Chapter Twenty-one

It's not Fareed or Copa you want to hear about, but the one with the golden eyes, right? Well, this chapter is all about Kuisma. Not a long ago I swore that I was just friends with Kuisma and that it would take at least five years before I would even think of dating again.

The problem was that my plan to not fall in love and stay away from dating was failing miserably.

When did I realize I have feelings for Kuisma? Actually the question should be: why did I realize I have feelings for him? I have not just one, but three whys and I should just get into those. No explaining or reasoning, just the plain truth.

The first why, which made doubt if Kuisma was really just a friend to me, was one night about a week ago. I knew I could get used to sleeping next to Kuisma if I kept doing that, and I honestly thought the first time was a one-off deal.

This time I didn't ask Kuisma to sleep with me. Instead I have a vague memory of him climbing in my bed and placing his arm protectively over my chest. It was a vague memory, because I was only half-awake. I had slept restlessly, and I found his touch comforting.

It was only in the morning when I truly realized Kuisma was sleeping in my bed. Not just that, his arms were around me and I was nestling against him, my head on his chest and arms around his body.

I could hear his heart beating steadily and feel his chest rising and falling when he breathed deeply in his sleep. I wanted to stay in his embrace and never get up. I wanted to be close to him like that every morning and...

I got up so abruptly it awoke Kuisma. My heart was throbbing and I stared at him with wide eyes. Not because he was there in my bed, but because I had let my thoughts wander too far. It wasn't something you thought about a friend, and I couldn't make myself believe otherwise.

"Why are you in my bed?" I asked him, not accusatorially just amazed. Kuisma sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Can't you remember anything from last night?" he mumbled drowsily and when I just stared at him, he continued: "You were wailing in your sleep so loudly I was afraid you'd wake the entire building, and the only thing I could come up with was hugging you."

I could feel heat rising on my cheeks and I slumped back on the bed. "Shit. Sorry", I muttered and looked away, feeling mortified. I thought I was done with the nightmares, but apparently I was wrong.

"It's okay", Kuisma said. "Actually I slept really well. Why is your bed comfier than mine?" He grinned and poked my shoulder playfully. Yet again all I could think about was how illicitly good he looked, and I cursed myself inwardly.

"Oh, shut up", I laughed.

That was only the first why, and I was already having hard time trying to convince myself I didn't actually like Kuisma. After that night my plan was to reset my feelings back to the friend setting at any cost. There was just one tiny issue: the more I tried not to think about him, the more I did. The more I tried not to look at him, the more I did.

Anyway, resetting my feelings went relatively well until the second why. I would definitely have succeeded with my plan, if I hadn't gone looking for him from the gymnasium. It had been only three days since the first why and apparently the second one was just around the corner.

I had finished my part of the decoration labour for the day, and I was sent to bring some of the props to a storeroom at the other side of the school building. It was already getting dark outside and I didn't see anyone on my way to there. Everyone was probably still in class.

I managed to take the props where they were supposed to be and I was on my way back to the dormitory, when I took a wrong turn and ended up walking past the gymnasium. For some reason I just had to peek in from the window.

Kuisma was wearing black joggers and a grey shirt. His eyes were closed and he had a focused expression on his face. Those were the two things I noticed before he turned the music on and started moving. I didn't know the song, but I liked the sound of it.

It wasn't the song that made me mesmerized though, it was the fact Kuisma was fucking great at dancing. It wasn't like he was trying to move to the rhythm, it was like the music was moving him. I don't know how to describe it, but it's the kind of feeling you get when you see a gifted dancer dancing.

When I looked at him, I forgot to breathe. My heart was aching for him, and at that moment I loved him with all my heart. I couldn't bring myself to look away. I knew I should go back to pretending as soon as the song was over, and I wanted to imprint every second of it in my mind.

Of course it wasn't just how good Kuisma was at dancing that drove me off the brigde, it was something so much more complex. Still, looking at him filled me with fondness and pride, like I wanted to go tell everyone: that's my boy.

Or that he's mine, whispered a voice from the back of my mind, and that was when I forced myself to turn away. There was no way I could fall in love with him, it was simply out of the question.

You might be thinking: why fight against it? Why not just give in?

Because I didn't want to risk losing one of my best friends. Because I was sure he wouldn't love me back. Because I wasn't ready to fall in love again, hell I wasn't even ready to have a crush.

So that afternoon I just walked away and sucked it up. Of course I already knew the plan was doomed, but I was going to sweep it under the rug and fake it till I made it. Did it work though? Yeah, no.

