24. Old Girlfriends and new wounds

I don't know why, but I will do everything and anything in my power, for you, to see you just smile. - Logan

~~~

24. Old Girlfriends and new wounds

(Alexandra)

"Are you okay?" A voice asked, ripping through her foggy brain and pulled her out of her trance.

She jerked up in her seat as she heard him talk. She had totally forgotten she was with Leo, cooped up inside a car. She had forgotten that she wasn't alone, that she couldn't let her emotions out when she was in the presence of someone else. She forgot. All she could think about was them.

The blood red mug. The steaming coffee as smoke swirled out in a slow, seductive dance. Logan --her Logan. Stacy. His Stacy?

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop the image from creeping inside her, from torturing her. From plaguing her with doubts and heart breaks. And grief.

What is he doing with her? Is he going back to her?

Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe she was just imagining the worst case scenario, but it was there -- the doubt. The vines of doubts tangling around her heart, branching around her windpipe and crushing her. She couldn't breathe properly.

She wasn't naive or a romantic --she was a realist-- and she had always known that her love for him was homeless and hopeless, that it only had a murky, fuzzy future, or no future at all. But still...

Somewhere deep inside her crazy heart, there was a small ember of hope, burning, still alive. Still thrumming, hoping. Hoping for a miracle. Though the light of the ember was dim, it was light. It kept the darkness at bay. And then she saw them. Seeing him with Stacie was like a heavy downpour, fast and furious and the small ember flickered off. It was snuffed out by the man she loved so dearly, so hopelessly. Now, she could the ember dying, leaving her in the empty void of blackness.

Dark. So dark. So depressing.

I am not going to cry. She thought as she blinked her tears in. Swallowed the big lump of distress with brave face. Leo was still next to her and he was still waiting for her to answer him. She turned to him and gave him a fake, fake smile, which felt so wrong on her lips. So difficult.

"I am good." She lied through her teeth. She wasn't. She couldn't be good.

He gave her a doubtful look. "Are you sure? You look like you have just seen a ghost." He said as his concerned eyes searched her face.

Yes. A ghost. A Ghost of Logan's past. She had just seen it with him and only now, the ghost wasn't just his past. It was here. It was Present.

Stop. Maybe there is nothing between them. Maybe they ran into each other and were being civilized and grown up. Maybe it is nothing like this thing you are building up in your head. Give him the benefit of doubt.

"It is nothing." She said, hoping he wouldn't pester her, as Leo stopped the car in front of the massive grilled gate.

She pressed the remote for the gate and the door groaned open to reveal the majestic house sitting in the green lawn, dotted with crowns of colorful flowers. Logan's house. Artfully built, with the hands of an artist. His hands.

She had always thought it as her house from the moment she walked in and fell in love with the place, but today, today she couldn't call it hers. Not theirs. It was his. It had always been. She was an idiot to call it otherwise.

Stupid, stupid girl. Stupid of you to feel like this is your new home! It is NOT. It will never be. She thought as a deep frown marred her face.

Leo drove inside the long gravel path and stopped the car in the driveway before he turned to look at her with a small smile.

"You know what, don't worry too much. Maybe this things that made you look like that, may be it is not as big as you imagined. So..." He gave her a cheerful nod. "So cheer up, Alex." He said.

She slid off the car seat, stepped out and bent down to look at him through the window, a small smile on her lips. "Maybe. Thanks, Leo. So, you wanna come inside?" She asked, hoping, pleading that he would say yes. She didn't want to go inside to the emptiness and go insane thinking about Logan and Stacie. The prospect of it was mindblowingly stressful.

Please say yes. I need you to come inside and distract me. I can't go inside, to his house, where I can remember him everywhere --with me-- not alone.

But oblivious to her dilemma, Leo shook his head, looking apologetic. "I am so sorry. I would love to come in, but I really have to go and finish this song or Trish will hunt me down, cut me into pieces as she had promised me and then FedEx me to Meredith. So... Another time?" He smiled up at her, looking hopeful. His blue eyes shone shone in the sunlight.

