Chapter Nineteen

"Have you been talking behind my back?" I accosted.

"It's not like that", Copa denied and tried to place his hand on my shoulder, but I cringed away from his reach.

"I was worried about you, so I've asked him a few times how you're doing", he continued and panic was creeping into his eyes. When I looked at him, I thought he deserved it.

"You didn't think about asking me first?" I demanded and crossed my on my chest to keep him away from me.

"I did, but you know it as well as I that you never tell me what's really going on." Copa threw his hands in the air. He really looked like he was on the verge of panicking and it occured to me that we never really argued. This was the first time I raised my voice to him, and thinking about that made me relent.

"You know what, forget it", I gave in and turned on my heels. I didn't want to fight, I didn't even want to think about any of that anymore. I just wanted to be alone. So I marched into Copa's room and shut the door behind me. I didn't even have time to sat on the bed before someone knocked on the door.

"Can I come in?" Kuisma didn't wait for an answer before barging in.

"I don't want to talk. I'm tired."

"You don't have to talk, just listen what I have to say." Kuisma insisted. "When I couldn't find you that day you left to the beach, Copa called your phone. I thought he could tell me where you are or that it was you calling from someone else's phone to tell me you forgot yours."

"I told him I couldn't find you and he gave me his number so I could text him when I found you", Kuisma continued quickly. "And then we've been texting a couple of times, but.. Please don't be angry."

"I'm not angry", I answered coolly.

"I think you are", Kuisma sighed and for the first time since he came to the room I looked at him.

"You know what, maybe I am. Maybe I just don't think I can trust you anymore", I stated. "He could have asked me and you could have told him to ask me and not conspire behind my back."

"I didn't conspire behind your back. I was just trying to help", Kuisma started to lose his temper. I just stared at him blankly, until I came to think about something.

"Wait, did you tell him everything? Does he know everything?" I demanded, suddenly alarmed and slumped to sit on the edge of Copa's bed.

"No, no! I haven't told him about that", Kuisma exclaimed and sat next to me on the bed. I just stared at him, my heart throbbing.

"I'm serious, I haven't." His golden eyes looked dark in the gloomy room.

"Okay", I whispered and added after a while: "You don't have to babysit me anymore. I'm getting better."

Kuisma stayed silent for some time, just staring into my eyes. "You're not as good at hiding your pain as you think you are", he said cautiously. "I want to help you, but I don't know how."

"You've already helped me more than anyone", I mumbled and lowered my eyes to look at my hands. The one that had been in the cast and the other Joakim had gripped that night. I didn't know how to tell Kuisma he had held me up, or how much that meant to me.

"You can always ask me if there's anything you need, if there's anything I can do to make you feel better", Kuisma promised quietly, and right at that moment I could think one thing.

"Sleep with me", I told him.

"What?" Kuisma looked abashed and even in the dark room I could see the redness of his cheeks.

"I mean, can you just sleep here with me? Or is that too weird?" I stammered and my cheeks were burning too. Maybe I wasn't as sober as I thought I was, since that was daring even from me.

"But there's just one bed?" Kuisma seemed self-conscious when his eyes wandered around the room.

"Okay, maybe that's too weird", I mumbled quickly.

"No, I don't mind — if that's what you want." Kuisma's words took me by surprise.

"Really?" I breathed and he nodded.

It was weird and awkward at first, but it was a double bed, so maybe it wasn't actually that anomalous. Since I was already being bold, I decided taking it a bit further wouldn't hurt.

"Could you hug me, just for a little while?" I whispered. Kuisma stiffened next to me and I was certain he was going to run out of the room and slam the door shut behind him.

He didn't, and after a while he spooned me, his muscles still tensed up. I couldn't blame him, since I was just some guy and he felt obliged to take care of me. He must have felt disgusted or at least extremely uncomfortable having to hold me like that.

"If you still feel like you can't trust me, I can give you leverage", Kuisma murmured. "I can tell you my darkest secret, so if I ever tell yours you can tell mine."

"You don't have to do that", I objected.

"I told someone to fuck off, because I was angry, and the next day I found out she had killed herself", Kuisma whispered, and I could hear talking about it was still painful to him.

"When was that?" I whispered back. It all made so much more sense now: why he had panicked so badly when I disappeared and why he had been so afraid to leave me alone.

"In junior high school."

"I'm sorry", I mumbled, because I didn't know what else I could say to that. "And.. you don't need to do all this just because you feel obliged to."

