21 | nowhere to go

- billie's pov -

"have you talked to her?" zoe asked as she sat in the studio with me.

i just shook my head as i continued to write shit down in my notebook.

she sighed. "are you okay though? cause i know after watching that yesterday, you wanted to check on her."

so yesterday was the nationals competition for saylor and clearly i didn't go. but i did watch it live on tv. so yeah, i saw the fall and everything.

i was absolutely devastated for her, i can't lie. not only did i want her to succeed but i also know how humiliated she must feel.

and seeing her laying on the rink hurt with everyone surrounding her, and watching her get carried away by the paramedics, i wanted to be there with her, holding her hand through all of it.

but i couldn't. because as much as i miss her, i can't see past what she did the other day.

cause if i didn't move my head when i did, that glass would've hit me and it would've been really bad. and i didnt deserve that at all, no matter what she was dealing with.

"well how are you holding up?" zoe asked me. "are you like traumatized or scarred?"

"i mean i think my feelings are more hurt than anything," i shrugged. "like at the fact that she'd actually do that to me. like actually try to physically hurt me like that."

"ughhh and i liked her too," zoe shook her head.

i sighed. "i don't think she's a bad person zoey. i honestly think she's just so used to having to defend and protect herself in a physical way, that her mind just did what it was used to."

"but that's still no excuse," zoe said. "that could've ended really badly b."

"i know i know," i looked down.

"so what about quinn?" she looked at me.

i rolled my eyes. "what about her?"

"did you ever like confront her for posting shit like that without your permission?"

"well i texted her and said 'you are one of the messiest clout chasing hoes i've ever met. don't mention or post anything about me. ever'.. and then i blocked her," i nodded.

"good for youuuu," zoe laughed as she high fived me.

- saylor's pov -

here i am, sitting on the couch, binging yet another show while eating yet another pint of ice cream. having a broken ankle has really limited my mobility and it's so inconvenient.

at one point, i stared at my phone for the longest, trying to decide if i wanted to insta cart another pint of vegan chocolate fudge brownie häagen-dazs from the store.

no saylor. you haven't had an actual meal all day. at least order actual food.

but honestly, it's hard to think about food when the entire internet is talking about my fall at the competition the other day. some people are sending me their best wishes, while others are lowkey making fun of it.

and billie's fans are wondering what's going on between us because she wasn't seen at the competition, nor has she said anything on social media about my accident.

not that she has to, but her fans would expect it i guess since im her significant other.

and now that i say that, i dont even know the status of our relationship. we haven't talked since our fight. i've been blowing her up but im convinced she just muted my contact.

sigh, i guess it's better than being blocked.

ngl though, the fact that she hasn't tried checking on me since the incident does hurt my feelings. like i know she had to see it. it's all over the internet, unfortunately.

anyway..

i decided to get my ass off the couch and walk over to the fridge, using my crutches. i looked in tatum's refrigerator to only see water bottles, celsius, a carton of eggs, and blackberry jam.

if you can't tell, tatum isn't much of a cook.

i sighed as i closed it and stood there looking dumb. i crutched back over to my phone and placed my doordash order for a chipotle bowl.

time passed and all i did was scroll through means comments about me on social media while i waited for my food.

soon, i saw the doordash notification on my phone, saying my food was here and then i saw headlights of a car shine through the window. i got up to retrieve my food as the doorbell rung.

when i opened the door, the face didn't match the dasher name on my app...

i couldn't say anything. all i could do was blink.

"n- no," i tried to shut the door.

"moony don't," paige said as she stopped the door from closing and walked inside.

"stop," i slightly panicked as i tried to get away as quickly as possible, while on the crutches.

"hey hey be careful," she told me with genuine concern.

"no get away from me!" i exclaimed before throwing a crutch at her, leaving myself to have to hop away on one leg.

"ow!" she said as the crutch hit her leg. the same leg that i had actually broke 6 months ago during our fight.

after trying to hop away, i dropped my other crutch and tripped over it, falling to the floor.

"moony!" paige came and hovered over me. "calm down, im not here to hurt you."

i just breathed heavily as i stared at her in shock.

"cmon," she held her hands out.

"no," i said. "i can get up on my own," i said as i got on my knees and tried to lift myself up.

but it didn't work.

"ow! ow! ow!" i said as i accidentally put pressure on my ankle, collapsing to the floor again and giving up.

"okay yeah," paige said. she then picked me up and carried me to the couch where she laid me down. "just breathe please, i just wanna talk."

but the look on my face was clear, she saw how anxious i was.

"okay," she nodded in understanding? "okay," she said again as she backed up with her hands up in innocence. "i'll stay back here. is that okay?"

"what do you want?" i asked. "there's nothing i have right now that you could possibly desire."

"um," she started, looking down. "where's billie?"

"not here," i said with an attitude.

"tatum?"

"somewhere out of town i don't fucking know," i shrugged.

"so you're staying here?" she furrowed her eyebrows.

"paige!" i exclaimed. "what are you doing here?"

"i just wanna apologize," she started.

i rolled my eyes. "oh spare me."

"cmon saylor, im serious."

"why now?" i shook my head.

"the past 6 months, i've had nothing but time to do some actual self reflection," she started. "i actually went to support groups in the jail. and i actually became sober."

i just looked at her.

"i just want you to know how deeply sorry i am," she said with sad eyes. "the things i did to you while we dated were so inhumane and you didn't deserve that. any of it."

"thanks," i said lowly, still on edge though.

