Chapter Twelve

"Hi", I mumbled drowsily, not bothering to check who was calling.

"Did I wake you?" A familiar voice asked and suddenly I was perfectly awake.

"No, I mean, yes, but it's okay." I was about to say how sorry I was, how I didn't mean any of it, how we needed to talk, but Joakim beat me to it.

"Want to come to a friend's party tonight?" He asked.

"What?" I breathed, not even realizing I had been holding my breath.

"Come to my friend's party tonight. There won't be that many people and Fareed and Viljo are coming too", Joakim continued.

"You're not angry at me?"

"I'm not, it's not that big of a deal. So are you coming or not?" Joakim asked, his voice almost nonchalant.

"Yeah, okay, whatever."

"Great! I'll come pick you up at eight", Joakim got excited. "Oh and hey, it's a theme party, but don't worry, I'll take care of your costume."

I was going to a theme party I knew nothing about. I was going there with Joakim and the others. Joakim wasn't angry at me anymore, and I didn't know what to think about it.

After a moment of processing I started feeling more and more relieved. He wasn't angry at me anymore. I'm sure I had a silly grin on my lips, but I just couldn't stop smiling. He wasn't angry at me anymore.

It was an easygoing morning: coffee, breakfast and reading. I had borrowed some books from the library and I had just started Stephen King's It, so I got absorbed in it.

Then I took a shower, which was another operation because of the cast, dressed up in a navy blue jersey and black jeans, had some noodles and continued reading. I didn't stop until I heard a knock from the door. Joakim looked handsome as always in his green pullover and trousers.

"Peter Pan?" I asked, starting to put the pieces together. They had talked about a Neverland themed party where Viljo was going. Apparently we were invited too.

"Just wait until you see what we have for you", Joakim smirked and looked at me so intensively my heart started pounding like crazy. I felt like his eyes could see everything, every hidden part of my body and every secret I had ever had. The only thing I could do was to stare back.

"Fuck, I missed you so much" Joakim exclaimed and pulled me into a kiss.

"Missed you too", I whispered after the kiss, when we were embracing each other tightly. I was still really, really confused, though.

"Let's go see your costume", he said and guided me to their flat holding my hand. After closing the door, Joakim seemed to notice something and he frowned. "What happened to your hand?"

"Exactly, what happened?" Fareed popped up from the kitchen. Viljo followed right after.

"Um, I broke my middle finger", I mumbled, sheepishly. To my surprise, or actually not that much of a surprise, Fareed bursted out laughing.

"How? Were you flicking off too aggressively?" Fareed guffawed. Joakim gave him a hard glance and he immediately quit laughing.

"No, I dropped a book on it", I sighed.

"You did what? How's that even possible?" Joakim asked. He looked concerned and amused at the same time.

"Well, it was a heavy book." For some reason everyone thought I was joking and started laughing. Oh well, maybe it was good to see the humorous side of the accident. When the laughter finally died down, Joakim went to get my costume.

"Close your eyes", he whispered, hiding his hands behind his back. I did what he asked and felt Joakim tucking some sort of a beanie on my head.

"Congrats, you're one of the Lost boys now", he said and I opened my eyes so I could see my reflection from the mirror they had in their hall. The beanie was brown and fluffy and it had ears.

"How can someone look smoking hot even dressed as a bear?" Joakim murmured and we looked at each other through the mirror. I didn't quite see how he could think I was ''smoking hot", because compared to him I looked short and scrawny.

The navy blue jersey did highlight my blue eye, which was nice, but my other eye looked almost black. I guess my eyes were the reason some people found me good-looking and exotic, but otherwise there just wasn't anything that spectacular about my looks.

Whereas Joakim was tall, he had broad shoulders and narrow hips, a perfect jawline and those pale blue eyes. Even the bruises on his face looked good on him, or at least they didn't make him look any less handsome. That made me question, again, what someone like him saw in me.

"Jeez, get a room!" Fareed exclaimed.

"Believe me, I would drag him to my room right now, if we weren't going to that lame party", Joakim grinned.

Viljo was wearing black jeans, shirt and shoes (claiming to be Peter Pan's shadow) and Fareed looked comical wearing colorful fairy wings and a tulle skirt on top of his clothes. Joakim was wearing a green hat as well and I had to admit he really looked like Peter Pan.

***

An expensive looking black car waited us at the parking lot. We hopped in, Joakim took the shotgun and the rest of us squashed on the back seat.

"This is Aki, my brother", Joakim said and the driver, a guy with light brown hair tied in a bun, turned to look at us. Aki looked a lot like his brother, apart from the darker and longer hair and glasses.

"There's Daniel and those two idiots you already know", Joakim continued.

