18: Conflicting Emotions

❝ Made a promise to myself, a promise I should stick to, talkin' to myself, I said I promised I'd quit you, I've been trynna let go but it's powerful, it grips you, first you think you got control until I see you, can't resist you ❞

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I spent the entire weekend being grumpy, annoyed, fucked up or eating piles of junk food with Katie. She was like my personal therapist, the only difference being that we didn't really solve the problem in hand, but instead gulped it down over bottles of Gatorade.

I was dreading Monday because it would involve me facing Ray, but surprisingly, Ray didn't attend school. Olivia informed us that he had to visit Sam's doctor as his mother was busy with work.

My heart clenched at that because no matter how shitty he was to me, his life was an endless circle of misery. No wonder he had made himself too sharp and hard. For a while, I'd thought that, for me, he did open up a bit but I realised that maybe it was a mistake. He never intended for that to happen, and when it did, he regretted that.

But that didn't justify his words. He had no right to say whatever he did. He didn't have an idea of how it affected me, and had affected me in the past. I had buried it deep inside of me now, but sometimes I was tempted to sought that refuge, that feeling of insanity.

The whole week passed by and I skillfully managed to avoid him. I wouldn't attend lunch with our usual group and instead would seek the hide of library where the librarian would secretely give me the permission to eat. In economics class, I would sit on the first bench and stuff my nose in the book.

It didn't help though. I could sense his presence even if I didn't look up. I could sense his gaze on me even when I was not looking at him. And I hated to admit it, but my heart still took leaps at the thought of him. I still silently worried when he would show up with a new bruise on his face every passing day. I would still look at him from afar and my heart would clench at his words.

I liked him so much, that it hurt.

I guess I should have given heed to the burning chemistry between us. How come had I never agreed upon the tension between us? I knew I was attracted to him, I knew he had the ability to make me fall to my knees, I knew I wanted him. In so many ways.

So why had I just let it go? Why had I not considered it seriously?

Sighing, I dumped the books in my locker and closed it only to let out a scream.

Simon was leaning on the next locker and was smiling like an idiot, which made it more so creepy.

"Sup, babe?" He flicked my forehead and flashed me a flirtatious grin. Shaking my head, I started walking towards the exit gate as he fell into step beside me.

"What's with the babe? You know I'm not your babe. Go call Olivia that!"

"Olivia is my—WAIT A MINUTE!" He stopped and shook my shoulders; a shocked expression plastered on his face. "How do you—YOU KNOW?"

Letting out a laugh, I said, "Of course idiot! I'm not blind. I could see right through you."

His face fell and a vulnerable look crossed his eyes. "Hey, please don't tell her or anyone for that matter," He rubbed his forehead before continuing, "it would, you know, affect mine and her friendship."

My mouth formed into a thin line and I patted Simon's shoulder. Poor guy, he had liked Olivia for so long.

"I won't Simon. But you should talk to her about it. I feel like she may like you back!" And I wasn't lying. There was a reason why Olivia still picked food at lunch only for her and Simon while grumbling how Simon was so lazy. There was a reason why she always stood beside him when we stood as a group. She levitated around him, she rotated around him. No matter where we were, they both were always together, hands around each other's shoulders. There was a reason why she smiled even when she was irritated by Simon's goofiness.

"Oh no. I don't think she does," His face morphed to form a look of hurt and I felt bad for him.

"I think she does. But you should take it slow, hint about you two indirectly and see how she reacts. Maybe you'll get your answer then. " He smiled and nodded at that, as we started walking towards the parking lot.

Katie had caught a ride with Jack and Olivia because apparently they had shopping to do for some party which I was obviously not attending after what happened. It would take some time for me to recover from that initial shock. Jason was practicing for his football match and Ray had already left.

Hence it was just me and Simon.

"So I completely forgot why I came to see you," he said as he kicked the pebbles on the road mindlessly. "I heard about you and Ray, I'm so sorry."

Oh I should have known.

My shoulders tensed up and Simon glanced up at the sudden change in my posture. "I didn't mean it that way, I'm sorry."

"No it's okay. I mean he always made it clear that he hated me to my guts so I guess it was me who was delusional and thought that maybe it could have been more." I hated how my voice came out soft and edgy. I hated how he made me be into. I wasn't like this.

"I don't think so." Simon said, surprising me with his words.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean he really changed after he met you and it was a good change. He started to talk to us more and smile more. He talked about you to us—it was always June is so stubborn but she makes me want to do the right things— and even if he made it look like he was irritated, he had this small smile playing on his lips."

