January 10th, 2016

So, I've found my version of Daniel! And he looks like  ^^^ (or the photo that's floating around here somewhere!) His name is Ollie Edwards, and he's perfect for (my) Daniel. Still trying to figure out a perfect Sophie, though. So, the French is back. Most of it is translated within the conversation, so I'm not adding translations at the end. HOWEVER, if it's not clear, let me know and I'll add. Sarah xx

~*~*~

"How's it going?"

"Why are you whispering?"

"Just in case your family can hear me."

"You're in France, Sophie."

"But I can be pretty loud. They might still hear me."

"Really?"

"You never know!"

"Let's just assume they can't hear you so you can stop whispering."

"Fine. How's it going over there?"

"It's... you want an honest answer?"

"Honesty is the best policy."

"It's a fucking shit show."

"Haha. I'm not sure if this is your true self coming out or if I'm being a bad influence on you, but Daniel Whitaker- I like this version of you!"

"Call a spade a spade, I say. This lunch has been a shit show, may as well call it a shit show."

"What happened, duck?"

"What didn't happen, I think you mean to ask."

"Ok, what didn't happen?"

"My grandmother now knows that Arabella and I have split up."

"How'd she take it?"

"Terribly. She started preaching about how I should have paid more attention to Arabella and put a ring on her finger sooner, and such."

"I take it no one knows about her and Sam, then."

"I was tempted to blurt it out, but I bit my tongue instead."

"Why? If anyone was giving me the third degree when it wasn't my fault, I'd have ratted the bastard out."

"He's still my brother, Sophie, no matter what he did."

"If he was a half-decent brother, he wouldn't have fucked your girlfriend."

"It's not that simple. Samuel, he's... he's always been overlooked by my family, always treated like a spare part, which in a way, he is. My family have this warped status and they're all for familial obligations. I'm the eldest son, which means I'll inherit whatever my father hands down to me. Samuel, on the other hand, will get next to nothing. Legally, at least."

"It doesn't excuse his behaviour, though."

"I didn't say that it did. It just puts some of his lifestyle choices into perspective, that's all. Because of his inferiority to me, he likes to one-up me whenever he can. Even if that means sleeping with my girlfriend. He's trying to prove a point."

"But-"

"No 'buts'.  My parents already think Samuel is a fiasco clusterfuck, no point adding fuel to the fire."

"Can we detour from the conversation for just a second? Did you swallow an urban dictionary or something? First you say shit show, not it's fiasco clusterfuck."

"I didn't swallow one. I downloaded the app, instead."

"Haha. Why?"

"I'm trying to keep up with you!"

"Daniel, you don't have to keep up with me, because, let's face it, no one can keep up with me. Just be yourself, please. As amusing as it is to hear you swearing like this, it's also really disconcerting."

"That's exactly what Elias said yesterday when I told him he was groaking."

"Apparently, I need this app, too. What the hell is 'groaking'?"

"Verb. To stare silently at someone while they eat, in the hopes that they will give you some of their food."

"Huh. You learn something new every day, I guess. So, why do your parents think that Sam is a disaster zone?"

"Because he's twenty-four and has no idea what he's doing with his life. He started his degree in Ancient History but left midway through his second year and since then all he's accomplished is alcohol poisoning after partying too hard in Thailand."

"In defence of your brother, I'm sure that took a lot of effort."

"Haha, it did. He ended up in hospital for a week and I think it's the only time I've ever seen Samuel not looking his best."

"You went over there to see him?"

"Of course, I did. We're family. It's what you do."

"No, I know that. If it was any of my siblings, I'd go too, but I thought you hated Sam."

"I don't hate him. I just don't always like him. Plus, all his friends left him there and went onto the next country without him."

"Ouch. That's low. Some friends they turned out to be."

"Exactly. That's what I told him, but Samuel has never taken kindly to anything I've ever said. He thought I was trying to be like our father and it only pushed him farther away. There's a huge age gap between us and when Samuel was growing up, our parents were away a lot, so I was left to be the responsible adult. He thought I was against him, so he rebelled."

"I'm sure, deep down, he knows you were only looking out for him."

"If that's the case, then it's very, very, very deep down. He's used to being the disappointment in the family and I didn't want my parents, and especially Grandmother, to think that he'd messed up again. I can take the fact that they're angry with me over the fact that Arabella and I broke up; Samuel would go out and destroy his liver if they knew the truth."

"You really love him, don't you?"

"It's unconditional. You love your siblings whatever their flaws."

"Very true. What else happened at this lunch then?"

"Everything. Grandmother started to lament the fact that she's eighty-three and still had no great grandchildren. She's not getting any younger, she says, and so one of us should give her a great grandchild. Preferably within wedlock, but at this point, she'll settle for either of us having- and I will quote- 'a bastard child.'"

"In a perverse way, I love your gran!"

