21

IT'S BEEN THREE three days since I've seen Lila.

As soon as I had gotten home on Saturday, I regretted everything I had said to her.

But the words were thrown out there, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to take them back.

I've debated so many times to text her and apologize, but that wasn't nearly enough for how I want to convey how sorry I truly am.

I knew I freaked out.

My whole life I've never had anything to look after anyone except for my sisters. They were my rock, and I was theirs.

But then Lila Matthews waltzed into my life and everything just...shifted.

My whole life didn't revolve around my sisters anymore. It seemed to revolve around her.

Like she was the sun and I was the stupid earth rotating around her like a lovesick fool.

I cringe, those romance books are getting to my head.

But it scared me half to death.

To realize that there was someone else in my life I cared so much about.

And I want to fucking punch myself for everything I said.

Instead, though, I spent an hour driving around her neighborhood like an idiot, debating whether or not I should knock on her door.

The more I thought about it, the more I was leaning towards fuck no, but I couldn't stand the last three days without her.

Despite myself, I want her in my life.

And I know that stupid mess-ups were bound to happen, but I needed to apologize for this one.

I was angry at myself, and I hate that she was the one that had to experience it.

I need to apologize, even if that means she won't forgive me.

Which, I'll admit, would suck tremendously, but I wouldn't be able to be mad at her for it. Not by a long shot.

So I park my car and shake my doubts away, forcing my limbs to move and climb out of the driver seat.

I bite my tongue, afraid that if I speak she'll know how nervous I am. But maybe that's exactly what I need to let her know how much I really am sorry for fucking things up.

I clench my hands into fists and knock once on the door.

I do it a second time, only louder, and the door opens automatically.

I open my mouth to speak, but quickly shut it when I see a guy standing in front of me.

"Who the fuck are you?" he mutters staring at me.

"I could ask the same question," my voice is far more gruff than I intend for it to be.

"Who is it, Julian?" A voice rings out from the hall.

Lila.

I narrow my eyes on the guy—fucking Julian—in front of me.

"I don't know," he yells back dryly. "Come and see for yourself."

I want to punch him.

That much is certain.

Who the fuck talks to someone like that?

I'm about to say something when the door widens and Lila comes into view, a horrified look on her face.

Great.

Fan-fucking-tastic, actually.

"Chase?" Lila mumbles. Then she looks at, Julian. "Can you give me a minute?"

Julian shrugs and then leaves.

I don't know if I want to punch him because he didn't even put up any sort of fight, or throw a party because he's gone.

Maybe both.

Lila steps outside, and promptly closes the door behind her.

"What are you doing here?" She glares at me, and for a moment I just take my time to trace every detail of her face.

I don't even realize how much I've missed her until now.

I've missed her a lot.

So much that I actually smile at her glare, causing her to deepen it.

I clear my throat quickly, "Sorry," I mumble.

"I came here to say I'm sorry."

Her brows furrow. "You're three days late."

"I know," I sigh. "But I had to wait for the necklace to be finished—and by the time it was I had convinced myself you probably never wanted to speak to me again, and so I didn't do anything about it, but I really needed to apologize because I was a fucking idiot. Still am, honestly. And I wish I could explain it all to you—I want to do that. But I'm really fucking scared. I've been scared all my life."

She blinks at me, "Slow down. What necklace?"

I blink back at her, then reach into my pocket to grab it, suddenly even more nervous than before. "Remember at the uh, market center?"

I catch her eyes, and try to convey the memory. The one of us sitting on that bench and my slight teasing.

Only I wasn't teasing.

"I made you a necklace out of silver," I place the necklace out in front of her and chuckle at myself.

Her mouth parts in shock as she looks down at it, "You...made it?"

I nod, feeling my ears heat, "Yeah. I scrounged up the parts and put them together. I know it's not the best but..." I shrug.

Looking at it now, I want to kick myself.

The silver chain is slightly rusted, but I wanted to make it for her.

Anyone could buy her jewelry, and I didn't want to be anyone.

