24

SILENCE IS ALL I hear for a while.

I swallow, looking over at Grace briefly to see an expression of fear on her face.

This isn't the first time mom has called me like this. It's happened a total of four times before.

And it's always the same story.

She got drunk or high, she went home with random strangers, and when she finished, she called me afterward to pick her up.

The last time this had happened I told her not to call me again, but of course, she didn't listen.

She never does.

"No." Maya suddenly says.

I look at her, sighing. "Maya—"

"No." She says more firmly.

Frustration bites at me, causing me to clench my jaw. There isn't a person I know who hates my mother more than her.

And I cant blame her.

She was only nine when she packed her bags and left us. Nine.

I was fourteen. And I was left with a two year old and a nine year old, having no fucking clue what to do.

It was easier for Grace, and in that way, I envy her. She didn't have to grow up with a mother that once cared so much and then suddenly stopped caring one night.

She didn't have to grow up with a father who hates her entire existence for a reason she would never know.

She was oblivious to it all, and I planned to keep that way.

I planned to protect her.

Protect her in a way I couldn't protect Maya.

I worry my bottom lip with my teeth, glancing at her again. Taking in the look of horror and anger on her face. Seeing the way her headphones hang off her shoulders.

"Maya...I'm sorry," I say shakily.

Her nostrils flare and she looks ready to retort something, maybe even scream, but she pauses and shakes her head, eyes glossing over.

And I know now why she hates me.

Because I could never hate our mother. No matter how hard I tried. I couldn't look at her and not see the person who used to ack my lunches before school. Who used to tie my shoes for me.

Who used to tell me stories before I went to bed, and whisper I love you as I shut my eyes.

She isn't that person anymore, I know that. But it's hard to forget.

And sometimes I didn't want to.

I finally turn to look at Lila, watching as she watches us, but doesn't ask a single question.

In that moment, I'm more grateful for than ever.

I was scared. Really fucking scared. That she would look at me differently. That she would see the same weak boy I thought I was.

But I cant be scared anymore.

Lila is the only person I wouldn't mind seeing me at my weakest moments. She's someone I want to show the worsts parts of myself too.

And that alone should make my palms sweat, but I cant do anything more than give her a small smile and begin to drive away from the house.

"Chase..." Grace starts from the backseat. "Where are we going?"

I look over at her, grimacing slightly. "We're just going to go on a little drive, okay? Why don't you play a game with Maya?"

Maya obeys silently, twisting to look at Grace and they whisper softly to each other, allowing me to breathe a little better for a second.

"I'll...I'll tell my mom," Lila clears her throat. "That I might be home late."

I shake my head immediately, "No—"

She glared, "Yes."

"No," I shake my head more vigorously. "You're parents need you home."

"And I need you to need me here," she breathes. Her face softens, almost vulnerably, and I do a double take, shocked that she'd let me see her so open. "Let me be there for you, Chase."

I swallow thickly, my mind running laps as my fingers drum along my steering wheel. Then, I nod, "Okay."

Her eyes are hopeful. "Okay?"

I nod, still a little bit unsure, but realizing more and more that I do need her here. Even if that makes me selfish. "Okay."

She gives me a soft smile, one I allow myself to memorize.

She never looks better than when she's smiling.

I mean, she's beautiful. She always has been. I think I noticed that for the first time two years ago.

She was sitting in the library and I had been looking for a copy of a book for one of my classes.

I didn't talk to her, and she didn't even see me. But she was there. And I noticed.

After that I never stopped noticing.

My phone dings, and I look down at it to see the address mom has sent me.

Anger pools low in my gut but I push it down, determined to get through this without a screaming match.

I make another left, following the directions before coming to stop in front of a rundown house that's blaring music.

I put the car in park and look over at the girls, "Stay in the car, alright? Lock it, too. And don't open it for anyone except for me," I emphasize.

Lila nods and gives me a wobbly smile. I lean closer to her, "I won't take long, I swear."

She just shakes her head, eyes meeting mine. "I would wait for you even if you did."

I pause for moment, then clear my throat, giving her one nod.

I open the door, casting everyone a last look before shutting it behind me and walking up the stone steps of the front yard.

The music is loud enough to be heard in my feet, and I don't knock before opening the door, unsurprised to find it unlocked.

They really allow anyone in.

Fucking idiots.

