March 26th 2016

"Do you know what I just realised?"

"The earth is round?"

"Apart from that."

"What?"

"You're leaving in less than a week."

"Yep."

"I just... it's gone quick, that's all. You're leaving on April 1st and time has just flown. I mean, four months ago, I didn't know you, now look at us."

"Time flies when you're having fun."

"Fun?"

"Yeah. Talking to you is fun."

"I needed an ego boost today, so thanks."

"You're welcome. What's got you down that you needed a boost anyhow?"

"My brother."

"Ah, the lovely Samuel. How is he?"

"Still the same prick he was before. Thanks for asking."

"Seriously, what's he done to upset you so?"

"Oh, you know."

"Right, because I can read your mind."

"Just the usual. Ever since he met you at Connie's all those weeks ago, he's been windin me up about you."

"And that's got you all bothered?"

"Duh. He keeps telling me how he's going to 'nail you so hard' and 'make you scream.' Do you know how annoying that is?"

"Ew, that's just... the only thing I'll be screaming is for him to get away from me."

"Trust me, he won't even get close enough to you to try anything."

"Why, are you going to stop him?"

"With all my might."

"My hero."

"I like to think so."

"I'm gonna take a guess and say that you're at your grandmother's place today."

"You guess correctly. When she found out that I was going to spend Easter Sunday with you and your family, she pitched a fit and demanded that we visit her today."

"You don't have to spend all day with my family. You can always have dinner with your family if you want."

"No, thank you. I've already done my stint today, I'm not extending it into tomorrow, too. Plus, all the other family members will be here tomorrow and I'd rather avoid them, if I'm being honest. They're all unhinged."

"Haha, well my family are no better. I've just found out that we're having a huge lunch thing tomorrow with all my family. From my father's side, anyway. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. The whole zoo is in town. This is you last chance to back out."

"See, that's the difference between you and I. You call your family 'the zoo' and I call mine 'the asylum.' Personally, I think a zoo is a much better option than an asylum."

"Well, I'm the opposite. I oppose animals being kept in captivity, which essentially sums up my family because once you're in it, there's no chance of having your freedom ever again. At least in the asylum I'll be with like-minded people."

"You know you just called yourself crazy, right?"

"I've been called worse."

"I'm sure you have. So, how many of you family will be there in total?"

"To be honest, I lost count. We're a big family anyway, but once you add in step-cousins and partners, it gets seriously out of hand."

"Are they all going to fit in your parent's place?"

"No, that's the problem. So, we're having lunch at one of the family's hotels. Probably the Delaney in Knightsbridge."

"I've been there."

"Good for you. I've been there too."

"No, I've stayed there before."

"So have I."

"It's nice."

"They have a nice chandelier in the lobby."

"Haha, what?"

"Just an observation. And the mural on the ceiling in the bar is pretty cool."

"I never noticed before."

"Take a look tomorrow. You and I will be spending a lot of time in the bar. Alcohol is the only way to... no, wait. There's a flaw in my logic. My family are Irish, they'll all be in the bar so we can't go there."

"..."

"Got it! I'll book us a room and we can raid the mini bar."

"You're going to book us a room?"

"It's honestly the safest option all round. Peace and quiet from the zoo and small bottles of booze, which means we can't get too drunk. I'm so stupid for not thinking about this before. I need to find my laptop to book the whole thing."

"You're going to book it over the internet?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you just phone them and book it?"

"I could, but the receptionist there has a big mouth. If she finds out that I'm booking a room for the day, she'll blab to someone and then the whole plan will be a bust."

"Won't they have your name down on the booking reference?"

"No, just the card number."

"Right, but what about having to get the key?"

"You can go get it."

"Me?"

"Why, what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. I just like the fact that you're dragging me into your mad plans."

"We're Danphie. Forever. If I do something stupid, you do something stupid, too. We're all in this together."

"All? Last time I checked, it was just you and I."

"Fine. We're both in this together."

"Better. So, my part in this whole thing is to just get the key from the front desk?"

"Actually, wait... you'll need to produce the credit card used for the payment and it'll have my name on it. Hey, Daniel?"

"Yes, Sophie?"

"You better book the room."

