66: Foolish

Have you ever walked so far without knowing where you are going? Have you ever found yourself somewhere not knowing how you got there?

As I laid on that warm mattress and stared out at the raging storm, I wondered how I came to be there.

The door creaked open and candle light spewed into the room. Philip entered, a tray of steaming food in one hand and a lamp in the other. He smiled slightly, hesitant almost. His smiles are never hesitant.

I sat up, feeling like my skin had grown too heavy to bear. Each pulse of my heart was a pinch. I didn't want to be.

"You should eat, you've barely ate."

I took the tray but I knew I wouldn't eat. Eating was the last thing on my mind. He turned away to leave when his name left my lips. "Won't you keep me company?"

He bristled but turned round. Despair crossed his countenance. He lowered to the floor, leaned against the wall and didn't speak a word.

"I'm sorry if I haven't been myself for awhile." But as I said it, I wondered who myself was.

"Don't be. If you feel like crying, don't hold back your tears. If you feel like talking, don't hold back your thoughts. If you need a hug, I'm always here. Till it hurts a little less, I'll wait."

His words warmed me to the core. "I've been thinking." Thinking's all I had been doing when I wasn't just breathing. "You should leave."

His gaze burned into the side of my face. And his tone, if it was any indication, told me my words cut him deep. "Why would I?"

"Because I can't lose you too." My hands trembled. "I can't have you having such thoughts of rebellion. I can't have you put yourself in danger."

A moment passed, filled only by the crash of a million rain drops beating against the roof and the earth.

"I'm glad I met you," he said. "I'm glad I got to know you. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry if I ever regreted meeting you, knowing being by you meant I had to give up everything. But what has happened, has happened and if Time were to give me another chance, I can say without hesitation I'd do it all over again. Because you thought me something I wouldn't have discovered on my own, love. The foolish kind of love that encompasses all."

His gaze met mine and his eyes communicated so much more than his words ever could.

"Don't do it Philip."

"I'm too far gone now. This is bigger than you and I and you know that. If we should be apart, I'll let you walk away but I won't."

Fear shackled me in place. Fear of chaos. Fear of failure. Fear of loss. "If anything happens to you, I'll never forgive myself for allowing you to follow the path straight to Death."

He cracked a small smile. "My Dad said something very similar to that. I didn't look back then. And I won't look back now."

"If I lose you then I might just lose myself."

"Then protect me and I'll protect you."

His words suddenly gained new meaning. Once a sappy promise now an offer of comradship. "You think I should rebel?"

"Believe me, I'd much rather have the people who hurt you continue to suffer under the reign of King Arthur. At least I did. But I know you wouldn't want that. Not at the cost of others like you who suffer the consequences of their parents' love."

"Who's to say Cyr and his men will succeed?"

"I believe if enough voices shout loud enough, his majesty will hear and perhaps even listen. And if enough fists are raised we can crumble even the castle walls should our pleas fall upon deaf ears."

He was stubborn and determined. I couldn't bring him back however hard I tried. My faith in hopes and dreams had ran dry the moment I knew I'd never be able to save my family.

"Why did you take the sunflower seed?"

I stilled at the sudden change in topic. "I had to, I had to do something, anything to buy her some time. If it meant they'd be free." And as I said it, I became a reflection of him.

"But what if you didn't take the antidote on time? What if you had died? Didn't you think of me when you took that seed?"

I remembered starkly, smiling at Philip and awaiting his. Thinking back, if he had smiled back perhaps I wouldn't have done it. I would've hesitated. I'm glad he didn't, because it made me realize I didn't live for someone but to do what was right. What was good. My purpose wasn't bound to one but to all. The foolish kind of love.

"Is it selfish to love you?" I barely heard myself. But he did.

"How can love ever be selfish?"

His words hung in the air, filling the room with a million other questions. But I only asked one.

"Did you mean what you said that night? About spending the rest of your life with me."