Rendered speechless, I stared off into the surroundings, processing Simon's words.

His voice brought me back.

"Ray has always had secrets. It's a part of him. And I'm sure he has his reasons as to why he is pushing you away. The night of the party where you almost got.." I gulped and he nodded, "he called me after dropping you at Olivia's. He sounded so helpless and so defeated because he was devastated at the thought of you getting hurt. I thought he was going to cry."

"Really?" My voice cracked as I held my tears back.

"Yeah. I agree that what he said to you is not acceptable but I'm just finding it hard to believe that he meant that. I believe he has his reasons. " He stopped in front of his car as I faced him. "So give it some time, I'm sure things will be okay, sweetheart."

I sent a small smile his way and hugged him, while whispering a small thank you. Turning back to walk, I was stopped as Simon called my name.

"Yes?"

"Just FYI, he didn't fuck Kiki."

My eyes widened in surprise as Simon's smirk grew bigger. "Why would you tell me that? I don't care!!" I yelled, desperately trying to hide my red face.

"Oh darling, I know it bothered you. Happy now?" I glared at him and stomped away quickly in the opposite direction as Simon's laughs still echoed behind me.

Well, I was kind of glad and relieved.

The road I was walking on was quite deserted and I was surprised because it was Friday. I guess everyone had parties to go to.

The air was starting to become cooler as October approached. Atleast, something good was happening in my life. Winters were my favorite. I could go on and on about why I was so deeply in love with winters, but I stopped because I noticed certain movement behind an alley.

It was as if a black figure had rushed in there. Groaning and crunching sounds could be heard faintly and my heart bumped wildly in my ribcage. Inching closer to the alley, I started walking on tiptoes to not make any sound, and finally stood behind a pole.

Immediately, my hand flew up to cover my mouth because I was just about to scream. Tears stinged at the back of my eyes as they unfolded the scene in front of them.

Ray was being beaten by three black figures. He was throwing a punch or two in between but they had obviously outnumbered him. Blood oozed from his nose and black-blue bruises adorned his entire body as he continously received kicks in his abdomen.

"Give" kick "Me" kick "My" kick "Money" kick kick "Back" punch "You" kick "Son" kick "Of" kick punch "A bitch" kick.

As soon as these words left the person's mouth Ray growled and stood up with whatever energy he had and punched the guy square on his jaw.

"Don't call my mother a bitch, you asshole," he screamed as he kicked the third guy in his shin. The guy fell sidewards but Ray fell back due to the lack of energy in his body.

The voice of tires and car horns alerted the guys and they ran away not before warning Ray that they would be back and he'd pay worse.

Ray just lay there, almost lifeless, spitting blood once in a while. My feet were stuck and didn't want to move, but my eyes were flowing rivers as my hands shook.

I needed to help him.

Stumbling over, I walked up to him and a gasp left my mouth. He was injured very badly. His nose was profusely bleeding and his cheek gushed blood. His knuckles were battered and there were scratches and bruises everywhere I laid my eyes on. He had a black eye and his bottom lip was burst open.

My hands shook as I lowered myself down to touch him. My fingers grazed over his cheek and his eyes fluttered as if he had sensed something.

"A—Are y—you o—okay?" Stuttering, I checked his injuries. With whatever strength he had left in him, he managed to open his eyes and look at me. A vulnerable emotion filled his irises but there was still the fiery wrath present.

Grunting and groaning, he sat up, as he dusted himself.

"Why are you here?" His voice came out deep and raspy, but his eyes clenched shut from the pain he felt due to speaking.

"I was passing by, and I—I thought I heard something." Brushing the strands of hair over my face, I looked at him to see that he was already staring at me.

"You always manage to follow me and see me in my worst times. What is wrong with you?" He practically screamed before continuing, "Do you know how dangerous they were? If they'd seen you here, they wouldn't have spared you. Get out of your Mother Teresa acts and just learn to ignore things that aren't meant for you. I'm not your charity that you feel inclined to help me whenever you please." He rubbed his forehead and spit out some more blood.

Anger flowed down my veins.

"You are not my charity. It's an act of humanity. Besides what do you expect me to do when I stumble across three people beating a guy? Run away? They would have seen me run away. So stop acting like a know-it-all and stand up. We need to go to the doctor. Get it?"

My chest rose up and down at my outburst but I felt better. That idiot needed to hear it. "Besides I hate you too much to even help you anymore but you are hurt and even if Stefan was in your place, I would've helped him. Now get up."

