30 | so much more

"today," the girl sniffed. "as we bid farewell to our dear friend paige, i can't help but to smile though the tears. she was a force of nature, a whirlwind of laughter and joy."

i sat in the back of the church, hoping to not catch anyone's eyes.

i know what you're thinking.

saylor saylor saylor, why are you at her fucking funeral???

i have to do this for my own closure.

it's not about dwelling on the past, or even seeking revenge. it's about finding a sense of peace within myself. for so long, i've carried the weight of those horrible memories, and i think that being at the funeral today is an important part in my healing process.

thankfully, billie understood me and was completely supportive of me coming.

during the ceremony, i honestly did a good job of laying low, watching everyone give their eulogies from afar.

"now paige was far from perfect," a guy said. "she was a person of contradictions. she had bad habits, ones that caused frustration or concern. but in the midst of those imperfections, she possessed a heart of gold."

then quinn approached the podium.

"paige was my best friend, and she was taken away from me way too soon," she started. "she didn't deserve what happened to her. she went out to coachella that weekend with intentions to have a good time. and we all know her for-"

quinn's eyes landed on me, and she paused.

panicked, i quickly put my head down.

fuck.

"um," she continued, clearly caught off guard. "if paige taught me anything, it was to always be aware."

then she looked at me and continued to say "sometimes the friendliest face hides the sharpest claws."

-

the ceremony was ending and it was time for the final viewing of the body before they close the casket.

it took a lot in me, but i stood up along with everyone else, getting in line to see. i made sure that i was the last one in line.

as i passed by people in the crowd, i saw so many people crying. and i started to feel guilty.

it was my turn and i slowly approached paige's body.

she was a in a suit that was light blue.

her favorite color.

and it complimented her tan skin rather well.

i looked behind me to see everyone looking at me with sympathy. i guess as paige's ex fiancé, they're not surprised that im here.

as i stared at her lifeless body, a tear fell from my eye.

"oh paige," i said softly as more tears started to fall. "lord knows you gave me hell but you showed me a good time too. and regardless of the attitude, you spoiled me rotten."

i then leaned down to the casket, closer to her face and kissed her cheek.

and i whispered in her ear "i can't believe after all of that, you ended up dead before me. now rot in hell you sick bitch."

i then rose up and wiped my tears. i walked down the isle and left out of the building.

-

i had to sit in my car for awhile and gather my thoughts. so while i did that, i watched them lower the casket into the ground from afar.

i don't think this'll ever feel real to me.

i was scrolling through instagram for awhile until someone knocked on my passenger window.

i looked over to see quinn. "open the door."

"fuck you," i said.

she then opened it. "it wasn't even locked dumbass," she said as she sat in the passenger seat.

"what do you want?" i rolled my eyes.

"why did you come?" she looked at me, seeming genuinely annoyed at my presence.

"she was a huge part of my life quinn," i explained. "i have a right to be here."

"you hated her," she gritted her teeth, getting in my face.

"and you betrayed her," i got in her face. "multiple times. so i don't wanna hear it. you were never a real friend to her, so don't try to be now that she's gone."

"fuck off!" she exclaimed. "this is all your fault! you and billie's!"

"no it's not," i told her. "wrecks happen. maybe if she wore a seatbelt we wouldn't be here right now-"

quinn then slapped me. "fuck you," she said, breathing heavily.

shocked, i just looked at her as i held my cheek.

"it shouldn't have ended that way," she shook her head. "if paige lived through that, she would've sought revenge."

"paige wanted to go on that drive for revenge," i shrugged. "now look at her, 6 feet deep in a ground. what are you gonna do about it?" i tilted my head.

quinn spat my face.

my mouth dropped open from shock. i wiped the spit, huffed and back handed her on the face so hard, her whole body moved and hit the car door.

"get the fuck out of my car," i said sternly. "fore i put you in the ground with your friend."

frightened, quinn quickly opened my car door and hurried out, slamming it behind her.

i immediately drove off, tears beginning to stream down my face.

some sad, some happy.

this is just overwhelming.

i wish there didn't have to be drama during all of this but oh well, i gotta do what's best for me. paige is gone and it's to for me to reclaim my power and let go of all the lingering pain and resentment.

im ready to move forward with a sense of freedom and acceptance.

-

"saylor?" the bartender asked. "saylor monroe?"

"annie?" i rose my eyebrows. "long time, no see. you still work here?"

"im a manager now," she smiled. "but what are you doing in palm springs? i thought you permanently lived in los angeles now with billie eilish."

"i do," i replied. "but i was here for a funeral."

"oh my god you went to paige's funeral?" her eyes got wide. "guess it makes sense, i forgot how long you two were together."

"yeah," i sighed.

"so was everything true?" she started, leaning over the bar to me. "did you really get her arrested right after you guys got married?"

"wha- how do you know that?" i furrowed my eyebrows.

"this is your home town," annie tilted her head. "do you know how many rumors have been going around about you ever since you left?"

i rolled my eyes and groaned. "why am i not surprised?"

"you know how this side of palm springs is," she chuckled. "we all know each other, and you were everyone's crush."

"so?" i shrugged.

"sooo when everyone's crush is now dating the hottest celebrity, shit gets talked about and rumors get spread," annie grinned as she poured some tito's into a double shot glass.

i just let out a deep sigh.

she then slid me the glass. "on the house, you seem like you need it."

"what i need is a fucking cigarette," i rolled my eyes.

annie squinted. "i've never seen you smoke."

"cause i dont," i chuckled.