"If you'll let me, I want to be a part of your dream. We can live out on the farm. Have as many kids as we want. And grow old and wrinkly together."

"But that isn't your dream. You wanted to be a knight. To serve your kingdom."

"I still can. But you can have more than one dream, and you just became my best dream yet. The one I desire the most."

I slid off the bed and sat across from Philip. He stretched out his arms and welcomed me into his embrace.

He had a warmth I didn't know I needed, but as I fell into him, I dreaded the day I'd loose that warmth. And I'd do anything to keep it, for a little while longer than today, if possible. And Maybe even longer than that. I'd do anything to keep that fire burning, just as I fought to keep my family. I so longed to keep fighting, but I'd lose, and I'd keep losing for as long as Time is.

"I can't forget them."

His thumb traced the outline of the bones of my back. "No one expects you to."

"I keep thinking back to that moment. And I wish I didn't choose to fight. I shouldn't have, I wish I hadn't. Then maybe I wouldn't have lost them."

Philip stilled. He pulled away and held me at arms length. His gaze was hardened now. "Who was it?"

I hesitated, contemplated the consequences. "What will you do?"

"Was it the Kuebiko?"

"No," I faltered, "I can't be sure."

"What do you mean?"

Forgiveness was still a sour thought, but what Philip would do to him I definitely didn't want to even consider. "Does it matter who did it?"

"Of course it does, what if they come back to hurt you?" Ardor filled his eyes. "How can I protect you if I don't know who could hurt you?"

I thought back to Leofwin's threat. And I couldn't help but question, why me? I was well aware of my crimes but I wondered which one drove him to that extent. Could I even return to Kreatier, knowing it would be just the same as walking into a lion's jaw.

"Mo?"

"It was Leofwin."

First confusion but soon after he's features darken dangerously. "Why?"

"I don't know. He could have easily killed me then and there but he hesitated. Besides I don't think he knew what he was doing when he kicked my sword off the cliff."

"You don't know that."

"I don't but, knowing doesn't change the fact that I can't take back what happened. Or bring my family back, ever."

The wrath in his gaze slowly melted away. "It was never your fault. And it never will be. And I don't ever want you to think that you caused this to happen."

"I know, I do. I just keep thinking of the things I could have done. The things that might have saved them. What if we hadn't had supper in the fields, or if Dad hadn't sung. If Anselm hadn't died—"

"Anselm?" Recognition flashed in his eyes. "Is he a mage?"

"How did you know?"

His hands fell away. "He was a mage recruit form Redmond. A good friend of mine. How do you know him?"

"I was told to find him, before...before it happened."

"Anselm was a nature mage."

"Then we can't be speaking of the same Anselm." I refused to believe it was all for nothing. It couldn't have.

"He always spoke of a girl he fancied. Never talked to her, more of a secret admirer than anything. But he'd talked to the girl's parents and they promised a meeting between the two when he returned from the war. He died in battle."

"Why are you telling me this?" The creeping suspicion of coincidence coiled around me.

"The girl's name was Mo."

I fell apart all over again. Because now I knew, that my parents gave up their lives knowing I'd never be able to bring them back and still wished me happiness. That's love.

There's a little less love in the world now that they aren't here but I'd never let myself forget them. I'd proclaim that love to the world if If I could've. And perhaps, now I could.

A/n: this chapter is just messy, but I suppose all heartbreaks are messy. Anyway, I know I don't make my time lapses certain and sometimes it feels like one day after the other (and that's sometimes the case) but yeah you'll figure it out. Umm, also, what are your thoughts on Philmo (ship name) coz, I really don't want to write a toxic relationship which I know is sorta trendy and all. I just want a romantic plot that isn't the main plot but have it be something my MC can fall on in times of trials and tribulations. I want to write a pair whose got each other's back, a pair whose willing to accept each other's flaws and care for one another in the good, the bad and the ugly.