"Why the hell would you do this?" she whispers.

I cough, "I don't deserve your forgiveness, I know. But I just wanted you to know that I would work for it anyway. You're my friend, Lila. And I'm sorry for how I fucked things up," I rub the back of my neck.

She shakes her head, "Chase, you're a fucking asshole."

Well, shit. I wasn't expecting a warm hug, but that was a little harsh.

I frown at her and she continues, "You cant just make me jewelry one second, and freak out on me the next," she grumbles. "That's not fair."

My heart feels heavy, "I'm so sorry, Lila. I am. Just take the necklace, it's yours. You don't have to wear if, but I want you to keep it."

She rolls her eyes at me, "I'm going to wear it."

My lips perk up, "You are?"

"It's a necklace. Usually people wear necklaces," she mutters. She places the necklace back in my hand, "Put it on for me?"

I nod, simply thankful that she's choosing to wear it. Not going to lie, it took me around two days to make that thing.

Lila sweeps her hair aside—which I've noticed she's left down today—to one side, exposing the bare skin of her neck.

I unclasp the necklace, and place it around her neck, my fingers brushing against her skin.

I take notice of the way she straightens slightly, a small chill working it's way down her spine.

I want to kiss her.

Its a stupid thought, but it's there. And it's been there for a while now, I think.

I take a deep breath in as I fasten it quickly, letting it fall against her neck before stepping away.

She grabs hold of the small silver beading, "It's amazing, Chase," she murmurs.

I smile, "Glad to hear that."

She faces me. "And I'm not mad at you, I don't think I ever was," she shrugs. "I mean, obviously I tried to be, but I understand, Chase, I do. I may not know your exact situation, but I know what it's like to feel you owe your whole life to another person. To feel completely bound to them in a way that everything else simply doesn't matter," she looks up at me. "Even yourself."

I stand there, speechless, and staring at her in a way I haven't before.

In a way I haven't anyone else before.

Because for the first time in my life, there's someone who simply understands. Someone who doesn't chastise me for the choices I make.

Someone who doesn't remind me constantly that I'm throwing my life away.

Someone like Lila Matthews that I'm struggling to figure out how I ever fucking existed before I met her.

"Thanks, Matthews," I say, my voice heavy. "thank you."

She breathes in deeply and nods her head. "I want to know it all, Chase. But I wont push you for it, if you promise not to push me, okay?"

I nodded, "I promise." She smiles at me and I realize right then that I would fulfill any promise just to see that smile on her face. "That was smile thirty-two," I murmur.

Her brows furrow, "What?"

"You've smiled at me a total number of thirty-two times since I've met you, Matthews."

Her eyes widen as she looks at me, "You...count my smiles?"

I swallow thickly, "It was a game I liked to play with myself at first, because well, you're you. But yeah, I've counted all of your smiles. Even the small ones that are barely there," I admit.

"You—why—you're crazy," she breathes. "Really fucking crazy."

I grin at her, "Thank you."

She shakes her head, as if in awe, and then the front door opens again and that same guy stands there, souring the mood with every second.

He looks between us, then his gaze lands firmly on Lila, "Your mom needs you," he says, then he turns around, leaving us again.

She looks back over to me, "Do you want to come in?"

I glare at the door, "Are you sure he would like that?"

She snorts, "Who?" I raise a brow at her and her face morphs into one of realization. "Oh my God. Are you j—"

"No," I scoff cutting her off, though I say it way too quickly.

"He's my cousin, Chase," she laughs. "My aunt is over for dinner tonight. Relax, don't get your trousers in a twist."

I cant help the relief that floods through me, but I ask, "Trousers?"

"What?" she shrugs. "You're the British aficionado. Come on," she tugs on the sleeve of my shirt and the next thing I know I'm standing inside of her house. Her usually quiet house.

Its definitely not quiet today.

"You really did lose your jacket, Chase," Lila whispers to me looking at the new black one, and I'm trying to recall what she's talking about before it hits me.