There's people everywhere, and it smells of weed and alcohol and sweat.

I scan over the bodies lying around and catch sight on the familiar face of the person I call mother.

She's cut her hair since the last time she decided to visit and her eyes are glossed over, indicating she's definitely had something to drink.

I curl my hands into fists and make my way over to her, stopping only briefly when I see a guy throwing up all over the carpet.

I grab hold of my mother's arm, jerking her away from the leering man she was talking to and walking her toward the front door, not uttering a word.

She looks up at me, swaying slightly.

"Oh, Chase, honey," she hiccups. "I didn't think you'd show," she giggles, patting my arm.

I push her in front of me once we've exited the house, closing the door behind me.

Mom looks up at me, blinking.

"Don't." I say.

She tilts her head to the side, "Chase—"

I step out of her reach, breathing heavily as I look down at her. "This...is the last time, mom."

She looks confused for a moment, "What?"

"No more. No more calling, or showing up at the house, or asking for money, or pretending to care. No more," I inform her, closing my eyes briefly.

"I don't—I don't understand," her lips begin to wobble and I force myself to look away.

"What I mean is that after this—after I drop you off to God know's where—I don't ever want to see you again," I lift my chin, fighting the urge to scream.

Her eyes widen, and for a moment I'm a little boy again, watching as my own father yells at my mother. Watching as she doesn't fight back.

I cant make the same mistakes she did, no matter how much it hurts. I cant stand here and continue to let her infiltrate my life in ways a mother never should.

She left me. Not the other way around. And it's time she sticks to it.

"Dad is gone, mom," I whisper. "Dad is gone, and then you were gone. And it was just us. Just your kids left alone in a house with too many memories and no hope of making anymore," I run a hand through my hair shakily. "And I need to be able to give the hope back. The hope you stole. So after this, I don't ever want to see your face again, alright?"

She swallows, looking down at her feet. And I almost miss it when it happens, but she nods.

I release a breath, then nod back before making my way back to the car.

My hands are shaking more than they ever have before, and I climb into the car silently once it's unlocked.

Lila's eyes track mine, but I cant find it in me to look at her properly.

The back door opens and mom comes into view, standing next to a horrified Maya.

I curse under my breath but before I can say anything Lila says, "Let's switch seats, Maya."

Maya turns her gaze to Lila and nods slowly, thankfully. And Lila gives her a small smile back.

Once everyone has seated, Maya in the passenger seat, Grace in her car seat next to Lila, and Lila next to Marley with a gap of space between them, I bite my tongue and start the car.

The drive is slow and silent. Pretty much unbearable, and when mom tells me to stop in front of a dingy looking apartment complex, I cant help the overwhelming relief when she exits the car.

She looks at me through the rear view mirror, seeming like she wants to say something, but I turn my head away, and she closes the door.

And just like that my mother is gone.

Maya is first to break the silence, "That was it, wasn't it?"

Her voice is timid, unlike the Maya now and more like the Maya then. The one who lost her father and mother all in the same year.

I don't answer her, I simply nod, and then we're on the road again, driving away from the woman who stole our hope.

I don't dare to glance at Lila, scared of what I'll find.

She just watched me leave my mother without a second glance. I don't know what she'll think of me. And somehow that's worse than the fact that I'll never see my mother again.

We drive in silence one more, the only sound being Grace's soft hums, and I make a mental note to take her out for ice cream later this week.

Rain begins pattering on the front windshield as we roll to a stop in front of Lila's house.

I glance out the window, watching as she opens the door and gives Grace a smile.

Then gives me one.

I do my best to return it, but I'm sure it looks more like a grimace.

I want to say something to her, maybe something to convince her I'm not entirely fucked up, but my lips stay sealed.

And eventually she walks up her steps and into her house, giving me one last wave goodbye.

I look over at Maya, her headphones have returned but no sound plays from them.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

She looks up at me, a fearful look in her big blue eyes.

I shake my head. "No matter what, I'll always choose you both. You're my family more than she's ever been. Don't be sorry for that."

She nods, and wipes at her nose.

"Chase?" Grace says from the backseat. "Can we get ice cream?"

Maya and I laugh.

___________

It's night time when I do something stupid.

I grab my phone off the nightstand, and dial a number.

For a second, I hesitate before ending the call, but it's a stupid move, because not even seconds later, I'm dialing it again.

