30. Orphan, again

single update for now. Just enjoy till the next update, because Sanaya and Ashar are together in this chapter.  From next chapter, another difficult phase will begin. Samara is still alive in this book, lol.

✸✸

Once my class was over, I gathered my things and put them in my bag. I ambled out of the classroom when my phone started ringing in my back pocket. It was Ryan. It had been now a week when I was practically living in a hospital and had not gone to the mansion.

"Sanaya, come over immediately." As soon as I put my phone on my ear, Ryan said. The hint of restlessness was there in his voice.

I froze on my spot, "Why? What happened?" I pressed my phone more to my ear so that I won't miss out his next response.

"They have shifted her to the ICU. Her blood pressure rose."

Heaviness in my stomach and the tingles on my arms started when I understood what he was trying to say. "I'll be there." I responded in a shaky voice.

With trembling hands, I pocketed my phone and ran outside. Aaron was there standing with his car as usual. I sat in the car quickly and he drove off in an instant.

Twenty minutes later, I reached to the hospital and scurried straight to the floor where ICU was. I could feel my heartbeat. Every single beat that was pounding against my chest; loud and clear. The pressure of them was so strong that my chest ached. I was scared. The strong fear was seizing me.

Ryan was there. He was the only one there right now. I darted to him, "What doctors are saying?" I breathed, "How's she?"

He grabbed my shoulders, "Calm down." He was unable to hide the hopelessness in his eyes, "Doctors are trying. She started having trouble in breathing."

I moved my one shoulder to let go of his hand and stepped back. I ran my hands in my hair and leaned back on the wall behind me. My throat tightened. My breaths were stuck there. I knew they were now going to come out with the sobs I was trying to hold. Tears burned my eyes. All of those physical reactions were an indication that my mind was foreseeing the dreadful truth.

I was not yet ready to accept the truth. I was not yet ready to let her go. I felt a tap on my shoulder. I didn't react to it because I couldn't. I was paralyzed.

"Mother was doing fine. What happened all of sudden?" It was Patricia's voice – fearful voice.

"I...I don't know." I replied lowly. She started crying. I could hear her loud weeps. That sound weakened the control on my tears. An involuntary whimper escaped my lips.

Mother's fragile body, her heavy breaths crossed my mind. I recalled how she looked like in previous days, how she was surrounded by machines and how weak she looked. My heart clenched at the realization that it would have been so hard for her to endure the pain. That knife-wound would've have been so painful.

After about fifteen minutes, a doctor came out of the ICU. Everyone surrounded him except me. I didn't move from my place. Emma was there too.

"How's sh-e now?" Patricia stuttered a question.

"I'm sorry." He gave a remorseful glance to all of us, "Due to the acute blood loss, we were unable to normalize her heart rate. Blood pressure dropped and eventually, the heart stopped functioning." He sighed, "She was very aged and weak. We tried our best, but the patient couldn't be able to stand longer."

Patricia and Emma both broke into tears. Ryan looked shocked and broken.

"This can't be true." Emma sniveled.

The woman, who taught me how to survive, showed me the glimpse of a real Mom had lost her battle of survival. I lost the only family I had. I became orphan again. Once again, I lost my parent. Hot torrents of grief coursed down my face. I knew a part of me died today with her.

💙

I spent two whole days at my foster home for mother's memorial service. During those two days I couldn't pay attention to anything, couldn't think about anything because I was not myself. I was drowned into my own misery. All I knew that Ashar attended her funeral. Melanie also came. But I didn't talk with anybody.

I was so consumed by my own trauma and sorrow that I didn't even remember how much or how long I had cried or how many people came to mother's funeral. I was numb and the moisture in my eyes didn't dry since that day. That's all I could recall, that all I remembered.

After her memorial service, I returned to the mansion because I could no longer stay at the foster home. That place was only reminding me the past memories that I had shared with mother. I thought the change of the environment could help me get better. Ryan went back to his home. He said he didn't have any reason left to stay here any longer. I felt the same way. I thought I had no reason left to visit the orphanage anymore. I used to go there to meet her.

Death is very unkind. It snatches our loved ones all of a sudden, without any prior notice. It doesn't even ask whether we are ready to let them go or not. I was not ready. I kept myself hopeful and thought it would pass. That phase would pass. But I had no idea that it would take away mother from me.

"It's a great loss for you, Sanaya." Melanie said.

I was lying on my bed. She was sitting beside me, trying to console me. It was a great shock indeed that broke me emotionally. I couldn't call myself emotionally strong anymore.

"I still can't believe she's not with me, with those children. You know she loved kids. She always used to say that I'm a mother to all the children who lives in the foster home." I mumbled.

