11: Guilt Drove Me Crazy

❝ Walking up the stairs, I got pictures all around me, bringing up the pain that I tried to bury so deep, when I see your face, I remember it's because of me, it's because of me ❞

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I threw open the office door rather forcefully, and to the onlookers, it would've seemed rather dramatic considering the fact that I was panting heavily as well. The teachers looked up, some bored, while some annoyed. I wouldn't blame them.

Making my way to Ms Rose, the administrator, I tried to make my breathing even.

"Yes, Ms Williams?" She enquired, rasing a brow.

"Uhm, I'm here to ask for Ray Rutherford's address." As soon as these words left my mouth, she sat up straight, an amused expression on her face.

"And why do you want his address?"

"I want to meet up with him for a school project." I blurted out.

"Well, I'm sorry but I cannot disclose a student's personal information to you. If he hasn't told you, what makes you think I should believe you, Ms Williams?" A hard expression was plastered on her face. I knew I would get nothing out of her.

Disappointed but not surprised, I walked out of the office. I knew it wouldn't be that easy to pry information out of her, but nevertheless I was sad.

How do I make sure he's fine?

Dragging through the day, the only thing that was on my mind was Ray. Where was he? What was he doing? What was he going through?

My heart ached for him. When Olivia told me that he had a different way of coping with things, I couldn't help but let my mind wander off to thoughts that were dark and very painful. I just wished he knew many people appreciated and loved him. And I planned on making him believe that.

××

"Rivers often break into multiple streams, sometimes created naturally or manually..." Mr Warners voice echoed through the room, as he explained further about the working of rivers in geography class.

River.

Jason was accusing Ray of taking his car to a river.

Did Ray live nearby a river?

Like a little spark ignites a stove, my mind instantly ignited with a spark of hope and I couldn't wait for this period and school to get over.

Rushing out and stumbling in my way, I avoided clashing into any of my friends and made my way straight to the taxi stand.

Our little town of Moordale situated in the heart of California had River Saint running through it's South end. It was a journey of almost 45 minutes from our school.

Thinking about it, Ray always arrived at the school late and had wet mud decorating his boots and lower edges of his jeans. It all seemed to make sense.

As the taxi driver took me further and further to the destination, I saw the obvious change in the surroundings. The trees had become denser and thicker, a cool rush of wind constantly blowing. Birds were spotted more and the roads shifted from smooth cemented ones, to rocky muddy ones.

It was refreshing and a very peaceful area. The driver dropped me around the only residencies I could find near the river and I hoped that this was where Ray stayed.

Treading through the muddy paths, I was happy to be wearing my black boots today. I wouldn't have survived the pain of watching and destroying my favorite pair of sneakers.

The air was eerie and a cold feeling settled as I neared the tattered down houses and some small apartments. There were only a few and devoid of humans, it seemed. My heart sunk; I was hoping to catch a sight of Ray.

Deciding to do everything I could while I was here, I knocked on the first of the house, hoping to get some information out of them.

An old lady—in her 70's probably—answered the door for me, her eyes curious.

"Hello. Do you know someone called Ray who lives around here?" I knelt down as she was sitting on a wheelchair. She spoke nothing but it seemed like she had something to say.

"Daisy, who's at the door?" An elderly, manly voice called out followed by the footsteps which grew closer and closer. And then I saw him, a man also in his 70's with a kind smile on his face. I instantly felt warm and safe.

"Yes, dear?" He questioned.

"Uh I was actually looking for Ray. Ray Rutherford. Does he live around here?" I crossed my fingers behind my back.

And then he broke into a wide grin.

"You're looking for Ray? Oh, I never knew Ray had a friend! And that too a young, beautiful lady like you. My my, Ray's been too secretive these days. Well taken, after all the stuff he's been through..." The man trailed off, and stared into the vision before he drawled back.

"Sorry about that. He lives right next door but right now, you wouldn't find him. He must be at the river, sitting alone and prying on his thoughts. He likes to be alone, that lad. It's bad for him," He paused but then again, a small smile plastered over his face. "I've always told all the people living here that he must have a friend, he's too scared to bring them here. He's the kindest person I've ever met my entire life."

The elderly woman in the wheelchair smiled at that too, as a tear drop slipped down her eyes.

"My wife lost her speaking abilities in her 50's and my son kicked us out of his house. We came here about 12 years ago, when Ray was just six, and since then, he has always helped us with whatever he could. A great boy he is, even though his dad—" The man was cut off because a voice too familiar called out my name.

"June?"

I turned back only to face the boy I'd been dying to see. He looked tired, worn out and my heart dropped.

"Hey.." I waved awkwardly, suddenly realizing that Ray might not be too happy to have me here. He didn't tell his friends about where he lived for a reason. His face didn't hold any emotion and neither did his eyes give anything away.

"Ray, my dear boy, I was just telling this young lady here about—"

The next thing I knew was that I was being dragged along , with Ray's hand gripped tightly around my wrist.

"Where are you taking me?" I yelled, as I stumbled and fell. He didn't waste a minute before hauling me up, not even regarding the blood seeping out from my knees.

"Ray—"

"SHUT UP!" He screamed, and I froze, tears crawling around my eyes. His chest rose and fell fast, as he raked his hands in his hair, a desperate effort to keep himself calm.

"Are you oka—"

"Who gave you my address?" His voice was cold and he radiated anger.

"I—I found out myself," I stuttered, backing away from him a little. Taking in the surroundings, I realized we were on the bank of a river.

