Chapter 60

Warning: Might contain sensitive content. But make sure you read it since it's important.

______________________________________________

During the six days Shen Nuo had spent kneeling infront of the Ancestor Tower, he hadn't been muddleheaded. Amid lashing rains and thunders, he shut his eyes and reminded everything from the beginning as far as he could recall his past.

He reminded every word Li Yan spoke to him. He reminded every minute he spent with Li Yan. Then he gradually realized.

Li Yan loved him when he was small. He even trespassed into the General's Manor to teach him. He gave him the Blood Promise and protected him. But he changed on their wedding day. No matter how much Li Yan had showed him his love, yet he was ignored by Li Yan on their wedding night..

Why? Shen Nuo did not know.

Then he slowly reminded every word of hate between them. He reminded every hateful look that Li Yan gave him. He reminded every time Li Yan punished him without cause or a reason.

He reminded everytime Li Yan spent his time alone, just staring at the sky at some evenings with his eyes blank and unfocussed. At those times, Shen Nuo clearly remembered that there were tears in those eyes.

For some unknown reason, Li Yan doubtlessly hated him.

So Li Yan ignored him and punished him. He didn't even to look at him. So Shen Nuo thought that Li Yan's all the affectionate play from before was but fake. He thought that Li Yan married him only to get hold on the General's Manor...

But, when he was framed, when everyone wanted him dead, when there was no one to stand behind him to back him up, Li Yan stood beside him. When he even couldn't avenge those who framed him, Li Yan avenged them for him.

When everyone wanted to kill him, Li Yan protected him... Li Yan dragged his life for ten years, without letting him die...

Shen Nuo forcefully broke through the memories of his previous life. Blood seethed down the corners of his lips, got mingled with the heavy rain and his tears and dissolved into the gushing waters of the platform that was a pool of icy water. His head was buzzing.

Yes, now he started to remember. He remembered every time Li Yan visited him when he spent those miserable years inside the prison. No one was allowed into the prison where Shen Nuo was detained, except Zhangsun.

Within those ten years, every day, thrice, Li Yan didn't miss a single meal. He would always bring them himself. He would wait and watch until Shen Nuo finish eating. Then only would he leave. At first, Shen Nuo thought Li Yan was scorning him...

In his last five years, Shen Nuo was very tired of crying and mourning. When the meals were brought, he always made a fuss and scene and refused to eat.

Li Yan would get angry. If Shen Nuo refused to eat, then Li Yan would force him to eat until the last dish was over. Shen Nuo often dropped dishes in his weakness. But Li Yan did not let a single maid inside. He would quietly clean it himself.

But when Shen Nuo recalled that past, he remembered that the Li Yan he saw in those five years was abnormally pale and thin. His eyes were wrenched with sorrow. That pale look was from overworking, overthinking, and missing meals often.

Original Shen Nuo must have missed them. But modern Shen Nuo didn't. He was a doctor. He could understand many things that original Shen Nuo didn't.

Everytime Li Yan brought Shen Nuo medicines, Shen Nuo thought Li Yan wanted him alive to torture him. He would often hurt Li Yan with hurtful words. Li Yan would always remain quiet as if he wasn't listening.

But now Shen Nuo remembered that everytime he cursed Li Yan, Li Yan would turn his back to him and pretend to be not listening. But his shoulders would tremble slightly.

Those hands of Li Yan had countless number of scratches. But Li Yan was strong. Who was capable of hurting him? For the hate Shen Nuo had, he definitely ignored to think about it. But now he realized how those scratches came into being. Those scratched renewed everytime Li Yan brought him medicines.

Shen Nuo realized that Li Yan had been making his medicines all by himself. But why would he? He had a hundred of doctors at his service. Why didn't he ask someone to get the work done? Because he trusted no one. He had been afraid that the medicine would be poisoned if it go to a second hand.

But Shen Nuo? What did Shen Nuo do? He would always slap away Li Yan's arm whenever Li Yan gave him the bowl. The medicines would spill out and the bowl would break. Li Yan would silently kneel down and collect the broken pieces. His head would always be deeply lowered. But Shen Nuo remembered that he would see drops staining the stony tiles.

Shen Nuo recalled the last days of his life. He often lied on his bed weakly and could not even open his eyes. He would often sob reminding his past. At some moments, in his scattered dreams, he would feel someone stroking his head gently. And wiping his forehead with a wet towel.

