Chapter Fifteen: Julian…

** Trigger Warning - Attempted Suicide **

“Are you leaving already?” Persephone asked, sitting up in her bed. “You barely fed.”

“I know.” Julian shrugged on his jacket. “My brother might come along to feed later.”

She frowned. “Your brother has been switching between Claudette and Phillip.”

“Oh. Well, I’m not that hungry today anyway.”

“Your eyes are almost white,” she admonished. “When Elda found out I was feeding you, she asked me to take care of you. Letting you starve isn’t taking care of you.”

“And you have, but this is more than just feeding.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

He folded his arms across his chest and levelled a doubtful look at her. “Seph, I don’t love you. I have no feelings for you.”

“I know that.”

“But you have feelings for me.” When she fell silent, he nodded. “That wasn’t part of the deal. You know that.”

“Just because I have feelings for you doesn’t mean I can’t continue to feed you,” she argued, tucking chin-length dark hair behind her ears.

“It does. The moment this changed from a mutual transaction, it made me unfaithful to my husband.”

“Vampires don’t do monogamy.”

“No, but we have our own values.” He sat down on the edge of the mattress and laid a hand on her shoulder. “This has to stop. Yani was everything. Losing him has left me wondering if this life is even worth it without him. I can’t dishonour him by leading someone on just so I have a steady food source. He deserves more than that, and so do you.”

Julian stood and left the room without waiting for a response, feeling worse than when he’d entered. The small amount of blood he’d taken would tide him over for a short while. At least until he could find a new donor. Or take a walk off a nearby cliff.

He thrust his hands into his pockets and headed for the staircase, slipping the ring containing Yani’s ashes back onto his finger. He climbed as high as the stairs would take him, then cut down an intersecting corridor and found the staircase leading to the tallest tower in the palace.

The top was open to the elements, with a steepled roof and stone arches looking out on all sides. A hip-high wall was the only thing between the palace residents and a fall to certain death. Julian swung his legs over it and sat, boots hanging over the abyss.

It would be easy to just let himself tip forwards. A few seconds of stomach-lurching free fall and that would be the end. No more waking up expecting to see Yani. No more turning to share something only to remember he wasn’t there to tell. No more crippling, agonising guilt that Yani was gone and he was alive.

Sometimes the loss choked him, leaving his lungs tight and his chest aching for a breath that would never come. It was unbearable, existing day after day without his anchor.

Grief sat on his shoulders so heavily that he started to lean, desperate to have it lifted. It became hard to breathe, so hard that he couldn’t even scream. He was alone in the world. At least the fall would end the loneliness.

“Hey, it’s okay.” A hand touched his back, warm and solid. Someone wrapped their arms around him from behind and dark, curly hair tickled his cheek. “Deep breaths, vamp. Deep breaths.” The rise and fall of their chest against his back slowed the pounding of his heart and eased the ache in his lungs until he could take a full breath. “Are you going to come down off the wall?”

He turned his head to find Brady with her hands on his shoulders. “How did you know I was here?” he asked hoarsely, tears soaking his cheeks.

“I followed you when I saw you head up the stairs. You had that look in your eye.”

“What look?”

“The one that said you were going to do this.” Her grip tightened. “If you pitch yourself off of here, you’re taking me with you buddy.”

“Or you could let go.”

“Or I could not.” Her stare didn’t waver. “I lost my twin when we were teenagers. She fell overboard in a storm and drowned. I still remember the look she gave me when I reached for her and missed. I’m not about to leave you when I know how heavy the guilt is.”

“I should have saved him,” Julian whispered, closing his eyes. Fresh tears leaked out from beneath his lashes. “I should have done something.”

“The only person blaming you for Yani’s death, is you. It took me a long time to realise that if I’d taken Lena’s hand, she’d have slipped anyway, or pulled me overboard with her.”

“That’s different.”

