37: Will There Be An Us?

❝ And I know it won't but I'm still here hoping that it gets better now ❞

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"This is the first time we've gone without meeting each other for so long." Simon whistled. "Damn, a week, can't believe it." It was true. We'd all hang out almost every day, fending off each other's miseries and little accomplishments, dreaming about what we wanted our future to look like and try to live in the moment. Seven kids with seven different personalities, but yet we needed each other. We needed the other six parts to fit our puzzles. Mix it with a bit of fun here and there, and that was that. It was our very own pity party, yet still a party nevertheless. But with the shit that went down last week, we all had a lot to process, and not to mention, a lot of things to take care of.

But there had been positives, yes. "All I did was lie in bed and watch series." Jack confessed, dragging his fingers up and down gently Katie's arm. There you go, as I said, a great amount of good came out of it. They both were officially together. Everyone was trying to joke around and pretend it was all okay now, but deep down, we all felt the fear that had been ingrained in us that day. The day we thought maybe, maybe we had lost all hope. We'd all gotten spoonful doses of the bitter, harsh reality, and we still were trying to go back to when things were normal.

"Yeah, I took off a few days from school as well." Jason cleared his throat. In all, it'd been a lot to process, individually as well as a group. "But hey, isn't it great that the two assholes got arrested?" We all nodded in agreement to that, because more than the damage they had caused to the mother-son duo, they were involved in the illegal smuggling of MDMA, Cocaine, Heroin and many other small scale cheap pills. Youth destruction, right there.

"Did you find out what connection Evan has with your dad?" Olivia questioned, as the others raised their brows in interest. Ray squeezed my shoulder in encouragement, and I sighed.

"Yeah well," sitting up and rubbing my hands nervously, I continued, "he used to be my dad's good friend. Evan dropped out of medical school one day and never contacted my dad back. Eventually, my dad moved on and got on with his life when approximately fourteen years ago, he showed up at the hospital my dad worked in with his eight year old son unconscious." A pause later, "Dad asked no questions, simply operated on his son who apparently needed a stent put in one of the veins. The son turned out to be stable and that is why Evan was talking about him owing his life to my dad."

The silence was eerie, but the sad kind, where you knew you couldn't do or speak anything that would make the situation better. I'd taken a day and sat with my dad, not diving too much into details and asking him about Evan Sanders. Dad had immediately turned somber and wistful, recalling all the good days he had been through with Evan, who had now turned to illegal means to earn money. He gave no reason, but dad suspected that his family, who wasn't very well off to begin with, couldn't afford the tuition for medical school.

"Well, fuck. Who would've thought." Katie humorlessly laughed, as we all managed to put on a wry smile nonetheless. "Don't you all realize it's December already? To think we only have about four months of high school and then we'll all be shipped to different parts of the country, if not world?" She further exclaimed incredulously, because maybe it was all a big joke. Why did growing up have to be so exciting yet so sacrificing? Why were we the way we were, really?

"Stop reminding me," Jack groaned, pulling Katie closer. "Katelyn Evans, we didn't need anymore reality checks. We've had enough this week." Grumbling, he cursed and shook his head, as the idea of exploring the world sunk in us. Terrifying, yet exciting. But mostly terrifying.

"What colleges are you bitches applying to?" A smug look flashed in Simon's eyes. "I'm aiming for USC of course. I wouldn't want to leave Southern California. Olivia and I might go together, by the way." He blurted the last part, his tone a mixture of happiness and smugness. I smirked, and he colored, immediately clearing his throat. "Yeah, well, so uhm, yeah." Laughter burst around and he frowned, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, yeah we get it. You and Olivia, of course." Jason nudged Liv, who was simply grinning goofily.

"This cocky idiot needs someone to tend to him, right?" At that, Simon's jaw fell slack and Liv plopped a kiss on his cheek which had his mood doing an one eighty.

"I'm literally seventh wheeling right here like oh my god!" Jason threw his hands up in the air. "I need to get myself a girl real quick."

"Enjoy being a bachelor dude, can't relate, because fuck if having a significant other isn't the best thing in the world." Ray's arms slid around from behind me and I leaned into him happily.

"Yeah, yeah I get it. Also, coming back to the topic, I applied to Ohio State University." We all stopped laughing. "I think I need a change of place, and my football scholarship has given me the bonus points I needed. I'm 97% sure I'm getting in." Jason Davis played good. Devastatingly, terrifically and beautifully good. He was a pretty fucking talented cornerback.

He nervously scratched his head. "I know we all decided to try and stay close, but I think this is the change I need. No doubt Moordale has given me plenty good memories, but this is also a place which has had a major part in causing the negative impact on my childhood. I just need out of here." Pursing his lips, his shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Of course, it's okay." Katie beat me to it, as she squeezed Jason's hand in support. "Choosing something for yourself is not something to feel guilty about."

"You're not selfish, Jason." His eyes widened, probably wondering how I figured that out. "I know you might think you spilled over the plans we concocted, but remember, you're being honest about it and it's not like you won't visit in the holidays right? Don't beat yourself up over it." He gratefully nodded, a small smile spreading across his lips.

"We support you, now and always." Ray piped.

"Me too."

"Me too." Simon and Jack followed.