Truthfully I didn't want him to stop, because I really needed a friend like him. But if he only did that because he felt like he had to, or because he needed to make amends with what had happened years ago, I wanted him to know he didn't have to do so. He didn't need to retribute himself like that.

"Stupid", Kuisma muttered.

"Huh?" I asked him, having no idea why he would say something like that.

"You really think I do this because I feel obliged to do it? Gosh, you're so stupid", Kuisma sighed.

"What do you mean?" I tried to turn to look at him, but Kuisma hugged me tighter, so I couldn't.

"Nothing, just go to sleep", he whispered and sounded, if possible, amused.

"No, seriously, what does that mean?"

"Nothing. Just sleep you idiot", Kuisma whispered. I tried to ask him a few more times, but he didn't budge, so eventually I gave up.

I didn't think think I could fall asleep, but I closed my eyes and just lay there in Kuisma's embrace. It had been such a weird day and ending it like that didn't help at all. I scolded myself for asking something like that from Kuisma, because somewhere deep down I knew I could get used to the warmth of his body. If I kept doing things like that, I would start developing feelings for him.

***

When I woke up early in the morning, I didn't get up immediately. Instead I let my eyes study the person sleeping next to me. Hid brown hair looked so soft I was dying to brush my fingers through it and his eyelashes were dark against his fair skin. He had these faded freckles you couldn't really see if you didn't look point-blank. There was something captivating in the way he looked.

"You're staring at me", Kuisma mumbled without opening his eyes.

"Don't think too highly of yourself", I denied quickly and got up from the bed. I changed the hoodie to a black pullover and left Kuisma alone in the room.

"Hi", Copa greeted me cautiously when I walked into the kitchen. He looked tired, making me feel sorry for him.

"Is there coffee?" I asked and helped myself with a cup of the elixir of life. Then I sat at the table opposite to him.

"Look, about yesterday.. I know what I did was wrong, but I was so worried about you and I just needed to know how you are", Copa started, talking quietly so that he wouldn't wake up Ilari, who dozed on the couch.

"I know and I actually get it. I just wish you wouldn't go talking about me to others when you could just ask me. I don't like talking about my feelings or any of that stuff, but if you really wanted to know, I'd tell you", I lectured in a hushed tone and took a sip of my coffee.

"I promise I won't do that again — but you can't keep pushing me away. I can see you're not okay, no matter how much you try to hide it. So talk to me, tell me what's wrong", Copa pleaded with a sad look in his eyes.

Of course he knew, he was my best friend and best friends tend to know these things. They could tell if you weren't okay, even if you hid it with a smile. So I told him. At first the words came out haltingly, but after a while they just started flooding out of my mouth. I told him what happened that night and how I still couldn't let it go.

I felt ashamed, like I was somehow exaggerating the whole thing. I felt vulnerable, because even if Copa was my best friend and my family, I didn't talk about things like this to him. I was afraid of not knowing how he would react or if he would treat me differently after knowing the truth.

Even if I was scarred by what happened, I was still me. I couldn't control how my mind reacted to something, no matter how big or small that something seemed like. It simply was like it was, I simply felt like I felt and I, not so simply, needed to find a way to continue my life.

When I was done, Copa just stared at me, his mouth hanging open. I had said it and I couldn't take it back, so my cards were on the table and I had to wait for his next move. I felt strangely calm after I had gotten all that out of me.

"I.. What the fuck?" Copa was shaken — and furious. "Take me to that fuckface right now", he added quietly, but even as he was nearly whispering, those words were filled with anger. It was astounding to see him so angry, because he was always so laid-back, impossible to exasperate.

"That would only make things worse", I opposed. Copa opened his mouth and closed it, and I could see all the emotions teeming in his eyes.

"I thought you had some nasty fight, but he basically like, I don't know, raped you", he said eventually. I stared at him, out of words.

"Whatever it was, I just want to leave it in the past, okay?" I whispered when I found my voice again. It was true and at that moment it was all I wanted.

"But.." Copa began, but shut his mouth quickly when Ilari walked into the kitchen. I just looked at Copa, gesturing at him to let it go and act normal.

"Good morning, did you sleep well?" Copa asked Ilari and smiled so plausibly it could have fooled anyone. A little later Kuisma joined us as well and we had breakfast like one big family.

Copa whispered in my ear, while pouring coffee to me: "Well talk about this later." Then he poured coffee for Kuisma like nothing had happened.

We didn't continue the talk that day, but rather chatted about casual things and laughed a lot. It was nice to see how well Kuisma and Copa got along. I also really liked Ilari, so I hoped he and Copa would end up together. Judging by the looks they were giving each other, that was probably going to happen soon.