11 | your abuser

i woke up in saylor's arms, both us naked.

fuck.

we were going damn near all night.

i tried to slide from under her as smoothly as i could without waking her and i was actually successful.

babygirl was knocked out.

i checked my phone and it was endless messages from my boyfriend.

"fuck," i mumbled to myself.

i got out of the bed and put my clothes on. i looked at saylor once more, grinning at her natural beauty.

as much as i don't want her to wake up alone, i also just don't want to wake her right now because im not in the best headspace.

i decided to just leave the house. and as i walked outside, i saw tatum's car in the driveway so she knows saylor and i both stayed here for sure.

on the way back home, my mind was racing, replaying everything from last night. the blood, the fight, the hospital, the tears, the sex.

it's just so much.

i pulled into my house and sighed as i parked the car. when i walked in, josh was sitting on the couch waiting for me.

he saw me and immediately stood up. "oh my god babe," he said as he rushed to me, hugging me. "what the hell? you just dropped off the face of the earth last night."

"i know," i nodded in sadness. "im sorry."

"i- i was worried sick," he went on in a rant. "i finally texted tatum and she told me that you were at her house when she left for work and was probably staying the night there."

"im sorry i just wasn't on my phone at all," i shook my head, understanding his frustration.

he sighed. "it's cool, im just glad you're good," he grinned as he turned around to go sit back on the couch.

"josh," i said in a very sad tone, making him turn around with worry in his face.

i paused as i stood there, looking him in the eyes. and i swear he read me. "you wanna break up, don't you?" he asked me.

my eyes started tearing up. "you are one of the most caring and purest souls i've ever gotten to experience in my life and i think you deserve better than me."

he sighed. "billie-"

"i've been lying to you. i've been unfaithful to you," i expressed. "and you don't deserve that. and i don't deserve you."

he nodded and walked up to me, hugging me tightly. my tears dropped as i buried my head in his shoulder.

he rubbed my back. "it's okay, it's okay."

"no it's not," i said to him.

"billie, im proud of you."

caught off guard, i furrowed my eyebrows and broke the hug. "wha- huh?" i wiped my tears.

"this is about saylor, right?" he rose his eyebrows.

my eyes slightly got wide.

"billie it doesn't take an expert to see how much you're into that girl," he chuckled.

i just blinked, still not knowing what to say.

"you have feelings for her?"

"uh no," i shook my head.

josh tilted his head, knowing im bullshitting.

"i- i don't know," i told him.

"i think you do," he grabbed my hands. "and you know ive always believed that you should go after what you want."

wanting to cry again, my face frowned up. "im so sorry."

"hey no," he shook his head with a grin. "you were honest with me. that shows you're respect for me and also how deserving you are of all good things."

i just nodded.

"now im not saying i wont miss you," he started. "but i saw it coming, and i've accepted it because only want you to be true to yourself."

i nodded again, cracking a grin.

josh gave me the biggest hug and kissed my forehead before walking towards my front door.

"i love you billie, everything'll be okay."

and like that, he left.

and there i was, standing alone.

i went and freshened up, hoping to get back in bed and rot away for the remainder of the day. but as i was laying down, i got a text from tatum.

since saylor wasn't there, i decided to get up and go back to tatum's. i don't want saylor knowing that i just broke up with josh and how upset i am or anything.

once i made it to tate's i got out the car and knocked on the door. and soon as the door opened and i saw my best friend, i just broke down.

tatum immediately pulled me into the house and shut the door before giving me the biggest hug ever. "b, what's wrong"

"josh and i just broke up," i told her.

she broke the hug, her eyes wide in shock. "what? why?"

i sighed. "tate i've been keeping shit from you."

she looked at me with confusion.

"i have feelings for saylor."

she rose her eyebrows. "yeah, i know."

i furrowed my eyebrows. "the fuck you mean?"

"billie," she started. "anyone with eyes can see that you like that girl."

"i mean more than like," i said.

"oh," she paused. "like-"

"don't say it," i shook my head.

"billie, do you love saylor? as more than a friend?" tate furrowed her eyebrows.

and suddenly, i started to cry again.

"oh my god," tatum hugged me again. "billie what- what did i miss?" she asked as we sat down at the kitchen island.

i sighed. "we had sex."

her eyes got wide. "im sorry what?"

"more than once," i continued.

"wha- what?"

"we fucked," i nodded. "the same night she got proposed to."

"WHAT?" she exclaimed.

"that night, when she walked into her apartment, she had just come from my house," i shook my head.