He would also feel drops of scorching warm waters fall upon his cheeks. He was too blind and weak to think about anything. But now he knew who that person was and what those warm drops were.

Shen Nuo remembered the day he died. Li Yan had come to his room. He, Shen Nuo had been too muddle headed to understand things clearly. For the hate he had towards Li Yan back then, he didn't try to understand either. He had only wanted to die. He hated Li Yan for poisoning him.

But...

Shen Nuo suddenly remembered that even before he was given the poison to drink, Li Yan had already held the poison in his own mouth... He had drunk the poison even before passing it into him...

Shen Nuo also remembered their last kiss in their last life. On his death bed when he was dying, Li Yan leaned down and kissed him on the lips and slowly licked them open. Shen Nuo only felt bitter. He only felt nauseous.

But now he realized the taste he felt back then was none but the taste of the poison and blood in his mouth. So Li Yan was already dying while he was kissing him...

While Li Yan kissed him, Shen Nuo remembered that Li Yan's lips were shuddering. They were paler than his, cracked and dry.

But still Shen Nuo was in so much pain so he did not realize how gentle Li Yan had been while he kissed. It was gentle and passionate, but also deep and lingering. Li Yan kissed him for a long time, thirstily, reluctant to let go. He would kiss him and then slowly withdraw his lips, but press them back again, unwilling to part with him...

And with the scorching drops that felled onto Shen Nuo's cheeks, Shen Nuo realized that at that last moment of theirs, Li Yan who never shed a tear infront of someone, had also been crying...

Shen Nuo felt like his heart was being ripped apart. It was so so much pain. How on earth did he forget these? Until now, he thought Li Yan had just attraction and craving towards him...

But now when he slowly recovered those memories of his forgotten past, he felt numb in his heart. He hated himself for his stupidity and dumbness...

Li Yan had always loved him, unconditionally. He had always protected him from the shadows. He had always been with him when he was alone. He had always stood by his side when he was needed...

And with this, Shen Nuo couldn't bear it any longer. He burst out crying his pain aloud. The lashing rain and thunders drowned the painful cries of him. The cold water drops washed away the scorching tears that left his eyes. But it couldn't wash away the guilt he felt in his heart.

How did things come to this? What was the reason for Li Yan to love him but also amid that, hate him? He tried to recall every word of Li Yan when he spoke with hatred to him.

Modern Shen Nuo remembered that once when he was tending Li Yan's wounds and touched the whip marks at Li Yan's back, that person had said:

Are you worthy of touching them?

Once when Shen Nuo messed into a fight with Li Yan, that person had said:

I used to trust you, Shen Nuo, but you only know how to betray me!

Once when he angered Li Yan by hurting him with hateful words, that person had pressed him onto a desk and had said:

What do you know!!? You know nothing! You know nothing at all! Shen Nuo open your eyes and see!

Once when Shen Nuo asked Li Yan how his parents had died, that person had said:

My sister was stabbed to death. Xi Jiu was poisoned to death. My father did not die happily either. He was killed. He was killed by someone from a family that Zhen used to love and trust...

WAIT!!!

Shen Nuo went pale. Blood left his face. He suddenly had a terrible guess in his heart. He did not dare to think too deeply.

What did Shendu say three days ago?

I only have one thing to say. Both you and me, our entire General's Manor is alive until today because of His Majesty's mercy. So you better behave!

Shen Nuo felt thunderstruck. Did by any means the General's Manor had something to do with the death of Li Yan's family? Shen Nuo did not know what to feel. It shouldn't be, right? How was it possible?

No...

Impossible...

His family was heroic and famous...

His family had served the Li family as generals for over six hundreds of years...

How can his family commit such a sinful crime? A crime that cannot be atoned even by dying a ten thousand deaths...

Shen Nuo's heart was thundering. His head was going to explode. He finally realized why Li Yan had been hating him. He couldn't take it anymore.

He shook his head furiously like a mad man in the rain. Tears were like flowing rivers that gushed down his eyes. More and more blood felled down his lips.

How can he not understand the pain of getting his father murdered? Mother murdered? Only sibling murdered? After all, he as modern Shen Nuo, had gone through that pain. He knew how painful it was to endure that kind of a pain.

He slowly realized. If it was him who was in Li Yan's place, he would burn down the General's Manor and exterminate the whole bloodline of Shens...