I didn't miss the rush of pain flowing through his eyes and I wondered what caused that. Nonetheless he regained his cold composture and stood up, limping. I placed his hand on my shoulders and I almost fell at his weight.

He chuckled and I sent a glare his way, but that didn't stop the smirk from coating his lips. I held him by his waist and we walked slowly towards the main road, where luckily, a Taxi was passing by.

In ten minutes we were outside the City Hospital where the nurses immediately tended to him and the doctor ran all the tests and scans. Fortunately, only his nose was broken and there were minor injuries which needed to be stitched up.

An hour later, his nose was set into place and he was bandaged up. The nurses helped him out, while simultaneously instructing him on how to wash the injuries and how much pain killers he needed to take. I mentally made a note to get him the medicines on our way back.

"Let's go," I said as I made a booking for an Uber. He was sat on a wheelchair because he had his ankles twisted. I pushed the chair forward towards the exit gate.

"What about the hospital fees?" He asked, turning his head around to look at me.

"I took care of them, don't worry," I said nonchalantly, not removing my gaze from the phone screen.

"I said I was not your charity case. Let me pay," He growled as he began to stand up. I pushed him back on the chair and glared at him.

"I know you're having money problems okay? I can understand. You can pay me back when everything is solved. I'm not doing this favour for you for free, shithead." He looked taken aback by my words but nodded meekly, his eyes turning away from mine.

Buckling him up in the taxi, we drove down the river to where his house was situated. He didn't utter a word and simply kept staring out of the window. I zoned myself out with ear phones in my ear and thoughts raging inside of my mind.

Shooting a quick text to my mom so that she wouldn't worry, I started contemplating over the situation I was in right now.

I was with a boy who hated me to death and I helped him. Simon's words echoed somewhere at the back of my head and I couldn't help but wonder if they were true. And then I remembered the look in Ray's eyes; as if he was so much in pain.

We were soon outside his house and I helped him out of the taxi. Sending the driver off, we walked up to the door where he stood awkwardly.

"I don't know what to say." He scratched the back of his neck, his gaze flitting sideways but never meeting mine.

"A thank you will suffice." I replied and scoffed while my mind tried to figure him out. He looked up and straight into my orbs, keeping quiet for a while.

"What about a sorry?" He said after a while.

I let out the breath I was holding in and sighed heavily. "A simple sorry won't mend what you said Ray. The damage is done. I don't care anymore, and I've decided I won't interfere anymore. So it's alright," Moving my balance from right foot to left, I looked up at him and shrugged my shoulders.

He clenched his jaw and his face fell down as he moved aimlessly.

"Thank you for today." His voice came out low, but I could tell he really meant it. And because I heard that genuinity in his voice, I decided to give him one last chance.

"Do you have something you want to tell me Ray? Or something you'd like to explain to me?" My heart was beating rapidly.

We stayed like that for awhile—looking intensely into each others eyes—without uttering a single word. Numerous emotions flashed along his eyes as he clenched his fists tightly.

I was losing hope.

"No." He said, averting his gaze.

Tears brimmed along the corner of my eyes and I nodded, more to myself, and soaked in his no.

A simple no.

How powerful it was, it sure as hell devastated me.

"Okay. Then this is a goodbye Ray. I really hope you become mature someday and learn to own up to your mistakes." He only stared as I turned back to go.

"Ray, oh my god darling, what happened to you?" A motherly voice squealed and I turned back to see a beautiful woman in her late 40's gushing over Ray.

"Mom it's okay. I'm fine." He gently tried push his mother back as she engulfed him into a warm but tight hug. He winced, probably because she rubbed along his injuries, but didn't let go of his mom.

"I'm sure they did this to you. We should have not borrowed more money from them after your father—" Ray cut his mom off from speaking by placing a hand over her mouth, sensing my presence.

"Mom stop. And why are you home? Aren't you supposed to be at the bar?"

"No, I asked for a week's leave. I cannot leave Sam alone when he has to go through those scary check-ups. And nor can I throw all the responsibility on you." Her eyes were filled with pure love and pain; and my heart yearned for them. He simply nodded.

His mother looked at him and smiled but then her eyes settled on me and she lightened up.

"Oh who do we have here?" She beamed right at me and I straightened myself as she walked over to me.

I should've just left, damn.

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Happy new year lovelies <3 It's already Jan 1st, 2021 where I live, though it might not be for some of y'all. Let's hope we all come out of this deadly pandemic safe and sound! Wishing y'all health, safety and prosperity!