She felt like someone had carelessly poked a needle inside a balloon -- her balloon. She sighed. "Another time. Go on and finish your song." He waved her goodbye and she watched as the car peeled off and vanished from her sight.

She didn't want to go inside the massive house standing there menacingly. She hesitated on the side walk as she stared at the door like it was a ticking time bomb or something equally sinister.

She really didn't want to stay alone, cooped up inside the house, where it smelled and looked like Logan, with her paranoid thoughts running amok inside her, filtering inside her mind, filling her with bad feelings.

She didn't want to stay alone with her thoughts as the only company. She would go insane. And she would rather stay sane.

At least half sane. Because the other half is already insane. She thought as she walked towards the bench at the side of a bougenvilla tree. The tree was still so young, and its head was adorned with crowns of pink papery flowers. It looked aloof and beautiful. Majestic.

She sat down the bench and pried her phone from inside her bag.

She didn't know what she was doing until she heard the ringing on the other side and then the familiar voice greeted her. Alex sighed as she closed her eyes.

"Hey Alex, how are you?"

"Stella. Hi." Alex said as she tried to absorb as much of Stella's warmth as she could from such distance. For the thousandth time this month, she wished Stella was here.

"Is everything okay?" Stella asked, her voice loaded with concern.

Alex never knew how Stella could do this, but she could. And Alex really wanted to tell Stella everything, from the moment she met Logan up until now. But she couldn't break the contract, she couldn't do that to him even if he did this to her.

Maybe he didn't do anything. Maybe your imagination is running wild.

"I just wanted to hear your voice. God. I miss you so much." Alex said as she closed her eyes.

"Oh God, Alex, I miss you, too. I really want to come back. God. I miss home. Did I say I miss you. And trust me, this has been fun, but I can not wait to come back home. I can't. I am so tired." Stella did sound tired.

Stella, who made bleak and dreary things alive with her bubbly personality sounded tired. Stella, who lived for parties and world tours sounded tired, and wanted to come home and Alex pinched her nose, worried.

"Everything alright, Stells?" She asked, her voice laced with love and concern.

"Yes, it is. Alright. But this feels like forever, babe, so long. Trust me, I love this, I love tasting new cuisine and enjoying new culture, but I am so homesick. I am Alex-sick. I miss my bestie." Stella said with a deep sigh and Alex snorted.

"It is forever, you know, since I have seen you. " Alex replied grudgingly and Stella chuckled.

"I will make it up to you." Stella promised.

"Make sure you do." Alex said as she watched a pink flower fluttered down from the top of the tree and rested on her lap. It was wilted and the side of its faded pink had crinkles of paper brown, a stamp of death and decay. As it died, the tree stood proud in its glory and welcomed another new bud, a new bloom. A new life.

No one would miss this one. No one would remember as it went back to Earth. As it walked away.

"Wait, what are you doing talking to me during your honeymoon? It is your honeymoon. Why aren't you busy ripping sheets and your husband?" Stella asked with a tint of worry, even as she tried to sound cheerful.

"Oh, he is outside doing something, he is a workaholic, and I was bored. So..." Alex said as she picked the flower in her palm and closed it inside.

I won't forget you. She put the flower inside her bag. I will remember you.

"So you call me only when you are bored?" Stella huffed.

"Of course, yes." Alex said with a chuckle and Stella growled. "Okay, babe. I will let you go, but come back soon."

"Oh, I am coming back. Soon. I have to." Stella said as she hung up. Alex watched the dead screen for a minute before she pushed it inside the bag and stood up.

She walked to the pool house, her steps determined and stripped before she jumped inside the cool water. With a splash, the icy blue water accepted her inside its watery embrace. She sighed and turned to her back and floated to nothingness.

It was beautiful, the painting of nature over the sunset skies. Through the glass roof above, she could see the oranges and pinks and violets mixed with tints of azure blue and a slight slide of gray.

Gray like his eyes. Beautiful, beautiful eyes.

