Chapter 102

“I deserve that and more, Sophie. My life is nothing without you. You have no idea how many times a day I think about you, how much it eats me up every second that I made you leave me. How much I just want you back in my life, even if I only get to be friends.” He’s still sniffing back tears, making my heart ache harder and I am trying so hard to hold myself together. Guilt adding itself onto the list of crazy feelings and emotions piling up in my head. I am close to hysteria and about as near the cliff of insanity as one can get before leaping off.

“You didn’t make me leave you. You chose someone else and then told me to go. There is an enormous difference. You can’t undo that.” I throw back, my voice equally ravaged with raw pain and tears, so it hurts my throat, losing all the resolve to stay aggressive and angry and becoming more and more weak and childlike, reverting to fragility I rarely show. Body in defensive mode and moving back anytime he tries to step nearer, knowing I am letting him see me more vulnerable than anyone has for months and hating myself for it. He looks like he desperately wants to grab me but is trying to keep his cool and give me my space. I know I can’t let him touch me or I will fall to pieces and give in.

“I didn’t choose her … I chose to do the right thing and trying to fix all of it, my heart was always with you. It still is. I just didn’t know it until you were gone that I would never be able to fix anything. I never thought about what would happen if you never let me near again, Sophie. It’s killing me. I can’t function anymore, and I can’t keep living every day hoping that I find a way to see you again.” He rubs his hands through his hair, wiping his face and takes deep breaths as though trying to control his own emotion and failing. Every single bit of Arrick Carrero that he is famed for has slid away into oblivion All the cool and calm mannered, emotionally impassive, it’s all gone and I’m not sure I can handle him like this.

“What did you think would happen? That I would stick around, and go back to how it was? That I would play happy families with you and her?” The manic laugh that bursts through my tears makes me realize how dumb this whole conversation is getting, were in the middle of our street, not concealed, and everyone can see us if they want to. I storm past him back to the garden, not even sure why and he follows close on my heels. I don’t owe him my time to even let him talk this out, yet I can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to hear what he has to say without it being so public.

“I don’t know … I figured I would fix it, have both of you and no one would get hurt. That I wouldn’t be the bad guy like my dad was when he hurt my mom with an affair. I didn’t think it through Sophie, I thought you would still need me and would still be in my life. I thought our bond would save us. I reacted to what happened and then I thought you needed cooling off time. I never thought you would just cut all ties with me and that we would just be over; that I would actually lose you.” He stops when I spin on him, complete sarcasm washing over my face, pure disbelief that he could be that dense.

“I did still need you, but what was there for me in that? Why would I stay? I told you I loved you and I wasn’t going to sit and watch you love someone else!” I shake my head at him, unable to fathom how his brain works and step away when he reaches for me again. I lift my hands as if to warn him not to touch me. My heads so screwed up, he has me crazily upside down and all messed up that I don’t know if I should be laughing, crying, raging or leaving. I told myself I would never let him do this to me again. I am so fucking stupid.

“I know … I know that now. It’s all I have thought about for weeks. You are all I think about, constantly, Sophs. I was stupid, and crazy to ever let you go, the biggest jackass in the world. I miss you, so much I’m going out of my mind. You have to believe that! When Jake told me you didn’t want me to contact you anymore, it almost ended me. He told me there was maybe a guy and I didn’t know what else to do, so I stayed away as best I could. I know I fucked up, that I no longer had a right to be anything to you; I have lived with it every second, of every day for months and hated myself for being so fucking dumb.” His red rimmed eyes are focused on mine, still full of tears and nothing but genuine regret. It hurts too much to see. I want to hate him so badly.

“Missed me so much that you just let me go, right?” I turn away, my soul still crushed and tears not subsiding. Hatred and anger trying so hard to stay with me, in a mind that is starting to fall apart.

“No! I came for you when I couldn’t handle it anymore and I saw you with Christian. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I left. I couldn’t bear to see you happy with someone else, knowing that I literally let the best thing in my life go when you offered me everything. You have no idea how much I regret it. I have never stopped wanting you; you’re ingrained in my soul, you’re a part of me. I made a mistake, one that has been ruining my life ever since and if there’s even a glimmer of a chance then I’m going to jump on it, because there’s no alternative for me. I fucked up everything that mattered to me when I let you go.” His voice like mine is shaky and hoarse, two souls in pain and yet I can’t stop the anger burning inside, even though a part of me is aching to forgive him.

