25. Confrontations, promises and healings

The way your eyes flit away from me whenever you lie to me-- it is their way of being almost honest. -Alex.

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25. Confrontations, promises and healings

(Alexandra)

Two days. Two long days. Alex was holed up in her room and Logan, Logan was still so busy he didn't have time.

Busy running around with Stacy. She thought with vengeance.

This morning, she woke up again, feeling groggy and miserable and irritated. She hadn't sleep much since the day they fought with each other and even when she slept, she dreamed --it was mostly nightmares--of Logan leaving her before the year was over.

She had wanted an year with him. If it made her a greedy person, so be it, but she needed that year, needed it like a fish needed water to survive.

Now it looked like she might never get it.

The morning looked bleak and dull and it looked like the sun was lethargic, as well. The usual bright rays were almost a vane shadow through her curtains. She opened her eyes as she stretched under her cover and closed it again with irritation. She didn't want a wet, gloomy day to add to her misery.

She wanted sunshine. She needed it to get out of her bed and get going. But even the weather was not on her side today.

He lied. She thought for the millionth time in two day, as she burrowed further into her blanket. The soft wool slid over her body, like a comfortable cuddling partner. For one night, he had been her cuddling partner. And it was all over before it had even properly started.

He lied, as he looked into my eyes.

She had asked, didn't she? She had decided to give him a chance to come out to her. To tell her the truth. Instead, he looked right into her eyes, without even blinking and said he was meeting a client.

A client would not wear a low cut, sexy black dress for a meeting. She would not paint an obnoxious red on her lips --maybe she would, but that wasn't the point. The point was that it was Stacy and it was a date. Or it was more, more than just a date.

And as if lying to her was not enough, he poked at her right exactly where it would hurt. He knew it would hurt, he knew it would embarrass her, paralyze her from saying anything.

Virgin. Inexperienced.

He had laughed at her, mocking her ineptitude in bed with such cruel casualness that it made doubt ripping through her heart.

Didn't he enjoy me like I enjoyed him? Was he just patronizing me because I was a pathetic girl, ready to give up her virginity to him and because he felt sorry for me?!

She wondered whether he ever enjoyed making love to her or he was simply indulging her. And faking it. The thought was like a pinprick of nasty, nasty doubt on her head and all over her itching skin.

Don't kid yourself. He had said as he looked into her eyes. Fun for a night. Fun. Fun. Don't kid yourself.

She could hear his voice ringing inside, like an echo, unwanted and uninvited, it rang inside her head in a loop. She shook her head as if she wanted to dislodge her mind and her thoughts, but it wouldn't go away. It was stuck.

I am a man. You are so inexperienced. Fun for a night. He had said to her without even blinking an eye.

If it was his idea of revenge, it worked, better than he would have ever considered. If it wasn't, and if it was the truth, it still worked.

Thinking about it made her feel ashamed, so small. And she hated that it made her feel like this. She had never been the one who let one person affect her life and alter it from where she had wanted it to go. But here she was, always, always letting Logan before her own desire and design and that wasn't right.

The feminist part of her was scornful and it was rolling its eyes with disdain. But she couldn't help it. It was kind of unexpected, this feeling, this need to put him in the forefront, but it happened. So... That was that.

But she would make sure it didn't happen again.

She peeled the blanket off with her jaws set and eyes determined, as she stood up.

"Stop being so morose. So what if he is a stupid jerk? You have your own life to live. So stop being a coward and stop thinking about him." She said to someone who looked almost like her --but with hair that was plundered by raccoons, eyes that were swollen to the point of impossibility, cheeks that were streaked with dark eyeliner line-- before she grabbed a thick towel and walking towards the bathroom. Today she would wash it all off. The grime of his words. The dust of her remnant love. Maybe.

She stepped inside the bathroom, turned the knob all the way to hot and stood under the spraying water, praying the hot water would cleanse the shame written on her skin.

When the water turned cold, she felt like a shriveled prune. She dried her hair and body before she pulled out a red cotton blouse and a skirt.

She could hear him getting ready to go out. She sat in her bed and waited for him to go away, looking at the exaggerated tick tick of the clock above her bed.