"saylor for real please forgive me-"

"okay paige i think you should go-"

"please just hear me out," she exclaimed in sadness. "i've been missing you! i've been feeling so much regret while away. you weren't the only one affected, i've been hurting too saylor-"

"don't you ever compare yourself to me," i said sternly. "you will never know how i feel."

she just breathed heavily, she knew i was right.

"until you have to fear the state of mind that your partner will be in everyday then you won't understand how i felt at all," i continued.

"all i could do was think about how much i hurt you," paige began to tear up. "i didn't mean any of it moony!" her tone got louder.

"you abused me!" i began to raise my voice. "you made me feel like shit every fucking day!"

"i know i know," her tears began to fall. "you deserved better!"

"then why couldn't you give it to me?!" i yelled, tears now filling my eyes.

paige began crying. "i was so fucked up," she shook her head. "you gotta know."

i, i just can't.

"paige," i sighed. "what do you want? why are you here? and why did you have my food?"

she wiped her tears. "your dasher got here at the same time as me so i grabbed the food from him, but i just wanted to apologize to you."

"well," i looked down. "you've said your peace, you should go."

paige sighed. "saylor."

i squinted.

"i have no where to go," she told me.

"what- what do you mean?" i asked, genuinely confused.

"after getting arrested, my job fired me," she started. "i had to break my lease because i couldn't pay on my apartment for 6 months without working. all i have is my car and my phone," she continued.

"what about your friends?" i tilted my head.

"they have partners and kids," she shook her head. "they don't want a felon crashing on their couch."

"your family back in palm springs?" i rose my eyebrows.

"they're not even talking to me since they found out how i treated you," she explained.

"you don't have enough for a hotel?"

"saylor please," she begged. "i'll sleep on the couch. i'll do whatever."

"how did you even know i was here?" i asked her.

"well i went by your apartment just to find out that someone else lives there now," paige started.

"thanks to you," i mumbled.

"so i honestly assumed you were living with billie now that you guys date so i lost hope but then thought to come by here to ask tatum for advice," she explained. "but i saw your car here."

i sighed and rolled my eyes.

"i just need to crash here moon," she pleaded. "you can trust me. i- i wont hurt you or anything if that's what you think-"

"well after spending 6 months in jail i'd fucking hope not," i tilted my head.

she just nodded, taking all of my anger.

honestly the fact that she's not arguing back says a lot. but i don't know..

"paige you've really put me through a lot," i shook my head. "you don't deserve any favors from me."

"i know i know but i'll be out as soon as i can," she claimed. "i just don't know what else to do like-"

"i didn't know what to do either," i said lowly as i started to get up from the couch.

her face was filled with sadness.

"you'll sleep right here," i said sternly as i pointed to the couch. "and you will leave me the fuck alone," i demanded.

"okay," she nodded quickly.

"you honestly don't even have to talk to me either," i said.

"oh here," paige handed me my other crutch that i had threw at her.

"thanks," i said lowly, avoiding eye contact.

i walked into my room (the guest room) and began to shut the door.

"wait here," paige brought me my chipotle bowl that i had completely forgot about.

i just looked at it as she held it out for me to grab.

"are you hungry?" i rose my eyebrows to her.

"um," she shrugged. "yeah i could eat. why?"

"good," i nodded. "eat that."

"b- but it's yours," she furrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

"i lost my appetite," i sighed before closing the door in her face.

-

i woke up the next morning to the smell of food. considering i skipped dinner last night, im starving. i yawned and rose up in the bed before reaching over and grabbing my phone.

i had a text from paige that said. 'open your door when you get up.'

i furrowed my eyebrows and hopped over to the door to open it. i looked down to see a plate of breakfast on the floor.

i picked it up and brought it back in the room with me. as hungry as i was, i immediately devoured that shit.

since there wasn't much i could do with this injury, i just laid in bed all day watching tv. but i'd hear paige walking around in the kitchen and living room at some points.

as time went by, i decided that i needed some fresh air so i opened the bedroom door, peeking out to see if paige was in the living room.

she wasn't, im guessing she left.

so i crutched my way to the back door and walked out onto the patio before sitting down. i sat there and took the time to respond to more people who had been checking on me.

-

"moony," i heard as i was woken up by a gentle shake.

i looked up to see paige looking at me with concern. "you good? you fell asleep out here?"

i looked around and the sun was setting, i had fallen asleep on the patio but it was honestly a very peaceful nap.

"i was about to cook some dinner," she started. "let me help you inside."

"o- okay," i said as i was still trying to fully wake up.

paige helped me up and i walked inside.

"i was gonna make that vegan pasta you like," she started. "just as a thank you for letting me stay here."

i just grinned, knowing tatum would kill me if she found out i allowed all of this.

after awhile, paige had finished cooking and she brought me a plate to the couch. i thanked her and she just smiled.

"oh my god are you rewatching euphoria?" she chuckled as she looked at the tv.

"yeah," i laughed. "i can't resist."

"damn i miss that show," she said as she walked back in the kitchen.

she then fixed her own plate and started eating it at the kitchen island.

"um," i looked at her, kind of feeling bad. "you can come in here and eat."

"r- really?" she rose her eyebrows. "i don't wanna make you uncomfortable."

"i know you wanna watch the show too," i shrugged. "it's okay, cmon."

she cracked a smile and came and sat on the couch with her food. she left a good amount of space between us on the couch too.

i smiled at her before looking back at the tv and continuing to eat.