January 11th, 2016

"I'm back!"

"Welcome home."

"Seriously? That was poor, Danny Boy. I thought you'd be more excited than that that I'm back in town."

"I'm thrilled! How's that? Better?"

"Exponentially."

"How was your last evening in gay Paris?"

"Amazing. Not as amazing as it is to be home, but it was good."

"Well, I for one, am glad you are back."

"That actually sounded sincere. Are you home or working late tonight?"

"Home. I finished early."

"How's the new place? Cosy yet?"

"Getting there. I've unpacked most of my things but there are a few boxes still left to go, mainly books and DVDs and CDs."

"I can't imagine you watching films, reading books and listening to music. Who knew, you actually have a life outside work!"

"I can be cultured."

"I'm sure you can, but I was talking more about you having a life."

"I have a life. It's just very-"

"Boring."

"It's not boring! Excuse me for not being a social butterfly like you, with a boat load of confidence and a mouth that doesn't give a shit!"

"..."

"I'm not apologising."

"Never asked you to."

"I'm not like you, Sophie."

"I gathered that much. I like the fact that you're not like me. If you were like me, then you'd be boring."

"So, you admit that you're boring."

"Did you hear me say those words? No, so never utter them again. All I meant to say is that two versions of me would be boring. Two versions of anyone would be boring. People are supposed to be unique, not a sheep."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I like action films, crime books and old school rock music."

"I like action movies, too. I read trashy romance novels that are crap but oh so addictive. Yes, I read Fifty Shades, I will admit. I like Macklemore and going to music festivals, but not Glastonbury. I hate Glastonbury! "

"You read Fifty Shades? I wasn't expecting that. I thought you'd be more of a Twilight kind of girl."

"Oh, I read those too. I fly a lot and they keep me sane on the flight."

"Haha. You're a tween!"

"I'm gob-smacked you know the term 'tween.'"

"I'm full of surprises, Sophie."

"No, you're too straight-laced to be surprising."

"Oh, really? Are you sitting?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I smoked a joint once."

"Just the once?"

"How many times have you smoked a joint?"

"Never. As a general rule I don't do drugs and I try not to drink too much. And I eat like a horse."

"..."

"Shocked?"

"Just a little."

"At which part?"

"All of it."

"Why?"

"I just... I'm not sure. I thought, because of your work, you'd be-"

"An alcoholic coke head with an eating disorder?"

"No!"

"..."

"Yes. Maybe."

"I know too many alcoholic coke heads with eating disorders that have died because of drink, drunks and anorexia and bulimia. No, not for me, thank you. I love food too much. Half French, remember?"

"Ah, you're a foodie. Well, I quite like this side of you."

"You're just happy because there might be someone more straight and narrow than you."

"Damn, you caught me."

"Before my mum was a designer, she was a model and one of her closest friends after an overdose. Since then, Mum made it clear that she'd prefer I came home pregnant than a druggie. In her mind, me having a child is worse than being an addict, which is true. I'd be a terrible mother."

"I don't believe that. I think you'd make a good mum. Slightly crazy, but a great mother, nonetheless."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No, I uh... It's nothing."

"If you want to talk, Sophie, I'm-"

"I know. I just don't want to talk about it, that's all."

"Sure?"

"If, or when, I do, you're at the other end of the line, right?"

"For you, of course."

"Thanks. So, uh, what's the flat like? I bet it's huge."

"It's ok, I suppose. It's only temporary until the house is ready, but it's nice enough."

"Wait, your house? You're moving again?"

"Not for a few months, but I will be, yeah."

"Since when do you say 'yeah'? I've heard you say it a couple of times, but weren't you the one that told me it was 'yes' and not 'yeah'?"

"A man can change his mind."

"Please, men are stubborn. They're worse than women."

"Obviously not, because I've started saying 'yeah' and not 'yes.'"

"Whatever. We both know it's because I've influenced you. Where do you live, anyway? I mean, I assume you live in London, but I don't know where."

"I live in St. James', but the house is in Regent's Park."

"Posh."

"Where do you live?"

"Sloan Square. Not far from the Saatchi Gallery and Peter Jones."

"That's, what, ten minutes from where I live?"

"In a car, yes. Walking, it's about half an hour, give or take."

"Do you think we've ever met before?"

"No."

"You sound so sure."

"I think I would remember you if we'd ever met."

"How so?"

"You'd be surprised but, I don't meet many uptight lawyers. Plus, I saw your LinkedIn photo, remember? I didn't recognise you."

"I didn't recognise you either from your Vogue photo."

"Wait, which Vogue photo?"

"You were at a party, stood next to Kate Moss."

"What was I wearing?"

"Really? You'd expect me to remember that?"

"..."

"You were wearing a black dress with lots of lace. Your lips were blood red."

"Oh, that party. God, that photo was taken years ago! I don't look like that any more."

"You don't?"

"Well, I have the same hair colour, same eyes, but I was really underweight at the time so I've filled out a couple of inches."

"I thought you liked food too much to be anorexic."

"I was never anorexic, Daniel. I was sick, that's all."

"Like a bad case of stomach flu?"