"We all do." Olivia smiled, as his smile changed into a wide grin.

"I don't care how cheesy this sounds, but I love you guys to death." Simon fake gagged to that as Jason jumped on him, trying to kiss his cheeks.

"What about you lovebirds? Where have you both decided to go?" Liv questioned and I tensed, Katie noticing and raising a brow at that.

I nervously laughed. "I'm pretty much stuck between UCLA and NYU. Two ends, I know. But I think I might get into both, which will make the decision harder. Other than that, if I get into any one, I'll go for it." The others nodded, telling me they were impressed and that they knew I was about to go places, which was unlikely. I hadn't told them I'd applied to Yale, but my confidence had dwindled while checking out Stanford's page. I'd taken a shot at that too. Trying didn't hurt, anyways. But the fact that Ray had yet been radio silent on his college applications and what he wanted to major in struck a cord. I was starting to think he wasn't serious about anything future related, because he brushed off the topic anytime I brought it up.

"What about you Ray?" Katie inquired, her narrowing and focused on me. I'd had an interview session lined up after this for sure.

He cleared his throat. "I haven't really thought about it. We'll see." I froze, a million thoughts rushing through my brain. I hated the idea of long distance, but if it came down to it, I would do it for him. But he could give me a definite answer at least, because this was all looking like a high school romance soon to be forgotten and I didn't want that. At all.

"Oh." Katie hummed, her eyes flitting between us. "Well, Jack's piano teacher confirmed he'll be getting a full ride scholarship to Juilliard. I've always wanted to go to NYU, and it works in our favor because we hate long distance, don't we babe?" Jack nodded wistfully, pecking Katie's lips. It was no quantum physics to figure out the last sentence was a dig at us, and the atmosphere turned awkward, leaving me to shift in my seat. I knew Katie meant well, and maybe this confrontation was needed, as a wake up call to Ray to at least talk to me about it.

"Cool." Was all he said, as irritation spiked up in me. I valued honesty, I valued straight forwardness. If he didn't want to go through with me, he could at least come up clean to me about it.

"I better head home. It's getting late." Everyone sensed the change in my mood and nodded curtly, wishing me a goodnight. "See you guys at school on Monday."

"I'll drop you off." Giving me no chance to speak, he twined his fingers with mine and led me to the diner's parking lot, holding the passenger door open for me. Securing the seatbelt in place, I turned my attention outside the window, my eyes tracing the trees against the almost dark backdrop. "Are you done ignoring me?"

Anger flared up inside of me. "Well maybe if you could be honest with me, I wouldn't have to do that." The jeep screeched to a halt and my surprised expression met his tensed.

"I was being honest. I don't know what to do, okay?" Running his hands through his hair, clearly frustrated, he met my eyes. "With Sam's fragile condition and my mom working odd jobs, I don't know if I have the heart to leave them here. What's the point in studying, anyways. I need a high school degree to work." My jaw fell slack at that. While I could understand his sentiments, giving up his remaining education didn't sit right with me.

"Are you being serious right now?"

He shrugged his shoulders.

I fell back onto the seat, my fists clenching. "It's a shame really. You have talent filled up to the brim but yet you want to give it up." His gaze was steady on the steering wheel. "You know my dad has taken the responsibility of Sam and trust me it's not because I'm your girlfriend, but because he adores the kid. Do you know how they videocall every night to check up on him and my dad visits him whenever he can? I've never seen dad do that for anyone." I gulped heavily. "He's like a son dad never had." Ray stayed quiet.

"While I understand the feeling you are feeling, it's normal to be scared for them, but I don't think both of them, or your dad for the matter," his eyes blazed into me, "would like you giving up on your dream to become an artist when I know you want it." His jaw clenched and he scoffed.

"You don't know shit." I flinched. "Stop assuming things on your own. I said I don't want to talk about it then why the fuck are you forcing me to?"

Tears welled up my eyes as I bit my lip to hold them back. "So what about us?" The sentence was a whisper, trying to search for a light of hope to fuel it.

"I don't know, okay? I don't fucking know!" I cowered back into the seat at his rising voice, silently weeping. "Just—stop. Stop." His fingers raked through his hair as I watched him with my blurry vision, pain stabbing every part of my body like white hot daggers. My heart thumped and my adrenaline rushed, tears flowing unabashedly.

"Okay." I whispered, throwing the jeep door open and running towards the nearby bus stop in sight. He called out for me, but I didn't turn back, my vision blurry and dark and watery and everything...hopeless.

He didn't follow me back. He didn't.

I don't know what really hurt the most; the idea of us coming to an end soon, him giving up on his talent or watching him in pain. Regardless, everything him was more important than what I felt, which was just a screeching noise inside my brain that could be shadowed by the thoughts of what just happened.

The left side of my face was pressed on the bus window, the tears still leaking down my eyes, as I stared out trying to collect my thoughts and feelings. The chilly early December night made me pull my jacket closer to my body which was missing the heat of the jeep, even when the bus heater was running on full. But when you lost your source of warmth, everything felt cold and dismal and bleak.

Moonlight cast a glow on my face, as I whispered the unsaid words in my mind.

I love you, please don't leave me.

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:(

drop in which country you guys are from! I'm so curious and the stats for my book won't show up for some reason 😤