It nearly worked for two days and then came the third why, after which there was no way of hiding the truth from myself. I might be good at avoiding things, especially feelings, but once you cross a certain line there's no going back.

I had woken up early and had no school or work, so when Lina asked if I wanted to see her, I saw no reason not to. Actually I was quite excited, because I hadn't seen her after my birthday.

When Lina came I made us coffee and she babbled about some true true crime podcast she had listened to on her way. She showed me pictures about the case: a woman who had shot her children and tried to frame it on a third part. It took a while before we even asked how the other was doing, and after that we started talking about some other podcast.

Kuisma had been in a grocery store and walked straight into the kitchen to start cooking. You couldn't tell it just by looking at him, but I knew him well enough to tell he was feeling uneasy for having a guest.

"What are you making?" Lina asked as soon as she had finished her coffee.

"Lasagna." Kuisma flashed her a smile. Lina walked to the kitchen and rinsed her mug in the sink. After that she hovered at the kitchen doorway.

"Want to help?" Kuisma offered and just like that the two started cooking together. Cooking was Lina's thing. It wasn't mine though, so I just sat on my bed and surveyed them.

When I looked at them, I felt tightness in my chest and I didn't know what to think about it. And it wasn't because they decided to cook together. It was because of the look of wonder on Kuisma's face, like he had just realized Lina existed and that she was a beautiful sight to see. He had never looked at me like that, and that was what hit me like a punch in the gut.

They looked like a perfect couple: Lina with her dark brown eyes, long legs and thick black hair and Kuisma with his toned body and front page model face. Was it really any wonder which one he would choose from the two of us?

Still it took me a while to realize what it was I was feeling: jealousy. I have never understood why in so many series being nearly pathologically jealous is seen as cute or romantic. I didn't find it cute to not trust your partner. Of course there's a time and place for everything and it's normal to feel jealous every now and then. The thing is just that I'm not the jealous type. Except when it comes to certain scenarios — and certain people.

I told you this chapter was going to be all about Kuisma, but I need to give the spotlight to Lina for just a moment.

When we were young, my dad had really high expectations for me and for Lina nothing at all. I was a ''child prodigy'', so I had to succeed in everything (while nothing was ever good enough), whereas Lina got to hear over and over again that she shouldn't even try, because she wasn't going to make it. Which one was worse, I don't know, but let's just say neither of us was happy.

There was one thing I could never outdo Lina: she got all the attention from guys, because she was beautiful and more importantly a girl. It was fine for me, knowing how small chances I had as a gay guy to find anyone, until I met the one I fell deeply in love with.

I loved him for a year, in secret of course, and I followed him around wherever he went. I was certain he would fall for me too, if I just kept trying.

You can probably guess what happened next: he fell in love with Lina. It's just the typical sob story, loving someone forever and then losing him to your sister. There's more in the story though.

Two days before he started dating Lina, I told him I loved him. I didn't know what I was expecting to gain by my confession, but probably not quite what I got. He kissed me and it wasn't just a quck peck but the real deal. Then he told me he liked me too, and I was over the moon.

Until that day's evening, when he texted me he needed time to think about it. Just in two days he had made his decision. The next time I saw him he was together with Lina, and it was like nothing ever happened between us.

It broke me into pieces, but I never told about any of it to Lina. She didn't know, but every time I saw them together during the two years they dated, it ripped the wound open again. Later they broke up, and I wasn't sad, even though I probably should have been for Lina. I never had the same kind of love for anyone and if I did like someone I avoided introducing him to Lina.

The thing is that Lina didn't do anything wrong, she didn't even know how much I was hurting back then. I've always only wanted her to be happy and she means the world to me, but the wound has never really healed.

So, when I saw Kuisma looking at her like that, the only thing I could think of was: I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him, I just can't. That was the moment it hit me once and for all: I had fallen in love with him and there was absolutely no way I'd let Lina have him.

I got up from the bed and joined them, because that was the only logical act I could think of. Lina laughed heartily after saying something about the fact this was the first time she saw me actually participating in the kitchen. Kuisma gave me a warm smile and the tightness in my chest eased without delay.

These were the three whys that made me realize I was falling for him, but of course there had been a million little events leading to that. Maybe I had had feelings for Kuisma from the beginning or maybe they came later.

Either way I had kept them hidden deep inside, when I didn't know what to do with them. Not that I knew any better now, I just simply couldn't disguise them from myself anymore.

I was falling deeply, hopelessly in love with my best friend slash flatmate who would most likely never like me back.