Always torn when it comes to him and exhausted with the effort of keeping this all together. My head and heart at war between sorrow and rage and I’m on a precipice between needing him and hating him. I want to believe, to let his words heal and count but I also can’t, because he tore me apart and left me alone when it mattered. I turn my back to him in a bid to give myself a little time to get control, to breathe slowly and calm my sobs, but his warm hands slide over my shoulders making me flinch and freeze like a statue.

“What makes you think I will even care now? That any of this means anything to me anymore?” I shrug his hands off my shoulders and move further away, so his touch won’t sway me or burn me. Wiping my face to dry the sodden mess and I jut my chin out defiantly. Trying hard to regain that fire.

“I have nothing else to lose. Without you, nothing means anything anymore. I won’t let you go again without a fight. I know you, I know when you’re hurt you push people away, and that’s what you’re doing now, so I won’t let you do it. I know it’s what I deserve, but knowing there’s no one else. You’re meant for me, you were always meant for me, Sophie. I see that now.” He pleads, his tone destroying me and it only makes my tears fall faster and heavier, unable to dry them at all.

“Until you think you have me and suddenly you don’t know what you want anymore, right? Or you get a case of guilt again, or cold feet. You’re drunk. Go home. I don’t need this.” I sob quietly. My body trembling with the wracking pain churning inside. My fight dying because he has me emotionally drained and bereft and my hatred has walked off with a shrug. I’m so lost and broken.

“I love you! I’m in love with you! Every tiny little fiery, hellcat, difficult, yet beautiful part of you, and every part of me wants only you. It’s not alcohol Sophs, it’s in me every second of every hour, every day, and it never stops. Anytime I see you it only serves to remind me how badly I’m suffering. How stupid I am. I knew I loved you as soon as I lost you. That’s never going to change. I’m not confused about this anymore. My heart left when you did, and I don’t want it back if it doesn’t come with you attached.” His voice breaks, and I glance back to see fresh tears on his cheeks, ones which mirror mine and it only strengthens the defiance inside of me. I spin on him accusingly, so much sorrow killing me inside that all I have is my fury about what he did to us.

“You’re an idiot … you had me! You couldn’t see what was in front of your face. Why would I listen now? Why would I let you have the power to cut me open again? To hurt me like you did, over and over. Just go away. You don’t deserve me.” I break again, hating everything about this, everything he’s saying to me. That inner girl who feels like he is never going to be able to fix what he did to me because he has no understanding of how deep the wounds go. The betrayal. I turn away again, unable to keep looking at that distraught beautiful face, knowing I can only hate him when not faced with how much I still want him.

“I know. I have no excuses, only how sorry I am, how much I regret all of it. And I do Sophie, I am… I’m so fucking sorry.” He catches me and turns me back to him, ignoring me when I slap and shrug his hands off. He doesn’t let up, just holds on and keeps pulling me gently, relentlessly, until I finally give in to his tugging and turn, trying not to look him in the eye. I lose all my fight and will as sheer fatigue consumes me.

“Just leave me alone.” Tears pour silently down my face, body giving up on me as everything saps the last ounces of my energy and makes me empty. I’m losing my fight, losing the fire and it’s being replaced with a broken mess of emptiness. There’s nothing left.

“Tell me you don’t love me anymore and I will.” Arrick breathes my way, his face crumbling to reveal a world of pain, eyes greener than I have ever seen them, his voice broken. I glance up at him defeated, my tears continuously finding their way down my face, despite trying so hard to hate him. I have never seen him like this and for a second it calms my chaos to a softer hue.

It’s not him, it’s not who I have always relied on him being. My strong, emotionally calm rock. I hate that I have made him cry, hate seeing tears running down that flawless face. I don’t want to see him cry.

“Stop it.” I plead, trying to turn away from him, pushing his hands down as he keeps returning to hold me again. He’s not giving up, clinging to me, and making it clear he won’t back down or walk away. He has that stubborn Carrero air about him and it’s only tearing down my defenses. Reminding me of the boy who dragged me out of myself so many years ago, when everyone else had given up trying to breakthrough.