But...

Li Yan endured that dark past behind his painful smile and still loved him truly...

Shen Nuo cried loudly. He did not know!!! What kind of a heartless monster had he been!!? Finally his heavy breath scattered. His red eyes slowly unfocussed. All went black before he dropped onto the stony floor amid the rain, unconscious. When he woke up, he was already at his room.

His head was spinning badly and felt as if to explode. His body felt hurt and weak. Both Jinyu and Liyi were by his sides, looking at him anxiously.

"Who brought me here?" Shen Nuo asked with red eyes. His voice was very hoarse.

Liyi and Jinyu exchanged nervous looks, unwilling to give a reply. Shen Nuo banged his palm onto the bedside in wrath. "I asked you who brought me here!!?" He thundered.

Liyi gasped, her eyes widening. "His... His Majesty..."

Shen Nuo nodded, tightening his jaws. Tears couldn't help but roll down his eyes. "Help me dress up. I need to meet him..."

"Master, no!" Jinyu pushed him back onto the bed gently with a worried expression in his face. "You have caught a serious cold. You haven't recovered yet. His Majesty will punish us if he knows we let you out!"

Shen Nuo coughed, grasping his chest. "I will deal with that!" He said narrowing his eyes. "I haven't finished the punishments yet."

"But, master..." Liyi spoke in a low voice. "This time His Majesty not only confined you, but also sealed Mingyue Palace until you recover. So master better recover quickly so that the confinement can be lifted."

This time, Shen Nuo weakly fell back onto his bed. He did not speak anymore. But scorching tears repeatedly left his red and narrowed eyes. "Medicine! Bring me medicine!"

Three days later, Jinyu left Mingyue Palace to report to the Emperor that Shen Nuo had already recovered. But for some reason, Li Yan wasn't there. Zhangsun had nodded and had passed  the emperor's verbal edict that the confinement shall be lifted.

The first thing Shen Nuo did was hurrying to Li Yan. But everytime he went, he couldn't meet him at all. Shen Nuo did not know whether Li Yan was really not there or whether he was deliberately avoiding him.

But no matter what, he couldn't help but feel a thorn in his heart everytime he visited Li Yan's empty chamber at the imperial residence every night.

Zhangsun would always say that Li Yan had temporarily left the Capital for some work and the power of the court was now temporarily held by the hands of Grand Martial Shendu...

Shen Nuo did not know what to feel at all. So one rainy night as usual, he came alone to the imperial residence hoping he could meet Li Yan and  when he reached the outer garden of the chamber, he saw that the chamber that had been in darkness all these days were lighted by candles.

Shen Nuo felt his heart beating wildly. He dropped the umbrella and hurried towards the door and tried to open the sliding door furiously. But the door was locked from inside.

"Li Yan!" He shouted out in a hoarse voice. The candle flames were all blown off in a wisp. And the chamber drowned back into a darkness.

Shen Nuo who saw this, shook his head furiously. "No, Li Yan no! Let me in! Let me in!"

But there was no reply. Zhangsun who stood by the sliding door was also quiet, with a lowered head. He did not speak.

Shen Nuo repeatedly banged at the doors loudly. "Just come out! I know that you're inside! Li Yan!"

But there was no reply. The room was entirely dark. The candles were blown off. It was only silence...

Shen Nuo felt his heart tighten. It hurts so much. He pressed his forehead against the door, silently weeping and low sobs escaped from his shuddering lips. Tears rolled down his eyes and gathered at his chin.

"Li Yan.... are you deliberately avoiding me?" His voice was utterly hoarse. "I'm sorry, ok? I know why you hated me. But I don't know what else you're hiding from me. But just don't keep ignoring me like this again, ok? It hurts..."

And from the other side of the door, Shen Nuo did not know. But Li Yan was pressing his forehead against the door too. Tears were gushing down his eyes. But he didn't speak. His red eyes were narrowed. The emotions in them were extremely hard to fathom in the darkness. But if they were clearly to be seen, they must have looked utterly painful.

So with one amid the thunderous lashing rain, while the other in the inescapable darkness, they both stood there for a long time, their foreheads pressed against each other, separated only by a thin sheet of screen. They both were silently crying. But no one knew what they were thinking.

______________________________________________

Four more chapters. 🥲 (But not the end of the story ok? The story will be long).