"Yeah, let's go with that."

"Sophie, are you ok?"

"You know what, I'm jet lagged. I think I might just go to sleep."

"Jet lagged? You were in France, Sophie, not French Polynesia. And you never flew- you went on the Eurostar. Now, tell me what's wrong!"

"No offence, Daniel, but it's a) none of you business, and b) I don't know you well enough to be spilling all my secrets. You're a stranger."

"Sophie-"

"Daniel, just drop it! I'm not discussing this."

"Ok, don't. Just don't hang up because you're mad at me. Come on, let's just talk a while longer."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Well, my grandmother has officially given up on me ever finding a girl that I like, so she's going to try and set me up with a few granddaughters of her friends."

"Gangster Granny is now Cupid Granny?"

"So it seems. On the upside, she's also playing cupid to Samuel, too. If I have to be miserable, so does he."

"You sound sadistic when you say that."

"I might be gloating slightly at this turn of events."

"Your definition of 'slightly' and my definition are  completely different."

"I like to do subtle and understated."

"Haha. You fail at that, by the way. So, has Cupid Granny decided who victim number one is?"

"I thought I was victim number one! I am a catch, thank you very much, and most girl would kill to have me take them on a date."

"Yeah, that was subtle and understated. Never knew you had such an ego, Mr Whitaker."

"It's a gift, Miss Clément. Just like sarcasm is your gift."

"Natural born talent, you mean."

"Exactly."

"I'm so tired."

"What did Hugo do to you last night?"

"Don't. I'm all Hugo'd out. If I never see that man again, it'll be too soon. You know, after every night out with him, the next morning, I'm like, 'No, never again.'"

"Until the next time, you mean."

"Right, until the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. And the time-"

"I get the picture, Soph. You and Hugo equals bad experiences."

"Bad experiences, but great memories."

"Did you leave Hugo there in Paris, or did he traipse back to London with you?"

"He's back here, although not with me. I chucked him out of the taxi back in East Smithfield and left him outside his building. Haven't heard from him since, so he's either dead or asleep."

"How caring of you."

"He almost got me arrested in France, I think it was rather generous of me, to be honest. I could easily have killed him instead."

"Scarily, I can picture you doing that."

"Nah, I could never kill Hugo. He's my best friend."

"I've never wanted to kill Elias."

"Haha. Good to know."

"I've never been tempted to kill him either."

"Well, the good thing is, you're not a wannabee murderer. That's reassuring."

"Maybe that should have been my opening line. 'Not a wannabee murderer.'"

"Maybe, although I have a weird fondness for, 'You cheated on me.'"

"You're right- that is weird."

"Think of it this way, had you started with, 'I'm not a wannabee murderer', I probably would have hung up and dialled 999."

"In that case, I'm glad I didn't say that. I'm meant to get other people out of trouble with the law, not getting myself into trouble with the law."

"If you ever fancy a career change..."

"I like the job I have, thanks."

"Are you any good at it?"

"Very."

"So, if I ever got arrested in France, you'd totally be my lawyer, right?"

"In France? No. I'd let you rot in prison."

"What?! That's not what friends are for."

"We're friends?"

"Well, I don't talk to you every day because I hate you! That would just be stupid and masochistic."

"Ok, how about a compromise? If you ever get arrested in the UK, I will be your lawyer."

"Even if I killed someone?"

"Even then. Who knows, I may have helped you bury the body."

"Atta boy."

"You sound really tired, Soph."

"I am. I only slept for a few hours last night and then after dropping Hugo home, I went to do some work at the office."

"Why?"

"I left Rachel in charge. Rachel! That girl could ruin my career with the click of the wrong button. I needed to make sure that she hadn't messed up."

"You don't trust her?"

"No! She's twenty-one and an intern. Would you trust any of your interns?"

"No. If my interns messed up, they could land a person in prison for years. If your intern messed us, what's the worst that could happen? Women wearing the wrong trend for next season?"

"You laugh, but that's actually pretty bad in my industry."

"I have no doubt about that. Once, Arabella's friends commented that she had on last year's Choo- whatever that means- and Arabella flipped. Honestly, I've never seen a grown woman have a temper tantrum like that before. Thankfully, it wasn't anything her father's Black Amex card couldn't fix. Her shoe wardrobe was filled with exclusive Lutons by the next evening."

"Lutons? I think you mean Louboutins."

"I don't care enough to be right about fashion."

"Says the guy with a ridiculously expensive Kilgour coat. You know, in your LinkedIn picture you're wearing a Thom Browne suit, don't you."

"Tom Ford, actually."

"Haha. So, you don't care about fashion, huh?"

"Shut up."

"I win!"

"I'm going."

"Sulking?"

"I'm doing you a favour. I'm a lawyer, trained to argue, and to argue well. You will not win a fight against me, I can promise you that, Sophie. That's not why I'm hanging up, though. You sound like you're dead on your feet and you need to rest. I'll call you in the morning to see how you are, ok?

"Ok. Thanks, Daniel."

"No problem. Remember, if you ever want to talk-"

"I know. You're a good friend, Daniel."

"Night, Soph."

"Nigh, duck."