"i- i- this is fucking wild," tate rubbed her forehead.

"and last night," i sighed. "we fucked last night."

tatum was silenced. just frozen in shock.

"oh. my. god."

"yup," i nodded.

"so," she started, not even knowing what to say. "so- are you guys like talking on the low?"

"i fucking wish," i said lowly.

"well do you think she has feelings for you?"

"i did," i said as i ran my hand through my hair. "but then she got engaged and i didn't know anymore."

"oh my god," tate started. "so when you came over here and found out she was engaged-"

"i was heartbroken," i cut her off.

"oh my god b im so sorry," tate said to me. "and i was just celebrating it. i can't imagine how that must've felt."

"you didn't know," i shook my head. "it's whatever."

"so after that, you don't know how she feels?" tatum asked.

"well after last night," i started. "i kinda think she does because she literally came crying to me when it happened."

"oh the ice skating accident?" tate asked.

"oh," i paused. "um yeah."

she nodded again.

"and then we had sex again so," i shrugged. "part of me thinks she does still.. i don't know. she didn't say anything about me when she left your place this morning?"

"no she just um went back to her apartment," tatum looked down.

i squinted. "what's wrong?"

"i don't know billie, maybe you should just let her go," tate started. "at least the feelings, i just can't see her leaving paige."

"well i would think after last night, she'd leave her alone," i said.

"what do you mean?" she furrowed her eyebrows.

"oh um," i started. "well she came to me in a crisis. me of all people."

"yeah but," tate started. "she went to paige this morning."

"what?" i exclaimed. "she's with paige right now?"

"uh yeah," tate looked down. "when she left my place, she said paige was calling her and that she was gonna head home so they could talk. she said they had got into it last night and paige wanted to apologize."

"are you fucking kidd-" then i stopped.

i just had to take a breath, or i was going to lose it.

and i can't rant to tatum like i want cause im still gonna keep my word with saylor and not tell her about the abuse.

but oh my fucking god.

"you know what," i scoffed. "i- i can't do this shit. i need to distance myself from her for real."

tatum just poked out her lip.

"i can't sit here and be heartbroken over two people," i started. "if im gonna be sad, i rather it only be about my now ex boyfriend who actually treated me right."

"im sorry," tatum rubbed my shoulder with a sad face.

i just shrugged. "it's whatever. i- i just can't involve myself with someone like that. it won't do anything but confuse and hurt me."

"i get it," she nodded.

and i just sat there.

"here," tatum said. "go sit on the couch and put something on the tv. i'll order some food for us, k?"

"k," i cracked a grin. "and tate? please don't tell saylor that i broke up with josh. i don't want her to know."

she just nodded.

-

it's some days later and i've just been rotting in bed. the breakup with josh has gotten to me. yes, i fell for saylor but i still had a great boyfriend, already.

and i fucked it up.

and i feel like shit.

him being so mature and nice about it helped i guess but i don't know. i kinda miss him. at least he gave me consistency.

saylor has been texting me for days and i just can't bring myself to respond. i miss her like crazy but i can't keep being around her, knowing how i feel and not knowing how she truly feels.

and it really sucks because she brings me so much happiness when we hang out, but idk.

sigh, i just don't know.

finally, i got the urge to write some things down in my journal. i did that for awhile and it honestly helped some. maybe i'll get a song out of this one day.

but i continued to write until my phone pinged and i read a text from tatum. she was just checking on me.

i smiled and got up out of bed and walked to my bathroom to shower and put some clothes on.

i made it to tatum's and we hugged once i went inside.

"so you doing any better?" she looked back at me as she got the ingredients out of her cabinets.

"well i showered today," i grinned. "so there's progress."

"yes it is," she smiled. "im proud of you."

i smiled. "thanks. now cmon im craving this shit so bad."

we did all the prepping for the pie and finally put it in the oven while having our usual deep conversations about life.

then tatum's alarm went off on her phone. "fuck, i have to go," she said as she went to her room and grabbed her tote bag with her scrubs and things in there.

she had a bag packed for work so she can change there. that way she could spend more time with me instead of having to stop and get ready.

she's such a good friend.

"feel free to stay," she started as she kissed the top of my head. "and if you order food, order some for me too so i can eat it when i get off."

"yes ma'am," i chuckled.

and just like that, she was out the door, and i was alone.

again.

time passed and the timer on her oven started dinging, prompting me to take the pie out.

i let it cool and immediately started digging in.

it was so good.

after cutting myself an unnecessarily huge slice of pie, i sat on the couch and turned on the tv.

