Chapter Eleven

I was back to the square one. Actually I wasn't even there anymore, because in the beginning Joakim had still liked me. Right now I was pretty sure everyone hated me. Unfortunately, my boss didn't care about the heartbreak or the drama I was sucked into.

Thursday evenings were often quiet in the library and so were Fridays. When there were barely any customers, my job was mainly to arrange the returned books back to the bookshelves.

I was deep in my thoughts when I took another heavy pile of books from the storage room. I had already sorted the books, so the pile I was carrying was all to the romance category. I set down the books and picked up two of them.

I had no idea how I was supposed to face Joakim at school the next morning or Kuisma at the flat after my shift ended. I kept thinking about the conversation with Kuisma and I still didn't understand why he was so mad at me.

The first book went into the lower shelf and for the second I had to crane for. It was a monumental tome and I was having difficulties to get it between the other books on the top shelf.

The book slipped from my hand and I reflexively popped my left hand below it to capture it. Only to realize it was indeed a heavy book. The book slammed against my index and middle fingers. I watched how the book thudded to the floor. For a moment I didn't feel any pain, but when it came, it hurt like hell. I cried out and fell on my knees.

"What happened?" An older woman, Kirsti, who was working with me today, hurried to me. Probably after hearing my shriek. I only raised my hand for her to see, because I seemed to have lost my ability to talk.

Then we both stared my hand for a moment or two. It didn't look good: there was already minor swelling on my knuckles, but that wasn't the worst of it. Whereas my index finger looked somewhat normal, the middle finger was in a peculiar angle.

"I think I broke my finger", I pointed out casually and bursted out laughing. The pain was nearly unbearable, but looking at my broken finger made me crack up even more.

"I'll take you to the emergency room. Just wait here for a second and I go tell Mikko we're leaving", Kirsti said firmly and squeezed my shoulder.

"So, what happened?" Kirsti took me to her car, which was old, rusty and red, and I sat on the passenger seat.

"That was the third time I got whacked by love drama today" I mumbled. "Love sucks. I freaking hate love."

"So you dropped a book on your hand?" Kirsti reckoned.

"Yup", I muttered through gritted teeth, not because I was angry, but because the pain in my hand was getting worse.

When we got to the emergency room, I stopped wondering where all the customers from the library were, because apparently everyone was at the emergency.

I had to wait an hour before I got to see even the first employee behind the desk where they decide where you should go next. She slapped together some sort of backing to keep the fingers in right position while I'd wait for the doctor.

I was guided to the next waiting room and there I had to wait for the doctor to ask me in. I had to wait nearly one and a half hour. Kirsti had had to go back to work, so I was alone.

I couldn't really browse my phone, or well I could, but it didn't feel worth the effort, and I couldn't listen music, because I had to hear when they'd call my name. So I just watched some weird British serie, which someone else had put on. It was on such quiet volume I could hardly hear a thing.

It was past 10 pm when the doctor finally called me in. He was a middle-aged man, whose brown hair had started balding and who seemed stressed but competent.

"Sorry you had to wait, it's really populous today", he apologized after guiding me to sit on a hospital bed. Then he started examining my hand.

"It seems like the index finger is strained and the middle finger is likely fractured, so I'll order you an X-ray", the doctor decided. "I'm giving you something for the pain and then you'll need to wait again."

I went back to the waiting room and waited some more, but fortunately the painkiller was starting to kick in. The drug also made my head feel lighter and I started getting drowsy. Eventually I got the results from the X-ray and they cast the fingers.

Then I was free to leave. It was already dark outside and I had to hurry to catch the last bus, but I was feeling unconcerned thanks to the buzzing effect of the painkiller. On the bus it occured me that even though the evening had been an utter disaster, it had gotten my mind off from Joakim and Kuisma.

When I came back to the flat, I was too worn out to stay awake worrying about them. In fact, I was so tired I fell asleep as soon as I slumped to my bed. I didn't bother to wash my teeth or even look if Kuisma was there, I just shut my eyes and fell asleep.

***

On Friday morning a throbbing pain in my hand woke me up. The blinds were open, but I couldn't remember if they had been when I went to sleep. The room was basking in sushine.

I didn't need to check the time from my phone to know I was late from class, and I wasn't planning to go there later either. After all I didn't have a hand to paint or carve with, and more than that I wasn't ready to face the anger or avoidance I'd probably get from Joakim.

