64: Loving You Freely

Never had I drunk alcohol, but when I first did I drank so much that I couldn't walk straight, I talked about every possible thing and laughed at absolutely nothing. Where I usually spent eons contemplating conversing with a stranger I did so without a second thought.

I danced my every sorrow away till I was out of breath and sweaty. I stumbled away from the main hall in search of the cool night air. I wandered out to a balcony that overlooked the palace garden. Blending into the dark of night was a tall shadowy figure by the balcony's edge.

He turned to see who had intruded his solitaire. For a moment neither of us say a word nor move an inch. Then with a abrupt intake of air he pushed himself away from the rails and stepped past me.

"No," I said all too quickly, grabbing his hand. "I'll go."

Philip glanced at my hand on his then at me, a chaotic kind of blaze burning in his eyes. His huge hand pried mine away. "Don't make things difficult. I'll leave."

At that I stepped into his path. "Am I that difficult?"

He released a grunt. One minute I was standing defiant against him the next I was trapped between the balcony rails and him. His face mere inches from mine and remaining only at that distance.

"If I, " I murmured, "kiss you right now, would you kiss me back?"

His jaw locked and his eyes darkened. He moved to close the distance. But he missed. His cheek brushed past mine and he hung his head over my shoulder. His rough breaths filling my ear.

I only needed to turn my head for my nose to be in his hair. It would've been a waste if I hadn't. "You're so unfair." I whispered it into his ear like it was our dirty little secret. "You'd fight for everyone but not for us."

He pulled away. "Oh 'cause you're so fair!" He looked almost betrayed as he motioned at me. "Wearing that—looking like that—" he groaned.

His words came and went. I stepped closer. "Am I not a woman to you, is that it?"

He folded his arms over his chest and stood his ground. "You're drunk."

"You want to keep me safe, you're scared you might break me. What am I to you really?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes."

We met each other half way. He stared down at me, conflicted. "You're everything I'm not. You're kind and warm, you're full of light and hope. You're the only woman who truly completes me. And now that I have you I don't ever wanna let you go. But...but—"

I gripped his tie and tugged him close, smashing his lips onto mine. At first he doesn't return the kiss, he's surprised almost, but my sanity if I had still had it went down the drain, and so did his. After a moment he returns my fervor, coupled with the intensity of his own. It's a moment of indulgence after starvation.

We broke away, panting, only for a moment. And when we kissed again, our lips weren't the only things that touch. It's a blurr and a breeze, his hands ran down my hips, over my behind and gripped me by the thighs. He hefted me with ease and carried me away. Chest against chest, our hearts raced alongside one another.

But as the kisses deepened and less and less skin were left untouched the more I knew the longer we went on the closer we would get to a decision I'd regret. My hands slipped away and our bodies froze.

He was half way across the room in an instant, guilt etched into his features. Curses flew out his mouth as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Sorry." Voice hoarse and heavy with regret. He didn't look at me as he said it. "I shouldn't have touched you." Then his eyes met mine and every inch of my bare skin burned. I longed to simply disappear. I felt choked and ashamed. My hands flew to cover my scaly chest.

He hesitated but he moved my way, stripped his jacket and handed it to me. Shame weighed on my bones as I took the jacket from him. It wasn’t a shame of skin but of consequence.

A stray tear streaked past my cheek. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have started something I couldn't finish. It was selfish to want you. Because I'll always be afraid of that risk whenever I'm with you."

Standing at a distance, he hung his head as he listened.

"I'll stay away, " I went on. "I'll leave. So find someone who won't hesitate to please you better than I can."

Arms encircled me out of the blue. I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't want to want more, but when he pulled away I found a vulnerability in his eyes. A nakedness clothes couldn't hide.

He stepped back and took the jacket out of my hands to throw over my shoulders. As he did each button so slowly and meticulously he said, "if it's any woman, it'll always be you."

"Philip..."

He shook his head in dismissal. "All the woman I've been with never understood that risk. They could never understand the life of a vuruk to understand the children they could have brought into this world had they gone any further with me. I had long decided that that wasn't the life for me. I made myself believe that all I was good for was being the king's loyal soldier. But since I met you, I've gone back on my word, I've begun to believe, to hope, that maybe I can love a woman so much that I dream of spending the rest of my days by her side."

"You don't mean that." I didn't want to believe it.

"Loving you takes courage. That was why I pushed you away. I wanted to believe that I could still be loyal to the king and still have you at my side. If your family returns you would leave, and when you do you become the king's prey. If you stay, you become the spy that everyone will think you are and I can't be sure I'll be there to protect you. Either way you'll be on the sharp end of my sword. But I promised to protect you, and I'd much rather die trying than be the reason you die."

"What are you saying? You don't mean..." And then it clicked. "You want to rebel."

"I want to love you freely."

"Those aren't the same thing!" I chided. "You'd be a traitor, you'd be hung or beheaded, you'd be killed."

"But if I don't you'd die instead." If dread were a snake it had twisted itself tense around his throat.

"So be it, I knew the risks when I decided to play knight. Push me away again. Treat me like I'm nothing and when the time comes, if you must, kill me."

"I've tried. I'm trying." There's a hopelessness in his voice that slowly builds into hope. "But I can no longer hide what I so desperately want. And neither can you. I know you feel the same, or you wouldn't have kissed me."

"I shouldn't have."

"But you did."

"I love you Philip."

At that he bristled and hesitated. "I love you too. So trust me to protect you."

"You've protected me enough, now let me protect you."

I ran out into the cold night air, and leaped over the balcony. Air rushed past me and the earth reached for me, but just as suddenly as I fell I soared. The tears blurred my vision. I flew without a destination but with the goal to get far away, far enough that changing my mind would be useless.

When heavy beads of rain bombarded me from above I lost balance and descended. With not much to see on a dark stormy night I dropped into nothingness. And then into a forest. Branches caught me, snapped, poked me at odd angles, scraped me up and down, and then I landed.

Shame clouded my thoughts. Regret weighed heavy.

I knew my desires were futile. I knew loving someone had consequences. I knew the only purpose I would serve upon existence was to bow to the king's every word, should it concern whom I marry and the children I might bare. I knew I should have considered this when I fell for Philip. But one never survives the fall in love to know when it happened.

In the next moment a sword met me between the eyes. A hooded figure stood over me. Lightning streaked across the sky and illuminated the bright blue leaves that crowned my attacker.

I yanked the hair pin out of my hair. "It's me Mo!"

But if he'd heard me, he didn't care. Leofwin raised his sword and swung.

A/n: idk guys idk. Does it feel realistic enough?? I don't think so. I don't know how to feel about this. But anywhoooooo hehe.