Then Fareed opened a bottle of cheap sparkling wine and made Viljo, me and Joakim take a gulp. It tasted bitter, but not as terrible as I had thought. The ride lasted less than half an hour that felt less than ten minutes. We were to listening music, laughing and drinking. Although the others did most of the drinking, but hopefully you get the point.

"This is your idea of a small party?" I gaped at Joakim. The yard was lit with countless Led lights and there alone was at least a dozen of people smoking and lounging on the garden chairs. Inside the house we found thrice as many guests.

"I admit I might have bent the truth a little, but I really wanted you here." Joakim gave me an innocent smile.

The kitchen basked in blue light and there were so many plants it looked like a jungle. On the table was a huge bowl of bight green punch, colourful candy, chips and Neverland themed bakings.

"I'll get us something to drink", Joakim announced and left before I could refuse. I felt out of place, and I didn't really want to drink anything.

Still and all, I found myself thinking one drink wouldn't hurt, when Joakim came back with a plastic cup full of that suspicious looking green punch.

We found ourselves vacant seats from the living room, and soon after that Viljo went to look for his friend. The music was so loud Joakim had to lean closer when he wanted to say something. Fareed on the other hand had no problem with shouting.

The others were talking about school, work and how they were doing, but my mind was elsewhere. Like on things such as how sweet and strong the punch was.

"What are you thinking about?" Joakim whispered, or rather yelled, in my ear.

"Nothing much", I smiled at him.

Then he asked whether I was having fun or not, which was nice. I felt cared for. Before I knew, I had already drunk the punch. The surroundings looked brighter and I had this sudden urge to talk with the others. And dance.

"Want another?" Joakim asked.

"I don't think so", I refused.

"Come on, just one more won't do you any harm." He wouldn't take no for an answer, but instead took my cup. And so I thought that maybe one more drink wouldn't be such a horrible idea.

"Who is your favorite character?" Aki asked me.

"I've never actually watched the movie, just like a few minutes from the beginning", I answered. I did know something about the real story of Peter Pan, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Are you for real? Everyone has seen it", Fareed exclaimed and the others nodded in approval.

"I wasn't allowed to watch movies as a kid. I did have a Grimm's story book." That was one of my dad's ways to make sure I didn't waste time with things that weren't educational, but the Grimm's stories did gave me a nightmare or two when I was a child.

For some reason the others seemed chocked about the lack of TV when I was growing up, but I had never really thought that was such a big thing. I listened to the conversation for a while before I decided to go look for a bathroom.

It ended up being more difficult than I had thought, but eventually I found it. I stared at my reflection from the mirror and noticed how huge my pupils were.

How was I already this drunk after just two cups of punch? Maybe it had something to do with the fact I didn't normally drink. I promised myself I wouldn't drink anymore, no matter how much Joakim tried to make me.

"Where are the others?" I asked as soon as I sat down. When I came back from the bathroom, Aki was the only one left at our table.

"They went for a smoke", he explained. Then there was a long pause, during which neither of us said anything.

"So, are you dating my brother?" Aki's head-on approach surprised me.

"No, I don't think so." I knitted my eyebrows and shook my head slightly.

"At least you're the first one he's introduced to me, so I guess that's a good sign", Aki smiled at me in a way that made me even more baffled.

It wasn't like I had been in a serious relationship and it wasn't like I had introduced any of my previous flings to my family either, so that didn't necessarily mean anything. The way he said it was what was making me uncertain.

"I'm the first one?" I asked bluntly. Aki nodded, and then someone came to say hello to him. I didn't pay attention to them, because an oppressive feeling of insecurity was building up in my chest. I tried my best to push it away.

Soon Joakim, Fareed and Viljo joined us again, bringing the smell of cigarettes with them. They were laughing and Joakim wrapped his arm around my shoulders when he sat back to his seat. I smiled at him and we started talking about what I had missed when I didn't go to school the day before.

"The teacher said you shouldn't miss all the classes and that you need to do some extra homework, but I don't know if that's possible with the cast", Joakim pondered.

"There's like five things I can do with my hand like this, and painting isn't one of those", I complained.

"I'm sure you can work something out", Joakim reassured me and gave me a peck on my forehead.

"Can we talk?" I gulped, trying to gather up some courage.

"Aren't we already talking?" He laughed, but it sounded forced.

"Somewhere private?" I asked and Joakim looked at me solemnly.

We found a vacant room upstairs and I sat on a bed next to Joakim. I felt nervous, dreading to start another fight.

"Your brother said something and I don't know what to think about it", I started cautiously.

"What did he say?" Joakim demanded.

