𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 35

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It's dark everywhere I see unlike the world I was living in before. The later one was also not perfect but it had some rays of shine that were beautiful and chanting.

My wife. My beautiful wife. She was the ray of sunshine in my dark life.

It's been so many days since I have heard from her and it's killing me inside. Slowly and steadily, I am dying every other moment, falling into the darkness where there are no rays of shine.

The strange feeling of loneliness that stayed with me for years was intensified. I was broken and abandoned. It was killing me inside. It was slowly taking me away from the world that has nothing for me anymore.

Ahista ahista har dhalti sham ke sath main andar se mar raha hoon.

Neither I was able to work properly nor I was able to do anything else. My life has been a mess in the past few weeks. It's just me and the loneliness together in this empty apartment.

The warmth of my woman wasn't there anymore. Her belongings were the only sign of her in this place that was once lively with her. This place isn't home anymore to me because she isn't here. It's just a place where I am trying to survive.

I can't remember how many times I have desperately touched her things just to feel her presence, just to get a soft touch of her out of anything.

I keep looking at her pictures in my phone. The most recent ones were sent by my friend when I had gone to Dubai and Mehr visited his house to meet his wife. I smiled at the photos. They were candid pictures of her. She had her sweetest smile on her face. Dressed in red suit, she was looking breathtaking. I don't remember how many times I have seen her pictures.

I madly sprays her perfume in the bedroom but it doesn't smell like her anymore. It was always different on her body.

Everything is different without her.

Us ke jane se meri duniya hi weraan ho gai hy.

I toss in bed all night, my eyes fixed at her soft pillow which still has her fragrance. My eyes become watery the second I see her empty place. For two years, she laid beside me. Just here at the same place, I had made love to her countless times and I had embraced her in my arms every night.

I wanted to feel her warmth again. Her soft skin had the magic to calm my senses.

She was my safe space who was always different from other people. She was pure and delicate. I miss her. I miss her so damn much.

Every other night, I cuddle her pillow and cry miserably thinking about her and my life which is empty without her.

I will die without her being at my side.

I haven't seen her for so many days now. It never happened in two years that I stayed away from her for so long nor did we have any kind of contact. It's so new and devastating.

Did Mehr feel the same pain when I used to ignore her presence in my life and took her for granted?

Did her heart constrict the same as mine?

Did she feel the same waves of pain in her head?

Did she go through the same hurtful phase for two damn years...

What I am feeling today is just the pay back of what I did to her. It's so shameful that I caused her so much pain and never realized that I was hurting my beautiful wife.

Oh God.

Why am I like that.

What kind of a pathetic man I am who hurt his most beloved person.

Why I myself messed up my life. If only I had opened my heart to her our relationship would have been different. But I chose to remain at a distance and that it's changed into greater distance leaving me in agony.

I am the root cause of everything. I felt as if I am the worst person in the world. I destroyed everything with my own hands. I am so ashamed of myself.

Tears rolled down on my cheeks, I started crying at the pain I caused her that ended up in her hating me. I was also crying at my own pain that wasn't bearable now.

I closed my eyes and rested my head back on the wall. I was smoking cigarettes, sitting on the floor of the balcony. Inside, it was only suffocation. I was feeling as if the walls would crash on me and moreover this place used to be Mehr's favourite place in the apartment. She loved spending her time here.

The cigarette between my fingers burnt my skin and I opened my eyes to see my fingers. My skin was red and burning. There was a round circle on my skin similar to some other on my body.

My eyes were still watery. Crying silently, I pressed my lips together into a thin line and held the finger in-between my index finger and thumb. I stared at my hand for some time and then pressed the cigarette on my palm. A wave of burning sensation passed through my hand.

I threw the cigarette away and fisted my hair, crying hard again.

"Mehr please come back" I whispered in between my cries.

"I can't live without you"

I rested my aching head back on the wall. The feeling of guilt had overpowered my brain. I closed my eyes once again and tears kept rolling down on my cheeks.

After some time, with a loud thunder clouds started pouring down water from the sky. I got soaked in the rain water but didn't move an inch from my place. I kept sitting at the same place, the rain water touched my skin, I felt as if she was near me. I was trying to find her warmth in everything she liked.

And she loved rain which I hated but today rain wasn't bothering me instead it was soothing my aching body in a weird way.

"It's too cold but very calming. You should come to" Her chirpy voice from the earlier days of our marriage was heard once again by my desperate ears.

"Why don't you like rain, it takes away our pain" Once she smiled at me and said these words.

"You are such an old soul" She shook her head in amazement and in reply I just stared at her for calling me an old soul. She muttered, sorry watching my irritated face.

"I haven't seen you smiling. Is there any problem?" She asked gently in the second week of our marriage and in reply I just muttered a 'no' instead of talking to her about my feelings.

Now, I was left alone without her whom I had always pushed away deliberately. I remember how instantly her smile would drop from her beautiful face every time I used to misbehave with her but my heart of stone never melted for her.

I was startled at the sudden sound of thunder. It was too loud and frightening. I breathed hard and went inside. I was alone and terrified.

I looked around but couldn't find my phone. I don't remember where I have put it. I fisted the hair on my neck and tried to remember where my phone was. After finding it, I desperately called my wife from the number but she didn't pick up.

Oh my God please!

I kept trying but she didn't pick up nor rejected the call. I decided to send her an audio message like the hundreds I have already sent her.

Kaha chali gai ho Mehr! Mujhe ek mauka to do main sab theek kar doon ga. I am so sorry. Please forgive me...Please tell me where are you. Please I beg you. You know that I can't live without you...It's killing me Mehr! This ignorance of yours will take my life. Please come back..I am so sorry!

I ended up on the floor sobbing like a child.

Outside the window, water was pouring down from the sky and inside the window it was running down from my eyes...

Ehan's pov ends here.

Damn this chapter was chilly. I hope I have portrayed his emotions rightly.

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