Chapter 7 - Why you shouldn't involve yourself in the domestic arguments of bushes.

Ross had his hands behind his head as he casually walked beside the river, his black coat billowing gently in the breeze which pushed ripples across the water’s surface, fighting against the natural tide. Behind them the town they had managed to stay the night in after Yerin cheated his way into winning a game of cards and lodgings was becoming little more than a smudge within the horizons heat devil.

“Any luck?” Yerin inquired to the Kkyrunnig who was walking at the front of the pack making exaggerated sniffing motions into the air.

“Hm?” Lichter had missed the question, his exaggerated whiffs being rather loud, but he eventually replied with something vaguely close to an answer “Are you sure she went this way?”

“The old man said she was planning to follow the river, so we follow the river” Wiesse stated, though he gave a cursory glance at the flowing water beside him to confirm they were still on track.

“That is if he wanted us to find her, after all we did kill his dog” Troit pointed out with a tone of sage wisdom.

“Lichter killed the dog, thank you very much” Ross bluntly stated.

Yerin chuckled slightly “Well given his reaction when we presented the poor old mutt to him I doubt he would have given us any information at all had he known first, good thing I told you to bring it out afterwards or all we would have to go on was the gits long string of profanities.”

“I’m sure he would have been much more receptive if Lichter’s idea of regurgitation wasn’t spitting the sloppy mutt at the geezer with the force of a trebuchet load.” Ross remarked and even as he recalled what he had witnessed he had to shake his head in disbelief.

“That’s normal” Lichter said sheepishly

“Normal?! Nothing you do is normal Lich’ my man, you almost took that old farmers head off with his own projectile vomited pet!” Wiesse added and the Crocodile man kicked at the dirt.

Yerin chuckled further “never mind all that, do you have a scent on the lass Lichter?”

“huh?” Lichter coupled the confused noise with an expression to match

“Aren’t you sniffing out our quarry?” Yerin pressed, suddenly confused himself

“Oh… No. There is just some nice smelling cooking I can smell”

“Why. Why are you like this”

“Yea Lichter, why are you like this” Ross added

“What, how is this my fault” Lichter carried on, cutting off the retorts that were already leaving mouths “I never said I was trying to pick up a scent and at what point in time would I have got a whiff of her to trail a scent”

“I have to admit he kind of has us on that one” Wiesse chimed in, to the aid of the croc man.

At this point everyone was shaking their heads

“Well, we best get a move on” Ross said “she spent a day or two in the town it sounds like, so she has a day’s head start on us”

-

The crew had taken a number of precautions to ensure they didn’t loose ground in chasing down Felicity which somehow even managed to include waking up and getting moving during something that resembled morning. It was a precaution that, they discovered, was entirely unnecessary. As it turned out the young runaway was as proficient with morning as the ragtag misfits of their crew.

After a night’s rest everyone got moving again along the path of the river to the chorus of complaints about stiff joints and an insufficient amount of alcohol consumed the night prior. When they saw it in the distance.

A lone tent.

The problem being that it was beset on all sides by bandits.

“Shit” Wiesse and Ross seemed to say simultaneously as they squinted at the hazy images in the distance. They had managed to get surprisingly close before anyone had spotted the commotion and there was certainly a lot of it.

“Bet you’re wishing it was hunger that presented the danger to her now huh?” Yerin sneered at the former actors, the amusement heavy in his tone. Troit laid a solemn hand on his friends’ shoulder and shaking his head slowly he whispered “Never” compassionately.

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“What’s going on?” Lichter asked, he was throwing his head from side to side to try and get a field of vision and failing miserably with his poor eyesight.

“I think she’s fighting them off at the moment” Yerin informed the croc-man, homing in on a small circle that seemed to be forming around a lone figure.

“Right let’s move in for a closer look and see what we can do” Ross said, adopting what he hoped was a heroic stance but ended up looking more as though his trousers were falling down and needed his immediate support.

When no one moved he slowly turned back to everyone and offered a quiet “Well?”

It took a very unheroic length of time before everyone conceded with a “fine” and the group moved as close as they dared.

-

Everyone huddled behind a bush and seemed to successfully avoid being spotted by any of the combatants. The view their vantage point awarded them was of twelve sword drawn bandits in shaggy brown tunics and caps, the matching outfits indicating either army runaways or a bandit group with an eye for aesthetics and symmetry, and a lone female waving a pitchfork around to some mild success. One of the bandits was rolling around on the floor clutching his face and shouting “my eyes” another was on his back clutching a stomach wound and telling his comrades to “get her!” through spluttered blood. But her success was looking to be short lived as the circle around her tightened.

