March 3rd 2016

"I am seriously losing the plot!"

"Fashion Week not going so well, huh?"

"It's horrendous. I was pinning all my hopes on today being a good day. I mean, Chloé, Lanvin, Balmain... it was like the big boys were finally coming into play. You know what? The big boys aren't always the best boys."

"I can't decide if the innuendo there was deliberate or not. We are talking about designers when you say 'the big boys,' aren't we?"

"Pardon? ... Oh! Get your head out of the gutter, Whitaker. Yes, I was talking about the designers. They seriously disappointed me today. So, let's talk about something else. I need to de-stress and focus on something else."

"Sure. Want me to tell you what I had for breakfast today?"

"Haha, ok, why not?"

"I had toast."

"Just toast?"

"With butter."

"Toast with butter?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"That's all."

"This is turning out to be a short, boring conversation."

"I also had orange juice."

"Whoa! Hold the front page! The Earl of Castleton had toast and OJ for breakfast today!"

"Oh, shut up."

"I'm kidding. Talk me through your day, starting with you waking up."

"I woke up."

"At what time?"

"Five."

"That's far too early. Then what?"

"I ate breakfast and then changed into my gym clothes and went to the gym near work."

"What did you do at the gym?"

"I met Elias and we played squash."

"Squash?"

"Yeah, yeah, make fun of it. I don't care."

"I wasn't going to make fun of it."

"Oh,sure you weren't."

"I wasn't. Why would I make fun of that? I mean, I get out of breath just walking up to the first floor of my house! So, you and Elias played squash and then what?"

"I showered and then got dressed for work."

"Do you walk from the gym to work?"

"No, I'm too lazy to walk the five hundred yards to my office building."

"Nice use of sarcasm there, Daniel."

"Who said I was being sarcastic?"

"Um... did you honestly get a car to take you five hundred yards?"

"No, I didn't. I walked. I bought the Financial Times on the way, too."

"Financial Times?"

"I'm pretentious like that."

"Please, you're the least pretentious person I know. Have you seen the industry I work in?"

"True. I had a meeting at nine am sharp."

"Another couple getting divorced?"

"The opposite actually. Getting married."

"This is not a stupid question but- why would a couple getting married need to see a divorce lawyer?"

"Pre-nup."

"I thought that was just an American thing."

"As with most American things, it's sparked a trend on these shores too."

"Do they hold any weight in British courts?"

"Not as much as they do in American courts but they're increasingly popular over here so they're being recognised more and more."

"I'm going to guess that the couple have a massive age gap, the man is older than the woman and the bride-to-be is a blonde, topless model."

"Right about the massive age gap but wrong about which party is older. The bride-to-be is a thrice divorced mother of four while the groom-to-be is younger than her oldest child. Oh, and she is the multi-millionaire. Granted, her fortune was amassed from her previous divorces but she's a wealthy lady."

"Divorced three times over? What? Why the hell is she getting married again?"

"She's an optimist, I suppose. Who doesn't want to believe that love exists?"

"Yeah but... three times?"

"Fourth time's a charm?"

"The saying goes, 'third time's a charm.'"

"Either way, I'm not one to judge."

"What did you do after your meeting?"

"I had lunch?"

"Lunch? How long did your pre-nup meeting go on for?"

"Most of the morning, evidently. She was demanding this, that and the other and he was playing hard ball. If they get divorced in the first year of marriage, he walks away with a hefty sum which decreased by half a million for every year they stay married. But! If they stay married for over five years, he gets a million for each year they're married. However, if he cheats, he walks away with nothing."

"That sounds complicated."

"No, that was pretty straight forward. It was all the other demands that made it complicated and rather traumatic."

"Traumatic?"

"In the pre-nup if dictates how often they should have sex per month."

"Ew, gross! Does it really?"

"Really. I really didn't need to know how often a fifty-seven year old expects to have sex every month. Evelyn could hardly keep a straight face."

"Never mind Evelyn, how did you manage not to laugh?"

"Funnily enough, that wasn't the worst pre-nup clause that I've had to draw up. You know since Fifty Shades was releases, we've seen an uptake in S&M relationships and marriages. That means that contracts need to be drawn and signed, laying out everything each partner is willing to do. You wouldn't believe half of the things some of them say. It's... disturbing."

