Chapter Ten

In the morning I had to fight against the urge to stay in bed, but eventually I forced myself to get up. The flat was empty and even if I didn't completely dislike Kuisma anymore, I did cherish those rare moments of solitude. I got dressed, made myself a big cup of coffee and a bowl of cereals. I ate, still so tired it was mostly automatic.

By the time I was done it was clear I wouldn't make it on time for the class. I left the flat in a hurry and almost forgot my bag and keys. Despite all my effort, I still didn't make it on time. Luckily the teacher didn't mind, so I just apologized and sneaked to the back row where Joakim and the others were.

I didn't pay attention to them at first, and I tried my best to catch what I had missed from the lecture. When I glimpsed at Joakim, I felt like my heart sank to my stomach. He probably noticed the shock in my eyes, because before I got to say anything out loud, he placed his palm over my mouth and hushed.

"Not now. I'll explain later, I promise", Joakim whispered and let his hand drop from my mouth to his lap. So I said nothing, but you didn't have to be a genius to put the pieces together. Yesterday I had treated Kuisma's bruises and today Joakim looked like someone had smacked his face into a brick wall.

I didn't know what to think. Should I be angry? And if I were, to whom? I wanted to grab Joakim by his shoulders and shake him. I wanted to know what the fuck was going on. I was too shaken to think clearly, so instead I only stared in front of me without seeing anything and pressed my lips into a firm line.

After what felt like an eternity the morning class was over and it was lunch time. I had no idea what the teacher had said and I definitely wasn't hungry. I tucked my pen and notebook into my bag and after that I got up. I didn't say anything to Joakim, because I had no idea what would come out if I did.

"Wait! Let's go somewhere quiet", Joakim insisted and grabbed my wrist. Then he dragged me to the dormitory and straight into his flat. Joakim leaned against the door so I couldn't leave.

"Promise me you won't leave as soon as I move from this door", Joakim pleaded. I stared into his pale blue eyes and nodded slowly. He then gently pushed me into his room and I sat on his bed. Joakim shut the door behind him and sat next to me.

"This looks bad, but.." His voice trailed off, like he didn't actually know how to explain it.

"I thought you barely know Kuisma, so why on Earth were you fighting?" I demanded when it seemed like Joakim wasn't going to continue.

"I know he's you roommate and that you have to live with him, so I didn't want you to know about this.. but I think he has a problem with you and me", Joakim started and paused for a moment. "Actually he has a problem with all the gay people. I didn't want to fight with him, but I had to defend myself. He came to me like a rabid dog and I did nothing to provoke him. I swear."

"Are you sure he hates people like us?" I asked and a part of me wanted to add: because I don't think does. I wasn't sure why I felt that way, because Kuisma had given me plenty of reasons to think he did. Something about all this just didn't feel right.

"I'm sorry, but I really don't think he's a good guy", Joakim sighed. His eyes were fixed on mine, and I wasn't sure what he would find there. Sadness? Disappointment? Anger? Or disbelief?

"This won't happen again", Joakim was almost pleading.

"Okay", I said quietly and lowered my gaze. I wanted to believe him, because I cared about him and I didn't see any reason why he would lie about something like that. Joakim placed his hands on my cheeks and lifted my chin so he could look at me in the eyes.

"Okay", he said and pulled me closer. Then I felt his lips on mine.

We didn't go back to the classes, instead we lied on Joakim's bed, kissing and cuddling. I felt warm and secure in his arms. His scent, a mixture of lemon soap and deodorant, was already so familiar to me that it alone was enough to calm my racing mind.

"What exactly did he do and say?" I asked at some point. When Joakim didn't say anything for a while, I turned my head so I could look at him. Joakim was staring at the ceiling and it seemed like he was somewhere far away.

"He just said he was disgusted with seeing us together. I told him it was none of his business and then he attacked me."

That did sound like Kuisma. Or at least like the Kuisma I had known at first. I wasn't sure if that was the real one though. Either way I was hurt. We had gotten to know each other and I had thought that we were getting closer. I had even taken care of his bruises, and it made me feel dumb as hell.

"Don't think about it too much", Joakim insisted and kissed me again. He rolled over and ascended on top of me. Joakim was leaning on his hands and knees so his body barely touched mine.

