Chapter 44

The silence stretches between us endlessly, both looking at each other, then away awkwardly; neither sure what to say or do. I know he’s looking for the words to fix this, but there aren’t any. I know his good guy persona means he will try though, and all that kiss did was prove he wouldn’t be able to. He loves someone else and kissing me just repulsed the hell out of him. I guess he wanted to know, without just having a two-second smooch sprung on him, and now he knows. He doesn’t feel the way I do. Like I didn’t already know that, and I don’t need him standing there looking like he may pass out to remind me. His face tells me a thousand things that he doesn’t need to verbalize.

“I need you to go.” I know it’s the only thing I can ask of him for my own sanity. If there had been any sort of fairytale realization he has the same feelings, he would have come out with it. It is glaringly obvious that Arrick has only ever seen a vulnerable kid who liked to hang out and share so many dumb interests, before moving on to a real relationship with someone he fell in love with. He has his life mapped out, and it never included me, in any way.

“Sophs?” He raises his hand and seems to struggle for words. “I need some time to let this sink in ... I can’t think straight.” He steps towards me again then stops and moves by me in afterthought, it’s almost like he no longer knows how to behave around me either. I sigh and stay still, rooted to the spot, deflated and accepting of the fact that I always knew this was never going to go anywhere. Arrick is an over-thinker, he always has been, and it might take him a couple of days to let it sink in and come to the same conclusion, but he will. When his affection for me and the urge to always do the right thing clears away, and he sees how impossible this really is.

Crazy how those three little words change everything between us.

I know I lost him the second he understood what I meant; it’s written all over his face and in his reaction. I never stood a chance of being anything more than his friend, his childish sidekick, that kid who needed a protector and a shoulder to cry on, and nothing more.

His kid sister.

“I’m sorry, Sophs ... I just don’t think I feel that way about you. I have a girlfriend, and I don’t know how the hell to play this. I should never have kissed you, and I have to tell her.... That’s not who I am. I don’t cheat. I don’t know what that was.” He hangs around by the door and seems like he isn’t sure if he should stay or go. My insides turn to lead, and I don’t think I have any tears left in me to even let out. I feel empty. Arrick just took the last ounces of what was left inside of me and killed them flat. He didn’t even mean to, and yet, here we are.

“It was nothing, why bother? It was barely more than a graze of lips, almost chaste, and probably brotherly on your end. You will only hurt her, and it’s pretty clear that it was a spur of the moment test that failed. I don’t blame you for anything. You have always been everything for me and more. I owe you so much, and I fell in love with you for it. Now maybe you’re right. We grew apart, and maybe we were meant to, exactly for this reason. So, go ... I’m not mad. I just need you to leave, and maybe we should just stay clear of each other for a bit, while I get my head straight.” I say it so steadily, so deadpan and sure, that I even believe it myself.

“Sophs?” Arrick starts, his voice croaky and hurt, but I only shake my head. Stubborn girl reigning supreme in a bid to shield myself.

“Just go, you’re only making it worse.” I state coldly. Refusing to look at him or move. I can sense him lingering by the door, hesitant because deep down Arrick is a good guy. No matter what he feels for me, he is decent; not someone who just pushes feelings aside carelessly and it’s probably destroying him to hurt his best friend this way. He would never intentionally do it.

“GO!” I say it more firmly this time, more forcefully, holding my breath for what seems like forever until I hear the click of my door closing behind his silent steps. I exhale heavily, releasing so much sadness and crumble into the nearest seat with an exhausted thud, and yet another bout of unwelcome and uncontrollable tears.

I feel like he just ripped what was left of my sanity away.