.

He had watched as people gossiped about him, his family. He had watched as they murmured behind his back about his mother, about how pitiful he was. Poor Logan, his mommy left him. Poor baby. Oh sweet darling, you don't deserve this. He was young, but he knew what they were talking about. It made a mark on him, something he couldn't forget. It stayed, even after Barbara left.

That was why he made the contract with Alex. So that nobody would talk about him, about how pitiful he was after Stacie said No. He couldn't be poor Logan, again. He didn't come this far to go back.

Now he knew how stupid it was. Stupid, and thoughtless.

But, love was just a technicality. It was just a word. He could give her everything, except that word.

But it is everything for Alex. So... Why don't you be a little sensitive?

I never wanted to hurt her, but I can't let her hurt me, either.

Yeah? Then keep doing whatever you are doing. It is working. The voice said with a tinge of derision.

He wanted to be sensitive about her feelings, but it was all too much for him. He always had such clear goals and checklists and agenda. The moment Alex walked in, everything became like one big heap of mess.

He could still feel how his heart felt the moment he saw the damn picture. Of Alex kissing Leo. And that pain, how could he let himself feel that pain ever again?

I can't. I can't feel like someone is ripping my heart away, again.

He was startled awake from his reverie when his phone rang. He frowned as he looked at Daniel's name flashing across the screen.

He knew why Daniel was calling and he didn't want to pick up, but he knew Dan wouldn't stop.

"How is Alex?" That was the first thing Daniel asked.

"You are supposed to ask how am I?"

"Angry, I know. And you would have said things that hurt her. So where is she, now? How is she?"

"She kissed him."

"Nah, she didn't. Leo did. I mean, I can't even blame Leo. Alex is amazing and if she isn't your wife, I would have kissed her, too."

"Wow. That really makes me feel so much better." Logan said sarcastically. "But really, she kissed him and I have no right to be angry, really. So I don't know why I am? For God's sake, this isn't even a real marriage. So..." Shit.

"Not a real marriage?" Was it too late to take back? "What did you do?"

"I am just- it is nothing. Forget it."

"It is not nothing. Wait. You, get in your car and drive to my dad's office. We are freaking talking about this. Now."

"I don't want to come."

"Stop being a belligerent and whiny little brat. Get in your damn car. Or I am calling Emma and El right now."

"Don't call them. I won't hear the freaking end of it if they find out. Coming." Logan said as he stood up. He walked past Alex's room and it was quiet. He wondered if she was sleeping. She didn't even eat.

"I am going out. You should eat something." He felt like he was talking to the door. She remained silent.

Logan grabbed his keys and one of the cookie that was always there since Alex and drove away.

When he reached Daniel's office, he was dictating something to his PA. He looked up and waved at Logan. "Sit, Logan. Mark, it is almost done. You can call dad with the rest of it."

"You can continue. I can wait." Logan said to Daniel. "It is a surprise you are even working."

"Yeah, dad is sick with stomach bug or something and I thought I can help him out. Alex said I have to be a little more responsible."

"Oh yeah, we can't say no to Alex now, can we?" Logan said sarcastically as he grabbed a book and regretted it the moment he realized it was another trashy tabloid with Leo and Alex on it. He scanned the article with his heart pounding against his rib cage.

Fuck this. He thought and threw it away

"So, start from the beginning. What nonsense is that? Fake marriage?" Daniel's voice was mocking. "God. Only you."

"That is all some nonsense I came up with. We have signed a contract and all that and it is only for a year--" Logan told Daniel about how he met Alex and how they started this ruse to pretend to be a couple. "And suddenly she is saying she loves me and all this shit and I don't know-"

"Freaking shut up." Daniel cut him off. "You are an idiot. What the hell did you do?"

"What I thought I must do."

"Did Stacie say no to your proposal? Did you find Alex to pretend to be your wife because you are so worried about what everyone would think? Freaking fantastic."

"How-how did you know that?"

"God. You are a stupid asshole. I don't know what to say to you right now. I would really like to punch you in your nose." Daniel scowled at him.

"So Alex said yes to your insane proposal, but why?"

"Because she needed the money to file a lawsuit to get her dad's company back."

"And?"

"And it was all going great. Until she kissed this bastard and now she is saying she is in love with me and I don't know what to say to that. It is confusing. I don't want her to love me." He said with a tired frown.

"Is it okay if she loved Leo?"

"Why the hell would she do that?" He gritted her teeth.

"Because Leo loves her?"

"He doesn't love her. He is just a stupid bastard who loves to kiss other men's wives."

"Your wife, fake wife, to be exact. So why do you even care?"

"I just-it is the contract. I don't care."

"Oh, hilarious." Daniel chuckled. "Logan, man, do you want to know what I think? I think you should go back to her and tell her you love her."

"I-I don't think-"

"Don't think, Logan. Just don't. You are the smartest man I know, but right this moment, I feel like you are also the stupidest one I ever know."

"I can't lie to her about this and I really don't want to hurt her."

"It isn't a lie if you really love her, Logan. Get that inside your dumb head, dude."

"You know how love is all messy and painful and I can't- I don't want to be hurt or in love and Barbara-"

"Stop talking about Barbara, because Barbara isn't the reason for any of this. You are. Barbara is long gone and your father, oh God, he is so freaking happy, he is happy with Beth. Emma and Eliza are happy, too. They moved onm I don't know why you are still so hung up on fucking Barbara. Why won't you move on? You are fine, Logan, but only you won't believe that."

"I saw her." Logan said.

"Who?"

"Barbara?"

"God. Shit, shit. When? Where?"

"Here. She is here. I mean, in the city. I saw her when I went to pick up a ring."

"So, how is she?"

"I don't know. I don't want to know. She is nothing to me."

"I hope you are hearing to yourself right now. She is nothing. So why are you still letting her affect your life? As you said, she is nothing, Logan. You can't make decisions based on someone who is a stranger to you. Who is nothing to you."

"But I -"

"You know what, I think I am calling Eliza and Emma. I don't think I can talk some damn sense in to you."

"Don't you dare."

"Go back home. Think. And do something about this, or I promise I will call your sisters. And Beth, if I have to."

Logan frowned at his friend and stood up. "Bye Daniel and don't do anything stupid." He said before he walked out with a frown.

He drove around in his car for a while, until night fell over the twilight hours --he could still remember how Alex loved twilight, how she said it was filled with hope and beauty--before he finally decided to go back home.

She was there, sitting in the table, eating something when he walked in. She looked calm, peaceful, except he could see the redness in her puffy eyes. It made his heart wrench.

He looked at her and she gave him a small smile. His heart felt like it would burst open.

She waved to him. "Here, I made you dinner, too." She said, without looking him in the eyes.

He hesitated before he walked to her. He sat down. He knew they couldn't go back, but for now, he was glad to just sit opposite to her and eat the cheesy pasta she made.

The silent was overwhelming, but they both sat and finished their plate.

He popped opened a button, but he still felt like he was suffocating.

She washed the dishes and put it aside.

"Alex."

"I am feeling sleepy." She said. "Goodnight, Logan."

It felt like she was saying goodbye. His stomach churned as he watched her walk away.

___

Me: So, I suppose, you are going to do this?

Logan: I don't want to hurt her, but I can't let her hurt me, either.

Me: That is your excuse. *scoffs*

Logan: Laugh all you want, but you know she can hurt me. My heart felt like someone was ripping it right out of my chest when I saw her and Leo. I can't allow myself to feel like that. I can't love her and give her that power over me.

Me: She already has that power over you. So you *Beep. Beep. Beep.* Stay happy. *walking away*

Me: Tell me your thoughts🤔💭

___

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