After a while, she heard an engine roar to life and she stood up with a relieved sigh. She couldn't wait anymore. Her stomach was rumbling in a weird way that made her feel like that something alien was inside her and it wasn't a nice feeling.

She padded softly along the Ruby red carpet along the upstairs' long hallway before she stepped down and stopped on her way.

He was still here. So the car? Whose car was that?

She watched as he jerked up in his couch before he folded the paper in front of him in neat square.

Pretend. Ignore. Repeat. Do it all over again.

She moved past him and grabbed a pack of bread, a tub of butter and sugar before she moved to the table. She put it all down and started to spread the butter like she was operating on something life-threatening. She could hear him stand up. She wasn't looking, but she knew he was standing there, staring at her. Maybe it was because she was so attuned to him for so long.

Not anymore. She said sternly as she took a bite of her bread, not before cutting the corners off.

"I-Alex-I..." She looked up without showing any feelings. Her eyes were clear as she looked at him. He gulped. Looked around.

"Don't say any more. It wouldn't mean anything to me. So..." She was grateful that her voice held. But her heart was not. It was shaking violently inside her rib cage, like a wild beast, ready to come out.

"I was going to apologize to you, finally, Alexandra, but the heck with it. I wasn't the only one who did wrong. Seeing you like this, so arrogant and smug --like you didn't do anything wrong, that is not how it is supposed to go. I will apologize when you do." He gave her a careless shrug.

She refused to back off. She didn't do anything wrong. She was just being furious and lashing out on him because he had lied to her.

But he did not know that, did he now? He didn't know because you didn't tell him. It was that voice in her that always took Logan's side, no matter what he did or didn't.

How could she fight with her feelings, when her enemy was her own subconscious mind. And the dang thing was supposed to be on her side, to take her side, but it never as hell did that.

Furious with the traitorous mind, she glared up at him. He was the reason for it all. He was the one who turned her own mind against her.

Does that really make sense to you? The damn voice snickered. She ignored it. It could mock her all it wanted, but she wasn't going to go insane and go rampage on it.

"I wasn't the one who used your sexual prowess to humiliate you." She said as she looked up at him, her eyes challenging him to refute her claims. He didn't. Instead he stared at her with something in his eyes and nodded. In acceptance. That is good. She thought, but then he had to go and open his mouth.

"I did. But you knew what you did too. You said something that would - oh God, you don't get it, do you?" He ran his fingers through his neatly gelled hair and a lock flopped down his forehead. "I thought you are different, but-" He shook his head and looked at her, his eyes filled with something close to despair, as if he was disappointed in her or something. His eyes were dejected as he looked at her and it made her spine stiffer still and straighter. It felt like her body was made of brittle glass and he was hammering against it with his breaking words. First came pain and hurt, but it was soon replaced with fury. Again. Fury was easier.

Her blood boiled. She felt hot spurt of anger and rage, the twin emotion surging through her. How dare he turn it all against her? How dare he stand there as he pointed an accusing finger directly at her face.

"Don't you dare put this all on me." She shook as she whisper yelled at him.

"Not all. But half. You made me angry and I- I said things I shouldn't have. But the point is we were both angry and we said things..."

"Yeah? Whatever. I don't care anymore. This wasn't supposed to be anything more. This was supposed to be a business deal. It was stupid to get involved, even physically. It was a blunder. We should just forget we are ever more than what we are. We are strangers and that is that." She said with unwavering resolve.

She was almost sure that was the only way to survive this free fall. To become strangers again.

"We are not strangers. We will never be. I know you, all of you." His eyes were potent and consuming.

"And my inexperience. Yes, you know that."

"Stop putting words in my mouth, Alex. I am trying to make up with you here, not fight more. It had been two damn days and you never even try."

"You have a strange way of saying sorry that I was momentarily dazed and confused by your apology. Now I am waking up. So go on." She said, her voice reeking of sarcasm.

This is fun, she thought with derision.

"I am not saying sorry anymore, not when you don't feel an ounce of regret. Not when you aren't giving an inch."

