Chapter Seven

While Copa and I were sitting in his old Toyota on our way back to the school dormitory, I had time to think. I decided to use that time reminiscing the not so good old times.

I promised you the story of Copa's name, so I might as well tell it now. I wasn't the one who gave it to him and neither were his parents. I don't even know who did, but I definitely know the reason for it.

Copa was a reason why our school had to invest a specific program against plagiarism. He didn't get caught copy-pasting just one but two essays for the same history course. So he had to retake the course twice. That's why he's called Copa as an abbreviation from copy and paste. Although I'm not sure why they didn't just call him an imbecile.

"What are you thinking about?" Copa brought me back to the present.

He had changed to much from what he used to be. Copa had the same ash blonde hair and it was just as curly and messy as it was back then. But these days he was usually wearing an ochre beanie, which covered most of it. His eyes were a mixture of blue and grey and he was wearing glasses.

The biggest change was his assertive and calm demeanor. I'm not sure where he got that from, but it definitely wasn't there back at comprehensive school.

"I'm thinking about you", I admitted.

"Oh, are you thinking about how unbelievably handsome I am?" Copa joked and glimpsed me.

"Sure thing", I drawled back with a smile.

We didn't talk much after that, which was fine by me. We had had a lazy Saturday evening and a slow Sunday morning, and even then I was shot. It wasn't all because of Kuisma's morning rituals, I realized, but also because of the adaptation to a new town, school and flat. Starting something new required a lot of work.

I dozed off at some point and I woke up when Copa was already parking the car. It felt strangely nostalgic to be back at the dormitory yard.

"Want to see the flat?" I asked after momentary indecision.

"I thought you'd never ask", Copa sneered benevolently. He mumbled something about getting a price after driving all the way in the middle of nowhere. So I led Copa through the yard to the dormitory and all the way up to my flat.

"Here we go", I whispered wondering why I felt like I needed to sneak around so I wouldn't disturb my roommate. It was my flat too.

"It's just as minimalistic as I thought", Copa answered after quick inspection.

Kuisma was laying on his bed, browsing his phone, but Copa didn't seem to care. I did though, and suddenly I felt awkward with the situation. How was I supposed to talk with Copa now that there was a pair of hostile ears listening?

"Yeah well, it's good enough for me."

I looked at Kuisma's back pondering whether or not I should try to introduce Copa to Kuisma, but I decided not to.

"Okay, so.." It seemed like Copa did mind about our company after all. "I think I better get going", he said and gestured at Kuisma almost like saying "good luck, I leave this to you".

"Here take this", Copa said and placed twenty euros on my palm. Before I could object, he added: "Just take it and buy yourself some proper food, okay?"

Then we hugged and Copa shut the door behind him. I dropped my bag on the bed and stowed the money in my wallet.

"I'd appreciate if you didn't bring all your flings here", Kuisma stated sharply.

"What did you just say?" I frowned.

"I said you don't have to bring all your flings here", Kuisma repeated and sat up on the edge of his bed. He looked impassive, yet belligerent.

"Seriously, what's wrong with you?" I could feel the anger boiling in my chest. "That's my best friend. And I can fuck whoever I want wherever I want."

"No need to steam, I was just saying", Kuisma sighed, seemingly annoyed.

"Yeah, but what were you saying exactly?" I accosted. "That I'm sleeping with everyone? Or that I shouldn't be sleeping with men?"

I had heard all the possible nicknames ever since I came out. I had gotten beaten up because of it and I had lost some good friends, so I had my reasons to feel defensive about the matter.

"Think whatever you want, I couldn't care less. I just don't want to see any of it", Kuisma snarled, staring at me with cold and intimidating eyes.

"Yeah, and I don't want to wake up in the small hours either, but we don't always get what we want."

So, it turned out reconciliation wasn't as simple as Copa had suggested. Instead we kept quarreling about every tiny detail and avoiding each other afterwards.

The list of things I got vexed about got lengthier day by day. Leaving dishes to soak in the sink for days, planting used boxers and t-shirts all around, never bothering to clear up,..

I was almost ascetically clean with my habitat, and I was ready to be flexible about cleanness when living with someone, but Kuisma was taking things to an entirely different level. He was so messy I had started to believe he was doing it only to bug me.

Most of the time I tried to ignore the mess and all the annoying habits Kuisma had, simply because I didn't want to fight all the time. Yet sometimes I was so annoyed by him I had to pour it out or I would end up smashing his head on a wall.

***

It was one of those evenings I had to get out of the flat for my and Kuisma's safety. It was funny in a way, since I rarely got angry at anyone and haven't got a violent bone in my body.

"Maybe you're actually falling in love with him?" Fareed wiggled his eyebrows, and all I could do was gape at him.