"He said I'm the first one you've ever introduced to him and that it's a good sign", I continued. Joakim grew quiet and for a long while he just sat there pursing his lips together.

"It's true, I haven't introduced anyone to him before, but I don't get how's that a bad thing?" he asked defensively.

"It's not", I assured and took his hands in mine. "I just want to know what he meant by that. Why am I the first one?"

Joakim relaxed. "I just haven't met anyone I'd want to bring to my family before", he smiled. I smiled back at him, deciding to believe he was telling the truth. After all I didn't see a reason why he wouldn't be.

"Don't trouble yourself with that anymore. Let's go get us something to drink", Joakim grinned and got up from the bed, still holding my hand in his.

"I really don't want to drink anymore."

He didn't listen to my objection and dragged me to the kitchen. He handed me a can of beer and took another for himself. There was something weird in the way he looked at me, but I couldn't tell what it was.

"I'm not going to drink this", I insisted, but of course I ended up doing what Joakim wanted.

The rest of the evening or night or whatsoever, we danced, laughed and acted like fools. I had a feeling Joakim was constantly giving me something to drink and imperceptibly I got wasted. Like really wasted, but I was having fun and I wasn't the only one drinking, so it didn't matter.

The bouncing music, the colourful and bright lights, Joakim arguing with Aki, Joakim's lips on mine,.. and that's about all I remember from the rest of the party.

Then we were already stuffing our shoes on and staggering to Aki's car. I was resting my head on Joakim's shoulder and he was huddled against me on the back seat. Fareed had taken the shotgun, and I didn't mind having more reasons to be close to Joakim.

"Wake up", Joakim whispered and I opened my eyes tardily.

"Can't I just sleep here?" I mumbled, but got up anyway.

Joakim supported me as we got back to the dormitory. I had great difficulties getting the door open. Joakim followed me inside and closed the door behind.

"Are we alone?" He whispered and I nodded. The lights were off and Kuisma wasn't sleeping in his bed.

"Good." Joakim pulled me closer.

I snickered and kissed his lips softly. Joakim deepened the kiss and his hands slipped under my shirt. He pulled the shirt off and then took his off too. I was really drunk. Joakim pushed me on my bed and soon he was on top of me, his lips on mine. Then he kissed my neck and chest and.. I was way too drunk.

[CW: Sexual Assault]

"No", I breathed and Joakim withdrew further from me. He didn't say anything for a while, like he was pondering entreatingly what he should do next.

"Shut up, you want this too", he decided and pressed his hand against my chest, so thightly it was hard to breathe. Even if I was drunk, I was starting to realize the danger of the situation.

Then he just stared at me for a moment, and started kissing my neck again, forcefully. His hand groped my crotch over my jeans, like it was all his to take.

"No, seriously, stop it", I insisted, but Joakim didn't stop.

I tried to push him away, but he grabbed my wrist and pressed it against the bed. I was starting to panic. I tried to use my left hand, but that caused throbbing pain in my fingers and there was no strength in my hand with the cast.

I couldn't struggle free, no matter how much I tried. My heart started throbbing inside my chest and my breathing turned shallow. The grip Joakim had on my wrist was starting to hurt.

"Stop it. I said no. Please don't", I begged, barely recognizing the timid voice as mine. His kisses on my body didn't feel enjoyable anymore and his body against mine didn't give me comfort. I was afraid and the force he used caused only pain.

Joakim's hand started to tear the zipper of my jeans open and I struggled even more, to no vail. Maybe I could have had a chance against him, if I hadn't injured my hand, or if I weren't so drunk.

I tried to pull my wrist free, in panic like an animal caught in a trap, I tried to kick him and tried everything, but soon I realized.. If there was nothing I could do, if there was no hope left, why keep fighting?

I let my body languish and shut my eyes firmly. Joakim was still operating on my jeans, getting them down my knees and then his hand found my boxers, starting to tear them off too.

I was holding my breath and fighting against tears, accepting hopelessly what was going to happen next — but Joakim halted there.

"You ruined everything", Joakim barked and let go of my hand.

He was still sitting on top of me, so I shoved him off the bed. I quickly got myself in sitting position and hugged my knees in. My heart throbbed so violently it hurt and my body was shaking. I stared at him with frantic eyes.

"I've been waiting over a month! Do you think you're that special? You've got nothing but a pretty face", Joakim cursed. His look in his eyes was so cold and cruel I couldn't believe I had ever thought he was a good person.

"So this was just about sex to you?" My voice sounded despondent, defeated. "And this is how you wanted to have it?"

"You wanted it too, you're just being so fucking difficult", Joakim snapped.

"Just go", I emphasized the words and mustered all the anger in me to that last look at him. Only when he was gone, I let myself fall apart.