She tried, she really tried to stop thinking, thinking about him, to just be empty, and after a while it was almost possible. She could almost stop thinking of them and the bloody mug. And his eyes.

God. The image was seared inside her brain. Like a damn tattoo on her nerve cells.

Stupid. Stop thinking. Stop. Don't start it again.

The water lapped against her skin, almost lazily and she drifted. Like a log lost in the stream. She loved how the evening setting sun was golden warm over the cold water, how the trellis and creepers on the side made this place feel like a secluded Haven.

This was another one of Logan's masterpiece. His brain was a wonderland. His body, as well. A small smirking voice added with a wicked smile. And his thingy.

"Logan. Logan. Freaking Logan. Stop thinking about him. Stop thinking about his brain or body. Especially, stop thinking about his thingy." She shouted over the sky.

Irritated and angry with herself, she walked out of the pool, soggy and wet and cold, picked a white towel, and wrapped it over her wet underwear and picked up her dress from the floor, before she turned around and left the pool.

The wind was chilly on her already cold skin, but it was a welcoming chill. She cherished it as she walked all the way to the house and opened the door and then screamed. Her bag and clothes fell to the floor with a thud.

"Why are you screaming? God, you have one hell of a voice." He said as he looked at her with his shining eyes and then the eyes turned dark as he took her in. Took her half naked state. She saw as they transformed. Slowly. Like a stormy cloud. Swirling with the coming disaster. It was all consuming.

"What the hell." She muttered as she glared up at him and felt a shiver running through her bones, as his intense eyes looked her up and down, a lascivious smile on his plump lips. His eyes smoldered as he took a step closer to her. He licked his lips as if he couldn't wait to take a bite of her. She gulped nervously.

What the hell was that look?

Hunger. Yes. His eyes were hungry.

She wanted to take a step back. She wanted to turn around and run away.

She wanted to turn back the needless of time and say no when he asked her to become his wife. Fake wife.

But no. She couldn't. She wouldn't.

She felt frozen in place. Trapped in time and him. Like someone had poured buckets of wet cement over her and asked it to set around her. Like someone had stolen the batteries of all the clocks around her the moment she said yes to his lunatic plan.

She was unmoving as he came closer to her, she was frozen as his fingers grabbed the towel and pulled her to him, she was shocked from the sensations as his hands wound around her hips to bring her closer. And closer to his waiting body.

She was frozen. Her brain, her blood, her heart, everything was frozen inside her. And he was slowly thawing her. With his touch. His breath.

"God. You are so beautiful." He licked his lips and it was like the wake up call she needed.

She pressed her palms against his chest and pushed. It looked like he didn't expect it. It looked like he was expecting her to dance to his tune --tough luck, mate-- because he staggered back and his hands fell away.

He looked up at her quizzically and his eyes searched her face for a moment before he nodded his head. "You are angry." He said, looking confused. "Oh, you are angry." He said again and this time, he looked amused. "You are so angry."

Alex wanted to kick him, instead she gave him a derisive look. "Do you have short time memory loss or something? You said the same damn thing for three times already and I heard it. Loud and clear. I am not freaking angry." She said as she stepped away from his warmth.

"Oh, don't worry, babe. I won't bite." He said sarcastically as she turned her back.

Her spine went stiff. She stopped and turned around to see him with a gloating smile on his stupidly handsome face.

"You think I am afraid of you?" She stood taller and straighter. "Do you really think that?"

Of course, she was hurt and angry and yes, jealous, but she wasn't a coward. Even Logan couldn't make her a coward. Never.

"Aren't you?" He asked smugly. "Isn't that why your are running away?"

"I am not running away. I have to change my clothes. So I am walking, like a normal human being would walk, to my room." It was a wonder her voice was steady. Her legs weren't.

"Alexandra, Alexandra." He sounded indulgent as he gave her a smirk. "You are so afraid." He said in a patronizing tone. "But why now? You loved it the first time. And the second. And the third."

"Condescending jerk." She muttered as she bent down to pick up her bag and she could feel the chill air on her back through the parted towel and he groaned aloud.