I just took a painkiller and tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't now that I had started thinking about Joakim again. So, I was laying in my bed, waiting for the painkiller to kick in and trying to figure out how I could clear things out between Joakim and I.

I had no intention to talk to Kuisma. If he wanted to talk things through, he would be the one coming to me. He was the one who had, allegedly, said some pretty awful things about Joakim and I. I wasn't sure why Kuisma was angry at me, but least I knew how I had messed up with Joakim. I just needed to find a way to fix things with him.

Sometimes I felt like the dumbest person in the room. What good it was to remember everything you read if you couldn't handle even the basic human interaction? Fortunately I knew someone who could.

"Where are you? I need your help", I began without introduction.

"I don't have to go to work for another five hours, so go ahead", Copa promised.

I told him about my fight with Joakim and Kuisma, how they had had a fistfight and lastly about my little accident at the library. Copa was quiet for some time, trying to process what I had just said.

"You broke your middle finger?" Was the first thing he said, and I could hear he found that a little too amusing.

"Oh, shut up, it hurt like hell."

"With a book?" Copa laughed, but added in a more serious tone: "So tell me again, why is Joakim angry at you?"

"He wanted to make out and I refused, because I couldn't stop thinking about Kuisma", I sighed.

"Okay, that does sound bad.. but wasn't it because he had just told you those things about him?" Copa reasoned.

I mumbled something affirmative and Copa continued: "And why is Kuisma angry at you?"

"I think he got angry when I told him what's between me and Joakim is none of his business. I should be the one who's angry — and I am, but I'm also confused. I don't know what to think or feel about any of it", I explained.

"And Joakim said it was because Kuisma is homophobic? Because I don't think it's really just that or at least there's something sketchy about it", Copa continued.

That was something I found sketchy too, but I couldn't really tell why. Maybe it was because I didn't feel like Kuisma hated or warded me off the times when we were together. Of course as soon as I brought a guy in the flat, it was a problem to him.. So maybe he just didn't want to witness my gayness? I tried to explain this to Copa as well as I could.

"I think one of them is lying. I don't know about what, but definitely about something", he pointed out.

"Well that's very helpful, I still don't know which one it is and about what.."

We made different scenarios from waiting till Monday to see Joakim at class to calling him tonight. I still wasn't sure what I was going to do, but at least I had some ideas to begin with.

"I'm starting to think I should come and get you out of there. It's only been a month and look what mess you have already made", Copa preached at the end of our call.

"Come on, you know I'm a walking disaster wherever I go", I sneered.

Nothing special happened during the day. I was trying to finish some school work, only to realize I couldn't paint or write with my right hand, so eventually I just gave up. It was inconvenient since I was already behind everyone and it would take some time to get my hand healed well enough to paint.

Kuisma came to the flat in the evening and ignored me altogether, making me feel like I didn't even exist to him anymore. Not that I would have wanted to talk with him. I was still offended by his words and his current behavior surely didn't help.

Still, it was getting troublesome to be in the flat. Maybe Kuisma could act like I didn't exist, but I kept feeling the growing tension between us. I would have needed his help, because I could barely get anything done with my right hand, but hell wouldn't freeze before I'd ask him. I wasn't helpless and I didn't want to seem like I was.

Kuisma made coffee for himself and once he was done he left the mug on the counter. He went to the shower and left his clothes laying around the bathroom floor and blasted music so loudly my ears were ringing. All those small things, blatantly just to make me angry.

He definitely succeeded, but I kept my mouth shut and left everything be as it was. I was boiling inside, but I wasn't going to be the one who talked first. Instead I decided to ignore it all and spent most of the time in bed reading and listening music from my ear buds.

I stayed up almost all night, not because I didn't want to sleep, but because my mind wouldn't stop racing and because of the dull pain in my fingers.

I really missed Joakim and I just wished I could snuggle with him, to fall asleep in his embrace. I even missed the others: Fareed who never stopped talking and Viljo who had his weird fixation of serial killers. I would have given anything to get things back the way they were.

At some point I started thinking about my family. How my mum had looked so beautiful even after she lost all her hair. How my sister refused to eat and almost faded away, and how she had fought her way back to the living.

How I had seen dad crying for the first time at mom's funeral and how he never really seemed to care about me or Lina. How he didn't have to raise his voice to sound threatening. How he never was good to me, but also those rare moments when he was almost like a loving father.

Eventually I must have gotten too tired to keep ruminating, because when I opened my eyes, it was already morning. And my phone was ringing.