My shoulders felt heavy, so heavy as if the weight of whole world was resting on them. I sat up.

"Those children will miss her a lot." She said. She came forward and offered me a hug. I accepted it and cried few tears.

"Yes, I'll miss her. It's so unfair to her – to me." I sniffled.

She patted my back, comforting me, "Be strong, Sanaya. Be strong for her."

I let go of her, "I'm trying."

💙

Later at night, when the negative thoughts corrupted my mind, I decided to go to the patio of the mansion with a thought that some fresh air and the night sky would give some solace to my heart. I wore a long, taupe cardigan over a tank top. The sleeves of that cardigan covered almost all of my hands, only my fingers were outside. I let my hair loose on my back and went out of my room.

The darkness of the night resembled to the darkness inside me. I stood still and let my mind to take me back to the previous years of my life when mother was alive. All the bittersweet memories related to my early schooling, early teens shuffled through my brain. Mother was a good person. She had spent almost all of her life taking care of those children who were left behind by their parents.

She tried her utmost to give them a new life, a new hope to start over and forget about their birth parents. Till last moment, she remained persistent to her one and only goal. Being empathetic towards others pain was the one and main thing I had learned and observed in her. Putting aside my concerns and thinking of others was the quality I had developed in me unconsciously because of her. I had seen that in her and admired her because of that.

Sudden and faint sound of footsteps broke my chain of thoughts. That's when I realized that I was crying once again. There were tears on my face. I dried them and turned around. I saw Ashar was going towards the inside of the house. He stopped walking when he glanced at me. He stood there for fractions of seconds then he resumed his walk.

He stumbled once. I noticed his legs were wobbling as if he had troubled moving them forward. Confusion crossed my face. He took a step forward while rubbing his forehead. I understood something was wrong with him so I scuttled to him.

"Do you need help?" I lightly touched his arm.

He turned his head and looked into my eyes for few seconds before replying, "Were you crying?"

I put my hand down from his arm and moved my eyes in other direction, "You're not answering my question."

He didn't say anything so I looked at him again. He was still staring at me with a blank face. I couldn't guess what he was exactly thinking. The flashbacks of that unexpected kiss at a public place replayed in my head. It was a first time I was recalling that incident. It awakened the curiosity in me that why he actually did it. Did he just do it to prove his point that I was attracted to him or there was more?

As much as I could recall, from his side, that kiss felt very passionate as if he also got lost in that heated, weak moment. Did he feel something for me?

He turned around and again tried to walk, but his wobbly self didn't let him. I put aside my confusions and followed him, "Let me help you. I take you to your room."

Without waiting for his permission, I put his arm around my shoulder and got close to him to give him support. His expressions perplexed as he gazed at me. I could feel he stiffened his whole body for a moment as if he was sensitive to my touch.

"You can use me for a support." I offered. Ashar was understanding and helpful during my difficult time so I wanted to do something for him as well. I know this little help could be nothing compared to his favors. I was doing this to satisfy my conscience.

"Okay." He finally agreed. We both started ambling in the direction of his room.

"Did you drink?"

He groaned a little, "No. I think my friends pulled a prank with me. My head is spinning."

He clung himself to me as we started stepping up the stairs. I got bemused and nervous at the same time by his sudden pull. I felt shortness of breath, but he looked nonchalant and completely unaffected. The sudden desire in me to never get away from his warmth, his softness surprised me. For the first time in months, a question rose in my head; what if, just what if I try this marriage instead of thinking of ways to get rid of it?

I mean apart of divorce option that they had thought to end our miseries, there could be other option as well – work on this marriage, try to work this relationship. My heart skipped a beat in reaction to that thought. It was an indication that some corner of my heart liked the idea. Despite all the circumstances, I couldn't stop myself to think of him as a man which was forbidden.

Distractedly, I pushed opened the door of his bedroom and we both stepped inside. I moved my eyes around. It was the first time I had came to his room. The familiar scent of his minty cologne touched my nostrils. The room was furnished with light and dark shades of purple, made me think that he had some sort of likeness for the purple color.

It had large glass doors that led to the small balcony. At the end of the bed, a white rug covered the space on which two geometrical designed arm chairs were placed. There were few pictures of him and some paintings that filled the walls. His room looked clean and peaceful. Everything was placed to its rightful place.

"Do you like purple?"

He let out a breathy laugh, "Yes. Purple is warm."

Yeah, purple is warm, just like him. Sometimes, he was warm too.

I brought him near his bed. He moved his arm from my shoulder and sat on the bed, still massaging his forehead.

