16: Sadness

**Yami's POV**

As I walked into the dining hall for breakfast, I scanned the room looking for Y/n.

"Has anyone seen Y/n yet today?" I called out.

There were only some low mumbles and head shakes in response, "Speak up!!"

"No, sir!"

I let out a long puff of cigarette smoke. This has gone on long enough. She can't fucking hide from me forever.

I turned around and marched back up the stairs, the anger in me beginning to boil over.

"Uh, sir, where ya goin?" Asta called sheepishly.

"To drag her ass out here."

I knocked on her door a few times last night and she ignored it. What the fuck is her problem?

I immediately started banging on her door, "Hey!! I know you're awake!! Get your ass up and answer!!"

Nothing.

"Oi!! Y/n!! You think this shit is funny!? I'll bust down your door!"

"Captain, maybe you should just let her rest," Finral squeaked.

I turned to see I had an audience watching me.

"She can't just act like a fucking child! None of you can! Not while you're a bull! Y/n, you have 3 seconds before I knock this door down!"

Still nothing? Shit, now I was actually getting kind of worried.

"1!" I yelled and then kicked down the door, not waiting until I got to 3.

I dropped my cigarette as I looked into the room with shock. Her bed was nicely made and she left her Black Bulls robe hanging on her chair. The window was open, and Y/n was no where in sight.

"Captain! You ok!?" Asta ran to me and peered inside. "S-She's gone?"

With this revelation the bulls all huddled around, trying to get a glimpse at Y/n's empty room.

"Is she coming back!?" Finral yelled.

"Y/n would never leave us!" Asta reassured.

"Poor girl..." Vanessa huffed.

"Well, what the hell do we do now!?" Magna questioned.

"SHUT IT!! I'm trying to think!!!!" I demanded.

She really left? Because of me? How could I be so fucking stupid? So thoughtless...

I began to look through her room while everyone stood there, still watching.

"Her clothes are still here," I muffled while picking up the book on her desk and giving it a once over.

She was still reading about the history of the Black Bulls and the book was now filled with her markings. There was also a small pad on the desk where she had been keeping notes.

She cares way too much to abandon her squad. So where'd she go? Why'd she leave the robe?

I sighed and turned back to the others, "Look, I think I know where she may have gone."

"I don't understand... why would she leave at all?" Asta said in a low voice while Noelle put her hand on his shoulder.

I noticed Magna was staring me down and Vanessa was glaring at me too. She probably put it together, and Magna already saw anyway. Geez, I really fucked up.

She deserves so much better than this.

"That doesn't matter right now. We just have to focus on getting her back."

"Right!"

"I'm guessing she either went to the Capital or to her home village, Saussy. We'll split up and go after her. I'm going to her village. A couple of you go to the capital."

"Sir, you should stay here. In case anything comes through or we're needed elsewhere," Finral interjected.

"He's right," Vanessa added, still staring me down.

"Shit, fine." I do still have responsibilities as Captain. I can't abandon that. Especially since most of them still have no idea about me and Y/n... and now was not the time to tell them.

"Magna, Asta, Noelle. You three go to Saussy. Vanessa and Charmy, you go to the Captial."

"Finral will transport everyone there, but I need him

with me, so you'll have to travel back on your own."

Asta's face was still plastered with concern, I had never seen him look this way before. "The Capital?" he asked, "Do you think she would go there to try and join another Magic Knight squad?"

A couple of their mouths dropped at his question... The truth is, if they did find her there, that's exactly what it would be for.

"I don't know, kid. We just have to make sure that doesn't happen. Let's bring her home safe."

He nodded solemnly, "Then we have no time to waste. Finral?"

"Right," Finral opened up two different portals and both teams began to split up while the others went back downstairs.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.

Vanessa was the last one left to step through, and she quickly turned to me before leaving, "If we bring her back... Whatever you did. Fix it. Fix it, or let her go."

As she left, Finral turned to me, "W-what is she talking about?

"Sorry, Fin. Not right now," was all I could manage to say before walking to my room and closing the door.

••••

**Y/N's POV**

I haven't been here since I was 7, but it suddenly felt like I never left.

I didn't know why I left the hideout in the middle of the night to come here. It just felt like something I had to do.

I've been broken for so long, and this... well, this is where it started.

A powerful mage born into a peasant family was rare. Having that mage use one of the rarest forms of magic there is, well, that sounds almost too good to be true.

But I remember it all... My parents. The shack we lived in. The desperate yelling. The constant beatings. Going days without food or a bath or clean drinking water.

Those memories, they're alive.

I walked towards the outskirts of the village where I used to live.

I wasn't angry anymore, not at them. I understand why they sold me. Desperation causes humans to do all sorts of horrific things. It's not their fault.

They probably used the money to run away. Start a new life. Maybe even had another child. One they could truly care for.

I imagined the life they were finally able to build together, and it brought me a strange sense of hope. Or, at the very least, provided me with a way to cope.

You see, it's near impossible to care about anything other than yourself when your starving, homeless, thirsty, and cold. I understood that now.

So, the anger faded away and in its place was left a truth so painful, I may never fully heal from it— That I, Y/n, am a burden. Worthless. Alone. Unwanted.

That from my pain grows other people's pleasure. So I am a tool, meant to be used and discarded. That's all I ever have been and that's all I ever will be.

I thought the Bulls would change this, but really, it only solidified it further.

I stood in front of the old, abandoned shack. It looked just as I remembered it. A front door that never latched, shattered windows, and rotten wood.

"Um, excuse me," I called to a passerby. "Do you know what happened to the couple who stayed here?"

"You lost, kid?"

I shook my head.

"Hmph... No ones settled there in over a decade now."

So they did leave?

"Did you know them? The last people who lived here?"

"Don't remember. You be safe out here all alone."

I watched him walk off without thinking twice about the strange girl asking questions in the slums.

I took a deep breath before heading inside.

It was cold and dark. The musty smell of damp, dusty wood lingered through the air.

A small wooden chair and broken table laid in the middle of the floor.

I sat against the far side of the wall where I used to sleep at night, dreaming of my escape.

Well, you're finally free, Y/n. Is it everything you ever hoped for?

The stark realization of what my life had become brought tears to my eyes. But I was alone, truly alone, so I didn't stop them.

I slowly brought my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, and let myself break.

I put my head between my knees to help muffle the sobs.

I didn't know what time it was, or how much time had passed, and I didn't care. This moment had been years in the making.

For the first time, I was letting myself feel instead of forcing myself numb.

Fall apart, Y/n. Fall apart now, and get ready to pick yourself up in the morning.

I heard the door fly open but I didn't bother to move. I thought it was just the wind like it was when I was young.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps and I shot my head up.

"A-asta?" I muffled, noticing it had turned to dusk.

His eyes widened as he observed my puffy, red, tear-stained face, "Y/n. I finally found you."

He sat next to me and slowly wrapped me in his arms.

"You came."

"Of course I did. We're family," he stroked my hair calmly while I tried to get my breathing under control.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"Shh, you have nothing to be sorry for. I'm here now. You're safe."

I closed my eyes and let his warmth encompass me, sinking to my very core. I don't want to be alone.