"... Half of me wants to ask, but the other half of me knows that I will regret asking."

"Trust the other half. Want to hear about my lunch date?"

"Date?"

"Well... I assume it was a kind of date. A pre-date, is that a thing?"

"A pre-date? I'm going to need to know more."

"Ok, so there's this lawyer at the first and she's new. Works on the same floor as I do. She's been flirting with me for the last few weeks-"

"Weeks? How come it's only now I'm hearing about it?"

"Because it was just harmless flirting. Until today. I was waiting for the lift when Tamsin joined me. She started asking questions abut where I was going and dropping hints about not knowing what her lunch plans were, so I asked her if she wanted to join me. Then, over lunch, she upped the flirting and suggested we 'do this again sometime.' I agreed and... yeah, that counts as a pre-date, doesn't it? I mean, now that I've told her that we should do it again, I'm going to have to do it again. Don't I?"

"You don't have to do anything, Daniel."

"Yeah, but Tamsin is a really lovely girl and she's... the opposite of Arabella."

"That's not always necessarily a good thing."

"Why not? You're the opposite of Arabella and we get along fine. Better than fine, even."

"You get along better than fine with me because I'm me."

"Yeah, you're right. You're my exception. But that doesn't quite answer the Tamsin question, though. I should go out with her again, shouldn't I?"

"From the way you phrased that question, I think you've already made up your mind."

"I do need to date more. And I don't want my grandmother setting me up with all her friends' granddaughters. Plus, my date with Rachel didn't end well so I need more practice. I'll call Tamsin tomorrow and see if she's free next week."

"Great."

"I knew you'd be the right person to talk to about this. Anyway, I after lunch, I came back here, did some more work and then when I left the office, I went and did a little shopping."

"Shopping for what?"

"Just some travel items for Saturday."

"Right, that. Emma's going to contact you about all the plans. Trust the youngest sister to be the most responsible one."

"Emma learnt from her eldest sisters' mistakes, I'm sure."

"I resent the insinuation that I've made mistakes."

"Resent the insinuations as much as you'd like, it doesn't mean that they're not true."

"I haven't made that many mistakes. Just a few monumental fuck ups, that's all."

"I like how you say a 'few' and then follow it up with 'monumental.'"

"Your clothes arrived, by the way."

"Changing the subject, are we, Clément?"

"Trying to. I've but the bags in the room you'll be staying in and someone will help you dress on Saturday. I'm trying to work my schedule so that I can come back to the flat and get ready with you guys but I'm not sure that it'll happen."

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, I thought I was supposed to go under the radar with you girls."

"Well, there's that, too. Once we're inside we can be a bit more open."

"You mean we can be friends, in public? Oh. Em. Gee."

"Ha ha, very funny. You know what I mean. There won't be any photographers inside apart from the official one and my mother has the final say about which pictures will make it to the press, no one else. So, if I tell her to make sure no one sees us together, then no one will see us together."

"Sounds like a plan, Stan."

"Stan? I prefer Batman."

"You do, huh? You know there's the new Superman vs. Batman film coming out soon. Want to go see it?"

"Maybe. We'll have to see closer to the time."

"Oh... yeah, ok. Well... um, what are you doing?"

"Listening to you recounting your day. You went shopping..."

"Only for an hour or so. Then I came home, did some more work, listened to some of those vinyl records you gave me on Sunday when I dropped you home and then I waited for you to call."

"Sounds like a fun day."

"Oh, yeah, totally fun."

"I bet talking to me has been the best bit of it, though."

"Like anything can compete with you, Sophie."

"That's what I thought."

"Are you in bed yet?"

"Yep, I climbed in just as I was calling you. I'm super sleepy now."

"I won't keep you. Are you going to call tomorrow, or would you like me to do the honours?"

"You can call me. Nine pm your time, ok?"

"Looking forward to it."

"Me too. Right, I better get to sleep. If I have to sit through more boring shows, I better at least look good while doing so and that means getting plenty of beauty sleep."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want you to look like Shrek again."

"Good night, Daniel."

"Night, Pug."

"I should never have told you that!"

"But I'm glad you did."

"Bye, Duck."

"Love you, bye."

"Love you, bye."