She think she heard him say, shit.

He didn't look so smug anymore. Or gloating. There was only fire in his eyes now, sizzling fire.

She wasn't going to touch. Not anymore. She didn't want to get burnt.

"Two days ago, you are all over me and now- you are stepping away. Why is that? If you are not afraid-" He paused and gave her a look. "You really are angry. So Tom is right."

"What the hell Tom got to do with anything?" She asked as she crossed her arms around herself, in an attempt to warm herself up. She was almost freezing, standing there half-naked, with just a towel. But Logan looked like he wasn't finished talking yet.

Freaking fantastic. Of all the days, today is the day he wants to be chatty. She groaned inside as she glowered at him.

"You really wanted to go to Seychelles, eh?"

Alex's eyes widened with doubt and wonder. Seychelles. God. She didn't know where they were planning to go before the phone call interrupted their honeymoon, but knowing that he booked a trip to Seychelles was- was like a slap and a pat. Both.

"Don't look like that. I knew you love beaches and love your privacy. Stella said you had always wanted to go to Seychelles. So..." He said with a shrug.

Would this man voluntarily choose to hurt her?

Maybe not. Just maybe.

It is good. You know, you should think like that. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

But it all felt like excuses she was giving herself.

***

(Logan)

She is angry.

He didn't know why it made him giddy, but it made him giddy.

She was angry that they didn't go away. It meant she cared. It meant she wasn't indifferent to him.

For the first time in his life, Logan was happy that Tom was right.

The feeling pulsing inside him was equal parts lust and tenderness.

Her eyes glowered as she looked at him. "Now I am angry. I didn't know it was Seychelles, but now... I am really angry." She gritted her teeth and shook her head.

Her wet hair dripped down her shoulders, curling brown mess at the sides of her flushed face, sticking to her bare shoulders. Her cheeks were red with blush, a byproduct of cold. At that moment, he saw her shiver and he grabbed his coat from the couch and wrapped it around her.

"It is easier if you just let me go change my clothes in peace without taunting me." She scowled at him as she shook her head.

"But this is more interesting. I prefer you like this." He said as he hungrily took in her body. He didn't miss a single part as his eyes traced and teased her half exposed skin. It was tantalizing, giving peeks of what was hiding underneath.

He could see her hair on the hands raised in goosebumps, didn't know whether it was the cold wind or his eyes. Maybe it was both.

Her neck was long and slender and as he watched, the paleness turned to rushing red. God. She was marvellous. The way she reacted to him, so innocently and also wantonly, it was like a drug. Addictive and he was sure it took a lot more than rehabilitation to cure him off this drug. This she drug.

"I don't." She grumbled as she flushed a bit more.

His eyes caressed every peaks and panes of her slightly round body. The towel reached only halfway to her thigh and showed tantalizing sneaks of her legs. Long, long legs. He could imagine them wrapped around him as he made her scream his name out.

"I am sorry we can't go." He really was. He wouldn't have come back if it wasn't important.

He was excited, as well, to go to a beautiful place with his beautiful wife and spend every beautiful day making sexy, dirty and beautiful love to her. With her.

So when the phone call came, he was disappointed, as well. But he couldn't stay, couldn't go away, not knowing how this was going to be and so he had to come back.

"Hmm. Yeah. I can see how sorry you are." She quipped and he gave her a bewildered look. She really did look angry, but now he had doubts.

"Are you angry we can't go or is this something else?"

Women are bizarre creatures. He had his share of women in his life, from his sisters to his mom, and he knew when one said fine more than one time, they weren't fine. And he knew they get angry for unimaginable things.

"You see, I would really love to go in a lengthy debate with you, right now, but even your coat is not doing a proper job of keeping me warm. So, my Lord, can I go now? " She gave him a sarcastic look. Her voice was dripping with fake sweetness and her smile was too sugary, too phony.

"I can keep you warm." He winked and she threw her tee-shirt at him and he ducked with a smile. "God, don't abuse me."

