Scar Tissue

I did not know how I reached the hospital. Everything was a blur. My knees gave out, the moment the call got cut. All I knew, was that I uttered Joshua's name and Emir sprang into action. He must have broken the speed limit several times trying to get me to the hospital.

But, we were there. Finally, we were there.

We ran across the floor to the ICU.

"What happened?", I shrieked at the nurse in charge of Josh's care.

She looked grim.

The world stopped.

No. No. No. No. No.

Oh! My God, no!

Then she smiled. A big megawatt smile.

" Josh is awake, Ms. Bianchi. He responded to treatment."

My eyes closed. The world spun again. I let out a sob.

Oh! Thank the Lord!

"Dr.Ethan has been contacted as he was the doctor-in-charge of his case. Please come in, he is on video call. ", the nurse informed.

" Go. ", Emir said in my ear after he had pulled me in a hug. " I am waiting here."

I squeezed his hand and walked in.

____________

A gentle, smiling face peeped from under the covers of the white hospital bed sheet. That smile was brighter than the sun itself and those soft, brown eyes held all the stars in my sky. The whole of my universe softened in that smile. It was my blessing.

I couldn't explain the feeling that rose in the crypts of my heart. No one could except for a mother who had seen her child on his death bed and then by some miracle had him in her arms again.

"Ma-mi", said that soft voice that I would hole dear on the darkest days of my life. The relief, the sheer damn RELIEF of it. It was the relif of a wary pilgrim on the steps of a temple. It was the voice of God himself. The sweetest sound.

" Oh! Josh! Jesus."

I stumbled and held onto his fingers, warm again. I lay my head on the bed and sobbed.

"I-I....n-never thought I'd....I'd....hear you say m-mami again.", I cried.

The thought was most horrifying. To suddenly have my son taken away from me. It was the most helpless I had felt.

Josh slowly patted my hand twice.

" I- I-I am. Here...", he said slowly dragging each syllable.

"He is alright, Sana.", spoke a slightly distorted voice.

I turned up sharply.

Ethan's face popped up on the computer screen. I was not surprised by the crushing wave of loneliness that washed through me.

"Josh is alright.", he repeated slowly again. " And so am I."

"Can you give me a rundown?", I asked.

"He regained senses about two hours ago. There has been some nerve impairment during the accident which is why he is having trouble with speech. We are still running scans to determine the extent of damage.", he said, all professionalism.

"And his legs?",I asked quietly so Josh wouldn't hear me.

"No sensation in his legs, I am afraid."

His voice broke at the end of the sentence. We both fell silent. My throat was oppressed with unspoken things.

"It's ok.", I stuttered. " It's fine. It's not the end of the world. I would have him any way I can. He is alive and awake and that is all that matters for now."

"Yes, that's all that matters to us as parents.", he said. I whispered a prayer of thanks to the God whose altar I hadn't touched in a while.

"May I come in?", Emir called from outside the room.

"Yes, you may.", I answered.

He entered in a wrinkled Brioni tux and disheveled hair. He had been running his fingers through it for a while.

Josh blinked like a baby bird and looked at me slowly.

" That's Emir Aslan. He is my friend.", I said.

Josh struggled but managed a slow hello.

"Hello, Josh. I hope you are feeling better.", he said softly. His constant frown was gone and his voice was very, very gentle.

" Emir this is Ethan.", I pointed to the screen. "Ethan, Emir."

They both exchanged cursory greetings.

Ethan looked down and sighed,"I have a meeting in 10 minutes but I will be on call 24/7 to monitor the situation."

"I....I.....goodbye, Ethan. Take care."

The words stumbled out. There was so much I needed to say to him but I found that I couldn't. I could say none of it.

A stern-looking nurse came in and spoke,

"Joshua needs his rest. You have to clear the room."

"No hay manera en el infierno", I said firmly. (No way in hell)

"Sana...", Emir warned me before I went into over-protective mama mode.

"I won't let you jeopardize with his care. I don't care how many checks you write to the hospital board.", the white-haired nurse stated.

Ordinarily, I would have been impressed by her standing up to my bullying but now was not the time to mess with me.

"I. AM. NOT. GOING. ANYWHERE."

"Maybe we can all come to a compromise. Let's get you a coffee and something to eat while they get Josh's vitals. Then we can arrange for you to stay the night in the room.", he said.

We looked at each other. His eyes were endlessly kind. He knew what I was going through because he had lived through every moment of it. He had been here in a hospital and had lost his wife and child.

Yet, he stood rooted to the ground.

He fought for me.

