January 5th, 2016

"Hello."

"Finally! Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to call? Tell me everything!"

"Why have you been waiting? You could have called me."

"I didn't know what time you finished work."

"I'm still at work."

"At almost ten pm on a Tuesday night?"

"Workaholic."

"Figures. So...?"

"What?"

"Now you're just torturing me. Tell me everything about the break up date last night! Don't leave any detail go spare."

"You're weirdly excited for this, aren't you?"

"So would you be if the roles were reversed. Now, spill."

"It was fine."

"Fine?"

"It's an adjective."

"Wrong. In this contexts, it's an adverb."

"Very well."

"Synonym of 'fine.'"

"Do you want to hear about last night or not?"

"Duh!"

"We went to dinner and as the dessert arrived, I turned to her, filled up her wine glass- I thought she might need it- and then proceeded to tell her that I knew about her and Samuel."

"Samuel?"

"My brother."

"Wait, his name isn't Jesus?"

"Funnily enough, it isn't. Anyhow, she didn't seem upset, which was a bit of a let down. I expected some sort of reaction seeing as we'd been together for almost seven years-"

"Seven years?!"

"Yes, seven years. Arabella and I met at university but we didn't start dating until some years after."

"Friends to more than friends?"

"In a nutshell. You'd think that a seven year relationship coming to an end would warrant tears, but no. Nothing. Nothing. She actually looked relieved. Can you believe that?"

"Totally. I'd be relieved to get away from you, too."

"Ok, Sophie, I feel like I need to tell you this for your own sake, but you're not as funny as you think you are."

"You're right. I'm funnier. Back to your story though. Why was she relieved?"

"She said that she and Samuel had been sleeping together for almost eighteen months and that she'd been waiting for me to open my eyes and realise that she'd fallen out of love with me. She thought shagging my brother would do the trick."

"Haha, you just said 'shagging.' I feel like we should take a moment to silently applaud you for swearing."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Eighteen months is a long time to be cheating on your boyfriend. Why couldn't she just tell you that she didn't love you any more and finish with you like a normal person?"

"Because she's Arabella Foster-Banning. She doesn't do normal."

"Her name is a mouthful, but it still doesn't answer my question. You do understand that she simply used your brother, don't you?"

"Trust me, Samuel wasn't an innocent party in all this. He was probably a willing accomplice."

"Why?"

"He hates me."

"I'd believe that. How'd your break up date end?"

"You said to be dramatic, so I took your advice."

"What type of idiot are you? You should never take my advice! My advice is terrible!"

"I realise this with hindsight. Aren't you going to ask me what I did?"

"No. I'm too scared to know."

"I picked up Arabella's wine and-"

"No! Please, don't say what I think you're going to say next."

"- I threw it over her."

"NO! YOU DIDN'T! YOU TOTALLY DID, DIDN'T YOU?"

"Would you like to know what made this even better?"

"Yes!"

"She was wearing white."

"Oh, my God. That's genius."

"Haha. I know. It was a good thing that we were in a private dining room and no one saw it happen."

"Please tell me that there's security camera footage and there's a waiter I can bribe to get a copy of the video."

"Possibly. After the wine incident, I left."

"I'm half proud of you and half wondering if you're secretly a woman."

"Haha. Is that your way of telling me that it was too dramatic?"

"I never thought I'd say this, but yes, it was too dramatic. Funny, but dramatic."

"That's why you're the only one I've told. Elias would fall over himself laughing."

"Oh, trust me, I'm pissing myself laughing on the inside. This is the best thing that's happened to me all week."

"It's only Tuesday."

"Exactly, thing s will get better. Nice segue into my next question. How are you handling the break up? You were together for almost seven years, after all."

"..."

"Shit, are you crying?"

"No, I'm not crying. And would you not swear, please."

"Whatever. If you're giving me a lecture, then I guess you're not heartbroken."

"I'm fine."

"Lies."

"I feel numb, I suppose. I don't think it's set in yet that it's over. I put off telling her for days because I was hopeful that I was wrong, or that her and Samuel only happened once, but now I know the truth, I don't feel anything."

"It's probably a delayed reaction. Give it a few days and you'll be a blubbering wreck on the kitchen floor while eating ice cream from the tub."

"I thought it was because I'm emotionless."

"Well, it could be that, too."

"Sophie?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For?"

"Making me smile. It's been a long day and I really needed cheering up."

"And you said I wasn't funny."

"You're not as funny as you think you are, but that's not to say that you're not funny at all."

"You just gave me a compliment!"

"Yes, I did."

"Let's take another moment to savour this."

"..."

"..."

"Was that long enough?"

"Not really, but I'll take whatever I can get."

"Cheap."

"I prefer 'affordable.'"

"Haha."

"So, you're good?"

"Yes, I'll survive. I can always call you if I'm not ok, can't I?"

"Why not."

"On that note, I'll leave you to get back to doing whatever it was you were doing."

"I was watching funny cat videos on YouTube."

"Productive evening."

"I was working, but then my sister sent me a link and I got distracted."

"Then don't let me disturb you any longer. Night, Sophie."

"Night, Daniel."