"Get some rest. You'll feel better." I said. He raised his head up at me. He again gave me that look – the look that was unexplainable and unreadable. There were few questions I wanted to ask from him, but I dared not because I was scared of his responses.

"I-I leave then." I stuttered unnecessarily. I was about to turn around when I felt his grip on my wrist. Knitting my brows together, I faced him again.

"Don't go." He said in whisper. I tried to hide my surprise. "Sit with me for some time."

Through his eyes, he gave me intimation to sit on the bed, beside him. I gave him a light nod and accepted his request. He left my hand. I put few tendrils of my hair behind my ear. The complete silence escalating the tension in the air.

I felt he minimized some space between us by scooting closer to me. I gazed at him. He looked breath-taking gorgeous and tempting from the closer look. My eyes fell on to his mouth. It gave me the sweet memory of that day. If I could just feel those lips once again. If I could...

I would be so happy if I could experience that kiss over and over again. He gently put his palm on my cheek, looking deep into my eyes, "Are you really okay, Sanaya?"

Sorry, Samara. At this point I can't deny my growing feelings for him. I want to steal your man because he was overwhelming and so comfortable to be with. I can't keep my promise to you.

Just for once I wanted to forget about what was morally right and do what my heart wanted. His thumb moved to my lips and started tracing them. My chest tightened. The short in-take of breath parted my lips to exhale out some air.

"I-I'll be fine." My lips moved in mumble. I clenched my fists on the bed to stop myself to close the little distance between us that was teasing me. His gaze moved to my mouth as he rubbed his thumb to my lower lip.

Astonishment swept through me when I saw the same desire gleamed in his eyes as well. He was feeling the same way. His gaze fixed on my mouth as he leaned closer and slowly connected our lips. He started in a slow pace. But something forced us to cling to each other – something similar to magnetic, electric. Soon, the soft, sweet kiss turned to the full, hungry, fervent kiss. Our breaths blended together.

His hand slipped up to the inside of my cardigan. When it reached up, he moved the fabric down. One side of the sweater instantly fell down till my elbow. My arms involuntarily wrapped around his neck as I kissed him back. God, his lips were too soft, too luscious. I closed my eyes and fully accepted the comfort he offered to me. I think he knew I wanted this to calm down the emotional storm in me.

Sanaya, stay away from him. Don't forget you're going to leave this house soon.

Samara's words replayed in my head.

Remember that he wanted to marry me.

No. I opened my eyes and came out of the reverie. I pulled back from him. My heart was throbbing against my chest. I gasped aloud for some air. Ashar seemed dumbfounded. He was drunk right now. He could regret tomorrow and blame on the alcohol. I was doing wrong. I was wishing for something that could never be mine.

"This can't be..." I breathed, "You're drunk, Ashar."

"Tipsy." He corrected, put his hand on my thigh, "I'm just tipsy." He kissed me once again, weakening all the voices of my brain.

He slipped down my sweater and started wandering his mouth to my jawline, down to my neck, biting my skin. My fear began melting into confidence that maybe he really wanted me, that he felt the same attraction, same feeling. "I don't want to stop. I want to keep you to myself all night."

He laced his fingers with mine and interlocked them. I felt the little sparks dancing on my skin. His lips traveled to my bare shoulder, coming back to the junction my neck. I shivered. Every inch of my body was dissolving into his. He gently shoved me down on his bed and came on top of me. Our mouth pressed to one another once again.

I didn't know what I was really doing. All I knew that he was the emotional support I needed right now, he was the comfort I needed. His kisses were healing my wounds, giving me that confirmation that I was falling for him. I was falling in love with him. Those strange feelings that fluttered my heart since months was not anything, but love.

"Ashar..." I moaned.

"Hmm?" He moved back, breathing unsteadily.

"Do you really want me to stay with you?" I whispered.

He buried his face in the curve of my neck, "Yes, baby. You're so addictive."

The weight of him on me was overwhelming. I was feeling all of him. I was feeling his rapid heartbeat against my chest. My eye lids were getting heavier. The gratification he was giving me made me realize how tired I was since past few days. Mother's death pulled out the soul from my body, but now in his arms I was feeling alive again. I was feeling like a normal human being, who has some desires, some wants.

"I've been imagining this moment since a long time. Stop thinking too much and just lose yourself. Give yourself to me." He said in a husky voice.

I had never thought that Ashar would offer me to sleep with him on his own bed. The environment was too perfect, too dreamy for the first time, for a virgin like me. Silencing all of the warnings of my head, I reached for the buttons of his shirt while he again locked his mouth with mine.