- saylor's pov -

"whatcha doin?" paige asked me as i was getting ready to leave my apartment.

"the fucking washer is messing up again so im gonna go do laundry at tatum's," i told her.

"she there?"

"no i checked her location," i started. "she's at work."

paige just nodded.

"k," i said, opening the door.

"when you get back, we'll discuss some finalizations on the wedding."

"yippieeeee," i said in a nonchalant tone as i walked out the door and shut it.

i drove to tatum's house and pulled into the driveway. i got my bag full of clothes out and drug it up to the door before typing in the code to her house.

the door opened and i struggled, pulling the heavy ass bag into her house. "ughhhh, fuck."

"need a hand?" i heard a voice say.

i slightly gasped as i looked up in fright.

billie was right there sitting on the couch.

of course i didn't notice her here, she always parks her car in tatum's garage so that no one will know.

i sighed. "oh, hi."

"hi," she breathed. "what are you doing here?"

"laundry," i pointed to the bag. "something is wrong with my washing machine."

"oh," she said. "well do you need some help?"

what i need, is for you to answer my calls.

"um nope i got it," i lied as i shut the door and lugged the bag to tate's laundry room.

billie rolled her eyes and got up from the couch to start following me. she came in the room and began helping me put my clothes into the washing machine.

"thanks," i said with an awkward grin.

she did the same grin. "yeah," she said before turning and walking out of the room.

"am i missing something?" i followed her out. "what did i do?"

she turned around, kinda looking like she was already exhausted from the conversation before it started.

i squinted. "like im just confused. you haven't been texting me or answering my calls. and whenever i asked tatum what's wrong with you, she just kept telling me to let you be, like what?"

"i've just been trying to keep my sanity saylor," billie shrugged.

"your sanity?" i rose my eyebrows.

"yes my sanity," she said to me as if she was offended.

"this is about paige?"

wtf, tatum must've told her...

"are we just gonna gloss over the fact that she's the reason you have stitches right now?" she looked at me like i was crazy.

"billie i asked you to trust me-"

"that trust went out the door when she damn near sliced your face open!" she raised her voice. "like how-" then she paused and took a breath as she leaned over on the island.

i just folded my lips in, annoyed.

then she started talking kinda slowly. "how could you possibly stay with someone who didn't even care that they almost killed you."

"she was drunk and high, and she told me she regrets it," i said.

"saylor!" billie shouted as she slammed her hand on the island. "she doesn't give a fuck about you!"

then i got really upset and my face showed it. i just nodded. "okay," i said. "okay, you got that. whatever."

"just tell me why," she shook her head. "like why do you always go back the second she calls?"

"sometimes it's easier to just go back to what you know," i shrugged.

billie sighed. "okay," she nodded. "well if you're gonna keep running back to her then why have sex with me? like what's the point?"

"that's the real reason you're upset huh?" i asked.

"duh saylor!" she exclaimed. "you'd sit here and rub on me, kiss on me, and fuck on me all night!"

i just looked at her while she went on.

"but it doesn't matter," she chuckled from irritation. "cause at the end of the day, you'll always run back to your abuser."

my eyes slightly got wide. "fuck you!" i spat.

"i can't keep trying to save you!" billie continued.

"then don't!" i yelled back. "i'll let her fucking kill me."

billie then paused. "that's not fucking funny."

"am i laughing?" i tilted my head.

she groaned. "why do you have to be like that?"

"it's just upsetting," i breathed, trying not to cry.

billie walked up to me and we just looked at each other.

then i could tell she started holding back tears. "saylor i care about you too much to keep letting this happen."

i just sighed. i went up to her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, and she slid hers around my waist.

we hugged. "im sorry," i told her.

and then just like that, we leaned in and kissed.

and kissed.

and kissed.

then billie pulled away. "see like that!" she exclaimed. "i can't keep doing that!"

"what?!"

"you know what the fuck you're doing!" she shouted before starting to walk away.

"why do you keep walking away from me?" i yelled.

she turned around, tears and anger in her eyes. "because im tired of you fucking me then leaving!" she shouted.

i stayed silent, feeling bad.

then she sniffed. "you don't fucking know what you want saylor," she shook her head. "and i need you to figure it out."

"i do know what i want," i said, tears now streaming down my face.

"no you don't," billie shook her head. "you do all these things cause you wanna keep me as your little safe space to run to whenever your bitch hurts you. and- and im not doing it anymore."

then she grabbed her keys, walked out the door, and left.