"I don't know what made you think you could come here uninvited, but just to let you know, you are not welcome. So, fuck off." His words were like a stab to my heart. A pinch to my care. A kick to my worry.

"I just wanted to make sure that you were okay," I croaked, not sure what to say anymore. "I'm sorry for coming here univited, but I really was worried about you. I keep forgiving you and giving you chances even when you don't deserve them. I keep letting you hurt me." Not hearing anything from him for a moment, I dared to look up.

Everything in my life had to go wrong. The denial from everyone at school, being labeled as the nerd, being shouted on and now also being cheated on.

Maybe I was the problem. Maybe I deserved to not be loved. I had played the victim card my entire life, but I should have looked back at my own problems.

Step by step, I backed away and sat on the bank. I was meant to be alone. People in my life were meant to leave me alone. My chest hammered, the fear of being left alone coming back with great intensities. Everything was a blur around me now. Whether Ray was still there or not, I had no idea and honestly, I was okay if he left as well.

Someday, I had to face my problems on my own. I would have no one by my side. I would have no one to pick me up after I fell.

Frantically wiping my tears, I tried to stand up to leave, but a sharp pain ran through my leg. Funny how I always got injured due to Ray and how he never gave a fuck about it.

A hand held me and gave me support as I stood up and saw it was Ray. I shrugged it off, not sure how to feel about him helping me.

He seemed rather hurt, but I didn't know anymore what he felt, or what he thought.

"It was my mistake to come here, agreed. But just to let you know, I didn't have the intention to come here and mock you. I came here because as soon as I woke up from my fever, I got to know you hadn't been to school as well.

"Not only me, but your friends were worried to death. I know I don't qualify as your friend, but hey, I cared. Sorry for that. And as you said, I'll fuck off."

Turning around, I tried to walk, limping or whatever, I didn't care. I had to get out of here and cry. I knew I said I wouldn't give up on Ray, but I could only do that if he let me in.

I stumbled, wincing in pain when at the same time, I was scooped up in the sturdy arms of Ray yet again. I did not try to look up and neither did I struggle against him, my mind too busy to even process anything.

After about ten minutes, he brought me up to what seemed like his home. Throwing his keys on the kitchen counter, he placed me on a couch as he opened a drawer to pull out the first aid kit.

I took my time drinking in his house. It was nothing like I imagined it to be. Even if it was tattered from the outside, the inside was very well maintained. Yes, it wasn't that big but it had a cosy touch to it. Multiple video games littered at the foot of the TV and I smiled at it, remembering how much he loved to play those.

He came back almost silently and without a word started to scrape my wound clean with antiseptics. His eyes remained focused on my wound while mine remained focused on him, trying to figure him out.

He had made himself like a cactus—wet and soft from inside, yet prickly and tough from the outside. I wondered what or who caused this Ray to emerge.

Setting aside the box, he took a seat beside me, his hands neatly folded in his laps.

"I'm sorry," is all he whispered before his gaze turned down. And his apology wasn't really for just today, I felt like it went deep back. His eyes rendered an emotion I rarely saw—guilt.

We remained quiet for a while until a loud shout erupted from the front door. A little boy of about seven years old ran through the passage and straight away jumped into Ray's arms.

Ray's face changed from serious to playful as he picked the boy up and tickled him every where. Finally, the boy's eyes settled on mine, a curious expression obvious on his face.

"And who are you?" He asked, stepping forward.

"I'm June, an acquaintance of your brother's." I refrained from saying friend, and hurt flashed across Ray's eyes.

"June? As in the month June?" He quizzed.

I laughed at his innocence and nodded my head, as the boy burst into the cutest and the widest grin I'd ever seen.

"I like you!" He stated, before kissing me on my cheek. I laughed and patted his head.

"I'm Sam, Ray's not-so-little brother!" He shook hands with me before running up the stairs.

Ray nervously scratched his head, before speaking, "Yeah, that's my little brother. He usually doesn't take a liking to people. I'm surprised he likes you."

I wanted to ask more, but the "fuck off" wouldn't leave my mind and hence I stood up. And Ray sat up from his seat in a flash as well, as if confused about why was I leaving.

"I better leave, I know I'm not welcome here." My voice remained monotone, even if half my anger had died down.

"June, I didn't mean any of that," He let out a sigh, before running his hands through his dark, black messy hair. "I just—I'm not in a good place mentally right now. I'm sorry for removing that anger on you. I was really surprised to see you here when I've never told anyone where I live. You could say that you were the last person I'd expected to see at the front of my doorstep."

I knew that coming here was a mistake. I should have asked him.

"I know, I'm sorry for coming here unannounced. I should have respected your boundaries. But I was just worried..." Biting my lip, I stopped myself from speaking further, restraining my thoughts.

He doesn't care, my mind repeated.

But I wanted to know.

"I was just really angry on you leaving me abruptly that day at the party. I was really confused and disappointed. What had I done for you to leave me there alone? And then, then...that boy." I swallowed the tears that were welling up in my eyes. Ray moved forward as if he wanted to hug me but he held himself back.

He groaned, pulling on his hair, a desperate attempt to calm himself down.

"You didn't do anything wrong. As for that boy, he's a piece of shit," clenching his fists he sighed, continuing, "I was just struck with feelings that I shouldn't be feeling, emotions I shouldn't be having. I was scared and so I ran away."

He was scared.

Of what?

"And I've never felt guilty about hurting anyone as much as I've felt guilty about hurting you."

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Self hate and low self esteem are the worst demons. To those who are in that phase, or have got out, I love you and you are beautiful, perfect and strong just the way you are <3