At first he kissed my lips softly, then so fervently all my thoughts fell into oblivion. It was just Joakim's body close to mine, his scent and the way his kiss made me feel immanent. Then Joakim planted kisses on my chin, neck and collarbones. My breathing was getting deeper and my hands found Joakim's neck pulling him even closer.

I could feel how eagerly my body responded to his touches and how I was desperately clinging on the momentary oblivion from every worry I was already too exhausted to think about. I let Joakim's hands wander on my body and under the hem of my shirt.

There was no time, nothing else but the burning desire to touch and get touched by the guy I had already fallen deeply for. Then I felt Joakim's hand on my crotch. I froze, not because I didn't want him, because, oh, I did, but because it made me awoke from the trance I was in.

I wasn't doing it for Joakim, I was doing it to escape. I wasn't even thinking about him or what we were doing, and that wasn't fair for Joakim. So I sat up abruptly and pushed him away.

"What the fuck?" Joakim flared and that was definitely not what I was expecting. He had never raised his voice to me before, so I visibly flinched. Joakim's facial expression softened a bit when he saw that.

"I just wanted to help you relax", he explained both apologetically and offended.

"I know, I'm sorry, I just don't think it's the right time", I pleaded and placed my hands on top of his.

"Is it ever?" Joakim muttered. He wasn't looking at me, but at our joined hands, and I would have given anything to see what kind of emotions hid in his eyes.

"I just can't stop thinking about him", I sighed and knew it was a mistake as soon as the words escaped from my mouth.

Joakim raised his eyes to look at mine. He didn't look angry or hurt, not even disappointed. The look in his eyes was cold and rejecting. Joakim pulled his hands away from mine.

"I think it's best that you leave."

"I.." I began to say, but I knew there was nothing I could do or say that would make a difference. The look in Joakim's eyes and the tone of his voice kept me from continuing. I wanted to explain and to apologize and I certainly didn't want to leave, but I knew I needed to go.

I took my bag and shoes and walked out of their flat. I was gasping for air and my hands were shaking so bad it took me ages to get my flat's door open. But then I was in and I shut the door behind me. I dropped my shoes and bag to the floor.

All I could think about was: I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. And the thought kept replaying in my mind over and over again.

"What's wrong?" Kuisma appeared from the bedroom. I was still standing in the hallway, desperately gasping for air.

His hair was damp, like he had just gotten out of shower. I didn't pay attention to his expression or the tone of his voice, I just noticed his hair was damp. Isn't it funny how our minds work when we're in panic?

Remember when I told you I didn't cry when my dad died? Well, he didn't give me tears, but I got panic attacks as a consolation prize. I hadn't had one in a while, though, and I had thought they were gone for good.

"Go away", I hissed in the middle of my ragged breaths. I staggered past him and slumped on the side of my bed. I crouched my back so I could rest my head against my hands that were on my lap. It wasn't a comfortable posture.

"No, seriously, what's going on?" Kuisma sounded shaken. Gradually I got the breathing become even, and although I couldn't really feel my hands or legs, I started to feel better.

"I thought you and I were getting along. I even thought we could be friends", the words sounded muffled in my ears. "Do you really hate me that much?"

Kuisma didn't say anything for a while, until he noted almost as quietly: "You talked with Joakim. I don't know what he said to you, but.."

Now that the panic was gone I felt irritated and offended by the things Kuisma had said. "But what? I want to hear your version of what happened."

"Like you would believe anything I say", Kuisma sighed. "I don't hate you and I never have, but if you're blindly going to believe what he said, then there's no point to talk about this anymore." He turned his back to me and walked to his side of the room.

"It's hard to believe you instead, if you don't even try to explain", I announced desperately. I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to point fingers, I just needed to know. I needed to know so bad.

"Joakim's not a good guy, that's why I fought with him. He's a fucking liar", Kuisma raised his voice. I could see he was getting agitated as well.

"Don't call him that. What's between me and him have nothing to do with you, so I don't understand why you're picking a fight with him", I was getting defensive. I felt a bang of guilt when I remembered how I had offended Joakim earlier.

"Fine, I won't get involved again. Just remember not to come cry to me when he breaks your heart", Kuisma snapped and started packing his backpack.

"Fine, great! He's not going to do that, and even if he did, you'd be the last person I'd go to."

"Whatever. Maybe you're perfect for each other after all", Kuisma sneered and gave me a poisonous glare before leaving me sitting alone in the flat.