"Oh, you think this is abuse? I would love to throw the rolling pin and pans at you, right now. But I am going to be mature and walk away." She gave him a freezing look and it almost scared him.

Chilly. He thought as he thoughtfully looked at her. She did look angry, but somehow he was beginning to doubt it was for missing their honeymoon. What then? What did I do? He thought as she turned away from him. And walked away.

He let her go.

After twenty minutes, when he realized she wasn't going to come back outside, he walked to her door and knocked.

He could hear her soft foot steps and her softer sigh as she opened the door. She was wearing a long gown made of soft fabric and it hung loose over her body, but still she looked like sin. Like pleasure. He hadn't had the pleasure of her body for two days, because he was busy running after Stacie --that woman is like a headache that won't go-- but today he wanted Alex. Again. Like he had her on their first night together.

But... It looked like this was not the right time.

"What?" She snapped and he almost wanted to take a step back. Instead he pushed the mug in front of her, filled with steaming hot chocolate he made for her.

Her face contorted as she stared at the red mug.

"No thanks. I don't-" She said as she tried to close the door. He grabbed the handle, pushed it and walked inside the room and he could hear her curse as she slammed it shut

"Tell me what I did?" He said and she looked like she was contemplating his question, and he knew when she decided against it.

"Can I ask you something?" She said after a minute of stretching tension. He nodded yes.

"I called you this evening. Tom said you left. Where were you?" She asked and he shook his head.

"I was out. On a business meeting. With a client." He lied. It made him feel guilty, but he had to lie. Until everything was sorted out, he had to lie.

He watched with frustration as she turned cold in front of him.

The shutters to her eyes came down. The green in them became darker and the gold specks --the one that shone like stars whenever she was happy -- because dimmer. It was like a physical barricade. A tall wall, and as he watched, she built it until it was secure around her. Until it forced him to take a step back.

She gave him a cool look. It made him colder all over. The truth was at the tip of his tongue.

Did she know? He thought, but how could she?

She wrinkled her brows. "Are you going now? I need to sleep."

"Alexandra? Come with me." He knew it was the wrong thing to say when he saw her eyes flash in rage. But he didn't know what else to do, didn't know how to appease her or to calm her down.

"You see, it was a one night package deal. One night stand. Whatever. I was so wrong that day and it was a mistake. It isn't going to happen again. It is not in the contract." She said, her voice clear and loud.

"Fuck the contract." He swore as he stood up from the bed before placing the mug with a thud on her side-table. The liquid sloshed and spilled around, making brown spots on the white table. A drop of hot chocolate burned his hand. He welcomed the small pain.

"What? Does this mean I can tell everyone that this is all fake and you will still pay me?" She looked different. This wasn't his Alex. His Alex had eyes that sparkled with life and innocence. His Alex laughed and even when she was angry, she never looked vile. Never looked like this. "Does this mean I can finally tell everyone that you are not man enough to accept rejection?" She looked spiteful as she said that. She looked so unlike Alex.

His patience snapped. He wanted to growl. He wanted to punch something.

Now, this was unexpected. Uncalled for. They had joked about it, joked about how he couldn't take rejection without being a sore loser, but this- this was the line she shouldn't cross. Nobody talked with him like that. Nobody.

"I can show you how much of a man I am, Alexandra, but you can't take it. You are so very inexperienced and it is all fun, for a night, but don't kid yourself with anything else." He scoffed as he stared straight at her.

It wasn't just fun. That night was everything. But she hurt him and he wanted to hurt her back. Hurt her just as much as she did.

It looked like the arrow pierced what he had aimed for. Her heart. She flinched.

Her eyes lost its cool and she stumbled back as if he had backhanded her. Her eyes filled and her lips trembled.

Now the arrow was back to his heart, piercing his skin. It ached. To see her like that.

"Get out." She said. "Get the hell out." She quivered like a leaf left alone in the winter night storm.

He regretted what he said, he did. He couldn't take it back.

"Alex..."

"Please." She whispered.

He turned and left.

~~~

Me::: aaahhh!