“Is it? Even if you could reach Yani, you’d both have died or you’d have been killed in his place. Would you want him to live through the pain you have to suffer right now?” Julian shook his head and turned on the wall so his feet were back on the floor. Brady crouched down in front of him and rested her hands on his knees. “Exactly. It’s shitty. It’s agonising. But this is how it was always going to be. What matters now is how you handle it.”

“I’m not handling it.”

“You’re still here aren’t you?” She sighed. “I’m not gonna say it gets easier, or time will heal you, or any of that cliché shit. I just want you to know that you’re not on your own. If you feel like that again, like you can’t breathe, find me.”

“And if I can’t?”

She flashed a bright grin. “Then I’ll find you. I’m basically stalking you anyway.”

Julian scrubbed his jacket sleeve across his eyes. “That’s disturbing.”

“Nah, I just recognise pain when I see it. I’ve been keeping an eye on you for this exact reason.” She gestured at him sitting on the wall, keeping her other hand on his knee. “Do you mind sitting on the floor, bud? You’re making me nervous up there.”

Julian nodded and slid down to the stone tiles, sitting with his back against the wall. Brady sat herself beside him and drew her knees up to her chest. Her eyes followed the circles he traced over the ring on his left hand.

“Is that the ring Vel gave you?”

Julian looked down. Veins of white ran through it in thin striations where Yani’s ashes mixed with the gemstone. “It is.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“It’s Yani.”

Brady blinked. “Vel used his ashes?” The Vampire nodded. “Then it’s a worthy tribute to him.”

“I need more than just a tribute.”

“Oh, Jules,” she sighed, her brows pulling together. “I know. Nothing will ever live up to the real thing, but he’ll be waiting for you when it’s your time. Ask the Spirits. They will tell you he’s safe.”

“We don't really know if Vampires get to go to the After. Either way I’m stuck here waiting out the clock until I can see him again.”

Brady got to her feet and held out a hand. “Come with me.”

“Where?”

“We’re going to ask for help.” He let her pull him up, following her through the door and back down the staircase. He stayed silent when Brady towed him into the palace library, weaving between huge oak shelves burdened with scores of leather bound books. The centre was taken up by several large wooden tables, and at one of them was Vel, hunched over a small black journal with a deep frown on his face.

He waved at them when they entered without looking away from the page, finishing the line he was reading before using the binding twine as a bookmark and closing it.

“Have you come to read? Because unless you can read demonic, you might as well go do something fun with your time,” he suggested.

“Is your book boring?” Brady asked.

Vel shrugged. “If you can call watching your brother take a backslide into becoming a fucking lunatic boring, sure.” He looked between them and his head tilted. “You need something.”

“We need a Spirit.”

His dark brows crept up towards the pale hair falling across his forehead. “Mortal, remember? I can’t call on them anymore. What do you need a Spirit for?”

“Some reassurance.”

Vel snorted. “They’re not known for being reassuring. Your best bet would be Irileth. Find Elda.”

“And where would Elda be?”

“Getting kicked around the courtyard by Gira, I assume.” He stretched his hands over his head and rolled his neck. “Screw this, I’m coming with you. I’ve learned about all I can from this journal and I’ve read it twenty times. I need to breathe air that isn’t dusty.”

“You just want to see Elda working up a sweat,” Julian remarked, arching an eyebrow.

Vel’s grin was instant and broad. “That too.” His aura shifted and Julian found himself looking at both halves of the Soul Forge. “You don’t look right.”

“He’s fine,” Brady beamed, slinging an arm around Julian’s neck. The Vampire tried a smile.

The Soul Forge frowned, but let it drop. “Alright. If it’s a Spirit you need, the courtyard is where to find one. Or you could try praying.”

“And what are our chances of success if we pray?”

“Slim to none.”

“Courtyard it is,” Brady decided.

The trio left the library in search of sunlight and fresh air, the bear Shifter filling the silence with friendly chatter. The happy chirp of her voice made sure Julian’s black mood was kept at bay, and by the time they found Elda, he had a half smile on his face.