"I told you, there're other jackets," and I had liked that one—a lot, but it was old and her smile was worth losing it.

She rolls her eyes helplessly and pulls me along, where I see around six kids all ranging from the ages of six through sixteen.

Lila points out a small brunette standing next to Mrs. Matthews and says, "That's my aunt Julia. She just flew in from Arizona for the weekend."

I tilt my head, "So that's where you from? Arizona?"

Lila swallows quickly and nods her head, but she's quick to change the subject.

She tells me the names of her six cousins, and I do my best to remember each one, but I don't exactly have the best comprehension.

Once we enter the kitchen, Lila gives me an apologetic look before her aunt and mother approach me.

"I told you! He's adorable, no?" Mrs. Matthews squeezes my shoulder and I smile at her.

Aunt Julia nods in agreement, "Look at his face!" She laughs. "Don't be scared...what was it again?"

"Chase," I say hesitantly.

"Ah. Chase. I hope you aren't making my niece Chase you," she laughs at her own joke and waves her hand around. "Jokes, jokes," she assures me. "So, is that your car outside?"

I'm pulled into a lengthy conversation about the importance of cars and car safety with Aunt Julia for about thirty minutes before Lila pulls me away from her.

"Thank you," I murmur gratefully.

She nods, though an amused smile plays on her lips. "Do you see why I told you never to bring up cars?"

"I'm assuming Aunt Julia is your dad's sister?" I chuckle.

She nods, "The one and only—and I mean that literally. She was the only girl out of five boys."

My brows shoot up, "That sounds..."

"Like a nightmare," Lila finishes. "Anyway, my grandpa has a car dealership back in...Arizona, and they all grew up working there pretty much. But my dad eventually switched career paths much to my grandpa's dismay."

"He didn't want to him to a be doctor?"

She snorts, "Nope. Which is weird because Im pretty sure that's like every parents dream for their child, but," she shrugs.

I nod at that.

I still remember when my dad had sat me down years ago, asking me what I wanted to be when I was older, at the ripe age of ten.

As if I had a clue.

How was I supposed to just decide what I wanted to do with my life when I had barely lived it?

He didn't see it that way, though. He got mad when I had told him something childish, as if I wasn't his ten year old son and one of his colleagues instead.

I used to wonder that maybe if I had shown more interest or responsibility about my future, he would have stayed.

But I learned pretty quickly nothing would have kept him from going.

Not even his own son.

"Chase?" Lila's voice interjects my thoughts. "Did you hear me?"

Her brows are furrowed into an expression of worry but I smile to make sure she knows I'm fine.

"Sorry," I say.

She shakes her head, "Where'd you go just then?"

"I'm right here," I tell her.

She looks like she doesn't believe me, but she doesn't press further either. I realize she really meant what she had said earlier on her porch.

She wouldn't push me if I didn't push her.

But I still didn't know what that meant.

Push her for what?

I know she's hiding her own secrets, ones she's tried her very best to not let anyone in on.

But if you look close enough sometimes you can see it in the way she carries herself, as if she's had to walk around with a weight on her chest before.

"I asked if you wanted to have dinner with us—properly this time," she flushes at the memory of our last dinner together and how badly that had gone.

That somehow seems like so long ago.

"Yes, Matthews, I would love to have dinner with you. It's a date," I grin.

She narrows her eyes, "Alright, Rhodes, settle down."

I know she doesn't mean for it to, but her words still make me smile.

Dinner with her family, is...loud.

Her cousins are all over the place, chatting and playing with each other, but somehow it makes it all feel more secure.

Like a family should be.

Lila apologizes numerously, but eventually even she can't deny that the singing brings the house to life.

"On a scale of one to ten," Lila whispers, leaning in her chair to reach me, "How much are your ears bleeding?"

Her cousin Sophie hits a high note, though it's more of just a high-pitched scream, and I cringe.

"I'd say a solid, nine."

She smiles at me, and I don't think I'd have it any other way.