January 19th, 2016

"Hello, Pug"

"..."

[CALL DISCONNECTED]

~*~*~

"..."

"I know you're there, Pug."

"..."

[CALL DISCONNECTED]

*~*~*

"I have the feeling you're ignoring me."

"Why would you think that?"

"Pug, you're there!"

"..."

[CALL DISCONNECTED]

~*~*~

"If I promise to stop calling you 'Pug', will you stay on the line and talk to me?"

"Yes."

"That's good to hear, Pug."

"..."

[CALL DISCONNECTED]

~*~*~

"You know, there's a double standards about this whole thing. You get to call me things like duck, Brother of Jesus, Danny Boy, Danny Duck, but I'm not allowed to call you Pug."

"One rule for me, another for you."

"That hardly seems fair."

"Life isn't fair."

"True. Life can be unimaginably cruel at times. For example, babies can be born looking like Pugs."

"Or your girlfriend shags your brother, Jesus."

"..."

"Shit! Daniel, I didn't mean that."

"..."

"Daniel?"

"..."

"I'm sorry. Really sorry."

"So you bloody well should be."

"No, really, I am so far beyond sorry. You have to believe me. I'm having a really shitty day and I'm taking it out on you and I'm being a bitch for no reason."

"You're always a sarcastic bitch for no reason."

"Very true, but today I'm just a mean bitch. I hate jet lag. Not that that's an excuse for being incontestably rude to you."

"Well, look at you. You're breaking out the big words. You must really be feeling apologetic."

"I am."

"Then, I guess I'll just have to forgive you, Pug."

"I'll give you a free pass on that one. But just this once. Never call me 'Pug' again."

"Boo. I happen to like it."

"I don't. Obviously."

"Why is that?"

"Because my parents thought I looked like a dog! Babies are supposed to be cute. Pugs are not cute."

"I'm sure there are some people out there that think they're cute. It's like a fetish or something."

"Seriously?"

"It's not unheard of. People have strange desires for many things, including objects."

"Bestiality is taking it a step too far, though, don't you think?"

"I didn't say it was ok to have a fetish for Pugs. I just said that, in a world of seven billion people, it could potentially be a thing."

"That's disturbing on so many levels, Daniel."

"I agree."

"You don't want to- you know- do that with animals, do you?"

"What the actual fuck?!"

"Haha. That sounds like something I would say!"

"That aside, are you seriously asking me that? That it just... my skin is crawling. Sophie, that's just plain wrong."

"That's a 'no', then?"

"I find it worrisome that you'd ask. No, I do not have sexual fantasies relating to animals."

"What do you have sexual fantasies about, then?"

"Huh?"

"Pardon. It's 'pardon', not 'huh.'"

"Pardon?"

"If you don't fantasise about animals, what do you fantasise about? What turns you on?"

"I don't like where this conversation is headed."

"I do."

"I'll bet you do."

"Want to hear about my fantasy?"

"Your threesome fantasy? I already know that."

"Well, you just ruined the surprise."

"Yes, because a threesome would shock me."

"I think seeing a pair of tits would shock you, to be honest."

"It takes a lot to shock me, Sophie."

"Huh. So, your 'thing' is S&M, then? Christian Grey, Fifty Shades style?"

"Does that excite anyone?"

"Ask the millions of women that bought the books and saw the movie."

"Clearly, they are not satisfied with their own sex life if they're fantasising about a sadist from a poorly written fanfic turned erotica book. I refuse, steadfastly, to call it a novel. It's a travesty to literature that it was ever published, let alone spawned two sequels."

"How'd the view from up on your high horse?"

"Fantastic. Unlike those books."

"Haha. Funnily, I can see you as a Christian Grey type."

"How so?"

"Mysterious. Workaholic. Single-minded. Pigheaded. Standoffish. Handsome-"

"You think I'm handsome?"

"Well, it's not like you hit every branch when you fell from the gorgeous tree, is it."

"Well, I am devilishly dapper."

"And you called me modest."

"Hey, I could have gone with suave, you know. I think 'dapper' was rather tame, don't you?"

"Humble, as always."

"I'm winding you up, Sophie."

"Lies."

"Think what you want, Pug."

"I'm hanging up."

[CALL DISCONNECTED]

~*~*~

"Sophie?"

"She's not here."

"Funny, because you sound like Sophie."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"Sophie's not here."

"Lies."

"Must you always use my words against me?"

"Yes."

"I hate you."

"Lies!"

"Whatever. I work to do."

"I have a barely furnished flat to get back to."

"You're not working late?"

"No. I was recently told that my workaholic tendencies made me comparable to Christian Grey. As one would expect, this comparison is not a favourable one, therefore I have decided to head home early."

"Haha."

"What's so funny?"

"Just the way you talk! It's brilliant."

"I don't know why I bother."

"Seriously, you crack me up wit the way you speak. It's just so... proper."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It's not bad, just funny."

"Glad to see that it makes you smile."

"I'm more than smiling. I'm grinning. Like, seriously, if anyone could see me now, they'd think I'm demented."

"And they don't think that of you anyway?"

"Meanie."

"Lunatic or not, I like you just the way you are."

"Haha. Are you quoting Bridget Jones' Diary?"

"That's a line from Bridget Jones?"

"Oh, Daniel. You're like a little duckling that needs to be schooled. Fear not, I will school you on these things."

"You'll school me on Bridget Jones?"

"To begin with, yes."

"Perfect."

"Hey! No need to be sarcastic. I'll give detention if you carry on with that attitude, you man."

"You know when I said hat I didn't have fantasies?"

"... yeah?"

"..."

"Urgh, gross! Do not make me your fantasy!"

"Haha. Knew you'd fall for it. I have zero desires to have you act out any fantasies of mine."

"Aha! So, you admit it! You do have fantasies!"

"I admit to nothing. Have a pleasant day, Crazy Clément."4

"Wait!"

[CALL DISCONNECTED]