"Excuse me?"

"You book the room, so you can produce your card at the desk when you collect the key."

"Whoa, wait a damn second! This was your plan and now I have to pay for it?"

"Um... we're Danphie."

"You know what, it's a good bloody job I love you otherwise I would not be agreeing to this!"

"Please, everyone loves me. I knew you'd be no different."

"You're a witch."

"I've been called worse. Once, I was called something that rhymed with witch."

"Only the once?"

"Actually, now that you mention it, it was more than once."

"God, you're something else, Sophie Clément."

"Why, thank you, Daniel Whitaker."

"You're welcome."

"Let me know how much the room is and I'll reimburse you for the trouble."

"Don't be stupid, Sophie. I'll pay for it, don't worry."

"But like you said, it was my stupid plan, so I should pay for it."

"Danphie, remember? We're both in this together."

"You're too good to me."

"Well, you're too good for me. Right, I've booked the room."

"What? You did?"

"Yes. All done."

"That was quick."

"No point hanging around. So, what does one wear to Confession?"

"What?"

"Church tomorrow. What does one wear?"

"Um, clothes?"

"Obviously, but what type of clothing?"

"Well, I'm going to wear a dress, probably."

"Is that allowed?"

"Is what allowed?"

"You, in a dress?"

"Why wouldn't that be allowed?"

"Your legs. Won't they be a distraction?"

"To whom?"

"Any red blooded male."

"I think it'll be ok, Daniel."

"If you're sure."

"I'm sure. As for you, go smart-casual."

"Do I wear a tie?"

"If you want. My father will wear one but Lucas won't. Up to you. Think, Sunday Best."

"Ok, I think I've got this."

"Are you sure, because you don't sound sure."

"I'm ninety-nine percent sure I can dress myself for Mass."

"Ok, but there's something I forgot to mention."

"What?"

"You have to fast for an hour before communion."

"Before what?"

"Don't eat for an hour before Church."

"Oh, ok. Why?"

"Long story, just trust me on it, ok?"

"Alright. Anything else I need to know?"

"I don't think so. How's you're singing voice?"

"Um... non existent?"

"In that case, you'll have to sit with my father and he can mask you. Father McGuire likes it for everyone to sing. The only exception is Lucas, for obvious reasons. It'd be cruel for the kid with CF to have to sing. Death in Church won't look so good, so Luc gets away with it."

"This might sound mean, but you're brother is a jammy bugger for getting out of it."

"Just lip sync through the hymns and let my dad sing enough for the both of you."

"Your dad takes this seriously, don't he?"

"Very much so."

"Then I think I should sing. Really sing. Otherwise, he might hate me and I'm trying to make a good impression."

"You worry too much about what my parents think of you. Honestly, you have nothing to worry about. Mum adores you and you had my father hooked the second you said that you love Pink Floyd. I think my folks might love you more than they love me."

"Still-"

"Just chill out about it all, Daniel. It'll be fine, I promise."

"Yeah, ok."

"Oh, just one other thing."

"What?"

"My grandmother-"

"Already, I don't like the sound of this."

"It's nothing bad, I promise. She's just a major flirt, that's all. I mean, for a woman in her late eighties, she's very flirtatious."

"Like, on the flirting scale, is she a Charlotte or a... I don't know, Emma?"

"Oh, definitely Charlotte."

>

"-Nothing.- So, just be careful around her."

"Noted."

"Can you pick me up tomorrow?"

"Yes, of course."

"From my place."

"Ok."

"That way, I can fill you in on everything in the car. Names, relations etc."

"Sounds good."

"Cool."

"Is that all?"

"Yeah, I have to go now. We're heading out to Church."

"Again?"

"It's never ending at Easter. Not even Advent and Christmas is this hectic!"

"Well, enjoy."

"Said no one ever!"

"There's a first for everything."

"I suppose."

"See you tomorrow, Sophie."

"Unless you back out, that is."

"Not backing out."

"I totally wouldn't blame you."

"Good to know. What time for tomorrow?"

"Come over by 10 am and we can go from there. It'll give us plenty of time."

"Ok, see you then, Soph."

"Will do."

"Love you, bye."

"Love you, bye."