"What the fuck are you saying?" Joakim demanded before I could find the words.

I was sitting on the armchair in their flat. It was just the three of us and we had been there for a while. Some reality show was playing on the TV, but no one paid attention. I had spent halv an hour complaining about Kuisma.

"You know, there's this saying about falling in love with the one you hate the most", Fareed muttered.

"Yeah, well, you better not fall for that idiot", Joakim exclaimed and stretched his arm so he could place his hand on my upper arm. It was a small, but possessive gesture. Then he laughed softly and let his fingers brush my arm all the way down to my fingertips before letting go.

"Seriously though, I don't like that guy. He thinks he's so special just because he can dance", Joakim continued.

"He can dance?" I asked. I hadn't thought someone like Kuisma could be interested in dancing, but then again I barely knew him at all.

"He's actually a pretty good dancer", Fareed considered. After seeing Joakim's poisonous glare, he continued: "..or maybe not that good."

"I can't believe this show", Joakim huffed, now looking at the TV screen. It was some negligible reality show about supposedly famous fitness competitors.

"I mean, is that supposed to look attractive?" he continued when there was a closeup from one of the competitors' quadriceps.

I wasn't sure if he was truly interested about the show or just changing the subject, but I didn’t mind the distraction. I had thought about the Kuisma issue way too often lately. I had spent numerous evenings just like this at Joakim's flat. We mostly talked about idle things, like reality shows, when I wasn't complaining about Kuisma.

Other than talking, Joakim wanted to seize every opportunity to kiss or touch me, and I mean each and every opportunity. It was nice and I had started to wait our moments together.

One evening, about a week ago, we sat on the bonnet of his car in the middle of nowhere. It had been chilly, but Joakim's body pressed against my side had warmed just enough. He had smoked a joint, and every now and then we kissed.

"Tell me three things about you", I had demanded.

"Why?" Joakim had answered.

"Because I want to know."

Joakim had placed his palm on the back of my neck and pulled my head to rest on his shoulder. I had glanced Joakim to see his eyes fixed on sky.

"My favorite color is pastel pink, I have a big brother and sweet potato makes me want to puke", Joakim murmured eventually. "Happy now?"

I hadn't said anything, instead I gave him a prolonged kiss. The physical proximity alone was so intoxicating it made me feel like I was high too.

"I guess that's a yes?" Joakim had whispered slightly out of breath.

I had inavitably started to have feelings for him. It was a mixture of bliss and dread, but wasn't it always like that when you began to fall for someone? Feeling so hopeful, but also paralyzed by the thought: what if I actually fall in love and it's a terrible mistake? What if I give him my heart and he breaks it into pieces?

It was past 11 pm when I left Joakim's flat, with him as usual. He always wanted to see me to my door and he never let me go without a good-night kiss.

"Sleep well", Joakim murmured in my ear after another prolonged kiss.

"I never do these days, but thanks anyway." I embraced him and pressed a quick peck on his mouth before turning to open the door.

When I shut the door behind me, it was quiet. I thought Kuisma wasn't there, but then I heard an almost inaudible splash from the kitchen. Turned out he was washing dishes, which was a pleasant surprise. I could finally wash mine tomorrow, now that the sink wasn't full of his dishes.

I didn't greet him and just navigated to the bathroom, because I was tired and I didn't feel like fighting. So I just turned the shower on and let myself relax in the warm water. When I dried my hair afterwards, the bathroom was filled with steam. It seemed like I had needed a long shower in order to relax.

Then I made myself bowl of noodles and ate it in silence. I hadn't even noticed how exhausted I really was, but at that moment I could feel the weight of sleep debt and continuous fighting on me. I was ready for sleep right after I had finished my noodles. Or I would have been, if Kuisma had let me.

"You know Joakim's a fuck boy, right?" He said without his usual snarky tone.

"And what's that?" I asked in a calm manner, since I just wanted to sleep.

"It means thay he fucks everyone and doesn't want anything more serious", Kuisma explained, still sounding different than usually.

"Again with that.. How's is this any of your business?" I sighed.

"I'm not trying to pick a fight. I just wanted to let you know", he said, now slightly frustrated.

"Alright, whatever. Not that I'd care about your opinion", I retorted and was about to switch off the light, when Kuisma answered.

"Yeah, I don't care either. You can go cry to your mom when Joakim is no longer interested in you", Kuisma stated sharply.

"She's dead." I answered bluntly.

"Go cry to your dad then", Kuisma snapped.

"He's dead too", I said and switched the light off, simply fed up with the conversation. Kuisma was quiet so long I thought he was also done with it.

"Um — just don't cry to me", Kuisma prompted haltingly and after that silence filled the room.