She shrugged. "I know. I said I don't care. So? If you are done, can I go now?" She said. "Oh, and I will be late tonight. So don't wait up, if you are planning to." She added as an afterthought.

"Why?"

"I am going out."

"Where? Who?"

"No offense, but it is none of your business."

"It is my business when you are staying in my home. So... Who? Where?"

She looked at him grudgingly. He looked angry and she felt vindictive.

"With Leo."

"Why? Why the hell are you going out late with him? Did you freaking lose your mind?"

He was making her angry with all the nagging questions. Angrier and angrier, as each passing minutes with him was cutting her somehwere deep inside and she was angry at herself for falling for him and putting herself through all this knotty, twisty feelings.

"Because he is my friend and maybe he will teach me how not to be inexperienced and how to handle a man. And maybe he will not throw that at my face two days later." She spat, feeling spiteful, but the minute she heard what she had just said, she wanted to cut the Earth and bury herself inside.

It wasn't like her. Not at all. She wasn't the one who was all dark and gray and hurricane. If anything, she was mostly violet and purple and sea breeze.

But Logan, Logan brought out all the dark things inside her, freeing the demons, snapping her bridles. He made her be everything she had never thought as possible.

"What the hell did you just say?" He growled as he took a step closer to her.

He looked mad. Enraged. His eyes was thunder and lightning and his face was dark. A vein in his forehead throbbed as he grabbed her arms.

Alexandra had never been a coward. She prided herself for being brave and wise, but now she felt stupid and she was really scared.

You have gone too far this time. Too damn far. Her mind whispered, devoid of mockery. It sounded serious.

Shit, shit. She thought as he pulled her closer.

She bit her teeth. Her arm was getting sore with how hard he was gripping it.

"Let go." She gritted out.

He did let go as if she disgusted him, as if he couldn't bear touching her anymore. She stumbled back before she steadied herself.

His face was blank, a mask of indifference and his eyes were still and calm, a waveless see. Like solid steel.

It made her flinch. She could take his anger. But this indifference, this calm composure, she couldn't.

She did tell him that they were better off strangers, but now that he acted like this, she knew how wrong she was. She couldn't take this, take days of not laughing with him, not smiling at him, not sharing stupid jokes and stories.

"Logan-" This time she was the one who was begging. And he was the one who turned his back on her. And she couldn't bear that. She had always prided herself as strong, but this one time, she wasn't. Not strong enough.

She walked to him, hesitantly and hugged him from the back, around his stomach. She could feel his body going ramrod straight. Like iron. And she wished he would melt. She wished he could.

"I saw you with Stacy." She whispered as a single tear dripped down her cheek. His body jerked and he took a deep breath.

"You saw that." It wasn't a question.

"I did. And I don't know, but it felt like -like-" She stopped. How could she explain it to him without telling him how she felt about him.

"You asked me two days ago and I lied." He said as he turned around and looked directly into her glistening eyes. Now his eyes weren't steel. Now they were warm and liquid and understanding as he rubbed a finger against her cheek.

"Yes. And it hurt and I was angry. I was so mad that I -" She looked down.

"You said things you didn't mean and then I did. And then you did." He hooked one finger under her chin and pulled her face up. "I am sorry."

"I am sorry, too."

"And I don't want to talk with Stacy or drink coffee with her, but I had to. I will tell you everything. But just give me a week or two. And then I promise I will tell you everything." He said as he grabbed her and hugged her closer to him. "Just trust me, okay. Can you do that?"

"Okay." She sighed the words into his neck. "Ok."

He pressed a kiss to her head. "God, I couldn't sleep at all. I couldn't. Please, if you ever want to ask me something, if you ever want to tell me something, ask me, tell me. If you want to be angry, be angry, but don't ever stop talking with me. I really can't- I just can't-" He stopped as his embrace became painfully stronger. But she didn't complain, because she knew how it felt to be alone in her room, alone and angry at him and sad.

You love him. So it makes sense. But why does he feel like that? Knock, knock, any idea?

Did he love me, as well? She thought and wished the stupid pestering voice would answer her.

But it stayed quiet.