"take the shot, monroe," she playfully rolled her eyes.

i threw the shot down my throat, my face frowning at the taste. i slammed the glass down and annie grabbed it immediately, pouring another shot.

i took the second one and let out a loud groan before laying my head down.

i could hear the chair next to me being moved, letting me know that someone just sat down.

"woah," the person said. "just give me whatever she had."

i lifted my head and looked at the girl.

"oh," she rose her eyebrows. "it's you."

"hi," i fake grinned. "remind me your name again."

"aj," she chuckled.

"right," i nodded. "aj," i said as i picked up yet another shot that annie has poured for me.

"might wanna take it easy huh?" aj said with genuine concern.

"hey," i put my hand on her shoulder. "you're at a bar. please dont try to tell me what and what not to do with liquor, save that shit for the hospital."

annie looked at me slightly wide eyes. "hey, woah chill."

"it's okay," aj shrugged. "she doesn't mean it."

i side eyed her. "don't speak for me, i most definitely mean it."

aj squinted. "you were a lot nicer when you were eating a honeybun at 3am-"

"and you seemed a lot nicer before i saw you at the funeral today," i cut her off.

her face dropped.

i then shifted in my seat to face her. "like do i look dumb to you? were you just trying to set me up the other night?"

"no no," she quickly shook her head.

"so you know each other?" annie furrowed her eyebrows, trying to catch up.

"she knew me," i told annie with a fake smile. "and this whole time, i thought it was only because im dating billie."

aj just looked at me, knowing she was caught.

"but when i just so happened to go through some of the wedding photos the other day, who did i see sitting in the crowd?" i looked at her. "what a fucking coincidence."

"oh shit," annie rose her eyebrows.

"i swear it's not like that," aj shook her head.

"you were friends with paige," i said sternly. "you came to our fucking wedding, and when i told you that my abuser died, you said fuck her just to show up at her funeral today??? go to hell."

aj sighed. "i was trying to protect you."

i rolled my eyes. "oh kiss my ass."

"look," she scooted her chair closer to me. "i know how abusive paige was to you, we all knew. that's why we couldn't believe you were actually willing to marry her in the first place."

"when medics brought paige to the hospital, i was one of the first ones who saw her, though she was already gone," aj continued. "then they brought in billie, and it all clicked."

"sooo you wanted to spy on billie and i?" i furrowed my eyebrows.

"no," she face palmed. "all us friends were in the group chat talking about the crash and they were literally planning to come to the hospital and harass you and billie, or get some type of revenge."

"so i stayed on the hallway you guys were staying on and monitored it to make sure nothing happened," she further explained. "then you came out of the room and that's when we met, and once i saw you outside, there was no way i could leave you out there alone."

"i don't understand," i shook my head. "your friend died the night before your birthday and you wanted to protect me? why?"

"i never agreed with how paige treated you," aj told me with genuine sincerity. "i always felt bad for you, you deserved better."

"why couldn't you just say all of this shit that night at the hospital?" i asked.

"i couldn't rat on myself like that," she shook her head. "it was clear you didn't know me so i just rather it remain that way. i didn't expect to see you again, especially not at the funeral."

i just looked at her, not knowing what to think.

"wow. this is some movie shit," annie blinked.

- billie's pov -

"nah," i told tatum as we sat at her kitchen island. "the second leg of tour is postponed til next year."

"why not in a couple months?" she asked.

"i have other media obligations later this year so it would clash," i shrugged. "it works out though."

"true," tatum nodded. "hey where's moony? wasn't she supposed to be back by now?"

"yeah," i pulled out my phone to check the time. "the funeral was this afternoon-"

then the door suddenly opened, and saylor came through stumbling.

"saylor," i quickly went to grab her. "what the fu- are you drunk?"

"hmm?" she looked at me.

its like i could see through her eyes.

"oh my god," i said as i let her go. "did you drive like this? how did you even- where have you been?"

"i went to a bar after the funeral," she started as she sat at the island. "and an old friend of mine gave me some shots and a margarita to-go."

"and you sipped it the entire 2 hour drive back here?" tatum exclaimed. "do you not realize how paige just died?"

"paige didn't die because she was drunk, she died because billie killed her," saylor blurted out.

oh my god.

tatum knows what happened, but neither of us still expected saylor to just say that shit.

our eyes were wide and saylor just looked at us. "what? you did," she shrugged at me. "surprise they're no claims of foul play out there," she chuckled.

"can you shut the fuck up?" i walked up on her.

"oh cmon," she put her hands up in defense. "it's not like anyone can hear me."

"doesn't matter," i shook my head. "the entire point we're trying to make here is that you could've gotten hurt drinking and driving."

"yes mother im sorry," saylor said. "it'll never happen again," she rolled her eyes before putting her head down.

my blood was lowkey boiling at this point and tatum could see it.

"b," she whispered, getting my attention. "she's only drunk cause she's feeling a lot of emotions. she was never able to fully feel her feelings while paige was alive. so now that she can, she doesn't know how to handle them."

and i knew tatum was right, i just need to be patient.

either way though, she shouldn't have drank while driving.

but i'll let it go..

i sighed and lifted saylor's head.

she looked at me and smiled, and my heart melted.

my baby.

"you wanna get in bed?" i asked her.

she just nodded with a pouty face, holding her arms out for me to pick her up. i did just that and walked her to the guest room, laying her down on the bed.

i undressed saylor and tucked her in. i then kissed her cheek and told her good night.

"wait," she stopped me. "where're you going? you're not gonna lay with me?"

"im coming back baby," i told her. "just give me a second okay?"

"okay. i love you billie," she said softly before closing her eyes, falling fast asleep.

i let out a deep breath and poked my lip out.

"i love you so much more, saylor."

i kissed her forehead, and i walked out of the room.