“Tell me that you no longer feel anything for me, and I’ll walk away, Sophs. I’ll leave you alone knowing that you no longer see me that way. That I really did lose you.” He urges me, heart on his sleeve and voice raw and I want to tell him I don’t give a shit anymore, that I don’t love him, but I can’t.

I don’t want to say words that aren’t true, no matter how much he deserves them, no matter how much a part of me thinks it’s what he deserves to hear. I want to hate him, hurt him, wound him for every second of pain I have endured at his carelessness with my heart. I just can’t, because I’m not that way and despite all he’s done to me, I do still love him. I never stopped needing or missing him, despite all of it.

I shake my head at him involuntarily, almost as though answering even when I am trying so hard to tell him to leave me alone.

“Why are you doing this?” I plead brokenly, willing him to stop torturing me and release me so I can go back home.

“Because I need to know, I need to hear you say you don’t love me anymore, in any way. I can’t risk missing even the tiniest hint of hope that I can get you back.” His moisture-filled, almost green, eyes penetrate mine with so much fear that it almost kills me.

“You’re an asshole. You don’t deserve my love.” Are the only things I can say as the gulf of tears open up again and I end up sobbing in front of him, crumbling inside at where we are and how we got here.

So much pain I have been bottling up for months that I refused to let out for fear it would never stop, and it chooses now to come tumbling out. I close my eyes and cover my face with my palms. He comes around me as he pulls me into an embrace, his arms tightening around my waist and shoulders, his face finding its way to bury into my neck. He almost squeezes the life out of me with a hug so strong I almost can’t breathe.

“You’re right. I am an asshole, Sophie, and so much more. I am so fucking sorry for what I did to you, to us. There are no words to tell you just how sorry I am. How much I regret every second of this. I love you, that’s all I have, and I mean it. One hundred percent, hand on my heart, I will swear on the lives of everyone I care about, that I love you, Sophie Huntsberger, in the way you once told me you loved me.”

Arrick grips me tighter when I try to push him away, crying hard, unable to stop it and unable to fight the arms on me. He isn’t letting me go, no matter how hard I push, and it exhausts me to try. The wetness from his face against my neck, and the way he’s breathing shallowly proves to me he is as emotional as I am. Crying against each other for the pain caused by each other. It’s ridiculous in a really sad way.

Why did you have to tell me you loved me now? Why not months ago before you ruined me?

“Don’t do this to me.” I plead softly, unable to reign in my weeping, breaking apart in his arms, unable to control the fight of fire and sorrow and losing my war. Arrick lifts his face to mine, pressing his forehead to me, pulling me so I can’t look anywhere but at him, through a haze of blurry tears. Every ounce of my battle armor sliding away, weakening and leaving me exposed.

“I need you … I want you back. I’m a mess without you. I love you so much that I literally can’t breathe anymore, and I want to be worthy of your heart again. I won’t stop trying to put the pieces back together if you let me in. Let me come home to you.” He’s equally fragile, begging me, and I really do not know how to react. I’m torn to a million pieces, fighting an internal tug of war of fear, hurt and confusion.

“You hurt me! You broke me, and then you left me alone.” Is the only thing I can whisper, accusingly, crying not subsiding as his thumb comes to brush my face and I impulsively push it away. He doesn’t break his hold, just brings his hand back and tries again, patiently. This time I don’t bite back and let him wipe some of the wetness away, closing my eyes at his familiar touch and hating that it still feels so right on my skin.

“I know, baby. I despise myself for every part of that and what I did. I’ll never hurt you again, I’ll never leave you alone again, I swear. Just give me a chance please, let me fix this. Let me try, Sophs. I’ll do anything. I love you. I really, really, love you. An all-consuming lost to everything but you, kind of way, which I will never recover from and I don’t want to recover from it.” He pleads softly but I keep my eyes closed to block him out, try so hard to reign in control of everything letting loose. Unable to think straight when he is all around me, consuming me and I don’t have anything left inside of me.

Emptiness, excruciating cramps coursing through my stomach and churning me up inside.

“I hate you.” I sob brokenly with no real conviction, as though I’m saying it to him after a stupid squabble or idiot thing he’s done in the past. The way it comes out sounds so juvenile and Sophie of old.

“I know you do.” He whispers softly, tilting my face to him with little resistance and leans his forehead against mine, testing to see if I’m going to push him away again, but I know I’m weakening. He’s always been the only one who got through my pain and helped me get past it, even though he’s the cause now and I want him to make it all stop. I want him to pull me from the dark and find the light once more; just wipe away the agony like he has done so many times in the past.