"You'd be the only one. No one else likes her. She scared everyone to death. Elias met her once and he still goes ghostly white whenever I mention her."

"What did she do to him?"

"Beats me. He doesn't talk about it."

"She terrified a grown man?"

"That's my grandmother for you. She eats the souls of children, so no wonder Samuel and I haven't given her and great grandkids."

"Haha. Anything else happen then?"

"My father has a new mistress and my mother is sleeping with her personal trainer."

"Hold on, what? How do you know that?"

"Because they started to compare their diaries to see if they could fit in a 'keeping up appearances' dinner with their society friends. My father and the Russian girlfriend, Larissa, are going to the Bahamas and my mother and Sven, the ex-bodybuilder, are going to some retreat in America. New age, hippy stuff."

"Your family sound... modern."

"Modern? This is what the men and women in my family have been doing for centuries. Marriage vows mean next to nothing to them."

"You don't share their views, then?"

"No. If you're with someone, they should be the only one you're with. What's the point in getting married if you know that you're going to shatter the trust? Why do you think I'm so uptight, Sophie? I've seen how my parents are with each other and it's made me tough. Not a good kind of tough, either."

"That's why you had to break up with Arabella, I take it."

"Yep."

"That sucks."

"I couldn't have trusted her after the cheating, anyway. How would I be able to look at her and think everything is ok? Keeping up appearances is not something I do well."

"Have you thought about dating again?"

"Isn't it a bit too soon for that?"

"I said 'dating'. That doesn't mean you have to go in, full throttle, and jump into a relationship. Test the waters a little. See what's out there."

"I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe in a few weeks, but no right now."

"Fair enough. Do you want to hear about my fleeting romance with a football player?"

"Go on then. I need another laugh."

"I'm glad my relationship woes amuse you so. Out of interest, do you support any football teams?"

"Aston Villa."

"Yuk. Why?"

"Because I do."

"You need to pick better teams to support."

"Why, who do you support?"

"PSG"

"Paris Saint-Germain?"

"Half French, remember?"

"Ok."

"My ex, the footballer, played for PSG. I won't tell you his name because... well, you'll see why not. Now, picture this. A naive twenty-five year old-"

"Haha. I love this story already. You? Naive?"

"Did I say that I was the naive one? No, now shut it and listen. He was the naive twenty-five year old and I was the worldly twenty two year old. I was over in Paris doing some work for my mother and Hugo, who I had just met and was a huge football fan, took me to a PSG game. So far, so good."

"But? There's always a but in stories like this."

"But, after the game, Hugo invited me to meet a few of the players. We went and the players asked if we wanted to join them for a party. Why not, I thought. What's the worst that could happen?"

"A lot. Footballers aren't always the most stand up guys."

"You're getting ahead of me, Daniel. Let me tell the story. So, Hugo and I went with them to this club in Paris and the night was a blur of alcohol. One of the guys- seemingly naive- came up to me and shyly asked if I wanted to go back to his appartement with him. He was cute and had an adorable accent, so I thought, why not have some fun? You're only young once and I was leaving Paris in a few days time, anyway."

"Really? Those seemed like valid reasons to have a one night stand?"

"At the time, yeah. I was young! We got into the taxi and halfway back to his place he casually tells me that we were going to have a ménage à trois. I wasn't fazed. He was French, and it seemed like a very French thing to do. So, I nodded and smiled. I always wondered what it would be like to have a threesome and girls had always made me curious, so it was a two birds, one stone thing."

"I can't wait to hear how this ended."

"I'm getting there. We got back to his appartement in the huitième arrondissement and-"

"The what?"

"His flat in the eighth district. The Élysée, where the palace is."

"Can't you just say it in English?"

"Fine. We got back to his flat in the eighth district, which is very expensive, and on the way up to his flat, I got kind of nervous. Then when we walked in, I was basically ready to run for my life. Cold feet, you know?"

"And?"

"The guy and I started to kiss, clothes came off, I started to get more into it and soon enough we were headed for the bedroom. Now, picture this- me half naked, him half naked, stumbling into the bedroom and, bam!"

"What? What happened?"

"Turns out I was not going to be fulfilling my girl-guy-girl fantasy after all."

"Huh?"

"The third party? It was a guy!"

"And?"

"Turns out, the football player is in the closet and he and his boyfriend wanted to 'experiment' with a girl."

"Haha. Did you? Experiment, that is."

"No! I left. I've never been so mortified in my life."

"So, one boyfriend turned out to be a Drag Queen, and another fling turned out to be gay? Haha. You have the shittiest luck with men!"

"You're telling me!"

"Did you ever tell anyone about the football player?"

"No! What he does behind closed doors is none of my business. Although, I saw him a few months later and he propositioned me again. Turned him down outright. Then he picked up another girl and took her home instead. Not sure if a threesome was on the cards, though."

"Do you have any more relationship disaster that you're hiding from me?"

"Well..."

"I dated a girl before Arabella."

