65: To Let Go

There's an emptiness in the eyes of those who have seen the worst of the world. A darkness after the light has gone out. I'd seen it in Philip, Lance, Cyr, Dad, Xon, Hoku, the other guards, including Leofwin. It seemed to make them less than alive, a bit dead inside. I wondered if they had noticed themselves decaying from the inside out. Or if they'd just accepted it and let that darkness take over.

My sword was in my hands just as Leofwin's descended upon me. The hilt in one hand and the blade in the other in a desperate attempt to defend myself.

"Leofwin," I cried, "you don't have to do this."

He withdrew his sword only to reposition himself which gave me enough time to do the same. He circled me, sword aimed and ready as I did the same.

The rain roared on and the wind just as wild. Leofwin didn't seem to care that I was me, which made me consider if it were truly him.

"Leofwin is it really you?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" He asked, but where he usually sounded timid and feeble he was now cold and unfeeling.

"Why are you doing this then?"

"Why don't you take a guess."

He lunged. I parried. Blade against blade, neither of us willing to give in. I fought to live but what was he fighting for? "Did Cyr send you?"

He disengaged, only to swipe once again, slicing me across the shoulder. I hissed and fell back. He stood over me, regarding me through slits, sword pointed at my throat.

"You're not a real knight, are you?" He asked.

His words caught me off guard. I let my defenses fall. "If not Cyr then did the King send you?"

A cold smirk flashed across his face. I couldn't know for sure who had sent him, but one thing was certain, he had to get rid of me.

I kicked his knee in and he went crashing to the ground. I took his place, standing over him with the tip of my own sword raised over his heart. He stared up at me, smirking as though a push of my wrist couldn't end his life.

"A real knight wouldn't hesitate."

"We don't have to fight. I'll explain why I did it, if you'd just let me."

For a brief moment he hesitated. But he quickly steeled himself and stared straight ahead, whispering words I couldn't decipher. I looked away, following his line of sight to find nothing. Not even rain.

I fell to a crouch protecting as much of my head as I could. My wings came out to block out the knives that bombarded me from above. I'd be lying if I said each hit didn't sting like a real knife would, perhaps worse. All the while, I never let my sword slip from my grip. I would have rather died than let go.

Ice crawled up my feet and encircled my ankles. The ice daggers that managed to force their way into the flesh of my wings, seemed to run beneath my skin, freezing my blood.

I burst from the little cocoon I had made myself. Ice exploded and fell all around me in a million crystalline shards. The ice within me melted away.

But just as I broke free a jet of frozen water met me head on, propelling me back with the force of a giant's throw. When I landed, my sword was beyond my reach and I was at the tip of a cliff. The sound of rushing water rivaled that of the storm just beyond the cliffs edge.

"You don't want to kill me either!" I shouted over the clamour of rain and river and the howl of the wind.

He scoffed. "Forgive me, I've prolonged your pain."

"If you really wanted to kill me, you'd have let them bloom."

He bristled. I reached for my sword but he slammed a foot into my wrist before I could even touch it. Pain shot like lightning through the rest of my arm and I couldn't help the scream that left me.

"Why don't you kill me then?" He sneered. "It wouldn't be as difficult as breathing, wouldn't it?"

I bit down the pain, forcing it out of my thoughts. It would be gone soon enough. "Because—" The words failed me as the pain overcame me. But I recalled one smiling face and I knew just why I couldn't take Leofwin's life. "Because your life is as precious as any."

He froze in place. Then, darker than ever were his eyes, but I discovered a faint flicker that only the darkest of darkness could enable. Like the sparkle of a star in the black of night. Mercy.

"Leave," he said, "if I see you ever again I won't hold back."

Relief flushed through me. But that came and went like a flash of light. He kicked my sword over the cliff's edge and I dove over after it.

~~~

I died for the second time. But this time felt more real than the first, even though I could very well feel my heart beat and my blood move. My chest rose and fell. But I was dead.

Shivering yet I was. Cradled by cold I lay. Hours ran on without my notice. By the time I woke, the sun was high in the sky but were I lay beneath the trees it was dark, as it usually is.

I sat forward taking in my surroundings. A forest, it seemed, a very familiar one at that. I was lying in a stream but how had I wound up here in the first place?

Then it all came back to me. And I clambered to my feet, taking in my surroundings with a new drive. Every which way I turned, I was met with moss and more moss.

No no, this couldn't be. I ran opposite the current, holding on oh so desperately to the chance that I hadn't lost my sword. My family.

Light hit the metal hilt at an angle and the tremendous weight that came with hope fell. But when I stepped close enough to find the hilt empty, dread laced my veins and I fell to my knees, searching the stream for the green shimmery gem.

My chest squeezed and though my heart beat a million times faster, I hardly needed it to, because I was slowly believing that I was closer to death than ever. Tears clouded my sights and trickled past my cheeks. "No," I cried, "no, this isn't real."

I dug my fingers into the dirt, yanking out mud and roots and all. Green shone beneath the murk and my heart swelled with relief. But yet again, my luck didnt fail to disappoint. I found two identical gems, then three, and it seemed just a little bit further down more gems laid just at the stream's bed.

Each gem was no different from the other whether it be by shade or shape.

I wanted to cry and scream and burn every last tree to bits. I wanted to run wild with rage till I burned myself out. But I didn't. Instead I stayed stuck in place, knee deep in mud, picking through every gem I could get my hands on, turning them over and over till I could find a difference. Should I have gone mad, I didn't quite care. Even if my knees hurt, and my bones shivered, and the skin of my hands wrinkled, and my eyes burned...even if...

I must have gone numb and deaf because I didn't feel him nor did I hear his voice. He took my hands in his and kneeled with me, before me.

"Mo," he murmured, "stop."

I pulled away but his grip only tightened. "I can't."

"You can't do this forever."

"I'll take them all if I have to." I tugged my hands out his and returned to my search.

"Take the wrong gem and you'll never leave this forest."

I froze.

"Well I can't just leave them here!" All that anger, all that rage, came pouring out.

"You have to let them go!" He gripped me by the arms, keeping me from my own destruction.

"It isn't that easy! Not everything is easy Philip!"

"Think of what they would want, do you think they would want you to be here trapped by Time trying endlessly to save them but never being able to."

"You don't understand." I felt myself fall apart. "They're all I have."

"You have me."

The blaze of anger dissipated. He held me as I trembled and wept.

I didn't realize then that all along, I wasn't as alone as I had made myself believe. Blinded by my loss I couldn't see what I had gained. I was only now seeing that I had lost my family so long ago, and it would take all my strength to let them go and accept what I had now been blessed with.

"They would want you to be happy."