January 28th, 2016

"Work is boring me."

"Fashion not as exciting anymore?"

"No, it is, but it gets boring when everyone is going on and on and on about the shows you've seen. Been there, done that, don't want to talk about them anymore."

"Poor you. Want to swap jobs?"

"Oh, can we? It's always been a dream of mine to shout out, 'OBJECTION!'"

《Who is that?》

"Whoa, who is that?"

《I asked first.》

"Daniel, am I on the big phone?"

"The big phone?"

"Loudspeaker. Am I on loudspeaker?"

"Yes, you're on loudspeaker. You know, this would be the perfect opportunity for you to shout-"

"OBJECTION!"

"-never mind, you just did. Evelyn and I are going through my schedule for next week so you're on the big phone. Can I trust you to not say anything stupid or embarrassing?"

"..."

"Sophie, can I trust you?"

"Oh, you were talking to me! Um, yeah, I suppose you can trust me."

"I'm going to regret keeping you on the big phone, aren't I? "

"No, I promise to be on my best behaviour. So, Evelyn, huh? Sounds like my grandmother's name."

"You know, she can hear you."

"I'm aware."

"And you're still prepared to talk about her like she isn't in the room with me?"

"The way I figure it, either she gets annoyed and leaves the room or you get annoyed and you hang up."

"You have weird reasoning skills."

"I have amazing reasoning skills. Want an example? Good, I'm glad you asked for one-"

《I like this one. She's better than the last.》

"-so, the decision is to either buy the YSL sandals or to pay my home insurance. What do I waste my money on?"

"The shoes. Obvious answer."

"Wrong. I chose the home insurance, because if something happens to the house, my substantial collection of shoes will burn to the ground or have major water damage or, God forbid they could get stolen! So, insurance to protect my ninety-five piece shoe collection over new shoes."

"You insure your house because you want to protect your shoes?"

"What? No, that would be stupid. I insure my house because my father makes me."

《Haha, I love this girl. What's her name?》

"Sophie."

《Ah, so she's Sophie.》

"May I point out that Evelyn has no qualms talking about me while I can hear her."

"But she's not offensive like you are."

"OBJECTION!"

"On what grounds?"

"Defamation of character?"

"That would sound more convincing if you weren't questioning it."

"Fine. On the grounds that it's defamation of character."

"Overruled."

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm the judge presiding in this case and I say it's overruled."

"OBJECTION!"

"For what reasons now?"

"Conflict of interest. You can't preside as judge on a case when you're the accused."

"..."

"Yeah, that's right, I've seen old re-runs of Ally McBeal!"

"Because a 90s American legal drama is always legally correct."

"Ok, how about Evelyn decides who is right?"

"No."

《Why not?》

"Because you're... you're..."

"Holy crap! You're at a loss for words. Ah ha, this is too good."

"Sophie, shut up. And don't you dare shout objection and say anything about freedom of speech!"

"You spoil all my fun, Danny Boy."

《Yeah, Danny Boy, you spoil all her fun.》

"I will sack you, Evelyn."

《No, you won't, because then you'd have to sort out your own schedule. Need I remind you what happened last time you tried to organise yourself?》

"Oh, what happened? Tell me so that I may use it against him in the future!"

"Sophie?

"Yeah?"

"Stop talking."

"See? You spoil all my fun!"

"In this instance, you deserved it."

"In am terribly upset right now."

"As I recall, wasn't the advice- cry a river, build a bridge and get over it?"

"Oh, please, like I ever cry."

"You never cry?"

"Nope."

"Never?"

"Never."

"Seriously?"

"I cry watching The Green Mile. Does that count?"

"Yeah, why not."

"In that case, maybe I do cry."

"What's your grandmother's name?"

"Well, I just took a wrong turn into Random Ville."

"You said that Evelyn sounded like your grandmother's name, so I was wondering just how accurate the statement was. Plus, you know my grandmother's name."

"Ok. Which grandmother do you want?"

"Both."

"Harlow, named after the actress Jean Harlow. And my grandmère is Jacqueline."

《Oh, the pronunciation was adorable. Jac-leen. So French.》

"She is French. Sophie, I mean, not the Jacqueline. Although, come to think of it, she's probably French, too."

"She is."

"I'm stepping out of the office for a moment. Do not gossip about me."

"Promise."

《Promise.》

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"..."

"..."

"Is he gone?"

《Yes, he's gone. 》

"So, tell me more about what happened last time you weren't around to sort his schedule."

《The boy didn't know his arse from his elbow. I swear, he's useless on his own.》

"I always pictured him as self-sufficient."

《Who, Daniel? Good God, no! I've known the boy for almost twenty years and if there's one thing I know for certain, he should not be left unsupervised!》

"You've know. Him for twenty years? How old are you?"

《My, aren't you blunt. I'm fourty-five. I was the family nanny when the boys were younger. I've been Daniel's PA for five years, though.》

"So, you know him pretty well?"

《Inside out, almost. What else do you want to know?》

"Um... you said you liked me better than his last one. You were referring to Arabella, weren't you?"

《Urgh, her.》

"What was she like?"

《Social climber. Bitch. Callous. Vacuous. Vain. Need I go on?》

"No, that's enough. Last question- is Daniel coping with the break up alright?"

《Honestly? He's doing better than I expected. I thought he'd mope around for a few weeks but he's been very... upbeat.》

"Upbeat? I think you mean 'uptight.'"

《Uptight is his version of upbeat. 》

"I heard that! Are you both done gossiping about me?"

"How do you know we were gossiping about you?"

"Because you're Sophie."

"And what does that mean, exactly?"

"You're curious and you know no boundaries."

"OBJECTION!"

"Stop shouting that!"

"OBJECTION!"

"You're annoying me now so I'm hanging up."

《What? No!》

"Yeah, what she said!"

"You're both out voted."

"I hope Evelyn poisons your coffee."

"I don't drink coffee."

"Fine, you're tea, then."

"I don't think drink tea at work."

"What do you drink?"

《He drinks water!》

"I hope Evelyn poisons your water!"

"God, you two are single handedly ruining my day."

"We're here all week."

"Mores the pity. I'm hanging up now."

"Fine. You're boring me."

"Have a good day, Sophie."

"Uh hun. Have a good day, Evelyn!"

《You, too, Sophie!》

"Where's my goodbye?"

[End of call]

《I think that was your goodbye.》

"Yeah, me too."