His mouth finds mine softly, cautiously; his lips warm and soft as they meet tear-drenched skin. His nose coming to nestle beside mine as he presses us together, my body held tight in his embrace, and this time I do not react with rage. I let him kiss me, softly, slowly, finding my mouth and lips opening to him despite every voice in my head telling me to push him away.

I am so confused as to what I want. He feels like my dreams, his kiss holding the possibility to push away so much pain and I want to stop hurting. I’m lightheaded from the amount of emotional turmoil racking my body and still swaying from being too drunk, and nothing in this seems like a bad idea anymore so I let myself go.

His hand finds its way to my throat, cupping gently, fingers sliding into my hair as he maneuvers his body around me, his height lower as he tries to get every single part of him in contact with my body.

Holding me against his mouth so the kiss neither stops nor progresses. It’s like he is breathing every part of me in, holding me here to imprint me to memory and I give in completely.

So lost to how it feels to be back in his safe embrace, every familiar thing about him surrounding me and begging me to give him a chance. I have always been defenseless when it comes to him and yielding is like breathing when he is the one asking for it.

I melt into him, my mind a whirring mass of confusion and fear and my own will telling me to push him away, but I can’t. Arrick is my weakness, he has been since the day I met him and all fight and anger dissipates as his hands slide around my face, cradling me in and teasing my lips open with his own. I surrender to the soft warm sensation of the most perfect kiss I could ever imagine, my own hands sliding around his neck as something inside of me ignites and I kiss him back surely.

Arrick seems to take my submission as a sign to let go, pushing my mouth open and caressing my tongue with his; the fire between us spiking and moving into an almost immediate fever from nowhere.

Fueled by everything we have brought to the surface and months of separated loneliness and heartbreak. We both cling to one another, kissing passionately, moving into something more satisfying than mouths moving in unison.

The arms around my waist tighten as he pulls me up against him and off my feet, as my arms and hands wrap around that strong neck and wide shoulders, tangling my fingers in his shirt collar and trailing nails up the short-cropped hair at the back of his neck. I lift my heels behind me in mid-air.

Losing myself in him this way is the only thing I want to focus on, a break from my exhaustive and whirring emotions. Consumed by a hunger that obliterates everything else and I don’t want it to stop.

We’re both panting, kissing hard when I flinch at the hard, stone surface against my back as he presses his body against me, having backed me into the wall of the house and it seems to free the animal in me without warning. As though every thought and objection dissipates and all I have is a burning desire engulfing me. My fingers carelessly rip at his bow tie and push his buttons open at his neck, discarding it with no cares as to where it lands. Arrick moves from my mouth to my neck, trailing nibbles and kisses along my throat, sending my fever pitch sky-high as I angle to let him have full access, weakening physically to the burning touch of his mouth on my throat.

My legs find their way to slide around his waist of their own accord and my dress rides high so that I am pressed fully to him. Arrick’s strong hands holding me up under my thighs as his body presses me flat against the wall, concealed by garden shrubs. His body feels so good, his mouth scorching me to insanity and the aching burn between my legs pushes all my demon buttons as I claw at his shoulders in a bid to get his jacket off.

A car passing close by alerts us to the fact we are still outside, very exposed, and shamelessly dry humping in a place anyone could stroll upon. Snapping attention back to reality as he drops me back on my feet, headlights skim above our heads over the bushes as he stands in front of me to conceal me from anyone who may be nearby. Arrick doesn’t say anything. He’s breathing hard and lingering close to my mouth, his pupils huge with sheer lust and mouth poised ready to kiss me again. He slides my dress back down around my thighs, holding onto me, staring at one another for a long breathless moment as he puts me to rights. I gaze at the mouth I want back on mine, the way he feels against me and ignore the voices trying to break through this haze of horniness.

“I want you, more than anything I have ever wanted in my life, all of you, baby, let me show you how much.” Arrick’s voice has some strength again, all thoughts of talking this out, fixing mistakes made, pushed aside in the face of this unbridled hunger. We’re both too fueled by champagne, burning with passion to think beyond the physical. I nod, completely unable to formulate words anymore as desire consumes me. Willing to follow him anywhere as long as his body is the reward.