“Right, what’s the plan?” Wiesse asked, everyone’s expression posed the same question and Ross was suddenly aware that all those gormless, clueless faces were aimed at him.

“What, I don’t have a plan?” Ross stated, throwing his hands up as though to present them with his distinct lack of anything.

“You wanted to save this lass so now it’s down to you to figure out how” Yerin stated curtly.

From the combat a grunt and cry of pain was heard and ignored by the group, the cry of pain sounding distinctly un-feminine and therefore not immediately concerning.

“Hey look I’m not gonna lie I was hoping she would be in no danger at all, and preferably naked” Ross defended “If anything my plan for this situation was to throw Lichter at them”

“you heard him you’re up big guy” Wiesse said and patted the Kkyrunnig on the shoulder for encouragement.

“No” Lichter said and stood up folding his arms and pouting defiantly.

“What, why not?” Ross asked bewildered.

“Yea Lizard boy why in the name of the Gods not?” Yerin reiterated Ross’s query with less confusion and more annoyance.

Another grunt and stabbing sound from towards the camp.

“You guys always make me do your dirty work and I don’t want to” Lichter said, he was beginning to get loud as his frustration came to the surface and without realising he had spoken loud enough to garner the attention of the bandits. The assembled fighters all threw the small bush a good long stare and took in the barely concealed 9-foot crocodile and the waving arms that seemed to be addressing it.

“I mean, have any of you ever stopped to consider that I don’t actually like killing people!” Lichter said, this time full on shouting.

“Are you serious!” Ross replied, matching his Man-Croc friends’ volume

“Yes! I just so happen to be a pacifist!” Lichter shouted, arms to the air

Ross, Yerin and Wiesse all looked with baffled expressions at their friend, meanwhile Troit was waving at the now approaching bandit who was coming to investigate.

“Lichter, how do I stress this enough, just the other day you ate someone” Ross said “full on actually ate a person, and a half” he was massaging his temples as he said this.

“That was defence, he stole from me”

“You enjoyed it, you were laughing the whole time you recounted it” Ross pressed

Lichter chuckled “Well it was kind of funny, doesn’t mean I enjoyed it though”

“Why did I have to get stuck with you all” Yerin said into his hands “why not competent people, or a well trained squirrel, anything Gods please”

“Guys” Wiesse tried to get their attention but Ross and Lichter continued their bickering.

“I just mean, this seems like something that would have come up over the Turns Lichter” Ross went on, almost immediately Lichter replied.

“Just because I never said anything before now doesn’t mean I don’t feel it. You guys aren’t exactly the easiest to talk too”

“Guys!” Wiesse shouted again.

“Do you guys need some alone time?” Everyone turned around at this point. It was the bandit that had spoken. He was a few paces away, sword point towards the bickering pair, though his inquiry sounded genuine enough. He bore a near identical expression of confusion as Yerin and Wiesse

“Oh shit, why didn’t you say something” Ross said, nudging his former acting friend and receiving a gentle slap in return.

“Lichter, I’m sorry man but it’s your time to shine, you and Troit want to get to work now maybe” Wiesse said, and Troit took the request to heart bearing his makeshift club in the air and charging with a bellowing cry towards the circle of attackers threatening Felicity.

The lone bandit who had come to investigate the bush with domestic issues had no further trepidation and charged at the group.

“Why must you make me do this” Lichter sobbed through big whimpering breaths and then proceeded to run head long at his attacker with both arms flailing in a double windmill.

The result of a 9-foot weeping crocodile man punching down on to a man’s head is a single, very effective spectacle whereby the outcome can only really be described with the word ‘Eviscerate’.

What remained of the bandit’s head was a sizable puddle of human paste and the Kkyrunnig ran onward into the fray, sobbing all the while.

“Well, whatever that was all about, I’m glad it’s over now.” Yerin said, joining the actors at their side.

“It baffles me, but at least he can produce results, still I guess we should try and be a little easy on him” Wiesse suggested and neither Ross nor Yerin chose to agree or acknowledge the remark.

“Now just to wait patiently for all the murder to stop and I can saunter over and introduce myself” Ross cheekily remarked and he dusted off his hands for another days work well done.