It answers on the fourth ring, and I inhale a deep breath before pressing it to my ear.

"Hello?"

My shoulders ease at the sound of Lila's voice, and I'm silent for a second.

"Hey," I finally reply, my voice a bit hoarse.

Now it's her turn to be silent, she doesn't say anything for a second, but then, "What's wrong?"

Her question is soft, and I rub my eyes. "Nothing, just wanted to call you."

She scoffs, "Just wanted to call me?"

I nod, even though she can't see it. "Yeah."

There's silence between us again, before she breaks it, "Chase, is that all you needed?"

No.

Yes.

"Yeah, that's all," I say.

"Okay," she responds, then the line ends, and it's just me with a phone pressed against my ear.

I throw the phone onto my bed, and press my eyes into my palm.

I pretend not to feel the tears.

The knocking on my door happens hours later.

I've changed out of my wet clothes from the rain, and run a towel through my damp hair as I open it.

The towel nearly drops from my hand when I see Lila standing in front of me.

She offers me a smile and says, "Can I come in?"

I blink, then open the door further, allowing her to step inside. "What are you doing here?"

She looks away, "You wanted to call. I wanted to see you," she shrugs.

I stare at her for a second. Probably longer.

She starts to fidget with her hands, and I realize how creepy I must be looking at her.

I step out of the way, wordlessly, and she ducks her head as she walks in, her eyes coasting over everything.

I clear my throat, feeling like there's something lodged there. "You didn't have to...come here."

She gives me a look, "I told you, I wanted to."

I swallow, nodding.

I follow her into the couch, where Lila immediately walks toward the edge of the couch.

And suddenly were just standing there.

I swallow, allowing the silence to grow between us before I open my mouth. "I'm sorry," I begin. "For you having to be there. And see that. And for me wanting you to be there."

"Chase—"

"And wanting you to see that. Which sounds fucked up, I know," I laugh but it lacks any trace of humor. "But you're the only person on this planet that I'm not scared to be around, and I think that counts for something. Or maybe it doesn't—I don't know. I just know that I was selfish when I didn't insist for you to leave and—"

I don't notice her taking steps toward where I stand, or the determined look in her eye.

But Lila cuts me off, pressing a hand to my chest, and my eyes widen when she presses her lips to mine.

And...holy shit.

I think I might be hallucinating for a second.

But the way my hands wrap around her waist seems way too real for that, and the way her lips press more firmly against mine is proof that this is all very real.

Lila Matthews is kissing me.

And I'm kissing her back.

She slides her hand over my chest and onto my shoulder, tilting her head to the side, allowing me to part her mouth with my tongue.

She makes a sound, one I'd never thought I would hear from her, but am desperate to hear again.

My hands fall to her neck, palms pressing against the side of it as our kisses grow more fervent. More...everything.

I've never kissed like this before.

I've never kissed like it might be my last one. Like it's the only thing keeping me alive.

Fuck oxygen. Lila Matthews kissing me is the only thing keeping my heart from stopping.

I wrap my hand around the back of her neck, urging her closer until there's no space between us.

"Lila," I plead, I don't know what for. But I'm saying her name like a prayer on my lips and it's one I hope is answered.

She doesn't respond, too busy wrapping her arms around my neck.

But then she pulls away, and our chests are falling and rising in sync.

I swallow. She blinks.

"You wouldn't shut up," she whispers. "I had to make you shut up," she cringes. "I'm sorry."

I press my forehead to hers, "Please, don't be."

"Why not?" she whispers.

"Because it'll make it awkward for this."

And I kiss her again.

Definitely not hallucinating.

"It worked by the way," I say when we pull apart.

"I can see that," she murmurs.

She lowers her arms from my neck and takes a step back.

I'm desperate for something again. Anything. It feels like where she was just once in the palm of my hand, she's now slipping between my fingers.

And I cant let that happen.

So I say, "Tell me a secret."

Her eyes meet mine, and the relief that leaves me when she smiles a little is almost scary. "I've...I've wanted to do that for a while."

Jesus.

I bite my tongue, afraid I'll lunge at her and steal another kiss.

Instead, she distracts me with her own question, "Your turn."

I take a step closer, "I've wanted to do that for a while, too."

She flares her nostrils, fighting off a smile I wish she wouldn't.

"Really?"

I grin at her, "Really."