***

(Logan)

His hands were rubbing against her back on their own. He loved the way her soft body fit around his, love the way her breath was ragged and hot on his skin.

He closed his eyes and put his chin over her head, and he wanted to stay right here. He never wanted to leave or go to work. Or do anything else.

"Why?" She asked after a minute. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

He was surprised when she whispered the words so softly, as if she was talking to herself.

"Because you are my best friend." He said as he pulled her away and looked at her.

"Oh, yeah, best friend." She said. Was that mockery in her voice and her eyes?

"What?" He asked.

"Nothing. So, do you do this with all your best friend." She slapped his hand which was now resting on her ass. He flushed before he took it away.

"But you are also my wife."

"Fake wife." She said and it irritated him. How she almost always reminded him of that, fake, fake, as if she didn't want him to forget it for a moment. As if she was sure he would forget if she didn't remind him of that.

He did forget it, often, but did she have to so stringently remind it to him everyday?

"Shut up." He said as he pulled her closer and planted a quick kiss on her lips. She gasped before her eyelids drooped. He pressed a kiss to her closed eyes. "Shut up." He whispered again as he bent down and kiss her on her lips again.

"Ok. For now." She said. But before he could kiss her deeply, a honk interrupted them. She jumped apart.

"That must be Leo." She said and then looked down, her cheeks flushed. "I really have to go now. But, but forget everything I said before. He is just a good friend." She said as she looked everywhere except him.

"I don't like it, you know, not at all, but you are your own woman and I would never tell you to do anything just because I don't like it. So..."

"Ah, so generous." She smiled. "I will be late tonight because I am going to Leo's recording studio. He wanted a friend there."

"You are not his only friend and he knows you for how long?"

"A month and some. Only a little lesser than you met me and you call me your best friend. So?" She gave him a challenging look and he conceded.

"Okay, okay." He said before he pulled her to him, again. "But I am planning on waiting." He said and she kissed him on his cheeks.

"I would want you to. I am sorry again."

"I am sorry, as well. And Alex, just to make sure, I enjoyed our night. More than I have ever enjoyed anyone. If you hadn't told me and if I hadn't seen you, I would have never believed I was your first. So..." He stopped and winked at her. "I want it again and again and again. Until you stop wanting it, because I would never. Stop. Wanting." He pressed a kiss against her earlobe and she shivered before she pulled away. He smirked at her and she swatted at his chest.

Her cheeks were flushed a beautiful red and he didn't want to let her go with Leo Shine. He didn't want to go and meet Stacie. He wanted to stay right here with Alex, just the two of them and make love and talk and joke with her.

God, you are becoming sappy.

He did, but somehow it didn't bother him. Because this was Alex, his Alex, his best friend, and it was okay. It would be okay. She wasn't just anyone.

"Bye." She said.

"Bye. I really don't know why you have to go with him." He grumbled.

"You just said you wouldn't stop me because I am my own woman."

"I wouldn't stop you, but that doesn't mean I can't complain to you." He smirked as she picked her bag. She shook her head and waved at him.

"See you at night." She said.

"And Alex, today, we are sleeping in my room. Or yours. But together."

She gave him a scowl before she walked away, leaving him looking at her back with a smile so -

Sappy? Dreamy? Or trancey?

His voice supplied.

"Trance-y is not a word." He muttered as she turned back to look at him with her magical green eyes that put him in a stupor whenever she looked.

Those eyes are illegal.

___

Me: Finally. God. You two are the most adamant, most stubborn people I have ever seen in my life.

Alex: We are not stubborn. It is all your fault.

Logan: Yes, your fault. *Logan pointing an accusing finger at my face 👉* your fault.

Me: What? Now you two are ganging up on me? That is not fair.

Alex: it is fair. You, woman, you are cruel. You are making our lives difficult--

Logan: Just because you are angry at something else. And you made us fight like that and say hurtful things to each other-

Alex: and you think this is right? It is not.

Me: Stop. Stop. I can't take it anymore. I will come back tomorrow when you two are fighting with each other and not with me. *rolling my 👀 and 🏃💨💨 away.*

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Love.💞 Fathy!

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