“Oof.” The elf grunted when Gira’s knee slammed into her stomach, and then again when his fist cracked across her cheekbone, snapping her head to the side hard enough to make her braid swing over her shoulder. She dropped to her knees, one hand pressed to her stomach.

“Spirits, sorry!” Gira gasped, crouching beside her.

“No,” she panted, sucking in uneven breaths. “It’s okay. I asked you… not to… hold back.”

“I know, but you’re so…”

“Small?” she supplied, straightening up and dusting herself down. Gira nodded. Elda’s eyes narrowed and she slipped back into a fighting stance. “Again.”

“Are you sure?”

“Again,” she insisted. Vel grinned. The pair circled each other, and then without warning, Elda lunged. Her boot planted on Gira's thigh, giving her leverage to leap and wrap her legs around his neck. She swung her body and Gira slammed against the dirt, winding up with her fist an inch from his eye.

“Wow,” Gira murmured, dazed from the impact.

“Don’t call me small,” she growled, then got to her feet and offered him a hand, which he accepted.

“Holy shit, Princess. When did you become a certified weapon?” Julian asked, his brows creeping so high they almost vanished into his hairline.

“I had a great teacher,” she answered, smiling at her husband. “You needed a break from reading?”

“If I see that journal again today I’m going break something with it,” Vel muttered, then grabbed Elda’s hand and tugged her towards him for a kiss that she happily accepted. Julian swallowed and looked away.

Brady shot the Vampire a sideways look, then cleared her throat. “Sorry to interrupt the canoodling, but we actually have a favour to ask of you, Elda.”

“That’s right,” the Soul Forge replied, the fire in his one red eye brightening when the Angel soul took over. “They need a Spirit.”

“Alright,” Elda nodded, not questioning the reason. “I’ll call on Irileth.” She closed her eyes, nothing happening for several seconds, but eventually a vortex of sparkling white opened and the Spirit stepped out of it with a smile on her frozen face.

“You called, little friend?”

“I did. Brady and Julian asked to see you.”

“Oh?” Irileth’s head tilted, translucent strands of hair wafting lazily over her shoulder.

“We’d like to speak to you privately, if you don’t mind?” Brady asked. Elda and Sypher retreated back towards the palace, and Gira went off in search of Bennigan and Clover.

“What can I help you with?” the Spirit asked, leaning down to look them both in the eye.

“You know Julian lost his husband,” Brady stated. Julian’s head dipped.

“Yani. He’s a bright soul.” Irileth turned her frozen gaze on the Vampire. “You suffer without him.”

“Half of me is gone,” Julian answered quietly.

“He is not gone.” She took his hands in hers, warm to the touch despite the ice she was carved from. “Yani is a pure soul, Julian. He could never be gone. He waits in the After for the day you join him.”

The ache in Julian’s stomach intensified until he was sure it would swallow him whole. “I can’t live this life without him.”

“You must. You are meant to face the future beside the Soul Forge and his Keeper.” She smiled softly. “And Yani is meant to remain at peace, free from whatever horrors the future may bring.” Julian’s eyes closed when her hand brushed his cheek, tears slipping past her fingers. “You will see him again, I promise you.”

“Is he happy?”

“He misses you, but he is happy. And he is proud of you.” Her other hand raised to cup his face. “Open your eyes, so you may see the truth in mine.”

Julian forced his eyes open, and the moment he met her glacial gaze he was enveloped with a blanket of such intense love and hope that it left him breathless.

“Yani,” he whispered, his emotions pouring down his face in a torrent.

“What’s done cannot be undone, Julian,” Irileth said softly. “But you have people around you that will be there to lean on when the weight is too heavy. You must find the strength within yourself to keep going, and you must rely on your friends to carry you when you can’t carry yourself. Yani will be waiting when your time comes.”

Julian took a deep breath and wiped a hand across his face, looking up at the Spirit and squaring his shoulders. “I guess I’m not done here just yet.”