"Ok."

"Her name was Francesca Di Matteo DeLuca."

"What is it with you and double barrelled names?"

"Be nice, or I won't tell you how it ended."

"Be nice? Do you know how hard that is? Fine, I will sit and be quiet. Continue."

"Francesca Di Matteo DeLuca is Italian and quite fiery in temperament. Very wild, in every aspect of her life. Her father is some sort of politician back in Italy so Francesca never had that much freedom before she moved over here for university. We met on the first day of uni and within a week, we were dating. Within a month, it was official."

"I don't mean to interrupt, but this is a very boring story. Get to the good bit."

"It took you fifteen minutes to get to the good bit of your story."

"It did not."

"You seriously want to argue with a lawyer?"

"..."

"That's what I thought. Our sex life-"

"Argh, I don't know if I want to hear about your sex life!"

"But me knowing about your ménage à trois was ok? As I was saying, our sex life was pretty- what's the word- vanilla? Not very adventurous. Quite boring. One night, Francesca decides to liven things up."

"Kinky."

"I don't mean with toys and handcuffs and those types of things."

"Did I say that?"

"You were thinking it. One night, during sex, Francesca starts purring."

"Purring? You mean, like a cat?"

"Exactly like a cat. She started scratching at me, leaving these long marks on my chest and asked me if she'd been a naughty... cat."

"Cat?"

"I don't like the word she used. Anyway, because she had been a naughty cat, I needed to punish her."

"..."

"Are you following?"

"I think so."

"Anyway, she got on top and continued to be a naughty cat. By that point my chest and my back were red raw from her clawing, and the purring turned into meowing."

"What?!"

"She meowed at me. Freaked me right out. She kept doing it until we- finished- and then she pretended like nothing had happened. Until the next time, and the time after that."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. What could I do? Three months later, she said I wasn't enough of a cat person for her and she broke up with me."

"Haha."

"Did my crazy cat lady trump your in-the-closet footballer?"

"Totally! I can't believe you got dumped because you didn't like her purring, meowing and clawing."

"Hey, I still have scars! Seriously, I have a scar on my stomach from when she tore into me with her Halloween witches nails."

"Haha."

"How's Paris? You never called to tell me you arrived, by the way."

"Oh, sorry. After we arrived, we went straight to the photoshoot and continued until three in the morning. It was full on and when we got back to the hotel, it was too late to call you."

"It's never too late to call me. What did you do today?"

"Not a lot. We're too tired to do anything noteworthy so we ended up walking along the river bank and taking funny photos to send to my sister in New York."

"Sounds like fun."

"It was ok, I guess. We're going to see a Moulin Rouge show tonight though."

"I've heard that they're really good."

"That's what Hugo tells me- Oui, je parle sur toi. Non, c'est Daniel. Bien sur - Hugo wanted to know why I was talking about him. When I told him that it was just you on the phone, he said for me to tell you that he says 'hi.'"

"Say 'hi' back then."

"Ok - Il dit boujour - There, done."

"Thanks. You're going to have to teach me some French. All I know is 'je ne parle pas francais.'"

"I find it ironic that the only think you know how to say in French is 'I don't speak French.'"

"Ok, I know a little more than that, but I hate making a fool of myself."

"That's half the fun. I still make mistakes even now. Hugo loves taking the piss out of me when I mess up in French - C'est vrai, non? Tu te fous de moi quand je tout foire en Francais - He's nodding in agreement."

"So, you're not perfect after all?"

"I'm practically perfect in every way - Tagueule!"

"What does that mean?"

"I just told Hugo to shut up. He says I'm not practically perfect in every way."

"I like him."

"You like him? - Comment? - Haha, Hugo says he's not gay. - Il n'est pas gay aussi, Hugo - I cleared up that you're not gay either."

"What?"

"Never mind. No one here is gay, ok? - Hugo? - Good."

"Oh, Christ. My grandmother is coming - Yes, hello, Grandmother. No I'm on the phone. Sophie. She's a friend. No, we're not dating. No. No. Yes, I'm sure. Ok. No. No! - Soph? I have to go. Gangster Granny wants to go shooting."

"Shooting?"

"She's in the gun room getting ready to go."

"Um, ok. Be safe?"

"I've done this before, Soph."

"Well, make sure you don't get shot."

"Haha, Sophie? We're only clay shooting today. To my grandmother's bitter disappointment, I'm anti hunting and sport shooting."

"Oh, that's good to know. Have fun?"

"You mean, while she's berating me for being over thirty, unmarried and with no children? Yeah, that'll be fun."

"That's the spirit!"

"À bientôt, ma chérie."

"And you said your French was terrible!"

"I never said it was terrible. I just don't know that much."

"Well, that was pretty good."

"Merci."

"Bisou."

"I don't know that."

"Kisses. It means 'kisses.'"

"Ah, right. Well, bisou, Soph."

"Speak soon, duck."