He was ready to walk through hell another time for me.

If this wasn't love, I didn't know what was.

If this wasn't another reason to believe in God's mercy, then I didn't know what was.

We walked alone every day. We pushed through pain that came at us like bullets. We never healed from the wounds. But, scar tissue was thick.

Scar tissue was stronger and more resistant to pain.

I realised that were both made up of the same scar tissue.

But, it was okay, as long as he walked beside me.

_________

His hands were shaking. I noticed it far too late. The paper cup kept spilling droplets of coffee on the table in the hospital cafeteria. It was bustling even at this odd hour.

I wrapped my hands around it.

He shot me what should have been a smile but came out as a grimace.

My heart twisted.

He was having a hard time being here. It wasn't fair to him.

"You should go, Emir. You don't have to stay. Georgiana would be here any minute.", I said rubbing warmth into his icy palms.

He shot me a wry look.

"And leave you here alone? What if you murder the ward nurse? I don't have a cleanup crew on speed dial.", he tried to joke.

" I can't have you falling apart. I have enough on my plate, Emir.", I pleaded.

"I am tougher than I look.", he said mock offended.

" I know. Trust me, I know. But, for my sanity, you need to be okay. The show has to go on. You need to get the last dress ready. The war is not over yet.", I said quietly.

"I don't want to leave you."

His jaw clenched tight. He refused to break his gaze.

"I will be fine. It's just a few hours until morning, anyway.", I reasoned.

He stood reluctantly, still bristling.

" I hate this idea.", he said again.

I stepped closer to him.

"It's the right one.", I reminded him.

"The wrong thing is always more fun to do.", he argued.

"That, I agree."

And before he could utter another word, I kissed him. I pulled him as close as I could get and I kissed him, letting all the tension, the fear, the love and the gratitude flow through me. I let him know what I couldn't bring on my lips.

He tasted it.

His tense shoulders relaxed. His hands cupped my tired face. His fine, artist's finger wreaked havoc on my heart.

We kissed what seemed to go on forever.

Then, I pulled away because breathing was still a necessity.

"I love you.", he said. " You don't have to say it back. You never have to say it back. You can forget it. This changes nothing......I.....I just wanted you to know that.", he babbled.

"I know. Now, go home and make me a fabulous dress to wear to the victory parade. "

____________

"He is in love with you."

Wise, amber eyes looked piercingly from the computer screen. Ethan, sat, probably at the headquarters in Lahore. The internet connection was a thousand times better.

I sighed.

As always, his perceptive eyes missed nothing.

"Trust me, I tried my best to discourage that bad habit. ", I said.

"Loving you is a bad habit, I agree. I suffer from it myself.", he said amusement shining in his eyes.

"I will try to make myself less of a giant teddy bear for your sake.", I quipped back.

"Once people start loving you, they don't stop. I laid eyes on you, and knew I was yours.", he agreed.

"Didn't you want to run away?", I asked curious.

"I ran. Every way led me back to you."

I looked down.

Every way led me back to you.

"I know we agreed not to talk about it, but what happened?", I asked.

The elephant in the room has been addressed. Ethan grew tense.

"I was brutalized. Physically and sexually.", he replied in a monotone.

The blood roared in my ears. This could be the end of us, I realized. This could be a hurdle bigger than we could both cross.

" I have been talking.....talking to a therapist for the past year.....I....I don't know if I'll ever be okay with someone seeing my scars.....but it has brought back things......fuck.....I want to hold onto you right now.....", he stopped.

I remained silent.

"I am sorry. I am so sorry.", I whispered.

I wasn't crying. Ethan didn't need to see me cry. I wanted to be strong for him. It seemed life was giving me endless reasons to cry.

My loved ones were hurt.

My family was barely holding itself up.

And I could not ease the suffering of a single person.

How the might had fallen!

We stayed like that. Not speaking. We just watched each other, absorbing the fact that we were still there for each other. That was perhaps the only solace in this ordeal.

"When are you coming back, Ethan?", I said breaking the fragile peace.

" I don't know.", he said. "I will be back once things are wrapped up."

"It's been three months already.", I reminded him.

" It's just.....it's taking a long time to finish this mission. The UN has ordered a ceasefire. Hopefully, next month....", he trailer off. He didn't look at me.

"I need you here. I am just so.....so tired. I need you, my love."

I put my head in my hands. Things were impossible without him.

"I am sorry. I am so sorry."

He repeated the same words again.

Somebody knocked on the door behind.

"I have to go.", he said urgently before the video got disconnected.

" I love you.", I whispered to the black screen.

____________